Husband is on Only Fans

[Mumoftwinsand2cats]

Hello,
This is my first post here, could really do with some friendly advice.
so, basically my husband of 10 years has been going on adult chat rooms such as only fans as well as porn sites etc. The first time I found out was before we were married (hello, major red flag!) but he swore he wouldn’t do it again and I believed him. Anyway cut long story short he has continued to do this. I’ve found sites on his phone and in the junk mail of our family laptop (he’s not the brightest)at least twice in the past couple of years. I see this as cheating, and I know it’s disrespectful, how can I trust him- I can’t!
He’s made me feel so unattractive and unloved as he’s also distant with me. Barely touches me and when he does I feel like he’s thinking about one of the young flawless girls he looks at. I feel completely disgusted by his behaviour. I know I deserve better. I haven’t approached him yet about this latest discovery, my head says enough is enough I want him gone. The biggest problem I have is if I do leave him it will devastate my children. We have such a lovely family home which will of course have to sell and I can’t see how I can afford to support myself. I’m lost what to do. Yes I can talk about this with him but it’s happened too many times now and it’s really affecting me mentally.
Anyone been in similar situation, what did you do?

Get rid or you are in for a future of insecurity and comparison, there can be no love here now. The ick has taken over.

Hiya! Sorry you are feeling hurt by this and struggling with what to do.

My advice is to try and communicate with him and ask yourself why you see engagement with only fans as cheating. Do you also consider using pornography cheating? Really only fans is just as it says it's only for fans the workers on there are not emotionally or physically interested in their fans it's a job.

I would encourage you to work with your husband on acceptable boundaries or parameters for activities like this. All people deserve some autonomy to pleasure themselves but perhaps it would help if he prioritised pleasure interactions with you? Agreed not to use the site while your in the house? Involve you in enjoying porn? I think you need an open discussion about your feelings of rejection and what his drivers are so you can understand each other.

On a separate note, if you want to leave him you should. You're new home will be just as lovely when you're settled and children won't thank you for just staying together for their sake in the future.

If it's over for you, it's over. He knows that chatting with cam girls is a boundary, he chose to cross it, it's now ok for you to do what is best for you as a result.

There's no easy answer, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs, but if you know that you can't move past this and accept it as an ongoing feature of your marriage, you're going to have to forge forth. The kids will be ok.

Get all your financial details together, all incomings, outgoings, debts and savings etc and see a solicitor to get an idea of what the likely outcome would be for you. Same with any tax credits etc. It's a process, you will get through it if it's what you need to do, and you will be ok.

Your dc will be fine. Ironically, far far better than if you stayed.

It's easy for people to tell you to leave because of this behaviour without looking at whether that is a possibility for you or not. We don't know your life, your financial situation, nor how easy it is for you to leave. I have been there before so I understand the pain and frustration that comes with that.

If leaving is something that is achievable or something you can gradually work towards then I would advise doing it or else you'll spend many more months if not years trying to change a man who is not willing to change.

If you have communicated your boundaries and he has gone against them then that damages your trust and at that point you need to draw the line. If you haven't expressed your boundaries then it may be a good idea to have a chat which clearly defines what you are and are not willing to accept. Once he agrees, if he breaks that trust then he takes full responsibility. Remember, if he wants to, he will.

Perhaps you should find out if there are any friend that you can confide in. You might find people closer to you will have a better understanding of the situation.

Take care x

Some of the things in your post indicate to me that there are some issues here that you could resolve (if you want to) and save your marriage. You say that you believe your husband is thinking of "young, flawless" women when he is with you. This suggests you are quite insecure/unconfident and the issue is with how you feel about yourself in this aspect rather than the actual way most people use porn. Most people don't use porn to think about when they are having sex with a partner but as a way to get quick gratification when they are alone. There is generally no act of comparison during sex. I am also interested to think about why you consider this to be cheating that means you can't trust him. Many, if not most, people in relationships watch porn. You may not agree with it morally (this is a separate issue) but it generally is not considered to be cheating or even a pre-cursor to cheating.

The only red flag I can see in your post is that you have asked your husband to stop watching porn and he seems to have continued.

Can you get some counselling/therapy once you have discussed it with him? On its own this does not seem a reason to divorce.

Wow, a lot of softy apologists here. Keep your standards high OP.

I'm not a softy apologist just I'd personally find it rather controlling for my partner to ban me from self pleasure and tools that are widely used for it like porn and sex toys. I'd assume it was an issue we could work through with better understanding of one another.

I don't think it's a case of a ban. It's a boundaries issue, OP drew a boundary, her DH swore he would respect it (that was the time for him to assert his right to access online what he felt to be appropriate and justified pleasure tools) and did not.

It is fair for OP to have boundaries and to do what she needs to do if they aren't respected.

I did say she should leave him if she wants to. I just don't agree that it's softy apologist behaviour to remind her that he's a individual with some rights and body autonomy.

I don't think there's value in debating the semantics - boundary or ban - is telling someone they can't do something because you're not ok with it. It doesn't mean it's more or less of a legitimate or reasonable expectation because a different word is used.

