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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How do you cope financially

159 replies

Mr77 · 03/10/2023 17:17

I'm not fully through the divorce process and I'm looking at what is going to be a, very bleak future.

It seems like the ex wife will get the house as she works from home three out of five days a week, and we have two children with special needs.

I'm told I'll still be on the mortgage, yet not living there and still liable for it.

I'll be renting somewhere and no doubt paying more than I was for the mortgage.
Also I'll be paying CM.

The thing I find hard to comprehend is that EW will keep the house, continue to receive DLA and CB (total £950pcm) and a chunk of child maintenance from me.

She does earn more than me, but not by a huge margin, but she does have the ability to earn more in her job.

Will the court take into account my earnings, rent and all other associated bills when going over Form E's and look at what is fair?

Is child maintenance means tested, because the rent around here is huge, and I'd need to be in relative close proximity to my children's schools.
It could be that I'm left with absolutely nothing financially once all payments go out.

OP posts:
Mia85 · 03/10/2023 17:19

Have you had any legal advice?

Goodgrief83 · 03/10/2023 17:20

Of course CM is means tested.

You havent don’t much research have you?

Goodgrief83 · 03/10/2023 17:21

The key is

how often will you have the children

AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2023 17:24

What did your solicitor say?

Octavia64 · 03/10/2023 17:24

You need to get legal advice.

In any divorce situation the courts generally put the needs of the children first. If there are two children with special needs then they need to be adequately housed and looked after.

If you have had a "long" marriage (generally more than 10 years) then the starting point for splitting assets is usually 50:50.

The major assets are usually pensions and the family home. So one party might essentially trade pension for a greater share of the house.

prettygreenteacup · 03/10/2023 17:29

Firstly, get a solicitor and proper advice. It sounds like you've just heard this from your ex and taken it as gospel? Not much of what you've said is realistic, for starters if you are not wanting to stay on the mortgage she either has to buy you out of the house or you sell it and split equity. She doesn't just get to demand you stay on it.

My ex husband remained on our mortgage for a time, BUT I paid the whole mortgage amount whilst he rented. We agreed it between us until I was in a position to buy him out. He's now off it and the house is mine. As he agreed to stay stuck on it for a time, I played my part and got him off the mortgage as soon as I could to free him up to buy. In divorce you must swallow your feelings and view it clinically, and both people must come out with a fair outcome.

Seek proper advice.

gotomomo · 03/10/2023 17:31

I think you need to see a solicitor. She doesn't get to automatically keep the house and you pay the mortgage- sometimes this does happen but generally it is just for a short time. More commonly assets are split so one gets the house equity and the other gets savings/pensions etc. the person keeping the house with switch it to their some name and mortgage payments will be theirs.

If you are 50/50 on childcare they no maintenance should be payable and benefits should be split ideally, or amicably allocated. If you aren't 50/50 maintenance is based on number of nights, and based on your income (not hers). I would suggest if at all possible you get some advice on what would be fair then attend a mediation session

Original poster
Mr77 · 03/10/2023 17:33

Octavia64 · 03/10/2023 17:24

You need to get legal advice.

In any divorce situation the courts generally put the needs of the children first. If there are two children with special needs then they need to be adequately housed and looked after.

If you have had a "long" marriage (generally more than 10 years) then the starting point for splitting assets is usually 50:50.

The major assets are usually pensions and the family home. So one party might essentially trade pension for a greater share of the house.

I'm unable to afford legal advice/representation.
I have no savings nor family members able to help.
I never paid into a pension because I just could not afford it.. It's something I regret now, but nothing I can do about it.
Not much choice but to be a litigant in person.

Marriage was 10+years.
She has an NHS and private pension that I know of.

And yes my research is limited, so apologies in advance of any simple questions.

OP posts:
Mia85 · 03/10/2023 17:36

Ok so if you haven't had advice where are you getting the points in your OP from? It sounds quite fixed (ex wife 'will' get the house). Is this what she is telling you she wants or are you looking somewhere for advice?

