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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBExH saying he won’t share his inheritance

135 replies

User0610134057 · 27/09/2022 21:29

4/5 weeks ago I finally got the courage to tell H I would like to separate.
Part of the issue is the dynamic whereby we can’t discuss anything, he dismisses what I think, I can’t say what I think and feel etc as am scared of his reaction.
He is devastated about the prospect of splitting but I hope now is starting to have moments of starting to accept it.
whenever we’ve talked about the practicalities he’s switched into defensive mode which was always my fear. He is incredibly stubborn and can be very vindictive when hurt.

he inherited from his mum about 10 years ago about £150K which went into our house/mortgage. His dad died before that and before his dad died he passed over a house abroad to H. We’d been married about a year. (So was 16 years ago). We sold that house last year and got about £150K from it, but had put money in over the years.

i have been primary carer and H literally did nothing. He is higher earner (by a lot) and has been away from the home a lot.
he now says he’s having 50:50 of the kids and will fight me all the way for that.
i just want kids to be happy but do believe they need a primary base and need me for their emotional needs. They are girls 14, 11, 7, . Eldest has ASD diagnosis, youngest is awaiting assessment. They can be demanding but we are very close.

anyway, he is proposing we don’t involve any solicitors and come to an agreement ourselves. Which is basically that he takes his ‘inheritance’ out then split the rest. So I’d get less than half.
I’ve tried to explain that court was see it as all in the pot and not sure a judge would sign it off especially if we hadn’t taken independent advice but he poo pooed that and said we can do what we like and I can always agree to pay him afterwards.

when I said I wasn’t trying to take him to the cleaners just make sure the girls and I are ok, he talked about drawing up an agreement for him to have half of what my parents leave to me in future as it’s not his fault his parents died in their 60s and it’s not morally right for me to take their money.

i don’t what it to get nasty but I know if I don’t get advice I’ll just feel forced to go along with what he wants but I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

he doesn’t know that I did speak to a solicitor a while back. And she said as primary carer I could potentially get 60% perhaps. But that’s obviously so far from where he is given he doesn’t even want me to have half!
plus I think he has no idea his pension comes into it too.

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 27/09/2022 21:32

Go to mediation. It's cheaper than a solicitor, you come out with something a judge is likely to approve and the mediator will tell STBex that he's living in fantasy land on some of this.

Original poster
User0610134057 · 27/09/2022 21:33

He’s so stubborn I’m worried we could end up in court and spending £100,000 plus.
i asked what if he saw a specialist solicitor who advised he wouldn’t win in court re the inheritance and he said he’d still fight it all the way in court as there’s always a slim chance

it’s also sad and I wouldn’t influence them but I do believe the girls would not like to be with him during the week (and probably a nanny) and if asked would say they want to be with me. But I really hope they’re not put in that position.

OP posts:
SheRasBra · 27/09/2022 21:34

I do think you need legal advice. You know you're entitled to at least half, including the inheritance but ideally you want to keep it reasonably civil, both for you and the girls but also to avoid incurring huge legal costs fighting it out in court. Speak to a solicitor but maybe try mediation early on if that's an option? You risk getting a very bad settlement if you go along with his proposal I think.

Penguinsaregreat · 27/09/2022 21:35

I would use a solicitor.
From what you have written I doubt if he would realistically push for 50/50 shared care. Most men say this as all they think about is how to reduce the amount of maintenance they pay. How will he look after three children 50 % of the time? How will he look after them in school holidays? How will he get them to school, pick them up when they are sick etc etc etc.

loveireland · 27/09/2022 21:36

Could you both maybe put some of this money in trusts for your daughters so you're not actually getting it and it is a safety net for them in adulthood?

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:37

To be fair inheritance is usually excluded, he is somewhat right but as it’s been put into property it’s more complex.

the 50/50 is different. You’re not more entitled than him, the Childrens wishes will be taken into account but 50/50 is very likely

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:37

Penguinsaregreat · 27/09/2022 21:35

I would use a solicitor.
From what you have written I doubt if he would realistically push for 50/50 shared care. Most men say this as all they think about is how to reduce the amount of maintenance they pay. How will he look after three children 50 % of the time? How will he look after them in school holidays? How will he get them to school, pick them up when they are sick etc etc etc.

How will the op? And no most men don’t say this.

PauliesWalnuts · 27/09/2022 21:38

He will know that his pension will be considered - that’s why he doesn’t want a lawyer. He’s hoping that by not mentioning it, that you’ll forget about it.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:40

Op you need to see a lawyer and do this right. You aren’t going to agree. So do it properly.

rwalker · 27/09/2022 21:41

Sorry but chasing inheritance just seems grabby

bg21 · 27/09/2022 21:43

rwalker · 27/09/2022 21:41

Sorry but chasing inheritance just seems grabby

This

MayThe4th · 27/09/2022 21:44

it is of course possible to work things out without a solicitor, we did, but that is very much dependent on you being amicable which it sounds as if you’re not.

I would speak to a solicitor, inheritance is a grey area so you need legal advice on that.

