50/50 request

[teachermumjuggle]

My husband has requested 50/50 access to our children. Two girls aged 8 and 10. He currently does 5 nights a fortnight and in my mind struggles a bit with that. He doesn't do their hobbies and things, picks up late and drops back early if he has a lot on. When we were together I did everything with the children. I either didn't work or worked part time. He worked full time and then did either cricket or golf at weekends. When we first separated he made noises that I should work full time so that he doesn't have to give me as much equity in the house but I put this down to nastiness (he decided to separate very suddenly and there have been rumours of ongoing affair). He has out of the blue emailed a schedule that includes him having the girls half the time, and on days that I am not working. He is claiming he can work from home. The schedule also makes my 3 day work schedule quite difficult. He earns about 90k a year and I earn 26k a year. He has most of our money as he took it all when he left and I didn't think to close joint account so can afford much more legal fees than me. I have no problem with him seeing the children more but I feel this is financially motivated to avoid child maintenance and to force me back to work full time in order to pay bills. How likely do you think it is he could win the battle. It seems crazy to me that the children should sit in his house watching him work when they could be with me, not working. I have never worked full time. My eldest is having ADHD diagnosis so although she is 10 she needs support to focus on home work and etc. I'm a teacher too so my hours are long. Full time would be a struggle. Those of you who do it are heroes to me. I feel that with £116k between us, that is more than enough to enable the girls to have quality time with one parent and it shouldn't be about just being fair. They aren't possessions in my mind, but children with needs.

That was full time, working in London and I am 11 years out of that now. If I went full time I would earn about 32.

Hi OP - I can empathise with you plenty as a teacher who was p/t at the point of separating with my ex-husband with 3 children 1,6 and 7.

I was f/t within a month of us separating and have subsequently moved up to SLT in order to maintain a lifestyle for the children. We are 50:50 (which I was dead against initially) and there is no maintenance in either direction.

I find f/t significantly easier than p/t - I work at a school who understand on my days with the kids I leave earlier and work much longer hours on the days when they are not with me.

Your concerns around wraparound care and children being home alone are the reality for many many parents and working families, not just single parents. It will take some time to accept an adjusted normal. My ex was initially crap at organising himself when with the kids, but this has significantly improved over time (we are 6 years down the line now). He was a very difficult man at the point of separating but it is far easier now.

I tried to remember that my children had the right to equal access to both of their parents. Getting over the fact that you can’t control how they are patented when not with you is very hard. It gets easier with time.

it sounds very harsh, but the p/t life you describe is one which you established around the needs of your family at the time. That is no longer your family set-up and you will need to be more flexible in your thinking in order to accept a new reality for you and your children.

I think he is a bully and you should not allow him to ‘tell you’ anything about what is going to happen with the kids days or finances. He seems unable to consider what is best for the children, of course it’s ideal they are with you on the days you don’t work. When there is abuse, mediation is not recommended but you might want to have one or two sessions so find out what his strategy is. You will have to show that you’ve had at least one session if/when you get to court.

Read ‘Divorcing a narcissist - the lure, the loss and the law’. It will save you money and time in this process.

You can get a Temporary Order re the money he took from your joint account. He should not be allowed to simply keep this until your final order is signed - if could take YEARS! do it now, before he spends the money. As for the house, you might be able to stay as his mortgage capacity is higher than yours, you will likely be awarded more of the equity. Especially if he is already re-housed, is he renting on his own or with new partner?

As for the 50:50 child arrangement I believe it does not really affect financial split unless it’s more like 70:30 with the kids because you still both need a home for the children to spend time
with you - as for spousal/child maintenance it’s worked out on number of nights child is with you but you can choose to not claim
spousal, and as for child maintenance it’s so little anyway, if he genuinely can’t be bothered with the kids he will probably turn around and say you can have the kids more after a while.

Keep quiet for now re the days, ask for mediation, and from now on keep a note of everything ie late collections etc.

@Mumof3confused you can't "choose" not to claim spousal these days. The courts RARELY award this anymore.

In cases of very, very high earners (which from what OP has said, her ex is not), where one party has not worked for many years, is older, beyond working years then it could be considered. It wouldn't be in OPs case.

So many people giving out misinformation here.

You said in your OP that you've never worked full-time?

Sorry, I meant since having children. Went back to work part time when eldest was 3 months as we couldn't afford me to be on maternity pay on ex's salary. Then stopped working for five years when second was born as he had no flexibility to support me working. Went back to work two days a week after he kept telling me he was sick of financing me to do nothing. Had to up it to three days as I couldn't get any work done in two days. Balance is ok now. Worked full time as an assistant head and owned my own place before we married and earned just a little more than him before we had children.

If she was found to be entitled to it, she could choose not to try and claim it - this not misinformation, if applicable it would form part of negotiations and it may well be that a mum working part time and looking after a child with additional needs could be awarded spousal for a set number of years. It must be assessed on a case by case basis and we don’t have the full facts. Even if it’s rarely awarded now, it’s a conversation that should be had with her legal advisors.

@limoncelloo and that's your experience. My experience is different. OP's experience will be different again. She asked for opinions and advice on this thread so I gave mine. It's different from yours but every bit as valid.

@Runningonjammiedodgers you don't have experience, you aren't legally trained... what you are telling the OP is what you have "heard" basically. You don't know what anyone else that has posted here does for a job and some of us may be more qualified than you to pass comment on this.

Those of us who are actually giving our own solid, recent experience through the family court system, OP doesn't seem to want to listen to but is cherry picking what advice she is grateful for (the advice that tells her what she wants to hear). I'm not the only one who thought your post was misinformed.

Those of us posting are trying to give our experience as I'd say most of us wouldn't want anyone to go through what we have. It's best to be prepared.

The reasons OP has given for opposing 50/50 really won't be seen as enough. She needs to try and angle if differently if she wishes to succeed.

I am appreciative of all advice. I have just thanked people who have given suggestions of actions to take as it is all very helpless at the moment.

@limoncelloo I'm not wasting my Sunday going ten rounds on an internet forum with you.

An update.....after admitting deafeat and agreeing to 50/50 and getting a full time job....just weeks before i start that job, contract signed etc, he now only wants to continue with 5 nights a fortnight after all. Ah.....the juggle is about to get real!!

What a twat. That’s exactly what my ex did, but he went as far as getting to court for the time he wanted. Then took up less than a quarter of it. But it meant until I could get it changed (which took 2 years as they kept giving him chances when he said he really wanted that now…) I had to have our children available at the times in the order.

If you can get that 5 days down on paper so he can’t just mess you about constantly chopping and changing his mind

That is such amazing advice. So sorry you had that. These men are shocking. He has been pushing so much for me to get a job that he has been sending screenshots of jobs I should be applying for to his solicitor as proof that I can work more hours, I am just not trying and now this. Its a little bit mental so any advice on how other people have dealt with these crazy people is so helpful!

The thing to remember now op is that what he 'tells' you to do, you can completely ignore now. You're no longer in that relationship so he holds no power. He tells you to get a job or not to talk to the dc about a particular subject, that's not his decision anymore and he has no control over that. If you don't want to go back to work ft or you do want to talk to the dc about a subject, then that's your decision, not his.

It's very difficult to get out of that mindset.

My ex did the same, wanted 50/50, but it was only when I said 'good idea, I'll have time to further my career. Go out with friends and they gym etc' did he realise he couldn't use that as a weapon against me. He ended up having the dc eow, his choice. As it was too much effort to have them 50/50 and he realised how much it would impact his new and improved lifestyle