How do you cope financially

[Mr77]

I'm not fully through the divorce process and I'm looking at what is going to be a, very bleak future.

It seems like the ex wife will get the house as she works from home three out of five days a week, and we have two children with special needs.

I'm told I'll still be on the mortgage, yet not living there and still liable for it.

I'll be renting somewhere and no doubt paying more than I was for the mortgage.
Also I'll be paying CM.

The thing I find hard to comprehend is that EW will keep the house, continue to receive DLA and CB (total £950pcm) and a chunk of child maintenance from me.

She does earn more than me, but not by a huge margin, but she does have the ability to earn more in her job.

Will the court take into account my earnings, rent and all other associated bills when going over Form E's and look at what is fair?

Is child maintenance means tested, because the rent around here is huge, and I'd need to be in relative close proximity to my children's schools.
It could be that I'm left with absolutely nothing financially once all payments go out.

Not all employers offer this, and if they did I doubt they would allow the amount needed for this situation.

And of course I do.
Only an idiot would ask such a question.

Completely unacceptable comment laced with insinuations

I am looking for a higher paying job currently.
Paid child care for two children SEN isn't easy to find.
The nearest available appropriate child care is 39 miles away.
Nearest family member is 112 miles away.
Friends do help us out here and there but we respect that they very much lead their own lives and will only ask them as a last resort.
Using annual leave and swapping shifts is something we've both been doing already.

Sort out mediation. It's cheaper than court and there is an expectation you will try a non-legal route first. Agree, that in many cases a 50:50 split of assets is usual. I am separated. We weren't married but split a jointly owned property. My future will be financially incredibly tight now, I am afraid. We are 50-50 with kids so we didn't need to sort CMS out.

You very clearly see the children as your wife’s problem.

either admit that and agree a contact arrangement and financial settlement that reflects that she’s the one who has to organise her life and work around the children, bearing the practical and financial responsibility.

Or accept that you need to approach this as equally responsible.

She has limited annual leave too. She has two jobs to manage.

Get legal advice - but also accept your responsibilities.

eiw us not the standard when one parent wirk shifts /or weekends!!
op Ed also needs to compromise so they can come up with suitable arrangements
it’s also MUCH harder to arrange child care at weekends as you know after clubs/nurseries/child minders etc are shut!

take unpaid leave? Right so ops already low income goes down as Will cms…

ridiculous comments on this thread

op I’d leave the thread now
seek legal advice
Don’t simply accept things that she’s said will happen
get to mediation and court if necessary

The OP’s assumption is still that the wife and the children should simply revolve around him.

the thing about getting divorced is that she shouldn’t have to arrange herself so that she can conveniently be his childcare and then be left figuring out how to cover the school holidays herself because he doesn’t want to take equal responsibility.

It is in the children’s interests for the parents to share the weekends and school holidays. Disproportionately it is men who manage to make excuses for not taking equal responsibility, and women who have to pick up the slack/shoulder the consequences.

So what if the OP has to use his annual leave to cover weekends and pay for some holiday childcare to cover the rest of the time? That is what parents just have to do.

Or he could just admit that he’s only really interested in having the kids on his midweek days off and the odd weekend, maybe a week in the holidays, and that he just views it as their mother’s job to deal with the rest.

You need to understand that your wife is no longer going to be your practical support system.

She is likely to want you to commit to a contact schedule and take responsibility for that. Just as she takes responsibility for her part of the schedule. You’re divorcing, so she doesn’t have to be your support human any longer. Or ensure that the primary consideration in everything is what works best for you.

Let the implications of that sink in - and then figure out how you can step up to that plate.

You can figure things out. It may require all sorts of change and both of you will be poorer. That’s how these things go. But recognising that you are not entitled to her picking up the slack for you is a key first stage.

You find and pay for childcare.

You're in a low paid job now, rather than look for a higher paying one, why not look for one with more flexibility to work around your children? That's what many women do.

Rather than putting your work at the centre and trying to figure out how to fit your kids around it, put your kids at the centre and see how you can fit work around them.

Reading between the lines of what you've told us here I suspect that your ex wife IS trying to force you to lift your vision and take responsibility. I suspect if instead of digging your heels in and saying it's not possible, you come to her with some solutions that show you are determined to make this work then she would probably be willing to compromise as well.

You need to change your job.

If you can't attain anything higher paid, then you at least need to attain something where your two days off are the weekends.

Your inability to have your children, and her working two jobs to accommodate your shortcomings, is not something you should be smirking "well she can't force me, so now what"...and then expecting to be treated with respect by her. It doesn't deserve respect.

It's all so "what about meeee."

The children are at school all day on the two days you propose to have them as well, so there's little quality time, is there. You're really not demonstrating that any of this, centres around anyone but yourself.

Could perhaps one parent claim DLA and child benefit for one child and one parent claim DLA and child benefit for the other, this then may open you to more government assistance.

Who is appointee for the children?

Yes, but this only really works as a solution for the resident parent (i.e. the one collecting the benefits). If you can receive universal credit for children as the resident parent, it is often the case that cutting back hours can largely be replaced by additional benefits (for example, in theory you lose 55p of UC for every £1 you earn but in fact once you factor in tax, you only gain about 13p for that extra £1. In reverse, it only costs 13p for each £1 less you earn as the resident parent, whereas for the OP he will lose 68p for every £1 less he earns).

If, on the other hand, you are not the recipient of benefits (as the OP said he would not be in his first post) then his cutting back hours would result in a significant drop in income.

