How do you cope financially

[Mr77]

I'm not fully through the divorce process and I'm looking at what is going to be a, very bleak future.

It seems like the ex wife will get the house as she works from home three out of five days a week, and we have two children with special needs.

I'm told I'll still be on the mortgage, yet not living there and still liable for it.

I'll be renting somewhere and no doubt paying more than I was for the mortgage.
Also I'll be paying CM.

The thing I find hard to comprehend is that EW will keep the house, continue to receive DLA and CB (total £950pcm) and a chunk of child maintenance from me.

She does earn more than me, but not by a huge margin, but she does have the ability to earn more in her job.

Will the court take into account my earnings, rent and all other associated bills when going over Form E's and look at what is fair?

Is child maintenance means tested, because the rent around here is huge, and I'd need to be in relative close proximity to my children's schools.
It could be that I'm left with absolutely nothing financially once all payments go out.

I mean, good speech, but you've literally smirked at how you can't be "forced" to parent your own children to inconvenience your job. Which is low paying. But you seem to think it's ok that your exW is forced to do it and suck up all the cost and inconvenience you think you're above.

You don't seem to get that. Her default, that she does day in, day out, you genuinely think you are exempt from, it's what you can fit in, only once you've done your important man job. You can't be "forced" to perform the minimum role as a parent.

Of course, if anyone thinks that's laughable, they must be scorned, or jaded, according to you.

You pay for childcare to cover some of those days?

The OP earns only £29k. Where on earth is he going to find the money for this much childcare? His STBXW will presumably qualify for some UC and get 85% of her childcare costs paid but what about him? Where do you think he will find this money?

Well given the lack of time he's prepared to spend with his children, he can get a second job.

If I ever want to know what it's like to go through life sitting in judgement of others without a grasp of the facts, and to do it with a sanctimonious arrogance and belief in my infallibility... Well, I will know who to ask!

Well that's a lot of words.

Just because you can't see his laughable stance, doesn't mean others (and the judge) can't.

@ChristmasCrumpet you are one bitter and twisted person
lay off with the unfounded attacks

If care is 50:50 then the benefits, CB etc would all be shared. He doesn't just get to say 'the kids need to fit round my work' and expect everyone to roll over and applaud how amazing he is for having them sometimes. It's tough if you have kids with SEN, it shouldn't be, but it is. If you're trying to run two households out of the same money that used to run one, you're both going to be pretty badly off.

Why does he earn so little when it sounds like his ex-wife has done all the earning, had two jobs, and done most of the childcare?

I don't understand why it's always touted that the woman will be eligible for UC and get 85% of childcare cost paid for. Is it really that common?

Sorry, I'm just a bit sceptical of your belief that you have magical powers to deduce facts that haven't been presented from which you can draw conclusions. I'm only a meer mortal and this is a new world for me. Whilst you're here can you tell me what lottery numbers I should buy and how life came to be on earth? Should be quite straightforward compared to what you've predicted so far.

Unfortunately children cost money though. And your understanding of how benefits work in divorce is wrong. Child benefit is not necessarily shared and he won't be eligible for universal credit but she will (see original post).

Essentially what you're saying is that on top of all the benefits, on top of her higher income, on top of 85% of her childcare being paid by UC and on top of CM from the OP, mum should also do only half of the childcare and Dad should somehow find the money for this on a £29k salary.

Actually, thinking about it, the solution might be spousal maintenance from Mum to make both homes equal. Then he could afford to reduce hours.

It's not magical powers. I'm quoting exactly what he said, I'm not sure why you are claiming you can't read that also?

You need to stop listening to your wife about what she says her solicitor says she’s entitled to. You need your own advice.

My STBXH talks unbelievable shit about what he’s entitled to. It was a very short marriage/co-habitation. He earns far more than me (and intentionally diverts an additional nearly £1k a month into his pension to make him income appear ‘reduced’), houses no children, pays nothing but his only expenses and absolute minimum CMS… but listen to him about the concrete advice he has from his solicitor and you’d think he’s entitled to keep his pensions, keep the £30k he just got sitting in the bank and receive 3/4 the equity in the house (he contributed zero to the deposit) on the basis that he ‘needs’ to buy a house and he’s 44 (so apparently can’t get a ‘full term’ mortgage - with a £30k deposit in his own savings, a six figure salary and living in an area where you can easily find 4 bedroom houses for well under £250k, even in nice areas).

