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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

50/50 request

140 replies

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:14

My husband has requested 50/50 access to our children. Two girls aged 8 and 10. He currently does 5 nights a fortnight and in my mind struggles a bit with that. He doesn't do their hobbies and things, picks up late and drops back early if he has a lot on. When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends. When we first separated he made noises that I should work full time so that he doesn't have to give me as much equity in the house but I put this down to nastiness (he decided to separate very suddenly and there have been rumours of ongoing affair). He has out of the blue emailed a schedule that includes him having the girls half the time, and on days that I am not working. He is claiming he can work from home. The schedule also makes my 3 day work schedule quite difficult. He earns about 90k a year and I earn 26k a year. He has most of our money as he took it all when he left and I didn't think to close joint account so can afford much more legal fees than me. I have no problem with him seeing the children more but I feel this is financially motivated to avoid child maintenance and to force me back to work full time in order to pay bills. How likely do you think it is he could win the battle. It seems crazy to me that the children should sit in his house watching him work when they could be with me, not working. I have never worked full time. My eldest is having ADHD diagnosis so although she is 10 she needs support to focus on home work and etc. I'm a teacher too so my hours are long. Full time would be a struggle. Those of you who do it are heroes to me. I feel that with £116k between us, that is more than enough to enable the girls to have quality time with one parent and it shouldn't be about just being fair. They aren't possessions in my mind, but children with needs.

OP posts:
OneForTheRoadThen · 15/02/2023 17:52

What do you think his reasons for wanting 50/50 are?

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:52

Bibbling · 15/02/2023 17:50

OP in the nicest possible way, I think you need to wake up to your new reality.
Working full time will of course be difficult, but you need to do it as your ex is clearly not intending to fund you or the children to the extent he is. Activities and clubs can be cut back, it’s not the end of the world. Kids do too much anyways

He gives me £700 at the moment and £100 of that goes on hobbies and £300 on childcare. Considering he takes home £4k a month, he isn't really funding me at all. The children, a little, but me no way!

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/02/2023 17:54

I would make him aware that 50:50 doesn’t always negate maintenance.

When one party is a high earner it can still be awarded.

Funnily enough my exes (and at least three other people I know) demand for 50:50 disappeared right at that moment.

Wombats67 · 15/02/2023 17:56

Why don't you try it?

Refuse to accommodate picking up early or late. If he wants to parent badly, then that's really his decision and much as it's not fair, that's how it is.

Don't let the adhd be an excuse, people with adhd still have to function in the real world. It won't hurt her to have lots of downtime being bored (it helps the brain decompress, being organised all the time is knackering if you've got adhd) and he's probably also got a nd (unless it runs in your side of the family), so in his head, this probably works but it won't and the DC will vote with their feet in a couple of years.

Sounds like he knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. You pay by the opportunity cost of not working to save money, let him fail.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:56

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/02/2023 17:54

I would make him aware that 50:50 doesn’t always negate maintenance.

When one party is a high earner it can still be awarded.

Funnily enough my exes (and at least three other people I know) demand for 50:50 disappeared right at that moment.

That is really interesting. He is determined to delay establishing financial order until my work hours change. He has said that openly.

OP posts:
Wombats67 · 15/02/2023 17:56

to save him money, sorry, forgot words there!

JussathoB · 15/02/2023 17:56

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 17:49

No one is relishing. I'm guessing like myself other posters have recent experience in family court and are trying to tell the OP realistically what will happen.

Show quote history

Ok. I see that there’s evidence that OP may have difficulty getting what she wants. Seems a bit unfair though. With a job in teaching you can’t work from home. It almost seems as if the exH is being deliberately disruptive….

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 17:57

My ex is a "high earner"... way, way more than 4k per month. If you go by your theory OP then there was plenty of money between us for me to continue working part-time and be present for the children, for him to continue what he was doing and pay an amount of maintenance.

But the court does not care... now the children have two parents working full-time. And they live a split life of 50/50.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:58

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/02/2023 17:52

What do you think his reasons for wanting 50/50 are?

He has been very clear in his email to me that it is about fairness and sharing. He has used those words. That concerns me as I think it is about their needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 18:00

limoncelloo · 15/02/2023 17:57

My ex is a "high earner"... way, way more than 4k per month. If you go by your theory OP then there was plenty of money between us for me to continue working part-time and be present for the children, for him to continue what he was doing and pay an amount of maintenance.

But the court does not care... now the children have two parents working full-time. And they live a split life of 50/50.

I am so sorry for you. That is so sad it has happened this way for you and your children.

OP posts:
Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 18:01

Wombats67 · 15/02/2023 17:56

to save him money, sorry, forgot words there!

Partly, and partly competitive. He has always felt the need to compete with me. The problem is, he cleared out accounts when he left and took all the money we had in savings for himself so he has plenty to fight this battle unlike me.

OP posts:
Bibbling · 15/02/2023 18:01

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 17:58

He has been very clear in his email to me that it is about fairness and sharing. He has used those words. That concerns me as I think it is about their needs.

Show quote history

I completely understand your point here - of course it is better not to shuttle kids back and forth all the time and also better to have one parent at home as much as possible. However, this automatically means that one parent gets less access and this is deemed unfair.
Either way it doesn’t matter, you can leave it up to court but you will still likely have to (and for your own future should ) work full time

JussathoB · 15/02/2023 18:03

I really take my hat off to anyone who gets through these court procedures and successfully co parents on 50-50. Sounds very tough to get sorted out.

