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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband is on Only Fans

74 replies

Mumoftwinsand2cats · 17/05/2023 11:35

Hello,
This is my first post here, could really do with some friendly advice.
so, basically my husband of 10 years has been going on adult chat rooms such as only fans as well as porn sites etc. The first time I found out was before we were married (hello, major red flag!) but he swore he wouldn’t do it again and I believed him. Anyway cut long story short he has continued to do this. I’ve found sites on his phone and in the junk mail of our family laptop (he’s not the brightest)at least twice in the past couple of years. I see this as cheating, and I know it’s disrespectful, how can I trust him- I can’t!
He’s made me feel so unattractive and unloved as he’s also distant with me. Barely touches me and when he does I feel like he’s thinking about one of the young flawless girls he looks at. I feel completely disgusted by his behaviour. I know I deserve better. I haven’t approached him yet about this latest discovery, my head says enough is enough I want him gone. The biggest problem I have is if I do leave him it will devastate my children. We have such a lovely family home which will of course have to sell and I can’t see how I can afford to support myself. I’m lost what to do. Yes I can talk about this with him but it’s happened too many times now and it’s really affecting me mentally.
Anyone been in similar situation, what did you do?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/05/2023 17:09

OP, I wouldn't tolerate it. If he knows it upsets you yet he still does it. What do these women on the only site have that you don't have anyway?

caringcarer · 17/05/2023 17:13

No excuse to put porn on a family computer. He could have kept it to himself by using his personal phone but no, he puts it on the family computer to OP and any children to find. Not very nice is he?

Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2023 17:54

Women are totally entitled to have stuff they don't want in their marriage/relationships - doesn't matter if it's only fans, webcams, sexting, regular porn, gambling, drugs, workaholics, alcoholics - whatever.

If you aren't ok with it, you can discuss and say why, if they then carry on with it - then they run the risk of their partner ending things.

The idea of 'anything goes' that some posters seem to have is fine- if that's how you feel, but it isn't how many others feel. Many women are simply not ok with porn , only fans etc going on under their noses- especially when it's all secretive and are totally entitled to vote with their feet if their views are known and not respected . Some women may be insecure yes, but others simply find it a total turn off and sleazy in a partner - especially many older women.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2023 17:55

Should say of course 'totally entitled NOT to have'

QueefQueen80s · 17/05/2023 18:26

Babykingincoming · 17/05/2023 15:24

Just for reference, only fans is "work" for the creators. They pay income tax on the earnings. It's not like Facebook, users of only fans aren't building relationships with creators. The content creators provide explicit content in exchange for money and curated updates. Many don't use their real names. There's no option to build a personal relationship with the creators, everything is behind a paywall.

Many women also use only fans as "fans" and creators on the platform come in various genders / mixed ages / some create as couples.

It's very reductive to assume it's sleezy. It's a job.

Of course it's sleazy.

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 19:57

@Babykingincoming I don't think it's their tax status that's worrying OP.

The pull of OnlyFans is the illusion of the punter's personal relationship with the "creator", which is reinforced by the explicit content in exchange for money and curated updates.

If a man is paying for curated content behind a paywall it's because it offers something more than the free porn available, and the illusion of a personal relationship. The "creator" might not think there's a relationship there, it may just be a job, but for the punter that's not the case. That's the point. Otherwise why pay?

So then you've got women taking their clothes off and showing OPs husband their bleached arseholes, for money. But because it's a legitimate job she should be ok with it? Excellent.

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 19:58

It's really sleazy.

