Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

[JustDad46]

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

It's not a case of bashing, it's common sense. Ultimately the ones most damaged out of a situation like this are the children.

Any parent whether that's the mother or father should have the children's interests as a priority. Unfortunately, some can't see past their own needs and use the children as pawns, to the point of stopping them from going to school along with damaging their relationships.

Maybe there is something wrong, who knows but there may also not be, it could just be malice. When someone is hellbent on destroying your relationship with the children and your reputation by any means necessary and refuses to communicate or relent...it doesn't matter how much you care for them, they ain't caring for you or the children.

I cared deeply for mine, I never did anything, nothing. There's only so long you can try and care and I did for a long, long time through this but it's attack after attack and you're just continuously defending yourself, when you haven't done anything other than try and maintain a relationship with the children and make sure they are safe.

If you don't fight back and defend yourself all is lost including the children. I still care to a degree but she's making it extremely hard, it's gone past the point of no return. I don't hate her, I'm just sad this is all sad...but she won't stop I know she won't. So I'll have to try stop it.

I think the problem here is that quite a lot of women have had their ex partners do this and completely deny any abuse has taken place because they didn't punch you in the face, despite severe coercive and emotional abuse. I had my ex show concern for my MH to others purely to make him the victim when I can tell you he's not. It's a tale as old as time.

I'm not saying that is the case here at all but it does make you think of the other side of this and perhaps prejudice your thinking. I'm sure the OP really believes he's the wronged party here and he may well be, we know false allegations happen.

We will never find out his wife's views or version of events though, so whilst I think objective thinking and advice is best, we're going on the assumption of OP's versions of events given this is his thread.

I appreciate that and we have to take threads at face value, I'm just saying why someone might say that he's not showing genuine concern etc. I'm not saying that's the case at all.

It’s good that your DC are back in school.

If you have not been court ordered no contact / supervised contact currently are you not able to swing by after school to meet you DC and give them a new phone?

I am being objective. And it doesn't matter to me if it's man or woman when i call out things I see. Children don't deserve to be in this situations.

I do see wife bashing, She's abusive, she was physically absent, she doesn't care about their well being so stopped them from going to school, parental alienation, using the courts against you. Her solictors are rubbish and uncooperative with a 1 star review only skilled at alienation. The police officer attending was biased due to family connections.

She's a liar, her whole family is turned against you, she's convinced SW despite your 10 pages of evidence etc. She must be some evil genuis.

yet the facts are she fled the home. the children haven't been in contact. Children do have some agency if they want to reach out, especially as he says We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly. for the kids messages, they were sent to me after police had told me to leave the house on the first evening.

A 15 year old can absolutely text/email you from his mates phone even if his mother has blocked you.

If she didn't leave because OP is abusive/other issues in their marriage as he discounts that she's having an affair where others have suggested it, then I only have his facts in his very first post that says
Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character.

So she's having some sort of breakdown presumably.

Fighting for your children is one thing and quite frankly should be the only thing. Defending yourself for this end-yes. But this underhand pillory of her is unnecessary.

It's very easy to see the truth here. They 'leak' so to speak.
Show up on a mostly women forum with a big sob story and the handmaidens will arrive to defend and 'help'. He's even admitted taking this to private messaging with some.

That's because it doesn't exist.

He's leaving out all the details that don't paint him in a good light.

This. I am not sure that OP is aware how it is coming across, but this is exactly what I meant by my previous comment.

Beyond re-establishing contact with your DCs - what are the likely financial and logistical outcomes for you all?

Will you have to sell the family home or so you plan to buy her out?

Again, for those doubting court orders, early on into the proceedings they are done by magistrates. Magistrates cannot order any contact that isn't agreed by both parties, only a judge can.

They also don't take any evidence until requested at later hearings. So, it doesn't matter how much evidence you have you can't submit until they ask, later down the line.

@Catsafterme then is there anything stopping OP meeting his children after school for instance as there currently isn’t anything legally preventing this? Would that no be a good thing to do for the DCs to break this impasse and minimise any alienation or coercion of them that is allegedly going on by the STBXW?

@Gloriously I don't know, I mean he could legally do that but it depends on whether it's used against him.

Same with me, there was nothing legally stopping me from trying to see mine, no arrest or order but it's a case of if I had it would have been used as ammunition against me. The other sides legal team almost baited for that scenario and so I was advised to stay away and bide my time for court to take over.

I don’t understand how something that is legal can be used against you in a court?

I would be more concerned that my DC thought I had abandoned them and not made any attempts to see them when I could do so legally - that IMHO could damage the long term relationship with the DC which is far more important than dubious legal game playing?

I understand if involved turning up and causing a scene at a young child’s nursery etc - but to be nearby in a public space where your 15 year old DD could approach you or not seems reasonable to me.

Yeah, I dunno it's hard to say and can only go off my experience so far. Mines a different situation, younger and isolated so I can't go and see them elsewhere like school or family.

So in my case should I try, the event will be twisted into something that hasn't happened in order to work against me. This happened already several months ago and was used strategically to prevent contact, even though nothing happened that was stated.

May be different here perhaps I don't know, school and witnesses. Mine is an extreme case and is now being treated as such by the courts. Just long process.

OP - how are things?

A bit rough today. Feeling the separation today. Been thinking ahead to Christmas and wondering what that's going to look like... how my kids will feel... where they'll be.. how much progress will have been made by courts, SWs etc...

And, much to the delight of @RantyAntyetc., I'm finding the private messaging much more useful on here than the public forum where it's less easy to give too many details with so many conclusion jumpers and assumption artists. Lots of axes being ground here and I came here for the genuine people. Thankfully they're more than amenable to the message system.

Will update on developments this week to those I message. No point in fueling the rage of @RantyAnty... We wouldn't want anyone to know her by her fruits...

Interesting that you are asked how you are and respond by trying to goad a poster who questioned you.
Going as far as @ing them twice.

I wonder if you responded to the question by showing who you are rather than how you are.

Post sob story on woman dominant forum, slide into direct messages for sympathy and asspats.

He's a walking red flag and as transparent as a rain drop.

I am sorry that things are so slow and understandably eroding your spirit. I asked in my earlier post what is stopping you just being outside your DCs school so if they wanted to talk with you they could.

It must be painful looking ahead to the Christmas season and not knowing where you will all be by then.

Thank you for the philosophy/psychology lesson. You will probably note that I am not the only user on here who has highlighted RantyAnty's ranting antics. Perhaps that passed you by. Anyhow, good luck to you.

It's MUMSnet not MYSANDRYnet although you're clearly doing your bit to change that and PMs show that you've put a few people off expressing their stories and feelings.

I am heartened by the support I have received from females on what you call a "woman dominant forum" however. Clearly alienation affects parents of both genders although your contributions on this thread, and I invite anyone to read them, have never been constructive by any stretch of the word....

I've sent you a detailed reply in PMs. I feel a bit better today after talking to the parties mentioned in the PM. It's a slow process but the end looks ever more certain as evidence will hopefully win out over claims...

Not a lesson, simply an observation, I understand not one you would appreciate as it is off script of what you are trying to achieve.

Would urge caution to posters involved in direct messages. Remember never give more than you can afford (time/money/ validation).

Nice to see you have the clairvoyance to see PRIVATE messages and judge them on their merits. Don't know who's giving money and I'm certainly taking up no-one's time and don't need validation.

What is it, I wonder, that you, a complete stranger, assume I am trying to achieve? Feel free to enlighten although I probably won't reply as I wouldn't want to give you validation or time....