As for 50/50, what do the kids want? They’re old enough at this stage to have a say themselves.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:44

www.divorce.co.uk/your-finances/inheritance

you might win to take his inheritance off him but as said please don’t see this as a slam dunk, the same with the kids, 50/50 is possible.

the only option you both have is see a lawyer and do this right, there is no one answer. He is trying to give you less, you will likely try to take more. You will need to pay lawyers and go to mediation and court likely if you can’t agree.

wormshuffled · 27/09/2022 21:44

User0610134057 · 27/09/2022 21:29

4/5 weeks ago I finally got the courage to tell H I would like to separate.
Part of the issue is the dynamic whereby we can’t discuss anything, he dismisses what I think, I can’t say what I think and feel etc as am scared of his reaction.
He is devastated about the prospect of splitting but I hope now is starting to have moments of starting to accept it.
whenever we’ve talked about the practicalities he’s switched into defensive mode which was always my fear. He is incredibly stubborn and can be very vindictive when hurt.

he inherited from his mum about 10 years ago about £150K which went into our house/mortgage. His dad died before that and before his dad died he passed over a house abroad to H. We’d been married about a year. (So was 16 years ago). We sold that house last year and got about £150K from it, but had put money in over the years.

i have been primary carer and H literally did nothing. He is higher earner (by a lot) and has been away from the home a lot.
he now says he’s having 50:50 of the kids and will fight me all the way for that.
i just want kids to be happy but do believe they need a primary base and need me for their emotional needs. They are girls 14, 11, 7, . Eldest has ASD diagnosis, youngest is awaiting assessment. They can be demanding but we are very close.

anyway, he is proposing we don’t involve any solicitors and come to an agreement ourselves. Which is basically that he takes his ‘inheritance’ out then split the rest. So I’d get less than half.
I’ve tried to explain that court was see it as all in the pot and not sure a judge would sign it off especially if we hadn’t taken independent advice but he poo pooed that and said we can do what we like and I can always agree to pay him afterwards.

when I said I wasn’t trying to take him to the cleaners just make sure the girls and I are ok, he talked about drawing up an agreement for him to have half of what my parents leave to me in future as it’s not his fault his parents died in their 60s and it’s not morally right for me to take their money.

i don’t what it to get nasty but I know if I don’t get advice I’ll just feel forced to go along with what he wants but I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

he doesn’t know that I did speak to a solicitor a while back. And she said as primary carer I could potentially get 60% perhaps. But that’s obviously so far from where he is given he doesn’t even want me to have half!
plus I think he has no idea his pension comes into it too.

I actually think he has a point about the inheritance that's been gained because he parents died earlier and it would be fair for you to share your future inheritance if you are expecting him to share his.

You should definitely push for half the pension though.

HerRoyalNotness · 27/09/2022 21:46

rwalker · 27/09/2022 21:41

Sorry but chasing inheritance just seems grabby

No it isn’t. They’ve been married 16+ years. and it’s been incorporated into their assets. It’s a marital asset. Do not let him railroad you into accepting what he wants. See a solicitor

Snugglemonkey · 27/09/2022 21:47

He is openly saying he has no intention of treating you fairly, or acting in the best interests of the children. Sometimes you have to fight, even when you don't want to. You either let him dictate the terms, or you fight him to do what you think is best for the girls. There is no negotiating with someone like that.

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

ClocksGoingBackwards · 27/09/2022 21:47

You’ve just told him you’re leaving him and he doesn’t want his marriage to end. Is it really realistic to expect him to be happy about the fact that you could now take half of the money left to him by his parents when they died? Do you think the parents that left him that money would want it to go to you?

AlaskanSnow · 27/09/2022 21:48

See a solicitor.

And it's not grabby to be looking at family assets that you've been using for the last 10+ years

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:48

Snugglemonkey · 27/09/2022 21:47

He is openly saying he has no intention of treating you fairly, or acting in the best interests of the children. Sometimes you have to fight, even when you don't want to. You either let him dictate the terms, or you fight him to do what you think is best for the girls. There is no negotiating with someone like that.

I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I’m not sure that’s fair, she wants his inheritance and is saying he can’t have the kids 50%. If the genders were reversed and a man was saying this to a woman I’m sure you’d not say that. Equality is now a thing in the courts.

ArgieBargie · 27/09/2022 21:49

rwalker · 27/09/2022 21:41

Sorry but chasing inheritance just seems grabby

I agree, especially as you’re clearly likely to inherit from your parents which he won’t have any recourse to. I think legally you could get half including the inheritance but that doesn’t feel morally right at all to time; half of everything else and ringfence ‘your half’ of the inheritance in trusts for your daughters seems the fairest option (though tbh I still don’t think actually fair to him)

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 21:49

If an inheritance came into the family 10+ years ago, it's family money. It will be considered assets unless it was legally ring fenced. Nothing 'grabby' about that.

underneaththeash · 27/09/2022 21:49

I’d tell him you’ve spoken to a solicitor who has said you could get 60% of the house, but you’re happy to go 50/50 with all the assets including pension, and if he wants to have the children 50/50 that’s fine too. (He won’t).

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:50

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 21:49

If an inheritance came into the family 10+ years ago, it's family money. It will be considered assets unless it was legally ring fenced. Nothing 'grabby' about that.

That’s simply not true, you can’t just make shite Up and post it. She might win but this is a very grey area of law.

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 21:51

bg21 · 27/09/2022 21:43

This

Show quote history

Also agree.

Do you really think you have a moral right to half his inheritance and all your inheritance?

Do you think your kids will see it that way?

Would you want half your money that you leave to your kids to go to their future ex husbands while their ex husbands also inherit from their own parents?

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:52

Is that what you’re saying op?you want half his inheritance but he can’t have half yours?

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