Is there any way you can get advice? It's often much more expensive in the long run to agree to something without advice.

Goodgrief83 · 03/10/2023 17:39

Well you don’t have much to lose OP in terms of assets

How often will you have the children

and she earns more than you despite being part time? Or do you sSo work part time?

how involved have you been in raising the children? Would they see you or their mother as primary carer?

Goodgrief83 · 03/10/2023 17:42

Ah she doesn’t work part time she works from home

I suspect court will went the children to stay in family home if possible especially given SN

but the key question is - how often will you have the children?

are you low income? Or not?

millymollymoomoo · 03/10/2023 18:23

You 100% cannot afford not to have jegal
advice here!

Spacecowboys · 03/10/2023 18:34

You absolutely need legal advice. It’s certainly not a given that you will have to stay on the mortgage or that you will get a smaller share of any joint assets. You have to be able to house yourself as well! Nhs is a good pension, I imagine your ex will want to protect it. Negotiating a higher percentage of equity from the family home for yourself , with her keeping all her pension may be something you can negotiate. But you need a good solicitor.

Original poster
Mr77 · 03/10/2023 18:42

Mia85 · 03/10/2023 17:36

Ok so if you haven't had advice where are you getting the points in your OP from? It sounds quite fixed (ex wife 'will' get the house). Is this what she is telling you she wants or are you looking somewhere for advice?

Is there any way you can get advice? It's often much more expensive in the long run to agree to something without advice.

My EW has been given advice from her solicitors, and then made statements to meet that it's 99.9% a done deal that she will keep the house, and that on the day of the divorce being finalised I need to get out.
I get that her solicitors will tell her more or less what she wants to hear.
It's mixed advice tbh.
I've got a couple of friends who have been or are going through a similar scenario.
The main advice I'm getting is through a colleagues mother who is a family law solicitor.
So I know the majority of what I get back from them is going to be correct.

In regards to EW, she has two jobs, one working from home and another at an office. Both add up to 40hrs.

With my work pattern I would not be able to have the children 50% of the time, and depending on my future living situation (budget allowing) I want to have them three nights a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mr77 · 03/10/2023 18:47

Goodgrief83 · 03/10/2023 17:42

Ah she doesn’t work part time she works from home

I suspect court will went the children to stay in family home if possible especially given SN

but the key question is - how often will you have the children?

are you low income? Or not?

I suspect the court will want that too.

Neither of us are in a position to buy each other out.

My income is around 29k, but can vary due a large proportion of that being commission.

If I have to rent, which will cost me approximately £300-400 more per month, it limits the properties avaliable to me to house two children.
I have proposed that I want to have the children with me for three nights a week.

OP posts:
1month · 03/10/2023 18:56

Goodgrief83 · 03/10/2023 17:20

Of course CM is means tested.

You havent don’t much research have you?

What a dickish comment.

OP is obviously worried about how they’re going to cope and doesn’t need any extra shitty behaviour on top.

LDA123 · 03/10/2023 19:02

I’d definitely get legal advice - quite often you can get a cheap 30 mins / 1 hour with a new solicitor for general advice. Take as much info as you can with you - assets, earnings etc. It doesn’t have to cost the earth, I am representing myself in court and the total cost is £275 for the court fee. It will be a statutory requirement to complete the form E (with pension/house value, savings etc) and I’m hoping a judge will give a fair outcome.

Although you are jointly liable for the mortgage, doesn’t necessary mean you have to pay half especially if you are renting. My stbxh doesn’t contribute at all to the mortgage although it is joint. Just an issue if she doesn’t pay…

There is a calculator online to work out CM normally based on your last p60 (unless a big change in income) and how many nights per week you’ll see your children.

LemonTT · 03/10/2023 19:19

Look there is advice on line which you can use. The advice your ex has received is her advice based on what she asked the solicitor to secure for her. She won’t have put your case to him.

