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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

50/50 request

140 replies

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:14

My husband has requested 50/50 access to our children. Two girls aged 8 and 10. He currently does 5 nights a fortnight and in my mind struggles a bit with that. He doesn't do their hobbies and things, picks up late and drops back early if he has a lot on. When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends. When we first separated he made noises that I should work full time so that he doesn't have to give me as much equity in the house but I put this down to nastiness (he decided to separate very suddenly and there have been rumours of ongoing affair). He has out of the blue emailed a schedule that includes him having the girls half the time, and on days that I am not working. He is claiming he can work from home. The schedule also makes my 3 day work schedule quite difficult. He earns about 90k a year and I earn 26k a year. He has most of our money as he took it all when he left and I didn't think to close joint account so can afford much more legal fees than me. I have no problem with him seeing the children more but I feel this is financially motivated to avoid child maintenance and to force me back to work full time in order to pay bills. How likely do you think it is he could win the battle. It seems crazy to me that the children should sit in his house watching him work when they could be with me, not working. I have never worked full time. My eldest is having ADHD diagnosis so although she is 10 she needs support to focus on home work and etc. I'm a teacher too so my hours are long. Full time would be a struggle. Those of you who do it are heroes to me. I feel that with £116k between us, that is more than enough to enable the girls to have quality time with one parent and it shouldn't be about just being fair. They aren't possessions in my mind, but children with needs.

OP posts:
limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 17:19

In my experience the court will expect you to work full-time even if you never have.
I worked part time and was expected to get a full-time job. I didn't get more of the equity due to working part-time.

And yes, he will almost certainly get 50/50 if he goes for a child arrangements order, unless there is some sort of safeguarding issue in his care. The court did not give a sh*t about how my ex's 50/50 schedule made it difficult for me to work. Even if it is financially motivated (it probably is) they do not care.

CatJumperTwat · 15/02/2023 17:22

The position of courts now is that it should be 50/50 unless there are reasons not to. And you not wanting to work won't be seen as a reason not to. Your ex has a responsibility to his children but not to make up for your part-time wage.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:26

It's not about not wanting to work. It's about not wanting the girls in school or wrap around childcare from 7:30 until 6 pm every night and my daughter getting in from secondary school to an empty house every night for three hours. It's madness when there is no financial need in my mind.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 15/02/2023 17:27

Send him a copy of your dd's weekly schedule..include all extra activities.. Any appointments due.. Party invites also. Ask him to commit to all of that as your dd's hold those things important.. Tell him school will need clubs /lunch money paid up front etc... Add on equipment he will need at his house for the activities on his days.

Call his bluff.

CatJumperTwat · 15/02/2023 17:27

Okay you can keep talking about what's fair in your mind but what matters is the courts, and they won't agree with you.

MajorCarolDanvers · 15/02/2023 17:28

Very likely he will be able to get 50/50.

It's not unreasonable for you to have to work full time.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:29

That's my concern, my daughter has ADHD and finds it hard to commit to anything. It really upsets her. If she says she doesn't want to do something then it's easier for him to not encourage her. She has given up so many things she loves because it isn't convenient for him for her to do it. It really impacts her mental health. If I say that to him, he accuses me of using her as a weapon.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 15/02/2023 17:30

Agree with you completely OP but I’m afraid I don’t know what the solution is, hope other posters can help you find a way through. It seems madness to me that this 50-50 thing can be used to bully people into changing what could be a very appropriate lifestyle for the children.

MrsBunnyEars · 15/02/2023 17:33

Your approach of saying ‘there’s no financial need’ to work FT because of the amount you earn between you is all wrong.

When you’re single, you need to earn enough for yourself. Not rely on someone who no longer has any reason to support you rather than the children.

mybunniesandme · 15/02/2023 17:34

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:26

It's not about not wanting to work. It's about not wanting the girls in school or wrap around childcare from 7:30 until 6 pm every night and my daughter getting in from secondary school to an empty house every night for three hours. It's madness when there is no financial need in my mind.

Lots of working parents and single parents rely on wrap around care. Being a part time worker is a luxury - one previously funded by him but he's under no obligation for that to continue.

JussathoB · 15/02/2023 17:34

why do some posters seem to be relishing telling the OP she has to go to work full time just because her ex now wants her to?

JussathoB · 15/02/2023 17:35

i thought people got divorced to prevent their ex from dictating their life!

