Can you tell me the best / worst things about separating from your partner?

[Winniethepig]

Just this....

Considering leaving my partner because I do almost everything. Drop offs pick ups, dinner, shopping, listening to constant complaints about how the house is a midden. Even though it isn't, we have a cleaner once a fortnight. I fo all the washing and the get complaints when the folding isn't done instantly. Complaints about how the kids rooms are a mess even though they were playing in there 5 mins ago. Never does bath time. I do PJs, both bedtimes, and I have a full time job, take care of the kids when sick. Need to get my parents down when DH has to have them by himself.... I am so run down.

What steps do I take? This is going to get ugly.

Worst bits
Missing your children when they’re with their other parent. It does get easier though and you have to remind yourself that the child is benefiting from a good relationship with both.
Overwhelm of realising that it’s just you, you need to keep a roof over your head etc, there’s no other person to fall back on if you get ill or lose your job.

Best bits
Honestly absolutely everything else - freedom to do everything and anything and nothing exactly as you want. It’s the feeling of freedom & relief for me. The excitement of carving out a life that is exactly to your design & no longer moulding yourself to someone else’s moods 24/7. If you’re pulling all of the weight at home as I was you will feel immediately better from that alone.

I'd echo what's been said, worst bits - when the children are with their dad every other weekend. That said they are off tonight and after three weeks solo parenting whilst working from home I'm looking forward to a little down time! It also suddenly dawns on you .. your on your own! Buck stops here and your running the show. But always remember you were (as was I) running the show anyway! Big girl pants on.

Best bits: I never realised it could be so bloody peaceful.!! I can watch what I want when I want. The house is so clean, in comparison to what it was. The nightly wine drinking to block it all out is gone. I actually go to bed happy and content, knowing no fat bald snoring fecker is going to pester me for sex (I don't want)! It's the best feeling ever.

When your done your done, if your at that point change it up, honestly it's the best decision I ever made. Good luck x

Best bits
Not being disrespected & taken advantage of
Not sitting at the dinner table waiting for him to join us - only for him to fail to return home. Sometimes he wouldn't come home at all
Not dealing with drunken/drug fuelled stupidity
I've found myself again - hadn't realised how much of my true self I suppressed in the 20 yrs with ex - due to his behaviour
Freedom & peace - I have no regrets. Wouldn't ever wish to be back with that man.
I'm young enough (42) hopefully to meet someone else

Worst bits
My kids being from a broken family as I never wanted that for them - they deserved better from their dad. However - on the flip side, I hope I'm a role model to my kids. Dad had an affair, deal breaker for mum. Mum ended the marriage & managed to divorce dad whilst remaining amicable.
Missing having a partnership - even though in reality I never had this! I did 99% of everything! So I'm only doing 1% more now! Haha

Best bits - don't have to ask permission to do things/ go out/ buy things bedroom clean all the time. Less washing to do, house is cleaner I did all the cooking washing cleaning anyway so nothing has changed except there's 1 less adult to clean up after. Not having to worry about being asked for sex I don't want..

Negatives- i have to take the rubbish out myself lol (the only job he did) going out alone with the kids like for a meal or day out just feels weird but I'm sure ill get used to it. It feels nice to have an extra adult there (doesn't necessarily need to be a partner) and majority of my friendship circles were in his or his family members/ in laws. So that's disappeared so do feel quite alone.

Best bits. It feels like your workload actually goes down, because you have one less adult and the seething resentment of them being there and not pulling their weight goes away. You don't have some moany fucker bringing you down. no demands for sex. No putting up with shit sport on the TV,
Being in charge of your own decisions and not having to compromise because moany fucker doesn't agree.

Worst bits. mine didn't take the kids for access so I never really got a weekend break, that was hard, but still easier than being with him
When you're sick and there's no one else to take over, you still have to crack on with everything despite feeling awful. He didn't actually step up when I was ill, but I used to worry about what would happen if i got too sick to get out of bed.

I’ve not managed to divorce yet, still living in the same house but separated.
but reading this is like a lightbulb moment. Most people saying one of the best bits is not having the sex demands. This is one of the main reasons for me wanting to divorce. I honestly didn’t realise that this was a problem in so many ended relationships. I have been so ashamed about it that I have never spoken to anybody about it.
I am really looking forward to being in a home of my own where I can watch whatever I want on tv without judgement and I can go to bed feeling tired without expecting to be woken up by somebody pestering me for sex and getting sulky or shouty if I don’t go along with it.

Bit of a different angle as i’m a child of a horrible divorce. My parents definitely didn’t miss each other, but everything became very bitter and I was constantly put in the middle of everything, used as a weapon against the other. Please try and avoid that.

I would also recommend starting a log of what tasks you have to do each day, and maybe actively ask him to help with things, and record when he refuses. Might help your divorce case. Also keep screenshots of messages etc.

I can't really think of any negatives. I suppose I can't just yell down the stairs "please can you get the dinner out of the oven". But I can to one or the children as they are old enough.

I did everything on my own anyway, all the childcare, organising, running to football/friends etc. so it's no different. We are all so much happier and so is he on his own.

Please keep these coming, they're helping me gather the strength to make my plans to leave

Lots of really good ones here.

