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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

50/50 request

140 replies

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:14

My husband has requested 50/50 access to our children. Two girls aged 8 and 10. He currently does 5 nights a fortnight and in my mind struggles a bit with that. He doesn't do their hobbies and things, picks up late and drops back early if he has a lot on. When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends. When we first separated he made noises that I should work full time so that he doesn't have to give me as much equity in the house but I put this down to nastiness (he decided to separate very suddenly and there have been rumours of ongoing affair). He has out of the blue emailed a schedule that includes him having the girls half the time, and on days that I am not working. He is claiming he can work from home. The schedule also makes my 3 day work schedule quite difficult. He earns about 90k a year and I earn 26k a year. He has most of our money as he took it all when he left and I didn't think to close joint account so can afford much more legal fees than me. I have no problem with him seeing the children more but I feel this is financially motivated to avoid child maintenance and to force me back to work full time in order to pay bills. How likely do you think it is he could win the battle. It seems crazy to me that the children should sit in his house watching him work when they could be with me, not working. I have never worked full time. My eldest is having ADHD diagnosis so although she is 10 she needs support to focus on home work and etc. I'm a teacher too so my hours are long. Full time would be a struggle. Those of you who do it are heroes to me. I feel that with £116k between us, that is more than enough to enable the girls to have quality time with one parent and it shouldn't be about just being fair. They aren't possessions in my mind, but children with needs.

OP posts:
Bibbling · 15/02/2023 18:49

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:52

He gives me £700 at the moment and £100 of that goes on hobbies and £300 on childcare. Considering he takes home £4k a month, he isn't really funding me at all. The children, a little, but me no way!

Show quote history

OP are you paying the rent or mortgage. If yes then maybe he should be paying more

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 18:53

Bibbling · 15/02/2023 18:49

OP are you paying the rent or mortgage. If yes then maybe he should be paying more

Show quote history

Yep, currently paying £900 mortgage.

OP posts:
Skodacool · 15/02/2023 18:56

He won't let me talk to them about it. He says it's emotional abuse to ask them how they feel

How is he going to stop you? I don’t think he can control the conversations you have with DC

ivegotthisyeah · 15/02/2023 18:58

I think your getting a bit of a bashing on here OP. You gave up full time earning to ease the whole household not because you wanted to.
Please whatever you do don't increase your hours before the divorce is sorted. I was on the cusp of doing a fourth day as my youngest had started school when I was mid divorce but my solicitor advised me to wait until after. Interesting the day after the court agreed our divorce my Ex was seriously promoted with what I presume would be an even higher salary.
He's playing games don't fall for it do what's right for you and the girls.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 15/02/2023 18:59

Suggest to him that 50/50 will be one week on, one week off. Sunday drop off after tea.

He will be responsible for all childcare, uniforms, clubs etc on his weeks.

This will allow you to work full time without long days

It will also mean your dc with adhd will be more settled and have a better routine

If he wants to do this for fairness, it should be fair for everyone, him, you and most of all the dc

ivegotthisyeah · 15/02/2023 19:00

ChatInMyFlat · 15/02/2023 18:32

This is why so many women on here really encourage women not to give up work when they have children.

Bottom line is that it doesn't matter that he agreed that you gave up work. You aren't together any longer. It just doesn't matter.

£700 is enough to bring up 2 children.. because you obviously need to add £700 to that pot too.

Anything else... thats down to you.

But I died matter and the courts take this into account

ivegotthisyeah · 15/02/2023 19:00

Does matter! Sorry frustrated texting!

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 19:04

Suggest to him that 50/50 will be one week on, one week off. Sunday drop off after tea.

Good idea.

Nimello · 15/02/2023 19:05

When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends

That being the case, there is no reason why he would be awarded 50:50 by any court. It is not in the children's interests for them to undergo such a radical change (in addition to having the trauma of their parents divorcing). The general aim is to maintain the status quo for the children, so far as possible. This means that what you perceive as "fair" doesn't come into it: the only thing that comes into it is what's in the children's best interests. Given that you are the one who is familiar with their needs, in particular those of your DD who is being assessed for ADHD, they should be spending more time with you. It is not in their interests, either, to come home to an empty house or to spend long hours in childcare unless they absolutely have to (which they don't, in your case).