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:36

To be clear, I gave up a job earning more than him as we both agreed it was better for the children. I hope no part time or non working mum ever feels 'funded' by a father 😡

OP posts:
JussathoB · 15/02/2023 17:38

There could be a transition period. In a couple of years the DC would be more able to look after themselves if mum worked full time.

Ponderingwindow · 15/02/2023 17:39

You don’t have to agree to his proposed schedule. Counter with one that you think works better for you and the children but hopefully works out to similar parenting time.

When negotiating, make it clear that you expect him to take over full responsibility for their schedules on his days

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:40

I earn plenty for myself. Just not enough for his children he chose to have and now wants to force them to sit at home and watch him work rather than have me be with them helping them with home work, taking them to hobbies, etc. I just can't see that is good for them if it isn't necessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:42

That is my thinking. I would like to suggest he have 6 nights and me 8. Just makes sense with working hours. He lives in a different town too, he has chosen to do that, so children would be forced to be away from their friends for half the time. It seems unfair.

OP posts:
JussathoB · 15/02/2023 17:42

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 17:19

In my experience the court will expect you to work full-time even if you never have.
I worked part time and was expected to get a full-time job. I didn't get more of the equity due to working part-time.

And yes, he will almost certainly get 50/50 if he goes for a child arrangements order, unless there is some sort of safeguarding issue in his care. The court did not give a sh*t about how my ex's 50/50 schedule made it difficult for me to work. Even if it is financially motivated (it probably is) they do not care.

I find this so frustrating. I think people’s individual situations should be taken into account carefully.

ElfDragon · 15/02/2023 17:42

I have just had a judge agree that it isn’t feasible for me to find work, and that I need to be at home, BUT my eldest has severe autism, and is almost at the end of school - who knows what will happen next, and it is likely that dc1 will be at home with me.

we had a longer marriage (20+ years), and I have been out of work since dc1 was born - almost 19 years now - and so it is not very realistic I will just walk into a job, even if adequate care could be found for dc1 while I work.

our younger dc also have additional needs, and need support.

most crucially, however, exH hasn’t ever wanted 50/50 - he really wouldn’t cope, and doesn’t want to either. none of the dc would want it either (my youngest is 11)

what would your dc want? if they feel very strongly about not having 50/50, for reasonable reasons, then the court may listen to them. Mine are older, and so they were listened to (the 2 older ones at least).

Rtmhwales · 15/02/2023 17:45

Can you propose a schedule where he has the girls the 3 days you work a week and one extra day as well the subsequent week? So if you work M/T/W then one week he has them those days plus a Sunday and the next he just has them those days? Or however it works best for everybody? He may want some weekend time which is fair.

What do they do on the days you said you work long hours?

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 17:45

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:26

It's not about not wanting to work. It's about not wanting the girls in school or wrap around childcare from 7:30 until 6 pm every night and my daughter getting in from secondary school to an empty house every night for three hours. It's madness when there is no financial need in my mind.

I don't want my kids in wrap around care and full-time childcare either, who does? But I'm telling you of my very recent experience in court for financial/divorce proceedings and family court for child arrangement proceedings. They literally DO NOT CARE. I'm trying to give you a realistic view.

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 17:49

JussathoB · 15/02/2023 17:34

why do some posters seem to be relishing telling the OP she has to go to work full time just because her ex now wants her to?

No one is relishing. I'm guessing like myself other posters have recent experience in family court and are trying to tell the OP realistically what will happen.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:50

He currently has Friday to Sunday every other weekend, every Monday night as that is my long day and Thursday night if he doesn't have the girls at the weekend. I have suggested Friday to Tuesday every other weekend and Sunday to Tuesday every other -. 6 days in total. He is insisting on Wednesday to Saturday alternate and Thursday to Monday. That is madness to me when I don't work Thursday and Friday. He isn't budging on those days.

OP posts:
Bibbling · 15/02/2023 17:50

OP in the nicest possible way, I think you need to wake up to your new reality.
Working full time will of course be difficult, but you need to do it as your ex is clearly not intending to fund you or the children to the extent he is. Activities and clubs can be cut back, it’s not the end of the world. Kids do too much anyways

TheLastDreamOfTheOak · 15/02/2023 17:51

There's no financial need in your mind but you are thinking of yourself still as part of a marriage where one person earns more and the other looks after the kids. You aren't in that marriage anymore. I get that dh used to work and you used to look after the children but if he can now work from home to facilitate childcare on his days, then the expectation will be that you also work to support yourself. It's it wrong that he wants his own children as much as possible though I can see how that's hard for you.
If your kids are teens then childcare doesn't even come in to it.

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