ElfDragon · 15/02/2023 18:03

OP, have you actually asked what your dc want? If it is about their needs, then they should be asked.

I have outlined that the courts do not always push parents (usually mums, let’s face it) back into work. It has been agreed in my case that I will stay at home. My ex is a very high earner, so it is affordable, and the case was heard and decided on a needs basis. None of my dc wanted more time at their dads than we had agreed (EOW, one night in the week, half of school holidays - although he doesn’t actually do that much, but the opportunity is there for him to do so). They miss him, but do not want more time with him doing the parenting - he doesn’t get things right (for them, their words).

JussathoB · 15/02/2023 18:05

teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 18:01

Partly, and partly competitive. He has always felt the need to compete with me. The problem is, he cleared out accounts when he left and took all the money we had in savings for himself so he has plenty to fight this battle unlike me.

Show quote history

Pity he forgot about fairness when he took all the money in the joint account. I don’t suppose the court would pay any attention to this?

Wombats67 · 15/02/2023 18:07

Yes, I think I would be tempted to go to court, even if I had to represent myself as fairness is a double-edged sword and pinching all the cash doesn't fit with this.

Did he think he had the right because "he earned it", rather than joint marital assets?

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 18:08

ElfDragon · 15/02/2023 18:03

OP, have you actually asked what your dc want? If it is about their needs, then they should be asked.

I have outlined that the courts do not always push parents (usually mums, let’s face it) back into work. It has been agreed in my case that I will stay at home. My ex is a very high earner, so it is affordable, and the case was heard and decided on a needs basis. None of my dc wanted more time at their dads than we had agreed (EOW, one night in the week, half of school holidays - although he doesn’t actually do that much, but the opportunity is there for him to do so). They miss him, but do not want more time with him doing the parenting - he doesn’t get things right (for them, their words).

I am hopeful that at mediation he will accept that my suggestion of 6 nights, in a way that reduces the need for childcare as we're covering eachother rather than overlapping makes sense. I am happy to up it if and when the children want to but being 20 minutes away from the town they have lived in all their lives is worrying them. Plus there is no school bus for my eldest to get to secondary school when she starts in September so it isn't well thought through.

OP posts:
booboo82 · 15/02/2023 18:10

I really don't understand why some women find this so hard ! 50/50 is the best and fairest option , you will need to work to fund yourself just like everyone else has to do I have a feeling this is more about you losing the maintenance money he gives you tbh

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 18:10

JussathoB · 15/02/2023 18:05

Pity he forgot about fairness when he took all the money in the joint account. I don’t suppose the court would pay any attention to this?

Show quote history

No, he said he wou sort it in the financial settlement when he is also awarded half my teacher pension.

OP posts:
waterSpider · 15/02/2023 18:11

(A) he's probably trying to get out of paying children maintenance.
(B) If it does go 50/50, then make it longer sessions, so he has (for example) a week at a time. (week on, week off). 'proper' 50/50s with older children tend to go that way.

ElfDragon · 15/02/2023 18:12

What is his plan for getting your eldest to/from school?

it sounds as though you haven’t actually asked the dc what they want to happen (sorry if I’m reading that wrong), and that would be my starting point. My position was always what the dc needed/wanted, and we make it happen from there.

Original poster
teachermumjuggle · 15/02/2023 18:12

booboo82 · 15/02/2023 18:10

I really don't understand why some women find this so hard ! 50/50 is the best and fairest option , you will need to work to fund yourself just like everyone else has to do I have a feeling this is more about you losing the maintenance money he gives you tbh

No, just the desire to be able to feed my children when he encouraged me ten years ago to give up my £60k job so that he could become a director and travel the world without worrying about who looked after the kids.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 15/02/2023 18:13

Call his bluff. Insist on him maintaining all their activities or equivalents and contact with their friends into the CAO. He might soon find it all too much. Or the children will be so unhappy that they refuse to go.

The system is horrible, but that's how it often works.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 15/02/2023 18:13

booboo82 · 15/02/2023 18:10

I really don't understand why some women find this so hard ! 50/50 is the best and fairest option , you will need to work to fund yourself just like everyone else has to do I have a feeling this is more about you losing the maintenance money he gives you tbh

I really don’t understand why some people don’t realise that there isn’t a “best and fairest option” given that all children and parents are different.

In my case my ex was barely involved in their lives when he lived with us. Couldn’t have told you their friends, their food likes or dislikes, any of their activities, their shoe size or where they went to the doctor or dentist. He probably could have guessed the school on the basis the village only had one. He barely spent any time with them. Didn’t do bedtimes or school run or meal times. To go 50:50 would have been massively unfair on the children.

For a case with two hands on, involved and caring parents the case would be very different.

There is no one “best” option that fits all.

SkankingWombat · 15/02/2023 18:14

I think it would be sensible to start keeping a diary. Note all the late collections, early drop offs, missed clubs. My argument at any court proceedings would be that he isn't even able to manage the current arrangements, let alone even more contact.
My DD has ADHD, and the extracurricular exercise she gets is essential to her sleep, focus, and behaviour. I would also be pointing out the detrimental effect on her well-being that skipping clubs has, and that as a result it is not in her best interests to be put in a position where she misses even more.