Can you tell me the best / worst things about separating from your partner?

[Winniethepig]

Just this....

Considering leaving my partner because I do almost everything. Drop offs pick ups, dinner, shopping, listening to constant complaints about how the house is a midden. Even though it isn't, we have a cleaner once a fortnight. I fo all the washing and the get complaints when the folding isn't done instantly. Complaints about how the kids rooms are a mess even though they were playing in there 5 mins ago. Never does bath time. I do PJs, both bedtimes, and I have a full time job, take care of the kids when sick. Need to get my parents down when DH has to have them by himself.... I am so run down.

What steps do I take? This is going to get ugly.

This thread is amazing.
So many of us feel the same.
Love the "knowing that my future is mine" above ;)

Still early days into final order after nearly 2 years of hell trying to get out, so still struggling with adjusting with comms around kids as he is a controlling abusive f**k, but:

Best bits:
Not having to give in to sex to avoid his sulking and tantrums (but getting plenty of awesome with new partner - each in their own houses with their own independent lives, thank you very much!)
No more snoring
Not watching him sitting on his underwear on sofa for 10h on his phone
Not feeling tense when he walked in and having to have his clothes, his food ready or else
No more walking on eggshels (at least when he's out of sight)
Still doing everything like before but without frustrating expectations he'd actually help
Freedom to decide how to spend my money
Peace at home with kids
Freedom to be myself, do things I stopped because didn't interest him
Dating again and having the opportunity to get things right
How much I learned and grown - I'm much more aware of who I am, what I like...
Being able to break a pattern of generational abuse and setting a much better example for kids

Worst bits (but hugely outweighed by the pros!!)
The actual divorce process - at times it felt like it was too much to bear and I almost gave up (did all diy to avoid legal costs)
Fact that he still exists in my life and is now bitter and tries to make things hard through kids
Still feel afraid to bring new relationship in the open as not sure his reaction
Worrying if kids are happy when with him so can't relax much when on my own (though quite enjoy having house for myself at times)
Still helping him financially to try "buy" peace (temporarily as too recent)
Having to still share a schedule/have contact with him due to kids
Knowing this will go on for another few years before kids are 18 - sometimes I feel I ran out of gas but then remember all my wins and find some extra stamina to carry on and be positive!

Best bit

I don't have to look at his face anymore.
I don't have to speak to him anymore.
I don't have to be near him anymore.

Worst bits

None.

Best bits:

• I don't have to look after a man child anymore
• i'm so happy in my own space in my own home where I don't have to look at his face
• there's no expectations on him anymore and that means not living with constant disappointment

Worst bit:

• not having companion to share my life with (but im dating so that's fun and may change this bit!)

How do you all deal with the potential loss of joint friends, and going out as part of a couple?

Having every other weekend to yourself without anyone but yourself to please.

Being the undisputed boss.

Being the leader of all adventures.

Raising feminists.

Far fewer compromises.

Loosing the dead weight.

I can't speak for everyone but in my case, as the marriage was starting to break down, we wouldn't socialise together, so there was a good 1-2 years of socialising separately with our own friendship groups before the break.

We do of course still have some close joint couple friends with DC at same school as ours, but we just socialise with them separately/on different occasions. I've not yet come across as any of our friends "choosing sides" but that's because ExH and I didn't air our dirty laundry to everyone, we put on an amicable united front saying we were sad to be splitting but had respect for each other and it was no one's fault (although behind closed doors we hated each other and blamed the other for everything 🙃)

6 years divorced after 23 years together. Plus about five horrendous years leading up to the split.

The pure peace is wonderful.
No more tiptoeing around his moods.
Having control of my finances, yes it's less money, but I know where every penny is and can manage now there aren't any nasty surprises.

Worst:
Our (young adult) children feel like they have to keep us completely separate which is sad, I can be civil around him. (His parents threatened to have me arrested!)
The divorce process, the paperwork, and especially when he said he was going to move back in as he had run out of money. Thankfully he quickly met a widow with her own house so moved in with her & her kids.

Every morning I go to the lovely clean loo, so glad each day no longer starts by looking at his skidmarks that he was too important & busy to clean.

Best of luck to OP and others in a similar situation.

No children but...

Not having to put up with a grumpy man who had started to dress for comfort - brown Birkenstocks 😱
No skid marks in the toilet or piles of clothes and crap around
Everything at home is how I want it
No in-laws and their drama
Loads of single and divorced ladies who want to make friends, travel etc - no lack of socialising!

Having a cracker of a day today:

Did both kid's breakfasts, bags packed, dropped at nursery, came home and worked, then went and shopped for the weekend. Made dinner for the family, did bath and bed time and DH came in to "finish" DD's bedtime comment I got was how depressed he is over how she is (she 3... so you can imagine). He's not the type "get help" so I don't know how to help other than take on all the kid stuff. Leaving isn't an option for a few months due to family holidays with in laws and in laws visiting. Plus I need time get my finances straight.

I don't want to split if I don't have to, I want him to do his share, be ok with it (he doesn't have to be happy, just not miserable" or get help, is there such a thing as "fatherhood classes"?

You don't have to be there for the in laws to visit!