I’m telling you this because when a stranger outlines claims like this it’s obvious that it’s complete nonsense. It’s much harder when it’s your life, you’re stressed, it’s your ex in your ear confidently asserting utter fiction and you have no legal advice of your own.

Putting some money towards getting initial legal advice here will be a good investment for you. It’s far cheaper than a lifetime of paying her mortgage and your rent.

You are going to have to accept that you are going to find life hard financially though.

Child maintenance is based on your income - not your expenses. Paying the minimum CMS rate does not make you father of the year - it really is the minimum.

The divorce settlement will take into account needs - you do need to be able to house yourself by renting something, but a woman with primary care of two disabled children has greater housing needs than you. The children’s needs are addressed through her.

You say she could earn more (she already works 2 jobs and cares for the children!) but nothing about how you might improve your own earning potential.

You need legal advice so you have a realistic picture of where you are. It won’t be as bad as she’s presenting (although her ‘keeping’ the house is not ridiculous - it’s the you paying the mortgage bit that is unlikely) but it’s likely that the limited assets will need to be disproportionately shared in the children’s best interests.

Not terribly common but it will apply in lower income divorces like this one fairly frequently.

You're not quoting directly. Your cutting a piece of what he said, twisting it and distorting it to fit your prejudices and then broadcasting your own brand of hate speech in the most arrogant "I'm right, I know best" way imaginable.

I'll use my own magical powers of deduction now. I cannot help thinking you had a messy divorce yourself. Can't possibly think where that thought has come from 😂

Sadly not "messily" divorced. Or even divorced.

OP thinks mediation will be "interesting" with his pesky exW trying to "force" him to have his own children. He wants to check he can't be forced to have them, whilst expecting her to do exactly that.

There's little to misunderstand.

I think you need to look up what hate speech is, are you always this angry?

I think that speaks for itself

To be fair to the PP… the OP does say several things that very clearly indicate that he sees the children as his wife’s responsibility.

In regards to EW, she has two jobs, one working from home and another at an office. Both add up to 40hrs.

With my work pattern I would not be able to have the children 50% of the time, and depending on my future living situation (budget allowing) I want to have them three nights a week.

Shes got two jobs but he could possibly have them 50% of the time. And, if he gets enough from the divorce settlement (that what ‘budget allowing’ most likely means), he wants to have them 3 nights a week.

We've both had our first initial MIAM, and she and I are willing to do childcare mediation.
Which will be interesting as a letter from her solicitors arrived a while back and I did the calculations on what she was asking.. Turns out that I'd need to take 65days of annnual leave to accommodate her request.
My employer gives me 30 days per year.

There are no mechanisms in place to force a parent to have the children more than they are able to, so that part of mediation will be interesting.

Here, he’s not happy that his wife’s suggested contact arrangements because he doesn’t have enough annual leave. The kids are just her problem to deal with - and there are no legal mechanisms to make him have them.

Unfortunately the all too common in men sense that children and childcare are an opt-in thing if it’s sufficiently convenient does come across strongly in the actual content of what the OP has written. There is very clear evidence of it.

You can ask CMS to vary the CM due to take account of mortgage. You need to crack on with registering the matter at court and getting form E info exchanged. If you know her earnings and dla level you can put the info into a benefits calculator. I would be surprised if with earnings and probably UC top up as an carer / for disabled children and two lots of dla she could not afford the mortgage solo. She may even be able to increase the mortgage amount or term and buy you out with enough to consider a shared ownership property for when children are with you. The court does take future contribution into account where there are disabled children so impact on future income / pension due to caring. Even if she earns more than you it is probably less than if the dc did not have Sen. For eg I have to be home outside school hours as my ds can’t be left unsupervised so work reduced daily hours and take unpaid leave for holidays. That financial sacrifice should be factored in. It’s not her fault if you are a modest earner and you having dc overnight doesn’t make up for not helping with before and after school which is when income is affected. However i would think it’s very unlikely you would have to pay rent, mortgage and CM. Probably she would have to release you from mortgage. I don’t understand the holidays - if you do 3 nights a week and 65 holiday days that would make you the main carer as you would have them over 50%. There’s no point stressing until you have exchanged financial info and it’s pointless her solicitors sending aggressive letters without transparency on finances.

Mumsnet increasingly lacks empathy.

The housing needs are EQUAL for both the parents.

The children will also be living with the OP and since they are disabled, he has to take this into consideration when choosing a suitable accomodation for himself.

Yes, it suggests MumsNet needs better regulation. There was nothing wrong with what I said and I will be taking this up with the administrators. I'm also going to report all of your posts.