50/50 request

[teachermumjuggle]

My husband has requested 50/50 access to our children. Two girls aged 8 and 10. He currently does 5 nights a fortnight and in my mind struggles a bit with that. He doesn't do their hobbies and things, picks up late and drops back early if he has a lot on. When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends. When we first separated he made noises that I should work full time so that he doesn't have to give me as much equity in the house but I put this down to nastiness (he decided to separate very suddenly and there have been rumours of ongoing affair). He has out of the blue emailed a schedule that includes him having the girls half the time, and on days that I am not working. He is claiming he can work from home. The schedule also makes my 3 day work schedule quite difficult. He earns about 90k a year and I earn 26k a year. He has most of our money as he took it all when he left and I didn't think to close joint account so can afford much more legal fees than me. I have no problem with him seeing the children more but I feel this is financially motivated to avoid child maintenance and to force me back to work full time in order to pay bills. How likely do you think it is he could win the battle. It seems crazy to me that the children should sit in his house watching him work when they could be with me, not working. I have never worked full time. My eldest is having ADHD diagnosis so although she is 10 she needs support to focus on home work and etc. I'm a teacher too so my hours are long. Full time would be a struggle. Those of you who do it are heroes to me. I feel that with £116k between us, that is more than enough to enable the girls to have quality time with one parent and it shouldn't be about just being fair. They aren't possessions in my mind, but children with needs.

Are you trying to prevent 50/50 so you still get maintenance?

If person is working part time and only affording that through ex financing it or state picking up the tab then they can’t afford it and should be working full time. Might not be the case here of course but it usually is

Definitely not the case. I can afford to live on my salary, claim no benefit and don't need his maintenance. I just don't want our children to lose time with a parent so that he can attempt to manipulate me for financial gain.

Nom I don't need his maintenance. Or to work full time. I am lucky to have great part time salary. I would rather refuse it than have him take the girls when he is working and I am not to avoid paying it. It's using them to try to control me with money and I would hope courts would recognise that but I doubt they will.

JussathoB-but I guess the op's exh would say the exact same thing about her. She is trying to call the shots as she likes how their lives are set up, why should she be able to control his access to his own children?
Two sides to everything I guess.

With children those ages a judge would expect you to work full time, especially as a teacher you have school holidays off. Judge will decide financial split on what you could do, not what you choose to do. Courts expect to parents to do 50/50 especially with older children. He probably is trying to avoid maintenance but court won't care about that.

I am not stopping the amount of access as I have recommended 6 out of 14 days, just questioning why he wants them on days I don't work only rather than on the days I do work (probably because that when he plays football and golf). It makes no logical sense.

Say that in mediation then-I don't think anyone would disagree with you I the actual days for that reason, but they might disagree with you on the Quantum of time I guess...
He might have reasons he could give for wanting them those days too-and eventually it will be decided in court. But if you can avoid that I would because it's costs dearly, financially, emotionally and in terms of the detriment it does to the co parenting relationship that is necessary between parents until the kids are 18 (at least), and the knock in effect that has on the kids.

@teachermumjuggle - Half that money he took was yours - have you asked him for your share of these funds ?

He said the courts will sort it at the same time they decide how much of my pension he is allowed to have. The real question is how will I ever live without him 🤣🤣

@teachermumjuggle if he's anything like my ex, he will be asking for the days where he knows you don't work just to be a kn*b.

So many men do this, going off friends experiences too.

If he had them on days that "suited" you more i.e when you're working, in his messed up mind he is "helping" you.

The arrangement with my ex means I get 2 actual days a month with my children when I'm not working (I work shifts)... most of my days off I don't have my children. It feels like such a waste but the court didn't care.

I feel really sorry for you. Ex sounds like a nasty piece of work who will make your girls suffer due to his own selfishness. They are the ones who will suffer from his actions, which leaves you stuck with deciding whether to disadvantage yourself to make their lives bearable, or let ex have his way and the girls lose out.

I don’t envy your choice, seems like too many women are stuck in this position

@teachermumjuggle - He is show his true colours - isn't he.....🤑

Well I think you should stick to your guns OP. Point out the weaknesses on his side - up to now he hasn’t done the hobbies etc, and hasn’t always had them as expected. Point out the question mark about getting to/from secondary school. Point out that it’s a waste not to take advantage of your current time availability as you are PT. Point out he took all the savings.
Then suggest you could increase his access by moving towards 50-50 if that’s what he really wants but your suggestion is the 6/8 thing that you believe is in the DC best interests.
When in mediation he keeps asking for his version, just restate that the schedule uou propose works better for everyone. Then ask again about gaps on his side - the DC hobbies/activities etc.
If he wont agree go to court snd spell out your plan.
Then whatever happens note any issues whatsoever with him upholding his side of the bargain and go back to court if necessary.

