Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

363 replies

JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 03:59

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 24/10/2023 22:48

Courts order supervised contact because they have to learn more first, it's all allegations at this stage. They can't do something more if the parties don't agree, only what both parties agree to.

In this case it was supervised that was offered by the other party, so he had to accept and the courts ordered it. It's not the court saying he's dangerous or done wrong.

FSTraining · 25/10/2023 00:34

JustDad46 · 24/10/2023 21:31

I think my children are more than mature enough to see what's false but, short of serious harm, I would never cut STBXW out of their lives completely. She's acting out-of-character but wasn't always like this and may not always be. I guess you have to take it as it unfolds.

Show quote history

It will be outside of your control. You can tell your children not to do it, but normally in the end children decide to cut the false accuser out of their lives.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 25/10/2023 08:32

Whattodo112222 · 24/10/2023 22:16

If your children ask any questions regarding matters during supervised contact, I would simply say that between you and their mother, you both love them and want what's best for them. You can explain in a child friendly way that it goes to a court to decide, and a person called a Judge makes a decision based on a number of things. I would also say to them, irrespective of what is going on, you love them and have missed them and can't wait to hear about things that have been happening in their lives. Make it all about them.

I see nothing wrong with telling them what court is and how contact is decided. Its factual, and they're not babies.

What I will say, however, is, under no circumstances, pull them into how you've been feeling. Don't say things such as "Daddy has been so broken to not be with you" or words to that effect. They don't need that onus putting on them. It's not their job to counsel you.

Also. I would avoid crying in front of them as its often seen as manipulative.. especially if she's making allegations of abuse against you. Don't give her further fuel for her fake fire as it were.

One final thing as a seasoned expert on what supervised contact entails on both sides.. don't talk negatively about their mother, at all.
You don't have to spout reams of made up positive BS but don't denigrate her to them. Your wife has done the single most painful thing to you by separating you from the children, but you don't let them know that. Don't be afraid to also ask them how mum is doing too, they might let on about some things to you.

All in all, keep your contact sessions light and fun, show and reciprocate affection and show them you care about them and their lives. Don't bombard them with all the emotional stuff, save that for when you're around other adults or indeed your mumsnet threads.

You've got a lot of support on this thread. The family court is a hideous place to be.

Thank you for that. It's VERY helpful and I will try to stick to the letter of it. I appreciate you sharing your experience because it seems that SW's se human emotion in very different ways from the rest of the planet at times. Makes you wonder how they relate to their own kids. At the end of the day, I believe in the ability of my kids to judge for themselves.

And your last paragraph says it all. What a hideous thing to go through but what a comfort to have others to support you from experience ❤

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 25/10/2023 08:36

RantyAnty · 24/10/2023 22:34

*I'll take the above advice regarding contact but, what impression will the kids get when I'm not allowed to answer any legitimate questions they may have about what's going on or to talk about anything but the weather whilst STBXW can spin her story any way she likes every other minute of the week, all week long???

So desperate to get in there and spin you story aren't you. Can't do much trashing the ex when people are watching and listening can you.

You wouldn't be having to have supervised contact if their wasn't cause.

What a well named online presence. I've not mentioned or implied wanting to get stuck into Mum anywhere... I'm just pointing out the basic lack of fairness and balance... the person who took the kids away and acted rashly is presumed to be not discussing anything or influencing the kids in her new secret domestic arrangements?

That seems a tad unrealistic. I'm not going to waste any energy on responding to you. You've clearly had a bad experience somewhere. Whoever hurt you, it wasn't me so please don't presume I am the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 25/10/2023 08:39

Whattodo112222 · 24/10/2023 22:42

Think that's deeply unfair.
If you see OPs post from today... his wife is making a claim that contact should be supervised. The court haven't ordered it. Posters are advising OP to just take what she's offering to see his kids.. he is stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he refuses supervised contact then his motivations will be questioned. If he acceded to his wife's demands regarding supervised contact then he's putting himself in the firing line for further evidence to support her claims of abuse.

Op. I don't know how it works where you are, but where I'm from you can get certain wording put into your court order.

Such as "The father by no admission accepts the order for supervised interim contact pending a fact finding and section 7" it means you're accepting to see your children but not accepting her claims.

Show quote history

Thanks for the advice and pointing out the unenviable position. The order that stands at present doesn't specify supervision. It's to be by mutual agreement but it's just that the other side aren't agreeing to anything.

I'll bear in mind the wording of any future court order because the open-ended nature of this one has left it so that the other side can just keep blocking contact by not agreeing. I hope that'll be sen for what it is eventually.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 25/10/2023 08:41

Catsafterme · 24/10/2023 22:48

Courts order supervised contact because they have to learn more first, it's all allegations at this stage. They can't do something more if the parties don't agree, only what both parties agree to.

In this case it was supervised that was offered by the other party, so he had to accept and the courts ordered it. It's not the court saying he's dangerous or done wrong.

Thanks. And both my wife and I know the truth ultimately that I am not and never have been a danger to anyone, physically or emotionally. I'm the one in bits.

OP posts:
TheRealProfessorYaffle · 25/10/2023 09:29

I've never seen a court order supervised access solely on the basis that one parent feels they'd like it.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 25/10/2023 09:50

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 25/10/2023 09:29

I've never seen a court order supervised access solely on the basis that one parent feels they'd like it.

Sorry. I'm maybe not explaining this clearly. There is an interim court order for contact in my favour but it is subject to SW approval and by agreement between the parties. The other party is being in no way agreeable.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 25/10/2023 09:54

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 25/10/2023 09:29

I've never seen a court order supervised access solely on the basis that one parent feels they'd like it.

It depends on the court bench, if it's magistrates and there's no judge they don't have the power to order anything themselves and can only go on what is agreed. Like in mine first hearing should have been before a judge but it was magistrates so they could only order what the other party would agree to.

Catsafterme · 25/10/2023 09:55

TheRealProfessorYaffle · 25/10/2023 09:29

I've never seen a court order supervised access solely on the basis that one parent feels they'd like it.

It depends on the court bench, if it's magistrates and there's no judge they don't have the power to order anything themselves and can only go on what is agreed. Like in mine first hearing should have been before a judge but it was magistrates so they could only order what the other party would agree to.

Myfabby · 25/10/2023 10:07

JustDad46 · 25/10/2023 09:50

Sorry. I'm maybe not explaining this clearly. There is an interim court order for contact in my favour but it is subject to SW approval and by agreement between the parties. The other party is being in no way agreeable.

Show quote history

Sorry Ireally don't understand it. As it stands there is a ( interim) court order that says you can see them unsupervised? but the SW has to approve it?
But you already know your wife won't be agreeable to the terms as it stands, what does your lawyer suggest are your options?

  1. if SW endorses it but wife says no
  2. if SW doesn't agree to unsupervised.
Whattodo112222 · 25/10/2023 21:25

Keep chasing the social workers up OP. They need to get contact moving.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 27/10/2023 09:38

Seem to be spending my life waiting on callbacks these days. Is it just me or is every doctor, lawyer, SW etc always "out of the Office" or in a meeting?

"A meeting is a place where the minutes are kept and the hours are lost"... IN this case it seems to be days and weeks that are getting lost.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 27/10/2023 09:45

When is contact due to commence? I really don't understand your court order in all honesty.

Catsafterme · 27/10/2023 09:50

The law moves at a snails pace, it's the same here but I have to remember there's other clients and families they are dealing with too. Even just getting the court order written up and sent out is a delay.

Luddite26 · 27/10/2023 10:07

You are not wrong. And when you are going through it it is so much worse.
It's a mess. Keep going and going. I hope you have some support around you. It's hard to reach out but your friends would want you to.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 27/10/2023 11:01

Whattodo112222 · 27/10/2023 09:45

When is contact due to commence? I really don't understand your court order in all honesty.

The contact order has been in place for several weeks. It's just that STBXW's solicitors are not playing ball. They have very poor Google reviews but one specifically says that all they are experts at is paternal alienation :-(

OP posts:
Gloriously · 31/10/2023 13:06

How are you doing @JustDad46 this week?

What are your next steps?

Original poster
JustDad46 · 31/10/2023 13:31

Gloriously · 31/10/2023 13:06

How are you doing @JustDad46 this week?

What are your next steps?

