STBExH saying he won’t share his inheritance

[User0610134057]

4/5 weeks ago I finally got the courage to tell H I would like to separate.
Part of the issue is the dynamic whereby we can’t discuss anything, he dismisses what I think, I can’t say what I think and feel etc as am scared of his reaction.
He is devastated about the prospect of splitting but I hope now is starting to have moments of starting to accept it.
whenever we’ve talked about the practicalities he’s switched into defensive mode which was always my fear. He is incredibly stubborn and can be very vindictive when hurt.

he inherited from his mum about 10 years ago about £150K which went into our house/mortgage. His dad died before that and before his dad died he passed over a house abroad to H. We’d been married about a year. (So was 16 years ago). We sold that house last year and got about £150K from it, but had put money in over the years.

i have been primary carer and H literally did nothing. He is higher earner (by a lot) and has been away from the home a lot.
he now says he’s having 50:50 of the kids and will fight me all the way for that.
i just want kids to be happy but do believe they need a primary base and need me for their emotional needs. They are girls 14, 11, 7, . Eldest has ASD diagnosis, youngest is awaiting assessment. They can be demanding but we are very close.

anyway, he is proposing we don’t involve any solicitors and come to an agreement ourselves. Which is basically that he takes his ‘inheritance’ out then split the rest. So I’d get less than half.
I’ve tried to explain that court was see it as all in the pot and not sure a judge would sign it off especially if we hadn’t taken independent advice but he poo pooed that and said we can do what we like and I can always agree to pay him afterwards.

when I said I wasn’t trying to take him to the cleaners just make sure the girls and I are ok, he talked about drawing up an agreement for him to have half of what my parents leave to me in future as it’s not his fault his parents died in their 60s and it’s not morally right for me to take their money.

i don’t what it to get nasty but I know if I don’t get advice I’ll just feel forced to go along with what he wants but I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

he doesn’t know that I did speak to a solicitor a while back. And she said as primary carer I could potentially get 60% perhaps. But that’s obviously so far from where he is given he doesn’t even want me to have half!
plus I think he has no idea his pension comes into it too.

It must be terrible to have a husband who pays off part of the mortgage with his inheritance without even asking. The cheek of it, hey. But more fool him!

It doesn't sound like you're splitting up because there are other people involved, more that you're not happy with the relationship. You walking away is a massive shock - I imagine you've been unhappy for a while, but he probably hasn't realised the extent of this. This isn't a reason to stay, but it is useful context for his emotional reaction.

He's losing his wife. He can't stop that. Potentially he's losing his children unless he goes for joint custody. You can understand that kneejerk reaction. You talk about a primary base - have you considered nesting? It's where the children stay put 100% of the time and the parents move in and out. If you can resolve this amicably, it's a controversial option, but it might be one worth considering given your children's needs.

Regarding the inheritance - it sounds like he's an orphan and you have two parents, so he's undergone two traumatic life events and all he has to show for that is money, which you are now trying to take away. I can understand him not wanting to share. His parents are already gone, and it feels like you're trying to take what's left of them, along with you and his kids.

He must feel like his universe is collapsing right now.

Is there any way to discuss the inheritance money somehow going to the kids (and not you)? I.e. the money is still used to put a roof over their heads (his parents' grandchildren) but you don't take a permanent slice. Effectively it benefits you for another 10 years, but emotionally, his parents are supporting his children rather than his soon-to-be-ex-wife.

I don't think it's unreasonable for his inheritance to effectively be ringfenced for the kids, and for you to take a share of all other marital assets (including his pension), but I do think it feels wrong for you to try to claim a chunk of what is effectively his compensation for being a orphan. Legally, you probably have a case. Morally, it feels wrong. And if it doesn't feel morally right, it's going to impact on how the two of you get on following the divorce. You want to walk out of this being able to interact with each other civilly so you can co-parent effectively.

Some of these laws are just dumb, and half the time I wonder which drunkard in thr 1500s wrote the laws surrounding assets in divorce.

Sometimes just use your morals and think about your children.