As for the money: what I can't get my mind around is why you have been so passive about this. He can't just take all your joint savings.

There are lots of possible ways to unscramble all of this, but you really must consult a lawyer as soon as possible. The longer you leave this financial mess, the more easy it will be for him to say "but she let me have it, so she doesn't need it", or some other bollocks.

Remember that you are not fighting for this for yourself, but for your daughters. You gave up a higher paid job in order to look after them; you must be compensated for this.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 19:07

Cocobutt · 15/02/2023 19:04

Suggest to him that 50/50 will be one week on, one week off. Sunday drop off after tea.

Good idea.

I think you're right.

OP posts:
limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 19:10

@Nimello my ex worked away and did nothing, and I mean nothing for the children while we were together. He had never even set foot inside their schools. He came home every other weekend and spent that time playing golf or doing whatever it was he wanted.

Court still gave him 50/50.

Nimello · 15/02/2023 19:17

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 19:10

@Nimello my ex worked away and did nothing, and I mean nothing for the children while we were together. He had never even set foot inside their schools. He came home every other weekend and spent that time playing golf or doing whatever it was he wanted.

Court still gave him 50/50.

I'm sorry - that is unusual, and must have been very difficult for you. Courts can be unpredictable, it's true (and judges can make decisions based on all kinds of things that have nothing much to do with the actual facts).

This is one reason why the OP needs a good lawyer. She has a child with additional needs, who will not benefit from spending half her time with a father who fails to keep to her routine.

Someone said upthread 50/50 is the best and fairest option.

It can be, but it often isn't. It's like the Caucasian Chalk Circle - the real (adoptive) mother refuses to tear the baby in half and would rather be without the baby than have the baby come to harm, whereas the biological mother (who doesn't give a shit about the baby) is all in favour, because she gets part of the baby, and that's "fair".

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 19:24

It's not unusual anymore @Nimello. 50/50 is the go to for the courts unless there is a safeguarding concern.

Belindabelle · 15/02/2023 19:45

A family member did 50/50 with changeover day on a Wednesday.

Both parents did live fairly close to each other and as the children got older they could visit the other parent for dinner once or twice a week as agreed.

CatJumperTwat · 15/02/2023 20:05

It's not unusual at all Nimello. It's the expected outcome.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 22:09

KnickerlessParsons · 15/02/2023 18:18

A) plenty of kids do this and
B) there is a financial need. Your finances are separate now and if you need more money, you're going to have to work more.

As an aside, have you considered employing an au pair? It would work out cheaper than childcare, saves money on babysitters, and is a much more flexible option

Show quote history

I don't need more money. I can manage without child maintenance and still work part time. My point is that he is using the children and putting them in a situation that isn't necessary in order to try to manipulate and control me. He uses money as power.

OP posts:
Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 22:12

Nimello · 15/02/2023 19:05

When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends

That being the case, there is no reason why he would be awarded 50:50 by any court. It is not in the children's interests for them to undergo such a radical change (in addition to having the trauma of their parents divorcing). The general aim is to maintain the status quo for the children, so far as possible. This means that what you perceive as "fair" doesn't come into it: the only thing that comes into it is what's in the children's best interests. Given that you are the one who is familiar with their needs, in particular those of your DD who is being assessed for ADHD, they should be spending more time with you. It is not in their interests, either, to come home to an empty house or to spend long hours in childcare unless they absolutely have to (which they don't, in your case).

As for the money: what I can't get my mind around is why you have been so passive about this. He can't just take all your joint savings.

There are lots of possible ways to unscramble all of this, but you really must consult a lawyer as soon as possible. The longer you leave this financial mess, the more easy it will be for him to say "but she let me have it, so she doesn't need it", or some other bollocks.

Remember that you are not fighting for this for yourself, but for your daughters. You gave up a higher paid job in order to look after them; you must be compensated for this.

