50/50 request

[teachermumjuggle]

My husband has requested 50/50 access to our children. Two girls aged 8 and 10. He currently does 5 nights a fortnight and in my mind struggles a bit with that. He doesn't do their hobbies and things, picks up late and drops back early if he has a lot on. When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends. When we first separated he made noises that I should work full time so that he doesn't have to give me as much equity in the house but I put this down to nastiness (he decided to separate very suddenly and there have been rumours of ongoing affair). He has out of the blue emailed a schedule that includes him having the girls half the time, and on days that I am not working. He is claiming he can work from home. The schedule also makes my 3 day work schedule quite difficult. He earns about 90k a year and I earn 26k a year. He has most of our money as he took it all when he left and I didn't think to close joint account so can afford much more legal fees than me. I have no problem with him seeing the children more but I feel this is financially motivated to avoid child maintenance and to force me back to work full time in order to pay bills. How likely do you think it is he could win the battle. It seems crazy to me that the children should sit in his house watching him work when they could be with me, not working. I have never worked full time. My eldest is having ADHD diagnosis so although she is 10 she needs support to focus on home work and etc. I'm a teacher too so my hours are long. Full time would be a struggle. Those of you who do it are heroes to me. I feel that with £116k between us, that is more than enough to enable the girls to have quality time with one parent and it shouldn't be about just being fair. They aren't possessions in my mind, but children with needs.

Do you have good legal representation?

He won't let me talk to them about it. He says it's emotional abuse to ask them how they feel.

Well that never gives you a weekend so no, a court would be very unlikely to support that. One week on, one week off would be the usual pattern for 50/50.

The other way of looking at it is that he is equally their parent and should have 50% of responsibilty for bringing them up. How he makes that work is his concern. You do your 50% and let him figure out his 50% if that is what he wants to do.
ideally, you would reach an agreement in mediation that allows you both to fulfil your parental responsibilities in a way that works for the DC. That is the thing which is important, it is about their best interests.
If he cannot make it work, then it will soon enough revert to the DC being with you most of the time and you can go through CMS anyway. But if it goes to court, there will be an order in place which means DC have to go regardless.

Op, i was in a similar financial situation as you, and my ex husband does fund me so that our girls have someone (me) to come home to. But that's because he's got not an arsehole, but it sounds like yours is. I agree with you, as does me ex, that our family money is still in one pot, and we will give our girls the best life we can from it.

You can say no in mediation. The point above about the DC having a full weekend with each parent is an important one.

At some point, somebody should be talking to the dc about how they feel. They aren’t possessions to be parcelled about as they’re parents desire - they have opinions and wants too. It isn’t easy, but I think you and your ex should find a way to present a united front and let the children know you will support them in what they want. They aren’t very young, your eldest is at the age where courts will start to take their view into account, and so they should get a day too. Especially if the new arrangements are going to make it difficult for your eldest to get to and from school!

A) plenty of kids do this and
B) there is a financial need. Your finances are separate now and if you need more money, you're going to have to work more.

As an aside, have you considered employing an au pair? It would work out cheaper than childcare, saves money on babysitters, and is a much more flexible option

Yes. He says he works hard for that and has worked hard to pay for the house whilst I have had years of drinking coffee with friends. I must have slept through those coffee dates because I remember none of them!

Surely joint account he will be ordered to repay you half?

50/50 is the best and fairest option

For who??!

I absolutely hate this 50/50 is best, approach.

Says who?? Women spend more or less 100% of the time with their kids up to whatever age and then suddenly because “dad” has decided to leave for whatever reason, mum loses her kids 50% of the time.

No it’s not fair, it’s far from fair.

@booboo82 it may be best and fairest for the parents, not necessarily for the children

I feel that every child should get to stay in their PJs on a Saturday and watch Netflix all morning without having to get dressed and switch houses.

@teachermumjuggle I'm afraid that isn't the scenario for many many children, for all sorts of reasons.

They do adjust.

Put the figures into the CSA calculator; you’ll probably find that even if he has them 3/4 nights a week he willl still have to pay towards them. Also are you claiming UC?

to be honest I’d be more concerned about the fact he wiped out your bank account and making sure I got some of that back. Make it a bargaining chip if you can. I’m not sure on legalities but a good solicitor will be able to advise

How about he has them Mondays and Tuesdays. You have them Wednesdays and Thursdays. You alternate Friday to Sunday. That way you always have them on one of your non-working days, and half the time on the other; and you can continue to consistently encourage your daughter to engage with activities on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

No he doesnt get to "not budge" on days you could spend with the children 🙄 it's hardly in anyone's best interests if your unable to see them fucks sake

@teachermumjuggle
The financial split can be made on the basis of full time hours. They can't actually make you work full time though. If your money works part time then stick with it.
I'm a teacher. I get it.
Full time hours mean working 6 days a week.
I'm also divorced and have worked my way up to 80% now kids are secondary age.
Have you checked if you'd be entitled to any benefits?
Try entitledto.com
Make sure you don't lose whole weekends with your kids - you need that down time too.
And if it does end up 50/50, use the time to get ahead on work so you have plenty of free time when kids are with you.
Remember also, just because he says something has to happen one way doesn't mean you have to agree.
Would the following fit your work pattern better?
Him: mon-weds
You: weds-fri
Alternate: fri-mon

This is why so many women on here really encourage women not to give up work when they have children.

Bottom line is that it doesn't matter that he agreed that you gave up work. You aren't together any longer. It just doesn't matter.

£700 is enough to bring up 2 children.. because you obviously need to add £700 to that pot too.

Anything else... thats down to you.

I can honestly see why people stay in unhappy marriages when this is the alternative. No way would I want my kids to have to spend 50% of their time with this tight, selfish fraudster.

I think you seem to care more about losing the maintenance than anything else tbh.

Why not give him full custody and you see them EOW if you think it’s fair?

As a parent I would 100% want to have my DCs 50/50.

He may find that it doesn’t work and wants it to go back to how it was but I do not blame him for wanting to see his kids more.

As a side not what do you do work as earn £26k for 3 days a week?
That sounds great and you can definitely raise the DCs on that.
You say you’ll lose maintenance but you’ll also be feeding them less, using less electricity, petrol etc.

£700 is enough to bring up 2 children.. because you obviously need to add £700 to that pot too.

Why does this always come up on here?

Maintenance is not a 50% contribution to the upkeep of a child.

Its a proportional percentage of a parents income to give the children a relatively equal standard of living in both homes.

Would you expect a cleaner and a Premier League footballer to contribute the same to their child? Because the courts wouldn’t. Other discrepancies may be smaller but the theory doesn’t change.

Sounds like he's just wanting 50/50 so he doesn't have to give you money 😏

Have you tried mediation? See if you can get him to see sense? It does seem silly that he wants his kids to just be at the house when he's not there

To be clear, I don't give a damn about maintenance. I'd have nothing. I don't want my children spending time with a man who wants to have them just so I can't and to save himself a few pound. If he wanted to see them because he wanted to see them then fair enough. But he has openly said otherwise.