Longing for a baby in 40’s, after a divorce

[Ansey]

I really struggled to find a topic to put this in.
For a long time I followed the divorce topic. But after 3 years of divorce proceedings and a child arrangements court case, I am finally divorced. And it’s over. For good. Which is a good thing.

Years back I also followed the Infertility topic because I had 4 early miscarriages and 4 IVF’s. But my ramblings don’t belong there either now, because I’m not trying for a baby.

And my ramblings also don’t belong in Relationships because I’m on my own, and frankly, I don’t think I want another man in my life, at least not right now.

The divorce was traumatic. And yes, I am receiving weekly counselling. More than anything, fighting a man who earns more than 5 times what I do, along with his barrister and solicitor in family court, was challenging. And the legal system is broken for sure. Don’t want to go into a long story, but after 12 years of me caring for the children almost entirely on my own whilst he climbed the career ladder, and Cafcass and the court pretty much ignoring police reports and social worker reports, and his barrister EDITING my position statement, and sealing a court order without sending me a draft first to check accuracy, child arrangements was decided in court to by 50/50.
I struggle to come to terms with it. Now that the children (8 and 13) are older and essentially most of the hands-on high maintenance is over, he now wants to have them.

I found it extremely traumatising. To me, it felt like my children were taken away from me entirely.

It also was hard to deal with because anyone who’ve gone through multiple miscarriages AND multiple IVF’s will be able to write a book and will probably never be the same.
When that second child finally came along, it was incredible. I was so so happy.

And before you think that my title doesn’t make sense- wanting to have a baby after I had multiple miscarriages and IVF’s over 8 years ago.
It’s not that simple.
The infertility was caused by male factors. Like, on egg collection days the embryologist came to us and talked about the sperm sample and then just sitting there, not moving much.
And my AMH was very high, so with every IVF I basically over-stimulated (or almost) and the consultant found it hard to get the dosage right of the injections, prior to egg collection. (I forgot all the right terminology). And that resulted in lots of embryos with poor quality. Lots of them but very few still alive at blastocyst stage.
So, the bottom line is that I think that even at 43 and with those IVF’s and miscarriages (I mean even in the laboratory, you could see the embryos were not going to last long, whether in the Petri dish or in the womb),
I think I would still be able and get pregnant. If male factor wasn’t an issue.
Obviously at 43, anyone, even with very high AMH, will still take a lot longer to fall pregnant and the risk of miscarriage would be higher.

The thing is, I am so traumatised after the child arrangements order and the court case. And I long so much for my girls. I find it hard to ‘mother’ only every alternative week.

How do I put this. If I ever won the lottery or something. And it would have to be sooner rather than later due to my age, I would put as a first priority to buy enough sperm from a sperm bank in Europe and buy 3 IVF cycles. And put enough money aside to raise the child/nursery/school costs.

How do I shift this feeling?
Because I am single and in no position to fall pregnant. And in no position fall pregnant through a sperm bank/fertility treatment due to finances.
I long so much to mother. I long so much for a baby and a child who is just mine and cannot be taken away from me from a man (Insert wealthy man who thinks he can achieve whatever he wants with his barrister etc).

I think that is the key issue.
I love little children. I am a Reception teacher. I love my job. I loved raising my girls and spending so much of my time with them when they were little.
I absolutely long for that. I long for a baby/child who is just mine and who cannot be taken away from me.
I don’t want to me a mother every alternative week. I am not wired like that.

How do I cope with that longing for a baby, given that is not going to be a reality and almost impossible?

I think that it will take some time, but the job of the therapy is to help you to turn to the next chapter in your life.

It’s not easy but it will come with time and effort. It’s quite usual to get a longing for a baby at the end of your fertile life - but it’s your hormones talking and they aren’t great decision makers. Apart from anything else it’s very unlikely to be in you mr children’s interests

I didn't want to read and run and my heart breaks for you. There is nothing on this earth like the pain of feeling like you need to care for a child when you can't just have one. I know what you mean about not being sure where to post. It took us so many years to get DC1 but pregnancy and postpartum really disagrees with me (HG and postpartum psychosis) so I almost certainly can't have another child but I would feel bad talking about it with anyone IRL.

I'm sorry that you are away from your children 50% of the time, that's really awful. I don't know if you're looking for support or suggestions, but if you're fairly sure your own fertility is decent, and you could buy sperm from somewhere, could you do the turkey baster method to avoid having to pay for IVF? We had success with that with DC1 in the end.

I feel similarly about having another baby in my 40’s. But hubby not interested, and realistically I know starting over would exhaust me. I struggled with my pregnancies and our kids are now 5, 11&13 so things getting easier. I think the duchess is right, it’s hormonal and related to end of fertile period of life. I’m trying to embrace this next phase of my life, but I’m not sure yet what this will involve. I plan to read more, see my fiends more frequently, go to theatre with my mum, study further and spend more time on me ( maybe yoga) who knows!🤷‍♀️I’m also a teacher, perhaps that’s something to do with it. 🤷‍♀️Hope you find peace with this!🍀

When the final hearing concluded for the child arrangements order, I went into a state of psychological shock. My closest friend called an ambulance.
It was really bad. The impact was horrendous.

