As a divorced mum, how often are your kids with you?

[LorlieS]

My husband says it's "common" these days but I feel like one of the very unlucky ones.
Court ordered 50/50 since sons were 3 and 6 and then when they were 12 and 15, 12 yo went every Weds pm - Mon am with me and 15 yo just EOW. Abusive ex-husband. Horrifically controlling. He told me that I'd I ever dared to leave him this would be the consequence.
I'm now very happily remarried to a great (and very understanding) man and we have a beautiful 3 yo daughter together.
Of course it still doesn't stop me missing my boys though.
It often feels like such a lonely place.
Anybody else in a similar situation?

@Ansey I feel exactly the same. I'm getting very close to going no contact with my 16 yo as EOW is pretty pointless and his little sister could then have her own bedroom rather than sharing with hubby and I. He only came here at Christmas to get his presents then off he went back to his dad's.

@LorlieS @Ansey @Shiningout I hear you.

Court ordered 50/50 here as well. Both my children and I are traumatised by the experience. Eldest has started self harming and not going to school as she hates going to his house so much. Courts don't seem to realise that they play in to the hands of abusive men.

My time with my children is spent basically comforting them as they cry about having to go back and dealing with the naughtiness and acting up. I literally have no pleasure in parenting at the moment. In top of that I can't move away anywhere cheaper or anything because of the court order.

I would be happy to start a new thread to discuss.

Whilst those who don't have help from their ex might struggle, I would absolutely give my right arm for that arrangement over what I have now. People don't understand unless they have had their children ripped away from them and no control over their lives.

Same 2 weeknights and 1 in 4 to 6 weekends. Happy he doesn't want more.

Same here. My ex doesn't see our kids at all these days. I asked for 50/50 but he only wanted to do EOW when they were small. Now he doesn't bother with them at all now they're teenagers with opinions of their own that he can't control.

My DH has 50:50 with his kids. His ex was abusive and a shit parent. Always puts herself before the kids. She's had DSD5 2 nights of the school Xmas holidays and one of those nights she had her babysat overnight at her dad's. DSS16 now lives with us full time and rarely sees his mum.

We'd love to have DSD more and if she was honest with herself the ex would prefer to have her less but that would look bad on social media etc. She also wouldn't agree to it as she knows it's what DH wants. She'd also worry about DH wanting maintenance which he wouldn't actually bother about. Instead the agreement remains 50:50 and she just drops days and uses babysitters so she can continue pretending she's a good mum.

As much as people like to think that things have moved on, it still seems to be the case that the court favours the mother and the ex is a great actress and can turn on the water works at the click of the fingers. We're reluctant to go to court as it could just cause more drama.

@Illpickthatup It was the complete opposite for me with the Family Courts. Wealthy ex = patriarchy wins over everything. Being totally honest, should have just gritted my teeth and suffered with the abuse. It's not as if he ever hit me. Probably wasn't worth losing my sons the majority.

Absolutely not. Then your sons grow up thinking it's ok to be treated like that. You absolutely did the right thing by leaving him.

And you haven't lost your sons. You're just sharing custody with their other parent.

You have 2 choices. Either you continue to feel sorry for yourself or you make the most of your situation. Either way, it's not going to affect the time you have with your son's but you can at least feel better about it. Get a hobby, go out with friends, make the most of your kid free time rather than just moping about missing them.

My ex has never had them for even one night since we split. If he couldn’t stay here then he didn’t want to see them. He would see them at my house only most he has done in 7 years is take them to the park at the corner of my house (and that was with a lot of begging) for 45 minutes claiming they wanted to come home (I asked the kids and they said they didn’t) heaven forbid I have any time to myself.

I've been divorced 5 years and I only see my two alternate weekends too. They decided during Covid period that they'd rather spend most of their time at Dads. (they were 16/14 at the time) Previously we'd done 50/50. Also had an uncooperative ExH to deal with. He's very emotionally manipulative.
If i'd known what would happen I never would of agreed to 50/50 in the first place.
Now the kids a little older 18/16 they talk to me more about things and i know - although they spend less time here - they have a better relationship with me than with their dad. In-fact now they spend most of their weekends socialising with friends so they are not with either parent weekends a lot of the time.
I'm still adjusting to the fact they are not with me much. I've had lots of counselling to adjust my expectations and also manage trauma response that was the result of difficult divorce then later when they abruptly decided to live with their Dad most.

