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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband is on Only Fans

74 replies

Mumoftwinsand2cats · 17/05/2023 11:35

Hello,
This is my first post here, could really do with some friendly advice.
so, basically my husband of 10 years has been going on adult chat rooms such as only fans as well as porn sites etc. The first time I found out was before we were married (hello, major red flag!) but he swore he wouldn’t do it again and I believed him. Anyway cut long story short he has continued to do this. I’ve found sites on his phone and in the junk mail of our family laptop (he’s not the brightest)at least twice in the past couple of years. I see this as cheating, and I know it’s disrespectful, how can I trust him- I can’t!
He’s made me feel so unattractive and unloved as he’s also distant with me. Barely touches me and when he does I feel like he’s thinking about one of the young flawless girls he looks at. I feel completely disgusted by his behaviour. I know I deserve better. I haven’t approached him yet about this latest discovery, my head says enough is enough I want him gone. The biggest problem I have is if I do leave him it will devastate my children. We have such a lovely family home which will of course have to sell and I can’t see how I can afford to support myself. I’m lost what to do. Yes I can talk about this with him but it’s happened too many times now and it’s really affecting me mentally.
Anyone been in similar situation, what did you do?

OP posts:
Babykingincoming · 17/05/2023 14:28

I'm so shocked how many people on this thread think porn is cheating 🤯 can anyone with this perspective explain why you feel this way?

Megifer · 17/05/2023 14:36

Where has anyone said porn = cheating?

Gigglemous · 17/05/2023 14:43

Junk mail is a weird one. I've had the same email address for like 15 years + and I get penis enlargement emails and 'hot girls looking to bang' emails pop through my junk mail now and again (I'm female btw).

The rest. Well, your responsibility is to to teach you children about loving relationship, loyalty and resilience, no?
This man is treating you like shit. Show your kids you're not a doormat and leave.

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 14:44

Megifer · 17/05/2023 14:27

Op has raised it. But do carry on making yourself look a little bit silly 😂

Show quote history

I can read, Meg!!!

Raising something a couple of years ago (she infers that they have been married for a while) and not giving him the chance to respond before hitting the big red divorce button is a bit shit!

Would you give up your relationship without giving someone a chance to reply or would you go on MN and just follow the stupidity herd mentality that are advising her to pack her bags???

Off to continue looking silly, and by silly I mean right! Bye Meg 🖕

TorringtonDean · 17/05/2023 14:54

Believe it or not the OP does not have to stay married to this wanker! He is not trustworthy. He probably has exposed the kids to porn on the computer. Get rid.

Seas164 · 17/05/2023 14:57

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 14:44

I can read, Meg!!!

Raising something a couple of years ago (she infers that they have been married for a while) and not giving him the chance to respond before hitting the big red divorce button is a bit shit!

Would you give up your relationship without giving someone a chance to reply or would you go on MN and just follow the stupidity herd mentality that are advising her to pack her bags???

Off to continue looking silly, and by silly I mean right! Bye Meg 🖕

Show quote history

Ooh I do love a good flounce on a Wednesday afternoon...

Megifer · 17/05/2023 14:58

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 14:44

I can read, Meg!!!

Raising something a couple of years ago (she infers that they have been married for a while) and not giving him the chance to respond before hitting the big red divorce button is a bit shit!

Would you give up your relationship without giving someone a chance to reply or would you go on MN and just follow the stupidity herd mentality that are advising her to pack her bags???

Off to continue looking silly, and by silly I mean right! Bye Meg 🖕

Show quote history

Would I draw my line and let the other person be the reason for the relationship ending if they continued doing the thing I had ready said was unacceptable and they assured me it wouldn't happen again? Yes.

would i come on MN and offer that as my opinion? Yes.

