STBExH saying he won’t share his inheritance

[User0610134057]

4/5 weeks ago I finally got the courage to tell H I would like to separate.
Part of the issue is the dynamic whereby we can’t discuss anything, he dismisses what I think, I can’t say what I think and feel etc as am scared of his reaction.
He is devastated about the prospect of splitting but I hope now is starting to have moments of starting to accept it.
whenever we’ve talked about the practicalities he’s switched into defensive mode which was always my fear. He is incredibly stubborn and can be very vindictive when hurt.

he inherited from his mum about 10 years ago about £150K which went into our house/mortgage. His dad died before that and before his dad died he passed over a house abroad to H. We’d been married about a year. (So was 16 years ago). We sold that house last year and got about £150K from it, but had put money in over the years.

i have been primary carer and H literally did nothing. He is higher earner (by a lot) and has been away from the home a lot.
he now says he’s having 50:50 of the kids and will fight me all the way for that.
i just want kids to be happy but do believe they need a primary base and need me for their emotional needs. They are girls 14, 11, 7, . Eldest has ASD diagnosis, youngest is awaiting assessment. They can be demanding but we are very close.

anyway, he is proposing we don’t involve any solicitors and come to an agreement ourselves. Which is basically that he takes his ‘inheritance’ out then split the rest. So I’d get less than half.
I’ve tried to explain that court was see it as all in the pot and not sure a judge would sign it off especially if we hadn’t taken independent advice but he poo pooed that and said we can do what we like and I can always agree to pay him afterwards.

when I said I wasn’t trying to take him to the cleaners just make sure the girls and I are ok, he talked about drawing up an agreement for him to have half of what my parents leave to me in future as it’s not his fault his parents died in their 60s and it’s not morally right for me to take their money.

i don’t what it to get nasty but I know if I don’t get advice I’ll just feel forced to go along with what he wants but I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

he doesn’t know that I did speak to a solicitor a while back. And she said as primary carer I could potentially get 60% perhaps. But that’s obviously so far from where he is given he doesn’t even want me to have half!
plus I think he has no idea his pension comes into it too.

Huge amount of ignorance on this thread. What matters is that your respective needs for housing and pension are met as best as is possible with the resources you have. Frankly who got what and how and where is utterly irrelevant when it comes to ensuring the children of the marriage are housed sufficiently. I would refuse to discuss finance with him at all, engage a lawyer and have them speak to his lawyer and let that be the end of that. The longer he refuses to understand reality, the more expensive it will be, if he wants to give his inheritance to lawyers instead of housing his children, no one can stop him.
Your older children will have a say in who they want to live with, and he will have to evidence how he plans to manage to care for them 50/50 if he has never done so before.

He might not have looked after the children but he has worked long hours to support the family and enabled the op to not work. Therefore he could cut his hours so that he can look after the children 50:50.We forget that if you choose to stay at home and look after the kids your partner is having to take 100% responsibility and the stress for supporting you. I’m not sure which is the harder option to be honest.

his inheritance is a family asset. You might not even inherit if your parents need care

@CandyLeBonBon not sure I follow on the emotional blackmail comment? Pleased for you that you feel your settlement was fair and equitable.

I agree with PPs that just because OP might have a legal argument the inheritance should be included in the pot doesn't make it morally right or fair that she does. What a court can decide and what's genuinely fair between two people can look different. She's leaving a partner she no doubt made a long term commitment to. Perhaps it would be more 'fair' to him for her to recognise that's a significant loss in itself and consider his request to ringfence the gift his late parents left him. She doesn't want to because she wants to get the best possible financial settlement for herself. It's up to her if she wants to pursue that, but just because she can doesn't mean she should.

As will she, as she will need to work and support them.

op isn’t “going after” an inheritance - the inheritance has ceased, it is and has been for some time, a marital asset.

So he has put over all £300 k of his inheritance over the years into the house what do you want from him ? Do you want to stay in the house ?is it mortgage free, do you work and pay into the family pot for bills etc so little info just that he has paid put inheritance for family home .

Op. I think the clear answer here is

see a lawyer

it’s not clear cut you will get his inheritance. You likely have a good chance for rhe one put into the mortgage 16 years ago but much less chance to take any 0f the 150k from last year
the children will likely be asked, and unless abuse, it’s highly likely he will get 50%
a court will want a clean break you will be expected to maximise your earnings and support yourself and rhe kids for 50% of the time. You need to explain how you will do that, as will he. You both need to provide care as you work.
your future inheritance, could come into play if you go after his.by going after his you bring yours into play

so see a lawyer. As there is no simple answer here. Morally a lot of people will take issue with you trying to take his inheritance, others will have less qualms, a court could go either way, But for sure, inheritance is treated very differently, directly because of that moral question.