Rather than reply one by one I think I need to explain the benefit system because people who are saying "pay for childcare" or "cut your hours, women can" clearly don't have a clue how they do it.

Say you are the resident parent of two SEN children and you earn about £20k. If you need before and after school care for them too, you'll be able to qualify for about £1,800 in benefits a month (UC and CB). That's on top of the roughly £1,400 in income. Approximately half of the benefits would be to pay childcare costs, 85% of which will be covered. Incidentally, if the job was lost or hours cut, UC would only drop by about 13p in the £1 for the first £7.5k lost and 45p thereafter. If the RP reduced their income by a third, they would be about £900 worse off a year.

In contrast, if you are the NRP, even if you have the children 50% of the time, you won't get access to any of these benefits. For example, the OP will be taking home just under £2k a month right now. If he reduces his hours by a third, like people are suggesting, his salary will drop by £600 a month (more than six times as much as the RP's salary would reduce for taking the same course of action).

This is how "women do it." I would prefer to say RP as more and more often it's a man nowadays, but basically its the same. If you are the RP, you have a lot more recourse to benefits and that's how they "do it."

Can people please factor this into consideration before further berating the OP? It's quite clear to me that the OP would like to do this but cannot do so whilst his ex enjoys all of the benefits receivable. Quite clearly, for this to work with more equal care, each parent will need the benefits for one child, something his STBXW is refusing to consider.

In spite of my somewhat snarky comment upthread which was deleted, I would like to assure OP that my most recent post was in no way intended to berate you but to suggest a reframing of your position.

It's difficult when faced with a break up. Two salaries that just about made things work now have to run two households and it can seem impossible. It happens however and after the initial cataclysm things are made to work and life moves on.

You've stated OP how keen you are to have a relationship with your children. I think allowing a situation to develop where one parent has all the responsibility (and possibly state benefits) and the other has none is one that leads to resentment on both sides, with no one getting what they really want.

You say your ex works 40 hours a week and earns slightly more than you. She may well not wish to cut her working hours and rely on benefits which can become something of a trap - how could she save for retirement for example? Having said that you may both need to compromise.

When I became a single parent my ex moved hundreds of miles away and made it clear that all would be on me. I took a new job that paid more and was a quick commute so that I could do drop offs/pick ups. I negotiated a contract with fewer hours. It was an absolute nightmare slog for the first few years but things are easier and now having moved jobs again I'm quite highly paid with some time to myself. I wasn't entitled to any benefits,not even child benefit, but I made it work.

You're in a better position than I was in that your ex isn't walking away and leaving you to it, and it sounds like you don't want to do the same with her. Her actions suggest that she is keen for you to be involved. An oppositional stance will really not serve either of you well in the long run.

As I said previously if you can approach her with some positive suggestions which will demonstrate that you are not intending to leave her as default parent these may be well received.

How many days does your ex get? How are you proposing to square this circle? It isn't just her job to fix.

What I don't understand is if you can't cut your hours to accommodate such a small amount of hours why can/how your ex w? A genuine question. Why is your job/time more important than hers? She will be having them by the look of things 80+% (with the proposed timings) of the time which you are deeming somehow unreasonable?

Couple of things to bear in mind. Ex-wife is on universal credit and will get 85% of childcare costs paid up to a certain limit. So there is not equality in terms of the ability of the ex-husband to have the children here. If the ex-wife insists on collecting all of the benefits and having all of the access to childcare funding on the grounds they do the vast majority of childcare, it is not unreasonable to expect them to do the vast majority of childcare. The ex-wife is also demanding sole occupancy of the FMH (which I think she is very unlikely to get).

The other point is that these are the sort of conversations that should be worked out in mediation but the ex-wife is refusing to mediate.

It’s a bit of a catch-22 situation though? Surely if the father stepped up and took greater responsibility for childcare for his children, then the Mum would be able to work more and therefore not rely on UC (depending on earnings) to boost earnings. If she wasn’t receiving 85% refund of childcare costs and both Mum and Dad were looking after the children, surely that would be equal?

@LDA123 It depends on the circumstances. Here, both parents earn similar amounts and in fact the wife earns slightly more. And is also adamant she will not give up a penny of benefits and won't mediate, which doesn't give the OP any good options.

Is it not possible for OP to have the children 50% of the time and use paid childcare? His wife uses childcare so there must be some available. I’m sure in this situation, wouldn’t court find it fair and reasonable to split benefits (claim for 1 child each). If he is already on a lower income than his ex-wife, then perhaps he could be entitled to UC in his own right and then get 85% of childcare costs?

His wife qualifies for benefits. This is not an option for the OP, he cannot afford the sort of childcare he would need. He's in the awkward bracket where he would struggle to get UC although negotiating to split the benefits would be my suggestion. However, again, his wife won't mediate so it would have to be settled in court, which he probably cannot afford.

Then perhaps he needs to go to court and represent himself (at a cost of £275) and argue that benefits should be split 1 child each meaning he might be able to afford the childcare with help of UC (if receiving 1 child portion of UC).

I can’t help but feel for the wife in this situation, she is working 40 hours per week doing 2 jobs, looking after two SEN children 80% of the time. She hasn’t exactly got it easy and is probably in desperate need of a bit of a break (with their father stepping up). It sounds very tough for her.

If she won’t mediate, then the mediator will sign off on the MIAM and allow the OP to apply to court.

I would feel a lot more sympathetic to her if she wasn't creating her own problems. She needs to 1) agree to mediation and 2) accept that divorce means both parties will need to reduce their lifestyles, not just her ex-husband. Until she can accept that, she is making it impossible for him to afford to do more childcare.