STBExH saying he won’t share his inheritance

[User0610134057]

4/5 weeks ago I finally got the courage to tell H I would like to separate.
Part of the issue is the dynamic whereby we can’t discuss anything, he dismisses what I think, I can’t say what I think and feel etc as am scared of his reaction.
He is devastated about the prospect of splitting but I hope now is starting to have moments of starting to accept it.
whenever we’ve talked about the practicalities he’s switched into defensive mode which was always my fear. He is incredibly stubborn and can be very vindictive when hurt.

he inherited from his mum about 10 years ago about £150K which went into our house/mortgage. His dad died before that and before his dad died he passed over a house abroad to H. We’d been married about a year. (So was 16 years ago). We sold that house last year and got about £150K from it, but had put money in over the years.

i have been primary carer and H literally did nothing. He is higher earner (by a lot) and has been away from the home a lot.
he now says he’s having 50:50 of the kids and will fight me all the way for that.
i just want kids to be happy but do believe they need a primary base and need me for their emotional needs. They are girls 14, 11, 7, . Eldest has ASD diagnosis, youngest is awaiting assessment. They can be demanding but we are very close.

anyway, he is proposing we don’t involve any solicitors and come to an agreement ourselves. Which is basically that he takes his ‘inheritance’ out then split the rest. So I’d get less than half.
I’ve tried to explain that court was see it as all in the pot and not sure a judge would sign it off especially if we hadn’t taken independent advice but he poo pooed that and said we can do what we like and I can always agree to pay him afterwards.

when I said I wasn’t trying to take him to the cleaners just make sure the girls and I are ok, he talked about drawing up an agreement for him to have half of what my parents leave to me in future as it’s not his fault his parents died in their 60s and it’s not morally right for me to take their money.

i don’t what it to get nasty but I know if I don’t get advice I’ll just feel forced to go along with what he wants but I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

he doesn’t know that I did speak to a solicitor a while back. And she said as primary carer I could potentially get 60% perhaps. But that’s obviously so far from where he is given he doesn’t even want me to have half!
plus I think he has no idea his pension comes into it too.

This! It's not misogyny to say it would be fair to leave his inheritance intact (though I don't support comments on here suggesting she hasn't contributed to the marriage or making assumptions about how much OP has worked) it's about what's right between two people looking at the whole picture. If it were a husband leaving his wife, it would be the same in terms of fairness. OP is blowing up his life. She's entitled to leave, no one has to stay in a relationship if they don't want to
BUT there is piece about how it's done, especially where children are involved. If he's left feeling she's harvesting his late parents' gift, what impact will that have on any future co-parenting relationship? For PPs who say he shouldn't have put it into the house, he no doubt loved and trusted his spouse and felt confident that putting the inheritance into the house was the right and responsible thing to do and, as appropriate, wasn't thinking she'd leave him. She's now made the decision to leave, he hasn't, she has an opportunity to be respectful and sensitive in the way she approaches the division at a time when he'll be absolutely broken.

But the inheritance no longer exists. He spent it. It’s gone.

This isn’t about his having an inheritance in the bank which he doesn’t want her to touch.

This is about his having had an inheritance decades ago, which he spent, and now feels he should be able to have back because his marriage has ended.

It’s not the same at all.

if the husband had inherited and left it in an account the last few years OP and the children wouldn't have had any benefit from this money. The inheritance has benefited the OP directly all this time. Lower Morgage repayments, better quality of life.

Imagine if a partner sat with thousands in the bank while the family struggled to make ends meet. the money hasn't been spent on holidays or essentials - it has been invested in a property. it likely never crossed his mind that the marriage would break up.

There are many options to explore here. ie. keeping the family home until youngest leaves school, with the agreement that it is then sold and at this point the inheritance returns to him and the remains from sale is spilt 50:50 or the inheritance goes into a fund split between the 3 girls and the house is split 50:50

the house is sold and the inheritance and your 50% buys a house but the inheritance is ring fenced for the children and if you remarry have more children that money is safe for his children.

his world has just been turned on its head and he doesnt know what will happen next. he needs to ensure he can afford something large enough for him and the girls and furnish it etc. he wants to make sure that the inheritance stays in his family which includes his children but now excludes you.
He wants to know that he will still have time with the children and wont be written out of their lives in the way he will feel you have written off his future with you.

it is an emotional time - it will benefit resolution if you try and see his perspective and have empathy to how he is feeling. that doesnt mean give into everything but means understanding his concerns and feelings.

You may feel/know that you wouldnt leave money to a new partner over the children but this does happen.

Morally I'd tend to think the first inheritance was a marital asset and divided in 2. Its been 16 years and used for the house and if you hadn't had it presumably you would've paid the mortgage off yourselves. The second inheritance from last year should be his alone. But of course he doesn't get anything from your future inheritance. But then morally does he earn 5 times what you do because you do all the other work in the house and with the kids. Doubt he sees that.

There was no inheritance last year. Read the thread.

The first inheritance was 16 years ago when he inherited a house. he then continued to plough family money (not inherited) into that house.

The second inheritance was 10 years ago and was used to pay down the mortgage on the current family home.

He sold the first house last year and had £150k from it. So actually, given he’d put family money into the upkeep of this house the £150k most definitely isn’t his to keep.

You and he have set up your whole life together with the DCs - chosen a house, made career choices - based on this inheritance being a joint asset. If him taking it all away means you struggling to house the DCs, I doubt the court will be interested in giving it all to him.
I assume your DC1 would be old enough/capable enough to choose where she lives, would she choose with you? If so, 50/50 is entirely moot.

Having worked through this with a friend who had inherited this is what I know.
He has a pension, it can be with more than the house, you get half.
The money went into the family home, 50% plus of the value is almost normally handed to the wife.

The children will have some say, and he can't demanded, it just be agreed.
If you don't use the Solicitor as much as he does it will be his bill and come out of his share, not off the top before the split.
He will have to give you child support. .
He may be shocked at how much childcare costs.
Also you having more free time isn't such a bad thing,
This is a big one, he might be fighting you on things because it gives him a sense of power, take the power away and tell him your fine letting the courts sort it, because your share awarded by the courts will more than cover your fees, no to his getting a share of your inheritance,

My dsis going through the same thing ending her marriage cant leave until house is sold but he doesnt want her to have any of his inheritance that he used to wards the mortgage

ive told her to get legal help because hes unwillingto discuss it-shes a mimium wage worker hes on twice as much-they have one dc

Obviously get a solicitor. But to those saying your future inheritance cannot be included, it can if you do not specify a "clean break" divorce. In that case, future money (inheritance /lottery win) Can be claimed, even if you have been divorced for years!

This is so morally wrong. His mum left him, her child this money, not you.

He has supported you throughout the marriage by providing a sizeable portion of your housing costs, you have already gained by being better off than you would have been without it.

The girls will be looked after when he leaves it to them, the same as any person who inherits.

legally, yes, you can take his mums money that she worked for and provided him with, but morally it is just so grabby.

my husband used his inheritance from his parents to buy our home £80,000 and I wouldn’t consider touching that if we were to divorce. I would take half of the equity minus the inheritance.