Best bits:
Having a peaceful home with no raised voices, name calling, sulking or stonewalling
Not having my heart in my mouth when the car pulls into the driveway
Having friends over whenever I like without having to listen to him rant afterwards how he doesn’t like that person and can I not ever invite them over again whilst he’s there
Deciding for myself to build a little nature pond in my garden
Not having anyone undo my training of our dogs

Worst bits
Having to do house maintenance stuff myself

I regret staying as long as I did. I wasn’t strong enough to leave earlier, he threatened me with all sorts like taking the kids away from me, leaving me penniless, he wouldn’t leave the home and I’d have to leave if I wanted to split, (despite me only working part time around the kids so that nothing interfered with his work, etc.) and I believed him. I didn’t have the money or support to get out earlier because I have no family and I sacrificed my career opportunities so he could advance in his. Don’t be me. Take control of your situation.

Best: the freedom, the peace and absence of drama.

Worst: hmm, not many! There is a period of adjustment when you can feel wobbly/worry that you've done the right thing. This is transitory, and you'll feel ever so much better once you're through. I had 100% residency so no missing my son (but no break either, and after 2020 no child support)

Can I ask what did happen?

Did he stay in the house? How did you leave?

It may get ugly initially but eventually even the most spiteful partner gives up and gets on with their life. It's a bit of a rite of passage of divorce.
Just try and keep your cool, grey rock, stop doing his washing, cooking, folding and ironing and ignore him as much as possible.
Your freedom day will come.
Think how much easier your life will be without him. Absolute heaven without the lazy whining shit.

Worst bit lack of money
Best bit everything else.

He confessed an 4-year affair 2 days after our youngest’s last a-level exam, so basically I was discarded as soon as I was no longer required for childcare.

I wasted a lot of years trying to be everything he wanted and it was never enough.

Best bits:
freedom
being able to breathe
not having to have sex with him anymore
watching what I want on telly
not having the joy being sucked out of day out
being able to socialise more
having more time to myself (I did everything anyway)

worst bits:
dealing with his ongoing reaction
dealing with the divorce admin when he’s very tricky
(but that does have an end in sight)
worrying more about money
crapper/no holidays
worrying about the kids
navigating them not wanting to see him but trying to maintain/improve their relationship with him
worrying about being alone in all age (but then… I think I’d rather that than be with him)
loss of some joint friendships, feeling judged by church ‘friends’

Oh yes forgot another best bit of not having the sinking feeling of hearing his key in the lock

I have thought of some more.. no wet towels on the floor.

No lies - gaslighting or second guessing (this was a massive problem for me).

The list of DIY jobs that never get f'ing done and chip away at you.. I've got my own tool box, drill and jigsaw! Bloody empowering doing it yourself.!

Watching box sets of fabulous girlie stuff instead of sport or cooking programmes!!

Starfish sleeping in bed naked knowing no one's going to try groping you for a below average f*ck you don't want.

Did I mention the snoring.. the passing out after stuffing their face with the dinner you cooked which wasn't quite as good as it should be (I could guarantee some sort of comment every time).. after sinking a bottle of wine in an hour to de-stress ffs 🤦‍♀️

The entitled selfishness.. practically zero fucks given. Remove that selfish person and it no longer grates on you. Quite enlightening!

Yeah I was scared.. in fact I stayed so long because of that very reason! But now a year on, I'm so proud of myself making that move. Whatever has led you here will keep pulling you in, stay strong and stay focused on the end goal.

Did you leave? I just don't see how the logistics work of moving out/selling the house.

Yes I did.. I wanted him to leave, he wouldn't. He'd had several affairs and I discovered a whole double life! Worked oversea bla bla bla.. he wanted me to forget it all and play happily ever after. I couldn't (who the heck could)! I drank wine (lots) to block it all out.. it didn't work, my
Mental state declined and in the end I packed our clothes and left. There was an awful lot of control, he never thought I'd actually go but here I am a year on in a new home. I'm yet to start divorce proceedings and that's going to be horrendous as he'll penny pinch his way out but I don't actually care anymore 😆 honestly it's so freeing!

I needed to read this. 30 years and too scared to make that leap to what I know would be the best decision I could ever make

Best bits: Not having someone standing in the doorway of whatever room I was in glaring balefully at me. Not having to accommodate his hoarding. Not getting broom-handled in the back when I was trying to get to sleep. Not feeling as if I ought to defend him to other people. Knowing that my future was mine.

Worst bits: Emotional vultures pretending to be supportive in order to get gossip material. Relatives stirring up more conflict than was necessary for their own amusement.

I was still pregnant when we split so mine went overnight to his dad from a year oldish. Heartbreaking the first few times but now I absolutely know I'm a better parent for having the regular break. I'm honestly better rested and less stressed than most of my married/cohabiting friends with children. It's quite depressing how low the bar is for fathers/husbands if I get more support from my DC dad (EOW) than they do!

Worst bits- missing the kids and potentially missing milestones but if you get the pattern right and co parent well you don't have to be away from them for too long. The worry about another women replacing me in the future and them getting mistaken as the kids mum!

Best bits- having complete control over my own life/ finances/ food shopping etc. Having a tidy home and not constantly closing cupboards and putting shoes away. Having proper me time when I get to feel like myself and not just mum. Best of all not having to consider another persons feelings and walking on eggshells.

Best bits- not having to live with him, freedom, contact minimal, a happy settled household, my son (not his) is much happier and I love 50/50 parenting.

Worst bit- reduced finances, hassle of divorce, being tied to him for years because of youngest DC, reduced quality of living, some upset for youngest DC but she seems very happy and settled generally.