How do you cope financially

[Mr77]

I'm not fully through the divorce process and I'm looking at what is going to be a, very bleak future.

It seems like the ex wife will get the house as she works from home three out of five days a week, and we have two children with special needs.

I'm told I'll still be on the mortgage, yet not living there and still liable for it.

I'll be renting somewhere and no doubt paying more than I was for the mortgage.
Also I'll be paying CM.

The thing I find hard to comprehend is that EW will keep the house, continue to receive DLA and CB (total £950pcm) and a chunk of child maintenance from me.

She does earn more than me, but not by a huge margin, but she does have the ability to earn more in her job.

Will the court take into account my earnings, rent and all other associated bills when going over Form E's and look at what is fair?

Is child maintenance means tested, because the rent around here is huge, and I'd need to be in relative close proximity to my children's schools.
It could be that I'm left with absolutely nothing financially once all payments go out.

I would get off the mortgage if possible, my dp stayed on "for the children" 15 years later, ex refusing to sell, legal costs mounting, not been good for relationship with the children ( adults now). Not moving out until a deal done can be very motivating

The mortgage is on a fixed rate until 2027

I don’t know the legal sides but I assume that when a married couple divorced the house gets sold and is split 50/50.

He's here for help not judgement 🙄

It's ok... The comment didn't bother me.

Yes I'm new to all this, yes there will be those that might look down on someone with little experience etc etc.

I'm grateful to those that have replied so far, I appreciate it.

I can't afford a solicitor either but I did pay for one hour with a competent divorce solicitor who gave me an approximate idea of my rights. This gives me a baseline of what is reasonable and what isn't, and I think you could benefit massively from this yourself.

Send a few queries to solicitors in your area for a price on a one off consultation. Some are a fixed fee rather than hourly. Take some facts with you ie both salary figures, estimate of equity in the house, savings or investment amounts.

From my consultation I have worked out that I can do the divorce online myself. The custody probably via mediation and only need the solicitor for financials. It's been a huge weight off my mind knowing this, and because I know my rights my stbxh isn't as insistent over certain things, ie leaving the house before it's sold.

Presumably, she has similar holiday entitlement and has to factor in 13 weeks school holiday a year? Working 40 hours per week and holiday childcare is difficult. Fair to share the load although in fairness, 65 days is very uneven!

Just want to give you a bit of hope OP. My partners divorce proceedings started off a bit like yours and he, and most importantly the kids, are through the other side.
The first thing I would do is to work out how much you need to live and provide a home for you and your kids- a proper budget based on estimates.
Then write down all the questions you have for a solicitor. You will get a lot of conflicting advice online but there are better sources then other.
Have you both been paying the mortgage? That was a big factor for my partner- they had both been paying in.

Advice usually is not to engage in any form of mediation with an abusive ex

3 nights a week you said could you not have the kids 3 nights a week one week and 4 nights the other week and alternate it like that then it would be 50/50.

Turns out that I'd need to take 65days of annnual leave to accommodate her request.

and she wouldn’t? Or do you have every week of every holiday throughout the entire year?

Pop your details onto this to work out what your child maintenance would be.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

It sounds like your EW is proposing a mesher order:

https://brittontime.com/2021/01/18/six-things-you-need-to-know-about-a-mesher-order/#:~:text=A%20mesher%20order%2C%20also%20sometimes,a%20divorce%27s%20financial%20settlement%20stage.

It might sound daft, but I’d consider getting yourself a book about divorce. I got one from Amazon that I found really useful just for understanding the process. I can’t recommend it unfortunately, as it was for the old divorce system, but there must be an up to date one.

good luck

Women usually adapt their work pattern to fit round kids. Are you too important to do that?

If the insinuation is that I've been abusive.. Then that could not be further from the truth.

I've been subject to emotional manipulation and gaslighting.
Just so happens to be some of the reasons for the divorce itself.

Just ignore comments like this. I've noticed there are a few female equivalents of Andrew Tate on here that - like him - base all their views on idiotic gender biases and should be ignored.

On the subject of the mortgage, if the fix is up in 2027 that would- worst case - keep you on it for 4 years. After that your ex would have the choice of releasing you or paying around 2-3% more interest than they otherwise would because they cannot fix. More often than not, it suddenly becomes a lot easier for the other partner to be released or they decide they can sell after all.

What I have done on several occasions is alter (through negotiations with management) my working schedule to accommodate her needs and those of our children.
I work with a small team and any changes they make, or I make have knock on effects to their working schedules also.
I've done the very best I can within the remit of our business to be as minimally disruptive to their lives and mine.

I am currently looking at alternative employment that might allow a greater degree of flexibility, but without sacrifice to current earnings.

Thanks for your input though.

There are no mechanisms in place to force a parent to have the children more than they are able to, so that part of mediation will be interesting.

Look at you, ensuring you aren't forced to parent your own children by that pesky other parent. You know, the one actually raising them, who is forced to do all the parenting you seem to think is optional around your big important (lower paying) man job.

Op you sound like you're really trying and wanting to be there for your kids! I hope you find your way

This is definitely a great idea.
With everything churning around in my head sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees.
I'll definitely consider this, because to be honest I'd like them to have an established routine outside of this divorce that gives them certainty and security.

So you need to borrow some money, get a solicitor and go for 50:50 custody of the kids, showing serious preparation as to how you'll manage this

and go for 50:50 custody of the kids

^ what about the posts here suggest this is what's best for the children?

From what you say your wife will be looking children with additional needs, quite severe based on the DLA amounts, and works. and you are begrudging her the DLA money? You do realise that money is to cover extra costs associated with the disability.

Fear not! CM is a pittance of the portion of your income.

It’s not hard to see why your marriage broke up given your attitude. You are assuming your wife will still take on the burden of work for your family and you begrudge her the money and security to do this.

It’s a clever man that asks a group of women for advice about best plan of attack re divorce financial settlement

cms is not a pittance to a low earner who also has to pay a mortgage on a house he’s not living in ( if it was awarded as such and based in info here that should not be the outcome !) and rent for themselves!

op the crux is you need a solicitor

if she can’t afford to take you off the mortgage and pay the mortgage and bills herself it’s highly likely ( although not impossible)) that the house would have to be sold . a mesher is unlikely if the nrp is low earner as it materially impacts their own housing ability.

when considering settlement all assets need to be be assessed which includes her nhs pension, equity and anything else, incomes and income potential will also be considered as Will adequate housing needs for both parties and children. A court won’t award most to one party leaving the other with little except for v extreme cases usually with mitigating circumstances

you have to have your own kegsl
advice do borrow money if you need to to at least get some advice and guidance even if you then do a lot of the paperwork yourself