There is no absolute right to stay in the house unless she buys out your share. Unless we know what the children’s special needs are, we can’t say that a move, downsize or relocation is out of the question.

If she can afford to but you out now then that is what will be the preferred outcome. Then the options become less palatable for both of you. The sale or buy out can be deferred but she will be expected to pay the full mortgage. You will get your share at some point or if her circumstances change.

You will also have entitlement to a pension share. Which might cost her a lot in the long run.

I would suggest that you respond to her claims in a neutral fashion. Basically say you not her legal advice and you will be getting your own in due course. Then ask that she agrees to mediation. There you can both declare all your assets and discuss how they should be split and how you will co parent. If that doesn’t resolve you can begin the legal process.

A lot can be done without a solicitor. For example the formal declaration of assets is just a finding of fact. As will be your respective needs for housing and pension.

Her solicitor (if she is being truthful) has just made an initial offer. It’s part of a negotiation and it is a bullshit offer.

Next step mediation.

FSTraining · 03/10/2023 19:20

In the event that you are forced to rent for a time, this will need to be reflected in the settlement. Either she has to hand over a lot of her NHS pension or you should be entitled to 50% of the FMH at some point in the future. I think your STBX is being economical with the truth and not to be trusted.

BoohooWoohoo · 03/10/2023 19:29

You can find a Child Maintenance calculator on Google to see how much you owe.

I'd be surprised if you had to pay her mortgage on your wage. If she can't pay the mortgage on her wage then the house needs to be sold and both rent.

She has the kids more so should get the DLA and CM. If you had the kids 50:50 then I would argue that each of you should claim for a child each.

You are splitting up so you need to remember that she's not on your side any more. Housing is the biggest expense for most people and it's not a done deal that she can stay with your name on the mortgage since you might want to buy again one day.

Original poster
Mr77 · 03/10/2023 19:32

The thing I find odd is that due to one argument we had she refused to discuss finances any further and stated that she's leaving it for the courts to decide.
So she's refused to do financial mediation.

We've both had our first initial MIAM, and she and I are willing to do childcare mediation.
Which will be interesting as a letter from her solicitors arrived a while back and I did the calculations on what she was asking.. Turns out that I'd need to take 65days of annnual leave to accommodate her request.
My employer gives me 30 days per year..

There are no mechanisms in place to force a parent to have the children more than they are able to, so that part of mediation will be interesting.

OP posts:
FSTraining · 03/10/2023 19:32

One other thought. If she does have to keep you on the mortgage, call the lender and tell them you do not consent to any new fixed term deals in the future. Then when your current fix ends, she will have to go onto the much more expensive standard variable rate. You will almost certainly be indemnified from paying towards the mortgage and even if you are not, if you have no financial interest in the house you can net this against CM payments.

Believe me, this is an incredible motivator to get someone to release you from the mortgage!

FSTraining · 03/10/2023 19:35

Mr77 · 03/10/2023 19:32

The thing I find odd is that due to one argument we had she refused to discuss finances any further and stated that she's leaving it for the courts to decide.
So she's refused to do financial mediation.

We've both had our first initial MIAM, and she and I are willing to do childcare mediation.
Which will be interesting as a letter from her solicitors arrived a while back and I did the calculations on what she was asking.. Turns out that I'd need to take 65days of annnual leave to accommodate her request.
My employer gives me 30 days per year..

There are no mechanisms in place to force a parent to have the children more than they are able to, so that part of mediation will be interesting.

We have to wonder if she even has a solicitor? Or if this is just bluster?

Original poster
Mr77 · 03/10/2023 19:35

There's no way I could afford half the mortgage and rent at the same time.

Until I can figure out how to be removed from the mortgage, then I'm at risk of my credit rating being destroyed if she defaults.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mr77 · 03/10/2023 19:37

She does.
I've had three or four emails from them so far in regards to changing from Joint tenants, to Tennants in common.
A childcare letter and most recently next steps and her 'right to privacy' in our home I might add.

OP posts: