Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

[JustDad46]

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

She's completed an initial assessment and taken all my wife's claims at face value even when they are self-contradictory but hasn't recorded many of my significant points which I was able to evidence to her. I think it didn't help that she heard STBXW's story first and didn't give the impression of hearing my side with an empty cup.

Changing your name to have a snipe seems a little off to me...

But what I mean is, is she a COURT appointed Social Worker, i.e. from CAFCASS or is she a Local Authority SW presumably because there is Local Authority involvement? that is the bit that is a bit confusing at the moment.
I think SW's have to be objective also. You mentioned earlier she seemed supportive and now its like she has done a complete 360?

Thanks for the encouragement. I've had a few nice private messages, some warning me to expect the worst in people.

I assumed they wouldn't be there but I've had advice from people over here who've been through the family courts telling me to insist the judge hears the kids, hence the confusion. I assumed the Court Officer (CAFCASS equiv.) would talk to the kids in more detail than this social worker has done and ask them relevant questions that seem to have been glossed over by the latter.

I would ask for a wishing's and feelings report from the Family Court Advisor/Court office. I don't know how things work where you are, but I hope they do initiate that with your children.

I will ask my solicitor if there is an equivalent 👌

Not sure if you are confused but I am not the OP.

I read the comment as suggesting the currently allocated Social Worker was hostile from the off, but I may have misunderstood what the OP was saying (there are a few cases where he seems to have been a bit unclear about the point he was making, but that is the nature of online forums).

Not sure why you would think recording an interaction with someone is such an issue. It is always good to have a record of interactions, and your ability to take notes is limited. A professional (particularly social workers who should have experienced of working with those of below average literacy) should have no issue with people using technological aids for record keeping.

If there is a factual claim made in the wife’s filing, the judge has to read the rebuttal evidence. The only alternative is the judge to make it very clear that any evidence of lying they find will be treated harshly, which should then encourage those who have filed false claims to withdraw them rather than face penalties. That is very rate though, hence why lots of time and money is wasted using the legal system as some kind of therapists which is highly inappropriate and expensive.

No I am not confused- I however omitted to tag the OP. I was piggy backing on to you quoting the misandry the OP alleges and your advice to record.

The question remains unanswered as to why a SW who was super cooperative is now hostile @JustDad46

My advice re not recording is that it I find it puts people on edge and creates an atmosphere of distrust, but I've never been in this sort of contentious position.

In my own opinion, it is clear that the SW, a woman, has taken my wife's side before even hearing my input. When i spoke to her initially on the phone she seemed less partial. Afterwards, she carried out the interview with my wife and then when it came to my time to be interviewed, she seemed, in my view, to have already formed an unfair opinion of me.

Has she carried out interviews with your DCs as I understand that it’s their experiences and wishes which are the priority?

Maybe the initial conversation was relatively informal to build rapport whilst the second interaction was a professionally structured and boundaries interview which felt more intense? Your STBXW likely had the same experience.

I'd love to think that's the way it works but in her written report, many of my STBXW claims are included... even those which are self-contradictory whereas very many key areas which I discussed are mentioned at al and others are very much glossed over. These aren't intra-personal issues but concerns about the kids!

The kids were interviewed and they showed affection for both of us with some reluctance to engage and declared a desire to see me etc.

Thanks for clarifying, clarity is so easy to loose in a written forum.

On recording, in some circumstances people will be put on edge by being recorded. However, a social worker should have no issue and should be fine with it. They have to deal with a wide variety of people and will have even more contact with those who have a below average literacy level, so those people should be encouraged to keep records they are able to make use of rather than expecting them to make written logs of event and interact excessively via writing.

If a social worker were to react in a negative way towards someone saying they want to use technology to keep records then I would be immediately concerned. Something that would look very odd in a business meeting and definitely set a tone of distrust should not have the same impact on a professional who often works with vulnerable people.

I used to know someone who often pointed out that the average level of literacy in this country isn’t great, then half of people are below that. Then you have those with some learning difficulty.

It will matter how it is set up. If you say “I am recording this because I don’t trust you” obviously this will create an atmosphere, but if you just say “I need to organise my records for this process and I find it easier to do this via audio records” that should set the scene. A social worker who did react poorly to a request for an accommodation would be breaching the Equality Act so I suspect even if they aren’t fans of it they ought to be making an effort to overcome that and certainly not show it.

Not sure if there are typos, but are you saying she ignored points you made?

I would just suggest simply having each claim made by the ex and the refutation in detail but then with a summary on top such as:
Claim 1 – [one line summary], self contradictory, refuted by evidence (see page x), discussed with social worker and excluded.
Claim 2 – [one line summary], refuted by evidence (see page y), discussed with social worker but minimal detail in report.
Claim 3 – [one line summary], Story has changed z times, refuted by evidence (see page w), discussed with social worker but minimal detail in report.
Etc.

It will make the process of reviewing far faster, it will also provide a framework for the judge to get her solicitor to respond. If self-contradictory claims can be rapidly disposed of it speeds up matters, then evidence can be considered. It also prevents the creation of a “grand narrative” where there is actually no credible specifics but it builds a “feeling” of one party being hard done by. Anything that can speed the resolution of claims will help you get to the focus, your children.

How are you OP?

Tired. Emotional. Missing the kids and the woman I originally married. I don't know if she's gone forever.... Really today I'm just wrecked emotionally and physically. 38 Days today since I've seen them. New attacks keep happening like benefits letters etc being generated by whatever she's doing at her end because we had Tax Credits etc as a couple...

Really appreciate you checking in. Family court tomorrow. Not looking forward to that either. I'm not a confrontational person and who wants to listen to a pack of lies especially when it's coming from someone you had a reasonably long relationship with?

Is it your first hearing tomorrow? Do you have a Barrister?

I'm not confrontational either, I understand how you feel but as harsh as it is you need to see this for what it is. If you don't and put too much faith in her humanity and care for you, all will be lost.

You need to stay strong and see you are being scapegoated, fight it. You don't need to be confrontational but you may have to return fire, for yourself and for your children.

If it's of any help, mine went okay ish, I think. Lies, lots more lies and worrying things brought up regarding the children. However, everything my barrister asked for has been ordered, things are moving and an investigation is under way, she is under scrutiny.

Find that fire inside you OP. Your wife obviously wants this to be fight. There's no time for compassion and niceties in the family court.
You need to fight for those kids if everything you've posted is true. They need their father.

Good luck tomorrow. Keep going.

Thanks to all for your support. I will update later. Right now, I'm a bundle of nerves running on little sleep and not looking forward to a court debut. @Whattodo112222, I do have a barrister but have only met on Zoom until now. Will meet him for the first time today. Nervous about that too.

Keep me in your thoughts please. Thinking that there are some well-meaning folks on her will be something I hope I can take a bit of succour from today. Guts in pieces 🙁

Good luck OP. I absolutely insist you ask your barrister to insist for interim contact given there are no risks towards you. A fact finding hearing and following that a cafcass section 7.
Please let us know how you get on after. Thinking of you.

Good luck, hope some movement comes.

As PP said ask barrister to insist on some form of interim contact and whatever they offer take, even if it's not what you had hoped, stay calm. If you are in front of magistrates they don't have as much power on contact and an agreement needs to be made by both parties. I didn't get what I had hoped for but I got some, which was still a win and a step in the right direction.

Best of luck.

Yes, I agree with this. Even if its supervised, take it... but make it abundantly clear you're only agreeing to supervised to see your children and you refute all her claims..my ex kicked up a huge fuss regarding supervised contact and the judge couldn't understand why he wasn't taking the opportunity to see his child with both hands.