BetterFuture1985 · 17/05/2023 20:43

Mumoftwinsand2cats · 17/05/2023 11:35

Hello,
This is my first post here, could really do with some friendly advice.
so, basically my husband of 10 years has been going on adult chat rooms such as only fans as well as porn sites etc. The first time I found out was before we were married (hello, major red flag!) but he swore he wouldn’t do it again and I believed him. Anyway cut long story short he has continued to do this. I’ve found sites on his phone and in the junk mail of our family laptop (he’s not the brightest)at least twice in the past couple of years. I see this as cheating, and I know it’s disrespectful, how can I trust him- I can’t!
He’s made me feel so unattractive and unloved as he’s also distant with me. Barely touches me and when he does I feel like he’s thinking about one of the young flawless girls he looks at. I feel completely disgusted by his behaviour. I know I deserve better. I haven’t approached him yet about this latest discovery, my head says enough is enough I want him gone. The biggest problem I have is if I do leave him it will devastate my children. We have such a lovely family home which will of course have to sell and I can’t see how I can afford to support myself. I’m lost what to do. Yes I can talk about this with him but it’s happened too many times now and it’s really affecting me mentally.
Anyone been in similar situation, what did you do?

When I first found out my ex-wife was on an affair website and watching pornography, I made the mistake of forgiving her. What followed is fairly predictable. Affair, discovery, reconciliation, repeat. Your husband doesn't sound like he's into casual cheating territory yet but he's on the same path. It's a cycle that will slowly drive you a little crazy because you'll spend a lot of the time being subjected to gaslighting, you'll never be quite certain of what is reality and you will never feel at ease because you'll always be suspicious. The trust has already gone. In my case, I eventually snooped on my ex-wife, which I still regret to this day because it was out of character for me and not something I ever thought I would do and I caught her with another man. Looking back, I just wish I'd walked away at the point of first discovery with my own integrity intact.

As for the children, I had that issue too (in my case as a man, that weighed very heavily because like many men I had the perception at the time that family law was biased) but in the end I concluded that it would do the children far more harm living in a household where mum was sneaking around and dad was losing his sense of self.

The other thing is people like my wife, your husband. I don't think they are bad people but they are people who ought to be single because they can't really control their impulses enough to be in a monogamous relationship. To the best of my knowledge my ex-wife has carried on the casual affairs rather than have any permanent partner and I think she is the happier for it.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/05/2023 20:50

Interestingly would those saying 'it's a job' be happy if their daughters decided that as a PP has just said- flashing their bleached arseholes for money was the way to go?? If you are ok with it then your expectations are pretty piss poor for your daughters and it's all about the cash! I do love the description of creative content by the way- maybe some of it is- most of it though is simply digital prostitution

QueefQueen80s · 17/05/2023 21:40

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 19:57

@Babykingincoming I don't think it's their tax status that's worrying OP.

The pull of OnlyFans is the illusion of the punter's personal relationship with the "creator", which is reinforced by the explicit content in exchange for money and curated updates.

If a man is paying for curated content behind a paywall it's because it offers something more than the free porn available, and the illusion of a personal relationship. The "creator" might not think there's a relationship there, it may just be a job, but for the punter that's not the case. That's the point. Otherwise why pay?

So then you've got women taking their clothes off and showing OPs husband their bleached arseholes, for money. But because it's a legitimate job she should be ok with it? Excellent.

🙌🏼

Jas683 · 17/05/2023 22:46

Totally agree

Original poster
Mumoftwinsand2cats · 18/05/2023 15:03

Thank you so much for your replies, it’s helpful and reassuring. I have communicated boundaries before and he knows how upsetting it is for me and yet he continues to do it. If he was more attentive towards me I could perhaps see past it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumoftwinsand2cats · 18/05/2023 15:06

Thank you, I have a lot of thinking to do and will try to calmly speak about this with him. He’s such a good dad but rubbish husband!

OP posts:
Crikeyalmighty · 18/05/2023 15:19

@Mumoftwinsand2cats I would read the riot act if I was you- it's hugely disrespectful to you and tell him it's a total turn off mentally for you

QueefQueen80s · 18/05/2023 16:30

Mumoftwinsand2cats · 18/05/2023 15:03

Thank you so much for your replies, it’s helpful and reassuring. I have communicated boundaries before and he knows how upsetting it is for me and yet he continues to do it. If he was more attentive towards me I could perhaps see past it.

