Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

[JustDad46]

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

Yes, exactly. They are judging your behavior also and they can only do so much until they know more. I've seen threads elsewhere where fathers have kicked off and tried to provide evidence right off the bat before it was ordered, and argued against what has been offered. Then they are confused as to why they aren't seen favourably.

Although they offered unsupervised, then supervised four months ago then rescinded both offers before court, for no reason, they would only agree to indirect now. That's what I have come out with and it's been court ordered and specifically ordered for her not obstruct.

There was a very clear motive to paint me as someone I am not and I think that showed as they went against them, serious investigations are under way due to the circumstances but in the meantime I have something.

Softly softly catch a monkey.

You've got to play the long game here.

Just back from court and feeling quite wrecked so I'll keep this short. THANK YOU all for your support, help and advice.

There has been an interim Contact order in place for over a month but it was conditional on social worker's approval and to be arranged by agreement between parties. Social worker said it would be clear from their side after their report was completed (completed now over a week ago but choc full of contradictions including statements that the contact should/shouldn't be supervised!). i mean it was a shockingly poorly constructed report.

STBXW Insisting to day that contact needs to be supervised by social workers and I'm no further forward because it got moved to a County Court (not sure how it works on the mainland). There will be further social work involvement thanks to STBXW's claims. I guess I'm not alone here in having wild allegations being flung at me from nowhere....

I'm trying to get in touch with new social work team to get their input on supervised contact and then, no doubt, STBXW will raise some new objection.

Not much luck so far with the new SW team.... they do like their lunch breaks. I will keep trying and then get the head down as I'm exhausted sitting around court waiting rooms with STBXW in the vicinity with her supporters.

I'll take the above advice regarding contact but, what impression will the kids get when I'm not allowed to answer any legitimate questions they may have about what's going on or to talk about anything but the weather whilst STBXW can spin her story any way she likes every other minute of the week, all week long???

Would you be surprised that the new SW team, who were passed the case twelve days ago haven't assigned a worker to it yet and probably won't until next week?

So guess who STILL doesn't have actual contact and guess who does yet apparently if I see my kids on the street and they want to come home with me it's legally okay?

Does that make sense to anyone or am I in a state of solitary insanity?

Trust me OP, in the long run it's much better just to take the contact that's supervised than none at all
. The court would take a dim view of that.

Do not say anything to them about the situation if and when you do see them, this ordeal is not their concern, they are children and if your wife is doing that it will come out she is and not you. Anything can be twisted around to make out you are causing issues.

Same was advised to me by barrister, who is also a judge. Careful of wordings, keep it low key, day to day things, be careful of showing too much affection like saying miss or love them as it's confusing for children in these cases sometimes and can be weaponized by the other parent. Mine are younger but I assume same applies.

Take the contact, jump through the hoops and be accommodating. Remember things move slowly, one step at a time.

Yes, be extra careful what you say during supervised contact if its been supervised by a social worker.

To put into context, my ex says things like: "tell mummy she needs to do more of xyz" .. or "mummy told you to say/do that didn't she" or "your mummy isn't giving you enough xyz."

He absolutely cannot help himself even though he's being supervised.

Be careful not to mention your ex wife, proceedings or get the Children's opinions on matters.

Do nice things during contact with them, like play games, watch their favourite videos on YouTube or face time paternal family members.

You have to be showing that the children feel secure on their own with you.

Take the contact that is available. In the long run, it's your ex-wife who is probably going to die alone. Daughters in particular don't tend to forgive this kind of behaviour.

Early days too, just because this is where it's at now doesn't mean has won, only the start. If it was anything like mine, against Legal Aid, it was absolute nonsense. Not even child focused just petty jibes, sob story and excuses, all contradictory to their own position.

That's very harsh. I'm not sure any parent deserves to die alone. A resolution where both parents have access to children and they are healthy and thriving is optimal

I agree with PP.

This is playing a long game.

It’s basically the relationship with your DC for the rest of your lives that you are ‘investing’ in by calmly jumping through the hoops with dignity.

These weeks and months will quickly fade from their minds once this is resolved and contact re-established.

Your DC will know and already be judging against their own experiences who is at fault here - you won’t need to say.

What are the next steps and timelines - for the SW to issue a report to support supervised contact over the coming weeks?

And a county court hearing to agree unsupervised contact?

May sound harsh but unfortunately some parents are down right evil and there is no chance of resolution. That is the intention laid out in my case, for that to me my fate, after years of abuse towards me, and now simultaneously endangering our childrens lives.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone, not even my wife but she is determined to do that to me, which has a high chance of backfiring on herself.

It might sound harsh, but it's also what tends to happen. Once someone makes a false allegation, they tend to be at the start of a journey that ends with them losing their children. Especially where children were already old enough to know the allegations were false, things tend to end very badly for the false accuser.