New SW assigned and it seems that she is more understanding of the need for contact and STBXW's obstructing the process. Feeling a bit more hopeful that I could get to see them soon and certainly in advance of the next court hearing which has yet to be scheduled. That's when I'm hoping it'll all become more evidenced focused and the truth will out 👌 Getting good support here from private messages. Still shocked at the depths other halves go to sling mud so fantastical it should never stick and how crazy things have gotten for some of you so quickly and how long they've persisted that way. What a system.... Clearly seems to be an operational assumption that mum's are usually the ones with kid's best interests at heart rather than even a scant look at the evidence....

OP posts:
Gloriously · 31/10/2023 14:19

That sounds like a bit of progress at least.

Are the kids back at school yet?

How many weeks of school have they missed? Is the 15 year old in GCSE year?

Original poster
JustDad46 · 31/10/2023 17:41

Gloriously · 31/10/2023 14:19

That sounds like a bit of progress at least.

Are the kids back at school yet?

How many weeks of school have they missed? Is the 15 year old in GCSE year?

Both back in school but on their half term break. One missed about a month and the eldest about 5 weeks of a GCSE year. She's bright and it won't affect that much but it shows the level of care from STBXW as regards maintaining/establishing normality.

OP posts:
Myfabby · 31/10/2023 18:27

JustDad46 · 31/10/2023 17:41

Both back in school but on their half term break. One missed about a month and the eldest about 5 weeks of a GCSE year. She's bright and it won't affect that much but it shows the level of care from STBXW as regards maintaining/establishing normality.

Show quote history

Honestly, stop taking every opportunity to bash your wife.

From your side of the story, even you admit she is acting out of character which may be some sort of mental breakdown. She alleges abuse. There is nothing normal about the situation for her and the children.

If she left home quite suddenly, maybe what the kids needed was to stay at home? Maybe she wanted to change schools. I struggle to see that every single action she has taken was solely to punish you.

I have some sympathy for you because you obviously have a right to see your children , but my goodness, you can't help but want to prove to a bunch of internet strangers she is this evil twisted being. 10 pages of lies, you have all the evidence, SW biased against you blah blah

If your paramount concern is the children's welfare, then at least be reassured they are back at school, and as you say they are bright so the damage is minimal.

FSTraining · 31/10/2023 20:01

Myfabby · 31/10/2023 18:27

Honestly, stop taking every opportunity to bash your wife.

From your side of the story, even you admit she is acting out of character which may be some sort of mental breakdown. She alleges abuse. There is nothing normal about the situation for her and the children.

If she left home quite suddenly, maybe what the kids needed was to stay at home? Maybe she wanted to change schools. I struggle to see that every single action she has taken was solely to punish you.

I have some sympathy for you because you obviously have a right to see your children , but my goodness, you can't help but want to prove to a bunch of internet strangers she is this evil twisted being. 10 pages of lies, you have all the evidence, SW biased against you blah blah

If your paramount concern is the children's welfare, then at least be reassured they are back at school, and as you say they are bright so the damage is minimal.

Edited
Show quote history

Good old MumsNet double standards 😂

Original poster
JustDad46 · 31/10/2023 21:15

Myfabby · 31/10/2023 18:27

Honestly, stop taking every opportunity to bash your wife.

From your side of the story, even you admit she is acting out of character which may be some sort of mental breakdown. She alleges abuse. There is nothing normal about the situation for her and the children.

If she left home quite suddenly, maybe what the kids needed was to stay at home? Maybe she wanted to change schools. I struggle to see that every single action she has taken was solely to punish you.

I have some sympathy for you because you obviously have a right to see your children , but my goodness, you can't help but want to prove to a bunch of internet strangers she is this evil twisted being. 10 pages of lies, you have all the evidence, SW biased against you blah blah

If your paramount concern is the children's welfare, then at least be reassured they are back at school, and as you say they are bright so the damage is minimal.

Edited
Show quote history

I struggle to see how you think I've said that every single action was to punish me and the very post you quoted was about the lack of concern for.... wait for it... the kids! Not me.

At no stage did I say she was an evil twisted being. You may recall, if you actually read the posts, that I was even asking if there were any positive stories of reconciliation.

The practical fact for those of us on here for genuine reasons is that we realise that SWs and the legal profession are, to some degree, comparing parenting styles and attributes. Therefore it's in our minds too.

If you re-read my post, maybe you'll see why I stand over it entirely. Especially as an answer to a query from another poster for the info it provided.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 31/10/2023 21:24

Bit unfair to say that. Op has stressed genuine concern many times around his wife and you will see in more than one of his comments he only wishes she's OK.