I love a good semantic. Bans and boundaries are not the same, boundaries aren't about telling anyone what to do, they're more about what you're willing to accept. Boundaries don't control others, they state our position.

No of course we shouldn't ban a partners choices when it comes to sex but, we should very definitely have clear boundaries.

If I was a child of a couple who had broken up because one of them had watched porn I would be furious. It is infuriatingly selfish. Yes the OP is entitled to boundaries/red lines etc but when there are children involved they need to be reasonable and proportionate. I think the OP maybe needs to work through understanding why she finds this behaviour unacceptable and at least try and solve the situation with her DH. If she came on here saying her DH had been visiting prostitutes behind her back then that would be one thing but watching porn is quite another.

I don't think the issue here is his use of porn, the real issue is that you're feeling neglected, unloved and unattractive. If he was showering you with affection and making you feel like a goddess in the bedroom would it still bother you that he also used porn?

It's infuriatingly selfish of OP to not want to be married to someone who swore he wouldn't interact with adult chat rooms, but continued to do so?

I dont think it's infuriatingly selfish to want to end a marriage where you feel unattractive and unoved and your DH is distant, barely touches you and you are disgusted by his behaviour.

I think it's infuriatingly selfish of her DH to put his wanking habits above the welfare of his marriage, and continue his "adult chats" while his relationship sinks. Why should OP have to cling to this sinking ship to avoid being judged as infuriatingly selfish, while DP can prioritise naked strangers on the internet who are only talking to him because he's paying them?

I think they would benefit from therapy.

That's divorce aside.

Have high standards op. You are worth it. You see this as an issue, so it is an issue. I'd have no hesitation to get rid and make sure he's aware he's split the family up, not me.

More worryingly he has potentially exposed your children to sexual content assuming it is indeed a family computer.

Saving chats etc to wank over again and again on a family PC? God how utterly pathetic and tragic of him when he's got the real thing 😂😂😂😂

My babydad was the same. It hurts so much to have them attracted to unrealistic standards instead of us real women who would do anything for them and have their children. I see it as cheating too. People will gaslight you and call you ‘insecure’ - even other women, but you know you deserve better 💪 nobody can tell me what should and what shouldn’t upset me. I have ASD and always got ‘you’re taking it the wrong way because you have autism’. Your feeling of betrayal is 100% valid.

The fact you are on here bleating on about it on here rather actually having a conversation with your husband says a lot.

If you do not like it tell him and, as others have suggested, set acceptable mutually agreed boundaries (i.e. porn ok, chat rooms bad). It will be up to him whether he accepts it.

To throw away a marriage without actually talking and trying to resolve it shows you only have your own selfish interests at heart or that you are not that invested in your marriage. Maybe give some thought to your kids what a divorce without trying will do.

Your husband would probably welcome the divorce if he knew your words on here!

Nothing wrong with wanking. Everything wrong with sites like onlyfans where men can pay to look at material made by very young perfect women.
And even if my partner was still all over me, it would be a problem. I have too much respect for myself to be made to feel less than.
A true man or woman would make you feel no insecurities. A person made to feel attractive will be more likely to be a better sexual partner and have a happier relationship with.
And men wonder why their women don't want to engage sexually when they're drooling all over 20 years olds..

I can't believe what I'm reading! Are you a bloke by any chance? HE would be causing the divorce.

@NicPlusSize

She did set boundaries, and he swore to stay away from "adult chat rooms".

He did not.

OP isn't bleating, which is a really strange choice of word, she no longer trusts him because of his actions, this is a good thing, not something to be disparaged. Having standards is recommended.

Potentially yes, she still has taken a responsibility to try and resolve it rather than first thoughts being divorce.

When i have an issue with my husband I raise it with them and talk it through. This should always be the first step.

If the OP does not like someone being a honest about her actions of running onto MN to moan then maybe she is not mature enough and the husband would see divorce as a welcome release!

(oh, and not a bloke... not all of us women have no perspective on the world!)

It's a personal issue if someone feels insecure and not necessarily fair to put the responsibility on their partner to resolve this, especially without communicating with them.

If you think there's something wrong with only fans you should campaign to have it shut down. I don't think there would be any hate for "young perfect women" that work in the sex industry from a stable and secure individual. It comes across very bitter / jealous.

I'm female I watch porn, I also enjoy the beauty of characters in movies like aqua man but that doesn't mean all I want in life is a giant 🍆 or a 7 foot muscle man.

Trust your eyes. Trust your ears. Trust your instincts.
This 'husband' is cheating on you, whether he meets up with women or not.
He has been all along.
So.
He won't change.
Round up those ducks and get them in a row. Speak to a solicitor as soon as you can. Where will you live, how will you manage financially, how will you leave or get him to go... work it all out before you say a word to the husband. And when it comes, let that word be 'Goodbye'.
Therapy is a great idea - afterwards. You can't save this marriage unless you are willing to put up with his wilful disregard of your feelings, and unless you are willing to submit to having sex with a man who is always thinking of other women. So no 'therapy' with him, or to save the shitshow, only therapy to get over him when he's gone, as a contribution to your future -happy- life without him.

Op has raised it. But do carry on making yourself look a little bit silly 😂