@Winniethepig he wont change or acknowledge there's anything for him to learn or improve. There's no hope of that. Really. I tried talking, have people he trusts talk to him, he even did some therapy but they are masters of manipulation and will trick the best psychologist to think they are fine and normal. They know when they've done something crazy and wont just tell the therapist or anyone else, and will deny, gaslight, lie to prove they are right. He'll never apologise and sadly even when you are separated he will still try to make things difficult but at least you'll have some pockets of time when you are free.
I guess with younger kids its harder, mine are older so can communicate directly with ex, but he is still abusing me and making coparenting hell to keep control over my life.
The more you read and learn and talk to people the more you'll convince yourself you must leave.

Best bit- doing my own thing
Worst bit- flat pack furniture. It used to drive me to tears although I'm a dab hand now!

My worst is different from most, as my worst is NOT getting a break, ex won’t have the kids overnight and never has done. I would love to have regular nights to myself that would be my “best” bits.

@Boredatwork we didn't really socialise as a couple and didn't have joint friends so that didn't matter.

Best:
freedom from stress and anger on the daily

Being sole decision maker

New Boyfriend I really love, who "gets" me

Worst:
miss the kids when they're with him

Intermittent stress and anger over ex's parenting choices and behaviour

Can't afford shit like nice holidays, constant money-watching despite decent salary and getting maintenance/child benefit because I run the house alone

For me…

worst bits - that my DD is from a broken home & I didn’t want that for her. Comparing this to staying though confirms a broken home is far better for her. He wasn’t violent or terrible. She fell with me one day & jumped up & said sorry🥲 he used to shout at her when she fell. Also lots of other unreasonable behaviour.

Best bits - the calmness, not being bossed about or have decisions made for me. Being able to steer my own life. My DD & I being relaxed & happy. Not having someone trying to be top dog all the time. Not being shouted at, not having someone moan constantly about nothing. Not having to deal with an annoying & argumentative drunk. Being able to do what we want when we want. & finally,

I feel SO much better & happier.

Best bits for me - Having freedom for sure. That's the main one. I love being able to walk around where I live freely without walking on eggshells or getting anxious or getting ready for the next argument where I've done something wrong.
Worst bits - I'm getting over this one but not having a person by my side. I don't need anyone but myself but it did take time to get to the stage I am at with myself. I'm starting to like and be happy with my own company again. Also I had to learn a lot of house stuff myself. But this is all temporary feelings.

You should follow your gut and leave. This might help you in the process of getting ready to leave - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/ this checklist helped me sort out what I needed to. But please do leave, you shouldn't be living this way.

Best bit- knowing I'm worth so much more. Having a tidy, clean home. Not fearing the arguments and resulting abuse because I asked him to tidy up his mess. Having the rug I like, or the lamps I want. Not having the TV on constantly.

Worst - none even the drop in money is worth not fearing an argument because I asked him to clean up the pee off the bathroom floor or I came home early and found him watching porn surrounded by mess and used tissues (it was my fault for coming home early apparently).

Best bits. No treading on eggshells, dreading seeing his car in the driveway, having to defend the kids.

Worst bits. Had to pay him a huge amount of money to fuck off and it took a long time, so my mortgage is massive. Also, still have to deal with him for the kids (and his abuse)

Best bits: as pp said, being in charge of decision making without having to accommodate an argumentative arsehole.
Freedom to do what you want to a certain degree.
A clean, tidy home. Its horrible when you live with a partner and they don't care for keeping the home clean.
Not having someone misplace your stuff all the time so you can't find it (not even my kids do this).
Watching what you like. Eating what you like.
Going to bed knowing you're not gonna be pawed at for sex and then getting a bollocking for not wanting it.
Being able to save money without being worried about someone elses gambling habit.

Worst bits. The relentless of single parenting and running a home. Everything falls to you and you alone.
Lack of adult conversation and company.
Feeling burnt out.
The constant worry about finances.
Taking time of the work when the kids are sick which is a lot.
Worrying the kids have a shitty male role model in their dad.

Worst bits - having to share the kids with him. This gets even worse the older they get, as the time they spend with parents gets less now they're at university and I have to share what little time there is.

Losing my in-laws, who i liked.

Spending too much time on my own. I tried dating but it didn't work out for me and I have friends, but they have busy lives. I work full time and I honestly prefer to be at work than at home sometimes.

Being on my own when I'm sick. I have a real fear of what would happen if I got seriously ill. I collapsed at work once and people were asking who to call for me and I had to say there was no one.

Being on my own when the children were sick. No-one to pop out to the pharmacy etc.

Being the only driver, especially on longer journeys.

Best bits - can't think of any.

Worst bit - having to leave a three bedroom house with garden and live in a one bedroom flat.

Best bits - everything else. All of the above that everyone else has said and a lot more.

Hi..

If it's what you want and need try and find a way. I left after 29 years married, 34 years together.

Good luck with the decision you make.

@Jas683 I am going through a divorce - 3 years ongoing been together for 27 years - he was verbally abusive so why do I regret starting this process? I never anticipated it would take so long but he has put up so many barriers to lead to a settlement - I sometimes wish I had just "put up".

@Almostwelsh it's sad you can't find any positives, I hope you in time you manage to. Did you leave/initiate the split?