I don’t know whether you can ‘stall’ changes a bit by saying things could be reviewed in a couple of years time etc. DC would be older and would also be able to give an opinion

I would initially agree to 50/50. Tell him you think that’s a great idea. Insist to be fair, and to reduce disruption to the children, it should be week about with hand over on a week day (Mon-Thu) of his choosing.

This gives each of you equal time including uninterrupted down time at the weekend.

Point out that everything will need to be split with all appointments being covered by the parent whose week it is. Also point out that under this arrangement he will be responsible for care during 50% of all school holidays. See what he thinks of that.

@teachermumjuggle Presumably he has a pension that you'll be awarded a chunk of in return.

@teachermumjuggle you sound very savvy, but just wanted to check (and nothing to do with DC per se)...I know you are paying the mortgage and you have a good part time salary, but at some point are you going to have to raise enough money to buy him out of the family home on your part time salary whilst paying the mortgage on your own or are you anticipating moving? I only ask because the children's time is one thing, but assets are assessed completely differently and how much time DC spend at one home compared to another may not make much difference to the financial split.

1. it's not necessarily the case that no maintenance is due with 50:50. If the child benefit is in you name, you do most of the care (pick up, drop off, appointments, school holidays), and he earns considerably more than you then he may well still need to pay maintenance. He wouldn't be able to keep any of the child benefit anyway due to his income and he wouldn't get UC so I think it's unlikely a court will order you to hand one of the CB payments over to him.

2. it's no one on here's business if you work part time. Its your choice. I work four days a week with a 9 and 13 year old and it works great for us.

3. the courts want children to spend quality time with both parents, but quality time is not the same as half the time. If you can make a case of why it is in the children's best interest to mainly live with you then you might well find you don't have to go 50:50. Focus on the fact that you are the primary carer, that you can better meet there needs due to your work hours and that your ex currently does not have them the amount agreed (early drop offs and pick ups)

4. make it clear to your ex what 50:50 means - school holidays, juggling work and sick kids, dentist and Dr appointments etc

Depending on how new the split is you may well find he drops the idea of 50:50 pretty quick. My ex and I agreed to 50:50. Three months after our split he decided that eow would work best for him. Sometimes he makes noises about having them more but two years in that has yet to come to anything.

Ref the house - as the lower earner you will get more in the split. Particularly as your earning potential was reduced when you BOTH decided you would be the primary care giver.

50:50 gets a lot of air time but it is still relatively unusual for a court to award it if both parents aren't in agreement.

Good luck xx

This is really helpful. Thank you. I have been told absolutely by him that the house will be sold within a year so we will definitely be moving. I know my mortgage capacity with my current earnings and we will live where we can for that and whatever part of the equity I get. I think my ex has an idea that I have a lavish lifestyle he finds that I need him to help me maintain. I have very simple needs....the kids less so because they're used to what they have known but it won't do them any harm to have a bit less.

@Runningonjammiedodgers where do you get your information from?

My ex was given CB for one of the children despite the fact he's a high earner and would have to pay it back. This meant I lost my top up UC claim for one of the children and the ability to claim help for childcare... system did not care at all.

My ex was given 50/50 by the court despite parents not being in agreement and a section 7 CAFCASS report stating my ex was emotionally manipulative towards the children, and that the children wanted to keep things as they were (as they were meant in my main care and with their Dad 2 days).

That's just my own recent experience which I have been sharing on here to try and help OP, as I wish someone had told me!

@limoncelloo I for a non profit that provides legal advice. I'm not in an legal role but I chat to my colleagues and see a lot of the case work.

Every court and judge is different but sweeping statements like 'courts favour 50:50/courts always go for 50:50' are unhelpful and not true.

@Runningonjammiedodgers you may think it's unhelpful but the OP needs to be prepared- I can't think of a single person I know who has been through this recently where 50/50 hasn't been awarded if Dad wanted it and there were no safeguarding issues.

I had a solicitor through legal aid as I was a victim of DV from my ex husband. He still got 50/50.

OP needs to prepare a very good case as to why 50/50 isn't in the children best interests, that's all people are trying to say here. Everyone that is giving their experience to try and help OP are telling her that her reasons won't be seen as good enough in the court based on what she has said and our experience.

This is really helpful. Thank you

That post was ill-informed in several ways; please don't put weight on it just because you want it to be true.

60k a year on part time hours many years ago is very impressive OP. Could you not go back to that career? Surely you'd be earning considerably more than 6 figures quite quickly by working full time, no?