It may only have been sold last year, but it was inherited 10 years ago. It has been part of their joint assets since. It isn't pretty, but nothing is about divorce.

I would be surprised if she got any of that; he only took the money out a year ago, but again, it’s up to the court. Neither you or I can guess.

I’m separating from my STBXH. He sounds very similar to yours. Likes being in charge, doesn’t like any opposition does not treat me as an equal and is VERY reactive. I usually just keep my mouth shut to keep the peace.

When I went to see a solicitor I got a lecture from my husband on how all solicitors want to make it adversarial and it would cost a fortune, while saying at the same time I would have to take him to court if I wanted to sell the marital home.

He went to see a solicitor, seemed to calm down, then decided not to use her when he got a quote, did the petition on line and is now suggesting mediation. We are not short of money.

There are qualified mediators which I’m happy to use, but I will check it over with my solicitor whatever happens. I think that because he can read a website, he honestly thinks he doesn’t need a solicitor. His self confidence is off the scale.

The reason I am telling you this is that it all sounds familiar to your story. A husband who thinks that he can bend you to his will by sheer force of personality. My recommendation, bide your time and gently do what needs to be done. My husband after 6 months is still coming to terms with the spanner I’ve thrown into his retirement plans. He is mostly angry and sorry for himself. Don’t argue or disagree with him. Say, ‘I’ll think it over’ or I’ll have to check that with my solicitor”.

I agree with others that the pension pot could be bigger than you think. I am entitled to 50% of my husbands pension and the marital assets.

I also received a smallish inheritance about 4 years ago. It went into an account in my name. I don’t know yet if that will be included in the marital pot. He is due an inheritance five times the value of mine but that’s neither here nor there unless it happens before the divorce.

He is due an inheritance five times the value of mine but that’s neither here nor there unless it happens before the divorce

this is not correct, you maybe entitled to it and your lawyers would seek mediation, I’d see a new lawyer if I was you you are getting bad advice.

I do work. I’m was part time in a public sector profession but recently went full time, I obviously had 3 lots of maternity leave and I do feel that my career has had to massively take a back seat because of his long working hours and travel.
even though I’m full time now it’s very flexible with flexi time and wfh so I can fit round the kids.

lots of food for thought on the thread.
i just want enough to get a decent house for the kids to have their own rooms.

i don’t want them to be put in the position but I know that the kids would want to be with me if asked. That’s not me saying he ‘can’t’ have them 50/50 it’s just totally unrealistic given he can barely cope if I go out for the day.

if they were happy then I’d adjust to 50/50 - they can be very intense and it would be amazing in some ways to be able to focus on work more and have a social life. But I don’t think it would be in their best interests. He cannot meet their emotional needs and they have expressed this to me too. It links to the reasons I am leaving.

how would it even work with me promising him half of my future inheritance? Is that a thing? And of course there’s no guarantee I would get anything! I have siblings and 5 years care home fees would wipe it out!

im happy to take less than I ‘could’ get, I just want my girls to be able to have a bedroom each (especially because of the ASD).

as I said I did speak to a solicitor who just said that as it was 10 years ago and went into the house it would be ‘in the pot’. We didn’t discuss the house abroad that was transferred while his parents were still alive 16 years ago and sold last year (proceeds also largely gone into paying down the mortgage).

@sleepymum50 he sounds very similar.
i know h is genuinely upset but j think he also can’t believe I’ve stood up to him and am standing my ground (in terms of separating and currently sleeping in another room).
he has told me many times I’m wrong, I’m making a mistake, I’m going to regret it.
how much he loves me. But I can’t reconcile that with him hardly speaking 2 words to me but still expecting sex and the way he has treated and spoken to me at times. That is not how you treat someone you love.

Anyway I digress, I know the legal side isn’t about any of that.

i want to be fair and I want it to be as least acrimonious as possible but don’t want to regret just going along with what he says as it will impact on my dds quality of life.

We didn’t discuss the house abroad that was transferred while his parents were still alive 16 years ago and sold last year (proceeds also largely gone into paying down the mortgage).

you prob should have been more open with the lawyer. And also if you’re saying you want a four bed house you may struggle.

im sure the kids are better with you but that’s a hard argument . As said this isn’t clear cut, please don’t assume it is. Speak to a lawyer and be completely open.