Definitely. The bottom line is that I want to see my kids and it's reciprocated according to the SW's interviews with them :-)

You're right about it being early days. i guess at the start, I just didn't realise how long a process this was going to be. And it seems longer (I assume) from my side by being the one on my own without my family (the kids) around me.

I am very grateful for the support I've found on here and grateful too that many of the "non-supportive"s have faded away.

Regarding the doubtless sound advice to watch what is said etc during contact, I understand that's the wisest course of action. I'm just trying to understand what happens if a child asks a parent a straight question about what is going on in such a supervised context. If you didn't answer or changed the subject, couldn't a child assume you didn't really listen or care? I wonder has that been anyone's experience?

I take heart from you saying that this period will fade from their minds. Thank you. It's just all so raw at the minute.

In NI, it seems the County Court is the next step up. There will now be a more in-depth SW fact-finding which will be more court-focused. If there are no concerns, contact should follow that (but who knows how long that will be?).

The original SW has now passed the case over to the next SW team, so I don't know who will approve the ordered contact as the original SW won't want to touch it and I assume the incoming one will not want to recommend/organise/facilitate any contact until they've done their own fact-finding.

All in all, the amount of taxpayer's money to date on Social Workers, Legal Aid and Court Fees could probably have fixed every pothole in a fifty mile radius... and now it begins again at another court level. This seems like a big payday generating machine in many ways?

I think my children are more than mature enough to see what's false but, short of serious harm, I would never cut STBXW out of their lives completely. She's acting out-of-character but wasn't always like this and may not always be. I guess you have to take it as it unfolds.

Thanks for the advice. i really appreciate all of you sharing your experience so others (not just me) can avoid some painful if well-intentioned mistakes.

Very struck by the kindness of strangers. Isn't it very human how people come together in bad times even more powerfully than in good? You never know how your kind words can uplift people or give them encouragement when they need it most. I'd probably be quite lost without some of the encouragement and private messages on here. ❤

@Gloriously As I understand it, and I'm learning as I go along, the County Court is more quick to make directions but the SW lead-up is a little longer (a more thorough report) so it will probably work out better in the long-run. Just have to thole the wait productively.

I would perhaps try to change the subject in a way that they get that you can't or shouldn't discuss it, or for them not to worry about that now, let's do this or talk about this instead.

Hopefully the in depth SS report will be better for you, we've got one underway but it's more of a serious one and not the one that's usually ordered, not sure where that will lead.

I think I'm more or less in the same boat as your last two paragraphs there. I hope that the investigations underway in your own case reveal the truth. There do seem to be enough positive stories on here to give some cause for optimism even if it all moves at a painful pace.

If your children ask any questions regarding matters during supervised contact, I would simply say that between you and their mother, you both love them and want what's best for them. You can explain in a child friendly way that it goes to a court to decide, and a person called a Judge makes a decision based on a number of things. I would also say to them, irrespective of what is going on, you love them and have missed them and can't wait to hear about things that have been happening in their lives. Make it all about them.

I see nothing wrong with telling them what court is and how contact is decided. Its factual, and they're not babies.

What I will say, however, is, under no circumstances, pull them into how you've been feeling. Don't say things such as "Daddy has been so broken to not be with you" or words to that effect. They don't need that onus putting on them. It's not their job to counsel you.

Also. I would avoid crying in front of them as its often seen as manipulative.. especially if she's making allegations of abuse against you. Don't give her further fuel for her fake fire as it were.

One final thing as a seasoned expert on what supervised contact entails on both sides.. don't talk negatively about their mother, at all.
You don't have to spout reams of made up positive BS but don't denigrate her to them. Your wife has done the single most painful thing to you by separating you from the children, but you don't let them know that. Don't be afraid to also ask them how mum is doing too, they might let on about some things to you.

All in all, keep your contact sessions light and fun, show and reciprocate affection and show them you care about them and their lives. Don't bombard them with all the emotional stuff, save that for when you're around other adults or indeed your mumsnet threads.

You've got a lot of support on this thread. The family court is a hideous place to be.

*I'll take the above advice regarding contact but, what impression will the kids get when I'm not allowed to answer any legitimate questions they may have about what's going on or to talk about anything but the weather whilst STBXW can spin her story any way she likes every other minute of the week, all week long???

So desperate to get in there and spin you story aren't you. Can't do much trashing the ex when people are watching and listening can you.

You wouldn't be having to have supervised contact if their wasn't cause.

Think that's deeply unfair.
If you see OPs post from today... his wife is making a claim that contact should be supervised. The court haven't ordered it. Posters are advising OP to just take what she's offering to see his kids.. he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he refuses supervised contact then his motivations will be questioned. If he acceded to his wife's demands regarding supervised contact then he's putting himself in the firing line for further evidence to support her claims of abuse.

Op. I don't know how it works where you are, but where I'm from you can get certain wording put into your court order.

Such as "The father by no admission accepts the order for supervised interim contact pending a fact finding and section 7" it means you're accepting to see your children but not accepting her claims.