Would i go steaming in blathering on about needing to raise issues when op says they have done that in about the 4th sentence in the op? I mean I'd try not to, because why have a dog and bark yourself? And by dog, I mean you 😊

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 15:00

TorringtonDean · 17/05/2023 14:54

Believe it or not the OP does not have to stay married to this wanker! He is not trustworthy. He probably has exposed the kids to porn on the computer. Get rid.

OH DEAR GOD! Get you pitchforks ready!!! Suddenly the poor fella that likes a wank to some skanky lass on OF, is a P@edo!

Get some perspective, she needs to talk it through with him and not listen to MN morons.

TorringtonDean · 17/05/2023 15:04

Women have a right to get divorced, don’t they? We can set boundaries and say no, we don’t want this. Or do we all have to be Stepford Wives?

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 15:08

Megifer · 17/05/2023 14:58

Would I draw my line and let the other person be the reason for the relationship ending if they continued doing the thing I had ready said was unacceptable and they assured me it wouldn't happen again? Yes.

would i come on MN and offer that as my opinion? Yes.

Would i go steaming in blathering on about needing to raise issues when op says they have done that in about the 4th sentence in the op? I mean I'd try not to, because why have a dog and bark yourself? And by dog, I mean you 😊

Show quote history

Discussed years ago, Hun. It is a "now" problem that may need readdressing.

Also, ok for you to give your opinion but not me. Does OP only want one angle?

As for calling me names, grow up Meg! Nobody likes a name calling bully

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 17/05/2023 15:10

Put bromide in his tea

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 15:11

TorringtonDean · 17/05/2023 15:04

Women have a right to get divorced, don’t they? We can set boundaries and say no, we don’t want this. Or do we all have to be Stepford Wives?

Yes, woman (and men) have a right to get divorced. They also have to think about the consequences of the divorce and how it is silly to not try and resolve something - even if the resolution ends up being divorced.

Inferring the husband is a paedo is not helpful though. like the MN version of Godwin's law

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 15:14

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 17/05/2023 15:10

Put bromide in his tea

Yes, that will save on the divorce lawyers as either:

a) he will be dead; or,
b) you will be in prison for attempted murder

Megifer · 17/05/2023 15:18

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 15:08

Discussed years ago, Hun. It is a "now" problem that may need readdressing.

Also, ok for you to give your opinion but not me. Does OP only want one angle?

As for calling me names, grow up Meg! Nobody likes a name calling bully

Show quote history

I should stop but I am bored 😂

So people needs regular reminders not to do XYZ. How often? Like a yearly thing maybe?

I personally didn't say you weren't entitled to your opinion I just pointed out that you said op should raise it when she already has (but as we've established, unless they get regular reminders it doesn't count 🙄 how tiring that must be)

The saying why have a dog and bark yourself means why do something that someone else can do. Its not necessarily an insult however I do apologise and will sign off with a leaf taken out of your book (that means do the same as you)

🖕

JeanBodel · 17/05/2023 15:18

It is perfectly acceptable to say you do not want to be married to a man who uses porn. We all have different opinions around whether porn is a good thing/bad thing/neutral thing. You are allowed to hold the opinion that porn is a bad thing and you do not want to be married to someone who uses porn.

QueefQueen80s · 17/05/2023 15:18

Regular porn is different from following specific young women and focusing their sexual attention on them. How can a regular woman compare.
And it's not hate towards these women.. same as I don't hate prostitutes.. I hate the sleazy men who create the demand for them.

Babykingincoming · 17/05/2023 15:24

Just for reference, only fans is "work" for the creators. They pay income tax on the earnings. It's not like Facebook, users of only fans aren't building relationships with creators. The content creators provide explicit content in exchange for money and curated updates. Many don't use their real names. There's no option to build a personal relationship with the creators, everything is behind a paywall.

Many women also use only fans as "fans" and creators on the platform come in various genders / mixed ages / some create as couples.

It's very reductive to assume it's sleezy. It's a job.

TorringtonDean · 17/05/2023 15:28

@Babykingincoming do you work for OnlyFans? Prostitution is also a “job”. Wives generally don’t like their husbands using it as clients though.