Nah even if he was attentive it's yuck.

Littleboymum · 30/05/2023 05:03

Hi OP,
I just found this thread. I found out my husband was chatting with women on OF back in February. We started counseling immediately and he had done better, but I can’t help but think that he is just hiding it better and I still can’t get over that this happened. I wish I would have taken time for myself when it happened because now I feel like im bring it up again, but im not over it at all and my heart is still broken. I am not sure what to do or if I should be over if by now.

Original poster
Mumoftwinsand2cats · 30/05/2023 09:34

Hi @Littleboymum I completely understand how you feel. It knocked my confidence when I found out what he was up to. After I wrote the thread I did speak to him about it and he was very ashamed about it. I do feel we’re going round in circles as I mentioned it’s happened (that I know of) quite a few times throughout our relationship. I don’t want to’check up’ on him by looking through his emails or online history but when he’s distant I think he’s up to something again!
I would have a proper heart to heart chat and tell him exactly how you feel and how it’s affecting you. It doesn’t create a good family atmosphere when you know you can’t trust your husband. Yes, everyone needs escapism from time to time, but going on OF is a big no no in my book. Porn, fine as long as he’s giving you the attention and love you deserve.
I will be monitoring things, he knows this is the last straw for me. My happiness is important and will go if it continues.
I hope you find a way through this.

OP posts:
Littleboymum · 30/05/2023 14:27

I feel like you took the words out of my mouth. I don’t want to check up on him and he tells me I can anytime. I never want to have to feel like I do that, and to me it means nothing because it just means he’s being careful if he’s doing it again. I really don’t know when I’ll be able to trust him again.

BetterFuture1985 · 30/05/2023 16:06

@Littleboymum @Mumoftwinsand2cats The trouble you will find if you stay with your partners is that you won't be able to trust them again and eventually that will to not snoop on them will erode. It's a torture staying in a relationship with someone who cannot be trusted. It will destroy your confidence and make you do things that you regret, like demeaning yourself by snooping rather than just walking away.

I made the mistake of forgiving my ex-wife six times. She sexted, she had hook ups, she might even have had full blown affairs and the remorse when I found out was always fake. In the end you reach a point where you don't care about the infidelity anymore, you are just insanely curious as to what new life your partner has!

And the only sane and rational thing to do is come to terms with not knowing and walk away.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2023 18:33

@BetterFuture1985 you have mentioned something I think that isa big point- at some point you often actually no longer give a monkeys about stuff-- because they have snuffed out the 100% feelings and trust- but do become obsessively curious about what crap they are up too now if you don't split. It's not good I know.

BetterFuture1985 · 30/05/2023 18:45

Crikeyalmighty · 30/05/2023 18:33

@BetterFuture1985 you have mentioned something I think that isa big point- at some point you often actually no longer give a monkeys about stuff-- because they have snuffed out the 100% feelings and trust- but do become obsessively curious about what crap they are up too now if you don't split. It's not good I know.

It's terrible and a further degradation of your own sense of self and morals. You have to walk away in order to reclaim yourself.

AdamRyan · 30/05/2023 21:24

Only fans is not porn
Anything where a customer is interacting directly and getting custom made content is cheating in my opinion, and akin to using prostitutes.

OriginalFloorboards · 30/05/2023 21:38

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 13:15

I love a good semantic. Bans and boundaries are not the same, boundaries aren't about telling anyone what to do, they're more about what you're willing to accept. Boundaries don't control others, they state our position.

No of course we shouldn't ban a partners choices when it comes to sex but, we should very definitely have clear boundaries.

Well put.

Lalallals248 · 30/01/2026 00:48

I know this is old, but I really want to highlight the distinction between general porn use and actively paying people to message them, send pictures and interact with them. OnlyFans isnt a flick on pornhub - it is choosing specific women, spending money on them and engaging with them (or the chat bots they use but I dont reckon that's the turn on).

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