Exh and I did everything ourselves, no courts.
Both our parents paid towards our house so when we split, we each took out wat our parents gave (like an inheritance let's say but whilst living), kept our respective shares of what our parents gave us, and then split 'our' share in the middle 50/50. Either way, it'll go to our DD in some form or another in the future. So let's say exh parents gave 20k and mine gave 40k, we took those amounts back on behalf of our parents and split the rest in the middle. IMHO that's the fairest way of all.

Personally, it is INCREDIBLY grabby to want a share of someone else's inheritance regardless of whether it came during your marriage or not.
Think about what impression this leaves on your children.

Your ex is a dick, I'm glad you are leaving him. But don't agree to that

Not when it's been part of the family finances for so long. No way

I bet he's kicking himself.

I have no idea what you are entitled to legally.

But I don't think it's unfair or unethical of him to want to keep his inheritances out of the equity split and have 50% care of his children.

When you imagine your daughters eventually inheriting from you, what would you want to happen if their husbands then left them and claimed half of it?

You only dumped him 5 weeks ago and you’re trying to take money he got because he lost his parents before they reached old age. Poor guy.

You have told your husband that you want to separate and get a divorce. Since you got married you had 3 children. I could I imagine with a asd child and possibly a 2nd child also with asd that at times you find things hard going.

During your marriage your husband seems to have gone up the career path. He has worked long hours and travelled also. Meanwhile you were at home doing all the wife duties and dealing with your asd children probably a lot of time on your own.
You had enough of him treating you poorly and probably taking you for granted.

He is not happy with you wanting a divorce. He does not want you getting legal advice because despite what he thinks you're entitled to a settlement. You want to ensure that your daughters can stay in their school even if the family home has to be sold and you move to somewhere close by. You know that your children need separate rooms because at times they need some alone time to cope better.

In your case I would go to a solicitor specialising in family law and get their advice on what you and your children are entitled to. Bring them all your financial details so they get a full picture of what you have currently including his pension. It may cost a bit for their advice but you need to think of your future and your children's.
Do let him try to pull a fast one on you and your kids long term.

This thread is a good example of why Mumsnet is a shite place to ask for advice. There are some lovely helpful posters but there are some really snide mean spirited posters who seem to get a kick out of being nasty.

Even if you disagree with an OP you don't have to be so sharp. It's pathetic.
There are also too many posters who love to confidently give advice about things they know jack shit about.

I agree. There's some extremely nasty posters on this thread.

I've never been especially materialistic (I've never asked DC's biological father for a penny, as an example). However, I don't think this is as simple as "OP is trying to snatch her STBEXH's inheritance". Did no one read the bit about how they've put their money into the second property over the years - it may be the husband's inheritance but OP has financially contributed to keeping it running for 16 yrs. That is absolutely a marital asset, morally, imo.

The comment about OP being grabby as she hasn't contributed as much financially is especially bitchy. Women often find their own career takes a back seat because they enable their husbands to have high flying careers by providing childcare cover, sorting out the school stuff, running the house etc. A child isn't just the woman's responsibility - the father is equally responsible too. And while he's been working away, working long hours, those three children still have needs - and bearing in mind two of them are autistic, then the care burden is likely to have been pretty substantial. And that's on top of the OP continuing to work throughout.

Absolutely horrible insinuating that she's contributed less to the marriage. Pure misogyny.

Re the 50/50 shared care - if the girls are more familiar with OP as their primary carer, and their dad isn't switched onto their emotional needs, it's not unreasonable at all for OP to be reluctant for 50/50. A later comment from OP indicating that his lack of emotional capacity is partly the reason for the split supports the fact further that 50/50 would be wholly inappropriate. Three daughters, two of whom are autistic, and a dad who hasn't been around very much - it's not exactly the ideal set up for 50/50 shared care.

I do agree there are considerations around the ethical implications of the inheritance and whatever the legalities of the situation, you might want to think about that OP, and what feels "right" to you. Clearly by contributing to one of the properties over the years, that is less of an inheritance, and more of something that partly should be shared by you. The other property which was more of a traditional inheritance, I'd say from a moral perspective, I'd probably be inclined to let him have that. But that's just me. Letting him keep that first inheritance, but going for 60% of the residual shared assets including his pension, with you shouldering more of the care/custody of the girls feels like an outcome which would be morally fairer, imo.