It really hurts still but i am learning to live with it it does make you treasure the time you do spend with them.

Just give your daughter your son's room.

You don't see him anyway and you have a new family now.

@blackfluffycat And where does he sleep when he comes home? He's just as much as my son as my daughter is my daughter. It's just incredibly painful seeing him so infrequently.

@Illpickthatup My toddler keeps me busy when I'm not at work but ultimately I feel like a dreadful mum.

The first sign of not being a terrible mum is worrying that you're a terrible mum. Actual terrible parents rarely think or worry that they are terrible parents.

Plenty of kids have separated parents, loads of mums have 50/50 custody or less. Leaving an abusive relationship was absolutely the best thing you could do for your kids. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

Those that ended up being forced into 50/50, how did that compare with what you went into a FH with? For various reasons we’re at roughly 25/75 right now, and I’m wondering whether they might still force us to 50/50 or whether it helps pave the way for 60/40 as a final outcome? (There are MANY reasons I believe this would be better for DC).

Courts went 50/50 when boys were 3 and 6. Ex wanted full custody (he told me it would be punishment for me leaving him). He scared them to pieces during lockdown when I was pregnant with their half sister. Final Hearing when she was 5 days old. I got every other Weds - Mon with 12 yo and EOW with 15 yo. Hardly know them know, especially the eldest.

I think it's quite common to feel like you hardly know your teenager. My 16yo DSS lives with us full time but spends most of his time in his room, sleeping or out with friends. 15yo don't tend to want to spend a lot of time with their parents.

And I don't know how you don't know your 12yo when you basically have them 50% of the time.

About 95% of the time. He has child for a whole 12 hours a week and even then tries to get out of it

@Holly2285 do you mean that was the situation and the court still imposed 50/50?

No. My ex won't put himself out ever to look after his ds. He genuinely thinks children are womens work, although he neglected to mention this to me before we had ds.

I do 353 nights a year. He will only see ds at my house, and does about 6 hours most Sundays. He usually has ds for 5 days in between xmas & new year, and for 7 nights summer holiday.

Apart from that he says he can't becauise 'he works'. I don't know what he thinks I do all day - arrange flowers !

But unlike @AmazingDayz I'd rather have this than lose ds for 50% of the time. But I only have one dc. Maybe I'd feel differently with two or more.

Ds & I are very close. We swim & cycle & cook together. I make all school/health decisions. DS has grown up with books and music, has a good work ethic. He is funny and kind, and is turning into a lovely man. He doesn't see his father drink (much). He doesn't hear his weird views on women etc.

But it has meant very little dating for me for the last 13 years. I'm just starting to rebuild my social life now.

I have mine 50/50, tues-fri one week and wed-sun the other week. We're flexible though, and help each other out. We're unusual in that we're in business together so the end goal is the same, and in another couple of years I anticipate living even closer to xh (only 7 miles now) so it can be even more flexible

DS hasn't seen his dad since August. He e-mailed in November to ask if DS(9) wanted to see him over Christmas, it pointed out he was busy Christmas Day and Boxing Day. DS said "what's the point then?". DS hates going to his dad, and always has done. He now lives 2.5 hours away and neither can be bothered anymore!

This seems like quite an extreme response to chose to go no contact. I have two teenagers that live with me for the majority of the time but I rarely see them. Between school, clubs, friends and their room they don't spend much time actually with me. It is part and parcel of teenagers.

4 children - split from husband 11 years ago. He has only have had them on a (youngest was 9 months) Saturday day time. (His agreement via mediation) Never over night. Just recently (last 2 years) taken them out for an extra day or two in the summer holidays. It's been hard work but I wouldn't want to be without them for 50% off the time

@JustPloddingOnBy The issue is we have a nearly 4 yo daughter with hubby and I and she has no bedroom of her own. Don't know whether to give her my eldest son's bedroom? However, if he did that he would definitely go to his dad's ft as he has his own wing there.

@Illpickthatup He's 13, almost 14, so likes to be in his room mostly.