I am not intending to be passive about it. He is just very intimidating. Even my solicitor says he is. He sends long emails copying in his family, making accusations about my parenting, how I spend my money, threats to sell the house. It's not pleasant so I'm trying not to antagonise.

OP posts:
FlippyFloppyShoe · 15/02/2023 22:37

I don't have 50/50 and I went through court and I think court experiences vary greatly according to different judges. My hours I could show work around the children's school and I worked more than 30 hours, whereas ex worked more hours and they didn't work around the children and they would have to have gone to after-school clubs which I pointed out would deprive them of ever changing enrichment opportunities and choose what they wanted to do after school (football, netball, swimming, music, tutors or life admin) and I would just be sitting at home anyway and if their dad was WFH he would not be able to enjoy quality time with them anyway.
I think many more men will try and go to court for 50/50 now there is more flexible working ie WFH but there is a difference between not working and working whether it be at home or not.
When I finish my time is fully focused on ferrying DC around and they actually do appreciate it. Their dad has definitely improved/put more effort in over the years in his parenting which is nice to see, but I don't want 50/50 because negotiating with him is painful and I would probably still do everything that I do today, but get no money towards it and have to cram it into less time and I actually only have a couple of days a week that the DC can consistently commit to things on.

Teaandtoast3 · 15/02/2023 23:03

Document everything OP. Don’t passively let him off the hook from clearing out the bank accounts. I hope you’ve got a good solicitor? For what it’s worth I think when he had the reality of 50/50 he wouldn’t want it for long… but yes I’d call his bluff. Week on and week off but he needs to maintain their social lifestyle… you might even be awarded more than he thinks even with 50/50.

JanglyBeads · 16/02/2023 00:31

Trying not to antagonise him will only lead to his finding new things to be "angry" over.

You have to call his bluff, be business like the whole time and repeat ad infinitum "Is this in the girls' best interests?"

Fankensense · 16/02/2023 00:51

Just wanted to add that I’ve literally just had my final hearing re. Child arrangements - my ex was asking for 50/50 and didn’t get it, mainly on the basis that it was clearly contrary to what our child wanted. I clearly can’t say what a court would decide in your case, but nor can any of the people very confidently stating he’d get 50/50 - it’s certainly not what happened to us

Wombats67 · 16/02/2023 08:08

Think you're in coercive control territory here, take advice about dealing with communication (emails to a box, only look at it occasionally, that sort of thing) and let him rant on. The more he makes himself look a complete tit, the better evidence. If it gets nasty, police for the appropriate orders or protection.

I would go after the money, if he wants it to be fair.

Take him to court.

vivainsomnia · 16/02/2023 09:14

Sorry OP, but you seem to be coming with excuses.

He pays £700 a month, that's a lot. How can your childcare bill be £600 a month (50/50) if you have them 2 night and him once and surely you can claim UC and help with these costs.

Also as a teacher, you do have some flexibility of taking work home and doing in the evening, or doing linger hours the days they are with their dad. You also have the holidays.

You say it's not about the money but it really is.in any case, your children are coming to an age when they'll be able to decide so you could always give it a try and let them decide what is best for them.

If you claim UC, you will be soon expected to work FT and you also need to think about when they are older. FT is hard, but many many single mums do it. I did it, with little involvement from my ex and no maintenance. It paid off in every way.

millymollymoomoo · 16/02/2023 10:17

It’s perfectly reasonable for a secondary age child to come home everyday and spend a few hours alone! And in after school till 6 is not a big deal
you are making it so to avoid working full time. Your children are not babies

you need to provide for yourself and stop expecting ex to find you to stay part time - a court certainly won’t do this

JussathoB · 16/02/2023 12:10

There’s no reason why someone should have to work full time if they don’t think it’s best for childcare reasons and providing they can afford it. I don’t think the OP is complaining about money, she is complaining about her XH being able to call the shots on how they live their lives. He wants it his way, without taking into account the nuances of how she’s got things set up for herself and the children.

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