Laurdo · 17/05/2023 15:33

I don't think watching porn is cheating. If I was happy with my sex life and felt desired by my partner I wouldn't be bothered about him watching porn.

If my partner showed me no attention and was not interested in sex with me but was using porn, I would be very upset.

Chatting to other women on OF or other sites I would class as cheating personally.

The porn/OF usage isn't the issue here. It's the breaking of trust, crossing of boundaries and not making his wife feel loved that is the issue.

NicPlusSize · 17/05/2023 15:52

Megifer · 17/05/2023 15:18

I should stop but I am bored 😂

So people needs regular reminders not to do XYZ. How often? Like a yearly thing maybe?

I personally didn't say you weren't entitled to your opinion I just pointed out that you said op should raise it when she already has (but as we've established, unless they get regular reminders it doesn't count 🙄 how tiring that must be)

The saying why have a dog and bark yourself means why do something that someone else can do. Its not necessarily an insult however I do apologise and will sign off with a leaf taken out of your book (that means do the same as you)

🖕

Show quote history

I should also stop, yet you are entertaining me with all your lessons. Writing these all down for future use.

"So people needs regular reminders not to do XYZ. How often? Like a yearly thing maybe?" - Possibly, some of the guys out there are a little dense/ do not listen very well. I have to remind mine to put the lid back on the toothpaste almost daily!

Look, if he is a serial chat room user, and it is the very worst thing in the world to the OP, then bail on the relationship. If he has slipped up and chatted even though there was a distant conversation then possibly have a further chat about it and this time make sure it is agreed to.

Suddenly giving up on a relationship/marriage without trying does not take into consideration the consequences that the divorce has for others (kids etc).

Looking forward to our next lesson Meg 🖕

LadyH846 · 17/05/2023 16:04

Personally I feel there's a lot more to this issue than it seems on the surface. Don't let people tell you OP that you're overreacting, if you feel you're not.

I've done quite a bit of dating over the last 10-15 years. I've dated men who weren't into porn, men who used the free stuff from time to time and unfortunately several men who I later found out were obsessed with it. Here are my observations about men who use cam girls, interactive porn & lots of porn:

They're bad in bed.

The sex dries up because they prefer their fantasy women online (and I was very attractive so I believe this has nothing to do with how you actually look)

They are avoiding intimacy.

They have a misogynistic streak and a madonna/whore complex.

It can sometimes progress to the use of actual prostitutes.

I would never date a man who's big into porn now. The porn and his breaking of your boundary is not the root cause of your issues, but a symptom of who you are married to and what he is like.

Babykingincoming · 17/05/2023 16:36

TorringtonDean · 17/05/2023 15:28

@Babykingincoming do you work for OnlyFans? Prostitution is also a “job”. Wives generally don’t like their husbands using it as clients though.

I'm an accountant.

Prostitution is also a job yes, i missed where op said the husband was using prostitutes?

Prostitution like only fans doesn't include a personal emotional relationship but as there is a physical relationship I'd be more understanding of the perspective that using a prostitution service is cheating.

Babykingincoming · 17/05/2023 16:38

TorringtonDean · 17/05/2023 15:28

@Babykingincoming do you work for OnlyFans? Prostitution is also a “job”. Wives generally don’t like their husbands using it as clients though.

To add I feel it's similarly reductive to label all prostitution as sleezy.

LadyH846 · 17/05/2023 16:43

Prostitution is sleazy as hell and quite rightly universally seen as such.

BemusedBrenda · 17/05/2023 16:46

There are some absolutely wild opinions on this post.

OP, I hope you pay no attention and don't let any posters invalidate your perfectly reasonable feelings.

Although it's pretty widely acknowledged that porn is problematic by itself - actually engaging with other people to get your rocks off is totally different and it would cross the line for most. Whether an affair with a colleague or an interaction with a sex worker, it's absolutely a huge breach of trust.