Please do get legal advice and don't be pushed into something that suits him. Keep the wellbeing of your girls in the forefront of your mind if you feel yourself being bullied - it's easier to stand firm when you're fighting for your DC. It sounds as if you've sacrificed a lot over the years, he has his huge salary which you enabled him to reach. Don't sell yourself - or your daughters - short now. Good luck.

I think I’ve just walked into an alternative universe.

The amount of misogyny on this thread is mind blowing.

so, a woman sacrifices her career in order to bring up 3 children, two of which are autistic, while he is able to work all hours and earn 5 times as much as she does, and she’s grabby because she hasn’t contributed financially? Wtf? Is this all life is about to some people then? How much money you provide? Never mind how shit a partner or parent he was, just as long as he gave them all plenty of money, and how dare they want a part of it when the marriage ends.

As for the inheritance, it’s gone. We’re not talking an inheritance from a year ago, we’re talking about an inheritance from 10/16 years ago. He put that inheritance into the family pot it’s not an inheritance any more. If he wanted to keep it for himself he should have ring-fenced it.

Where do we draw the line? If he’d paid for the wedding out of his inheritance should the OP relinquish it back in the equity from the property? Regardless of how much it was?

If he paid £150k towards a medical procedure the OP needed should he be able to take that out of the family pot now that they’re divorcing.

He chose to spend the inheritance. Now it’s gone.

And no, there is absolutely no claim to be had on a potential future inheritance, you don’t get to make claims on future finances once the marriage has ended, unless your financial settlement hasn’t been concluded. My eXH tried to pull that one. Decided that he had a right to 50% of all future profits from my business which I hadn’t actually got off the ground at that point.

As for 50/50, I’m all in favour of that when it works, but it’s a bit ironic that a man who has never done anything towards looking after his children suddenly claims that he wants them 50% of the time, A hands-on father is one thing, and is totally understandable, but one who isn’t likely has one motive. The lack of a need to pay maintenance.

I would absolutely engage a solicitor. And would just ignore everything he says. Make this all official, that way there’s no room for ambiguity.

I can see both sides but presumably OP has already benefited from the inheritance by not having had to work in 2 decades?

What's the options of you going back to work OP?

You seem to have missed some of the OP's comments. She's always worked, she's just had to be the one to flexible to accommodate their DC and so hasn't been able to pour her energy into building her career in the same way as he has. As a result, his salary is now x5 what her salary is.

She plans to continue working F.T. She hasn't been sitting on her arse living off his hard-earned cash. She's worked, run the house, looked after three DC - two of whom are autistic - while he works long hours and does very little emotionally or practically (by the sounds of things).

Exh and I did everything ourselves, no courts
Both our parents paid towards our house so when we split, we each took out wat our parents gave (like an inheritance let's say but whilst living), kept our respective shares of what our parents gave us, and then split 'our' share in the middle 50/50. Either way, it'll go to our DD in some form or another in the future. So let's say exh parents gave 20k and mine gave 40k, we took those amounts back on behalf of our parents and split the rest in the middle. IMHO that's the fairest way of all
I agree and well done to you both for being reasonable adults about it all.

Personally, it is INCREDIBLY grabby to want a share of someone else's inheritance regardless of whether it came during your marriage or not
Think about what impression this leaves on your children
Yep.
Though I'm not sure about the impression on the children because the OP will ensure she frames it in a way that benefits her. The denial of 50/50 will help 🤷‍♀️

It’s quite amazing isn’t it the amount of posters who always suggest that a woman should get married in order to protect her financial interests. Especially if she is e.g. moving into his house. And now that a woman is rightfully taking what she is entitled to out of the marriage she is being called grabby, entitled, and accused of not contributing anything because instead of building a career she sacrificed some work hours in order to bring up the children.