It wasn’t about being open with the lawyer, it was about having a half hour free consultation and not getting a chance to discuss everything.

i will clearly need to take more advice even though he’s telling me not to. I suppose with the house abroad I just thought as it wasn’t inheritance (was transferred/sold to him when both his parents were alive) it was something that has been ours for 16 years, I’m not sure if my name was on the deeds of the house but my name was definitely on the mortgage for it.

for someone who asked upthread, I don’t want to stay in this house, I wouldn’t be able to manage the bills plus this has not been a happy house for me. Neither of us could buy each other out. We are fortunate that there’s enough equity that we could both get a 4 bed house with half the proceeds. Me just about, him definitely as he would be able to afford a mortgage. We’re both full time now and he earns 5 times what I do.

and I take the point about 4 bedrooms sounding excessive with wanting the girls to have their own rooms. But honestly with the autism it would be very difficult without, and they do need their own space.

Perhaps your own parents can help you out now rather than later?

It wasn't very nice to let him put his inheritance into the mortgage last year if you were planning to leave.

Nice isn't what the law is based on and you stand a good chance of taking at least part of his inheritance.

I know you say he is controlling but he actually seems quite naive. Who would pay all their inheritance into joint money with a partner if they didn't implicitly trust them? Is he also on the spectrum?

Absolutely this.

I’ve been in a similar situation - the inheritance was incorporated into our assets. Long and complicated story, but don’t be railroaded into any informal agreement or be told you’re being ‘grabby’. You’ve shouldered all the childcare so he can pursue his career. You are more than entitled to enough to see you and the girls straight.

You could do with advice but IME most if not all solicitors are shit and not worth the money (sorry any who are on this thread, maybe you are the rare exception but I doubt it). Not sure what I’d advise there!

You MUST agent solicitors . Sounds like you need financial advice .

He is clearly trying to scam you from what you are legally entitled to

Forget what he wants. It's what you and the girls need that's important. Of course he's trying to put you off seeing a solicitor because that'll work against him. Ignore him and make an appointment. Pay no attention either to the comments here apart from SEE A SOLICITOR.

My ex did all this crap, took me to court twice. I won.

Not sure where the assumption came that I haven’t worked.

i have always worked apart from mat leave and shouldered all the childcare, house stuff and the emotional load. He has never ever taken a day off because of a child being sick despite me asking multiple times to share it because I’ve had important work meetings where cancelling means letting people down.

but like I say, food for thought on the moral question of his inheritance from his mum.

the house abroad - it seems more complicated as we put our collective money into it over the years. Had to put money in each year to cover it and pay the mortgage.

and as for ‘letting him’ put it into our mortgage: he didn’t discuss it with me or talk to me about it, I didn’t know he was going to do that. That’s how finances work here.

This is such nonsense and the argument could be made against either of them. The law doesn’t state it’s a scam if the man just doesn’t give the woman every thing she wants.

The law is not punitive.

Assets split 50/50 as a starting point but with inheritance removed and considered separately. Both parties expected to work and provide care, custody at this age is also subjective, both parents will argue they are best placed. Him having rhe means to provide the living arrangements needed for the kids welfare. The op arguing she’s better at emotional support but likely not able to provide the living arrangements.

as said, it’s not clear cut.

I would have the means to provide the living arrangements with 50/50. And if I got less because of the inheritance issue…. would be more difficult but still possible.

This is really worrying.

I am putting myself in your stbeh shoes. And the thought of having my marrige breakdown and then the inheritance be split is such a concern. I trust my other half and inheritance would be used for the family as needed.
But i can just imagine my mother turning in her grave if he left and took half that inheritance.

I really think you need to reconsider this.
If the money had gone on a holiday or day to day living would be one thing but it has been invested in family home which is no longer needed. Part of leaving your husband is accepting your current lifestyle will change. Smaller home is part of it.

I would seek to separate the 2 issues. At 14 and probably at 11 the girls will get a say in what they want to do. It might be useful to push the 7yr olds assessment before this happens (although I know ownthose cogs turn very slowly).

You are entitled to a starting point of 50% of the marital assets - which will include the inheritance if it has been put into the family house. And the house abroad should absolutely be included as your family.money was spent on it. Make sure he submits a form E and declares everything on it - completely! A judge or mediator will want to ensure that everyone particualry the girls are adequately housed. They will seek minimal disruption to them - such as the need to change schools (particualry given SEN) assuming assets allow. Given what you say about the current house being large enough for you both to buy a 4 bed on your current salaries - I would say that's a significant point.

Rightly or wrongly inheritance yet to be recieved cannot be included. And you should avoid any off the record agreements with him as you do not know what the future holds.

Realistically he is trying to put you off seeking advice as he knows his proposal will not float - making commitments to pay him back what a judge awards you is just insanity!