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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBExH saying he won’t share his inheritance

135 replies

User0610134057 · 27/09/2022 21:29

4/5 weeks ago I finally got the courage to tell H I would like to separate.
Part of the issue is the dynamic whereby we can’t discuss anything, he dismisses what I think, I can’t say what I think and feel etc as am scared of his reaction.
He is devastated about the prospect of splitting but I hope now is starting to have moments of starting to accept it.
whenever we’ve talked about the practicalities he’s switched into defensive mode which was always my fear. He is incredibly stubborn and can be very vindictive when hurt.

he inherited from his mum about 10 years ago about £150K which went into our house/mortgage. His dad died before that and before his dad died he passed over a house abroad to H. We’d been married about a year. (So was 16 years ago). We sold that house last year and got about £150K from it, but had put money in over the years.

i have been primary carer and H literally did nothing. He is higher earner (by a lot) and has been away from the home a lot.
he now says he’s having 50:50 of the kids and will fight me all the way for that.
i just want kids to be happy but do believe they need a primary base and need me for their emotional needs. They are girls 14, 11, 7, . Eldest has ASD diagnosis, youngest is awaiting assessment. They can be demanding but we are very close.

anyway, he is proposing we don’t involve any solicitors and come to an agreement ourselves. Which is basically that he takes his ‘inheritance’ out then split the rest. So I’d get less than half.
I’ve tried to explain that court was see it as all in the pot and not sure a judge would sign it off especially if we hadn’t taken independent advice but he poo pooed that and said we can do what we like and I can always agree to pay him afterwards.

when I said I wasn’t trying to take him to the cleaners just make sure the girls and I are ok, he talked about drawing up an agreement for him to have half of what my parents leave to me in future as it’s not his fault his parents died in their 60s and it’s not morally right for me to take their money.

i don’t what it to get nasty but I know if I don’t get advice I’ll just feel forced to go along with what he wants but I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

he doesn’t know that I did speak to a solicitor a while back. And she said as primary carer I could potentially get 60% perhaps. But that’s obviously so far from where he is given he doesn’t even want me to have half!
plus I think he has no idea his pension comes into it too.

OP posts:
ArgieBargie · 27/09/2022 21:53

HerRoyalNotness · 27/09/2022 21:46

No it isn’t. They’ve been married 16+ years. and it’s been incorporated into their assets. It’s a marital asset. Do not let him railroad you into accepting what he wants. See a solicitor

Show quote history

It might be legal but it can still be grabby. I’m sure OP things his suggestion of him getting half of her inheritance from her own parents in the future is grabby, but it’s the same scenario.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 21:54

Ok @Fullsomefrenchie then maybe depends on the value of the inheritance. It was certainly counted as family money in my situation.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:56

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 21:54

Ok @Fullsomefrenchie then maybe depends on the value of the inheritance. It was certainly counted as family money in my situation.

sure, and it will have done in many others but for many others it didn’t. It’s a really complex area of law that’s not one rule

he has a point on the ops inheritance as well. It’s not really any different to his pension theoretically.

Isaidnoalready · 27/09/2022 21:56

She might not get an inheritance it might be spent on care or holidays and saying he can have half of this mythical inheritance simply means the grandparents can disinherit her and give it to the grandchildren instead my mom disinherited me in favour of my children she is quite open about it too

KangarooKenny · 27/09/2022 21:56

Do not agree to anything, put it in the hands of a solicitor.

saraclara · 27/09/2022 21:58

Are you going to share your future inheritances with him, OP?

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 21:59

In which case, the OP asking on a random forum is probably not the best idea really.

ArtemisFlop · 27/09/2022 21:59

Another one here that thinks taking the inheritance is unfair.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:00

Isaidnoalready · 27/09/2022 21:56

She might not get an inheritance it might be spent on care or holidays and saying he can have half of this mythical inheritance simply means the grandparents can disinherit her and give it to the grandchildren instead my mom disinherited me in favour of my children she is quite open about it too

Sure and his pension might devalue. Who can tell.

from what i see she’s saying she wants at least half, possibly 60 percent of what his parents left him and she wants the kids more than 50/50 , likely child maintenance for her to have them the extra time too, and she wants half his pension but she doesn’t want him to have Her inheritance.

bringbackveronicamars · 27/09/2022 22:00

Do NOT come to a private agreement with him as he is clearly planning to ensure he doesn't have to be fair and equitable.