I wonder what the response on the relationships board would be if someone posted that their husband had inherited £300k between 16/10 years ago and wanted to now spend it all on himself. Presumably it would be grabby to even consider that someone might want to invest some of their inheritance in the family home while they were still married.

You make decisions when you are married. Those decisions don’t become null and void just because you’re divorcing.

I can’t help think this thread is largely populated by bitter men.

Goodness, the self appointed morality experts “it’s grabby” or whatever- what utter tosh. OP, ignore what’s “grabby” and go and get some advice about what the legal situation is. That his parents had the misfortune to die while you were married and their money went to their son who then put it into the family assets while yours are still alive is neither here nor there. If he wanted that money to be kept seperate, he should have just kept it seperate.

To those saying his pension is “theoretically” the same as your future inheritance, that’s also utter garbage. His pension is part of the remuneration he was paid for his work, enabled and facilitated by the setup at home which left you the lower earning partner.

relationship breakdown does no one any good. But if it’s happening please ignore advice about what is “grabby” and make sure you simply claim what you are entitled to, seeing as you are likely (from what has been said) to end up as RP with responsibility for your children. I think the advice to seek mediation (in order to avoid exorbitant legal bills) is a good plan which will hopefully convince your ex that it’s not worth fighting to take every penny he can. If it looks like he’s going to fight and cost you both £50k in legal bills then think of that as dead money to negotiate with maybe? If you are looking at losing that money anyway, and you can offer it to him to keep the whole thing amicable, then you end up with a clean settlement and financial break, it might be worth it to you.

But that’s what it comes down to- what will be worth it to you, given you are the only one who knows the ins and outs of what it will cost you to setup a new life with your kids etc.

Oh dear this kicked off during the night was some very emotional and erroneous posts.

op, see a solicitor. There is no way round the fact you will have to. That’s the best advice mumsnet can give you.

Inheritance is a very grey area, as is future inheritance, which could be potentially included now if it is currently foreseeable, or he may have a claim later if no consent order is signed, if he refuses to sign a consent order legally he could have a claim on future inheritance.

it’s not about whether it’s grabby or not, we all have different views on that, but there is a moral element which does come into play which is what drives the law here to consider inheritance separately and why there is no clear answer any one can give you.

Thank you all.

i will see a solicitor and will also think about what ‘feels right’. I know I’m not being grabby, I only want what I need and there is plenty to go around.

wrt to future inheritance my own mum’s mum recently passed away at 100 so my mum inherited in her early 70s, and H is 10 years older than me so it could potentially be a long way off!

You're not being grabby.

Pay for an hour with a solicitor, and go through everything with them. I would be very surprised if they didn't suggest 50:50 as a starting point.

Unless you've specified it in the consent order, neither of you can claim on future inheritance. There's specific wording to that effect in the consent order.

Honestly some people on here 🙄

I highly recommend Mediation, it's a lot less expensive and adversarial than going through lawyers... but definitely see one first.

They've owned the house the whole time they've been married (16 years) , she has used it and paid for upkeep etc. A house is an asset. So I can't see how when they sold it is relevant.
This is the point of marriage. All assets become joint.

All assets don’t automatically become joint, inheritance is considered separately and a consent order needs to be signed. She can’t force him to sign one.

You aren't being grabby. Some posters seem to misunderstand what equitable means - it means both parties come out if the marriage able to provide a similar living standard for children, not they come out with equal asset split.
It seems like MN is becoming overrun by bitter divorced men sometimes so i don't think the responses on here are based in reality.

You’re wrong.

Inheritance can be a grey area in terms of that if the money has been inherited and as kept as such then it can (there are no guarantees) be kept separately.

But if the inheritance has been invested in the family home then the family home is an equal asset of the marriage, and if that’s where the inheritance has gone then that’s just too bad, and it becomes an asset of the the marriage.

Also, every time I read the thread title I think that dh needs to be set straight somewhat.

STBExH saying he won’t share his inheritance

He doesn’t have an inheritance.

He inherited a house and some money over a decade ago, and he spent it. Ergo, he had an inheritance. The end.

If he’d spent it anywhere else he would have no recourse to get it back when the mood took him. This is no different.