I don’t think my longing for a baby is hormonal at all or that I’m near menopause. I have no symptoms at all for menopause. And my mum also didn’t start menopause until very late, she had regular periods until her mid-fifties. I didn’t start my periods until I was nearly 16.

I can’t cope with them being away for so much. I find a lot of things about the court process highly triggering.

I don’t ever want a bully of a man to take a child away from me.

@pinguins Thank you for your reply. I appreciate it and I’m so sorry that you are not able to have another child. It’s something that’s extremely difficult to come to terms with.
I had to google the turkey baster method. Unfortunately that isn’t an option. In the US you can buy sperm and self-inseminate. But in the UK you have to receive the sperm at a fertility clinic.

@Ansey I know how you feel. 50/50 since my boys 3 and 6 and more recently, just EOW. After the Final Hearing I wrote goodbye letters to my sons and attempted to take my own life. Fortunately (or perhaps unfortunately) my fiancé caught me and stopped me from doing so.
All thanks to an entirely flawed and highly misogynistic family court system favouring the very wealthy. It really is shocking.
I still have incredibly dark days.
.

@LorlieS Why only EOW at you? How is that possible?

I’m sorry that you were in such a dark place (and still). I too made plans and phoned the Samaritans etc.
To be honest, I’m not very far off from letting him know he can have them 100% because his continuous bullying is making me so, so ill. Like, he’s just sent me a proposed calendar for 2024, for which he blocked out periods of time for himself- and allocated just 12 days in the middle of the six weeks August holidays for me, and allocated the entire Xmas holidays next December. Totally ludicrous. The past two years the Christmas holidays were split in half, exactly.
I’m not even sure he wants them this much. Just whatever he can do to continue abuse towards me and upset me as much as possible.

@Ansey After brainwashing the boys and (please excuse the horrific language) telling them their half-sister was "going to be born a retard" and that I would no longer love them when she was born, they told a Cafcass Officer they wanted to be with him more. He also told my eldest son that if he saw me during Covid when I was pregnant he "might infect me and then the baby would die and I would never forgive him."
This is the man that described himself to the same Cafcass Officer - and I quote - as "Dad of The Year." She believed him.
The most heartbreaking thing in all of this? I asked my middle son the other day why he'd chosen to be with his dad more. Not in a judgey way, but at 13 he knows I find it hard.
His answer?
"Because I knew you would always love us."

You don’t have to go to a clinic for insemination. I know plenty of lesbian couples who have (legally and successfully) done it at home. Check out this website, might be helpful https://www.prideangel.com/ if a baby is really what you want then go for it!

@purpledaze24 thank you. I will look into it. I was under the impression that you can’t buy sperm in the UK and inseminate yourself. Other than few dodgy donar websites/facebook groups, where men voluntarily give and deliver sperm, most of want to ‘naturally’ inseminate.
The problem with that is, although very generous of them, they have hundreds of unknown children. Whereas, sperm from a sperm bank is limited to live births, so that your child won't have hundreds of half-siblings.

I just cannot shift the feeling.

Yeah I think that (cringely named!) pride angel website is quite well regulated re signing legal paperwork and restricting the amount of times a man can donate. Friends that I know used it paid something like £600 but the guy had to come to their house to “give the sample” so I don’t know if they do freezing and postage etc but they got pregnant

I just want to let you know feel your pain because I’ve gone similar traumatic experience.

I had this similar thought and finally pregnant in my very late 40s after nearly a decade.

I suggest you consider clinics to avoid any legal disputes in the future. But the journey can be costly (to me) and frustrating. Try to do some savings to avoid financial stress ahead, and go for the life you would like to plan for yourself. Good luck and god bless you.

Firstly, I really feel for you and your situation.

I think your desire for another child comes from trauma - which is not a healthy reason to have another child.

Also, children grow up. So at some point, you always have to stop parenting. Your girls are still young now but one day they might not even live in the same country as you - they will have their own lives.

I think you would really benefit from talking all of this through with a counsellor to come to terms with it.

I would recommend counselling or CBT which really helped me. I am also 43, divorced and now remarried with older children. I desperately wanted another baby and wanted to feel that I’d got things right this time. I also have very high AMH for my age.

I had a miscarriage and then a positive NIPT for Down’s syndrome. I chose not to go ahead and after months of counselling I have come to the understanding that it’s not the right thing - it’s me trying to heal past trauma and wanting a second chance. But that’s not a healthy reason to have a child and it’s worth working through your feelings first.

Would you ever consider fostering/adoption? It is something I absolutely would have done if I was able (no spare room).
A friend of mine was unable to have children of her own and adopted 13 month-old twins. The family is thriving and they are very happy ❤️