Get a good lawyer.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:00

Do you also work op?

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:00

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 21:59

In which case, the OP asking on a random forum is probably not the best idea really.

No she needs to see a lawyer, as does he.

ArtemisFlop · 27/09/2022 22:00

Not least as it came from his parents. He's lost his childhood family, now he's losing his adult family and with that losing what his parents gave him. Would be devastating.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:01

Agreed @Fullsomefrenchie

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:01

bringbackveronicamars · 27/09/2022 22:00

Do NOT come to a private agreement with him as he is clearly planning to ensure he doesn't have to be fair and equitable.

Get a good lawyer.

To be fair, neither is the op;

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:02

bringbackveronicamars · 27/09/2022 22:00

Do NOT come to a private agreement with him as he is clearly planning to ensure he doesn't have to be fair and equitable.

Get a good lawyer.

lol, unlike op?

Fair?
Equitable?

lickenchugget · 27/09/2022 22:03

rwalker · 27/09/2022 21:41

Sorry but chasing inheritance just seems grabby

Indeed

KensingtonStation · 27/09/2022 22:03

I asked a very similar question a couple of days ago, and spoke with a financial adviser friend yesterday.

The gist of it was that inheritance invested in the family home is almost always going to be considered a marital asset unless you are sufficiently financially stable in your own right. Future inheritance will not usually be considered because wills can be changed, and care needs can erode potential inheritance.

Whataretheodds · 27/09/2022 22:04

rwalker · 27/09/2022 21:41

Sorry but chasing inheritance just seems grabby

Grabby of him to try to claim rights to the inheritance that may be left by OP's still-living parents, you mean?

His inheritance was spent on their marital home 16 years ago.

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:04

ArtemisFlop · 27/09/2022 22:00

Not least as it came from his parents. He's lost his childhood family, now he's losing his adult family and with that losing what his parents gave him. Would be devastating.

I know women this has happened to. It's devastating. Losing your family inheritance while the ex swans off and inherits their own later on, leaving them with a tiny amount to live on. Very unfair and a combined loss with the loss of parents/grief. A real kicker. Very heartless.

MimiSunshine · 27/09/2022 22:05

Did some of you miss the part where the OP said her H was a considerably higher earner than her, often worked away and did nothing for the children was a primary carer of?
im guessing that means she either didn’t work or very minimally.

stop focusing on the inheritance specifically and instead speak to a solicitor about the financial aspect. Maybe the ultimate agreement is you keep the house and he keeps his pension with a %age split of other assets.

who knows, but 100% get legally advice and don’t trust him to be fair.

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:05

I honestly don't think I ever want my kids to marry under English law.

MaChienEstUnDick · 27/09/2022 22:06

See. A. Solicitor.

Understand what's 'likely' in court, and negotiate from there.

FWIW I suspect he'll be happier to give up on a past and spent inheritance than he will on a future and plentiful pension...

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:06

Whataretheodds · 27/09/2022 22:04

Grabby of him to try to claim rights to the inheritance that may be left by OP's still-living parents, you mean?

His inheritance was spent on their marital home 16 years ago.

Show quote history

Only the first inheritance. I suspect this would be included as an asset but the 150 k gained last year, I’d be surprised if a judge let her have it . But again this is a very difficult area of law and a judge could go either way,

the moral side of this is what causes it to be grey. His parents worked their lives for that. Morally should the op have their money. Because that’s what it is she wants. She wants to take their money off him and have it for herself.

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:07

MimiSunshine · 27/09/2022 22:05

Did some of you miss the part where the OP said her H was a considerably higher earner than her, often worked away and did nothing for the children was a primary carer of?
im guessing that means she either didn’t work or very minimally.

stop focusing on the inheritance specifically and instead speak to a solicitor about the financial aspect. Maybe the ultimate agreement is you keep the house and he keeps his pension with a %age split of other assets.

who knows, but 100% get legally advice and don’t trust him to be fair.

I'm not sure that doing zero to bring any money in to the family and then wanting to leave with not only half the earned income, but also half his inheritance whilst having contributed nothing financially, makes it much better tbh.