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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBExH saying he won’t share his inheritance

135 replies

User0610134057 · 27/09/2022 21:29

4/5 weeks ago I finally got the courage to tell H I would like to separate.
Part of the issue is the dynamic whereby we can’t discuss anything, he dismisses what I think, I can’t say what I think and feel etc as am scared of his reaction.
He is devastated about the prospect of splitting but I hope now is starting to have moments of starting to accept it.
whenever we’ve talked about the practicalities he’s switched into defensive mode which was always my fear. He is incredibly stubborn and can be very vindictive when hurt.

he inherited from his mum about 10 years ago about £150K which went into our house/mortgage. His dad died before that and before his dad died he passed over a house abroad to H. We’d been married about a year. (So was 16 years ago). We sold that house last year and got about £150K from it, but had put money in over the years.

i have been primary carer and H literally did nothing. He is higher earner (by a lot) and has been away from the home a lot.
he now says he’s having 50:50 of the kids and will fight me all the way for that.
i just want kids to be happy but do believe they need a primary base and need me for their emotional needs. They are girls 14, 11, 7, . Eldest has ASD diagnosis, youngest is awaiting assessment. They can be demanding but we are very close.

anyway, he is proposing we don’t involve any solicitors and come to an agreement ourselves. Which is basically that he takes his ‘inheritance’ out then split the rest. So I’d get less than half.
I’ve tried to explain that court was see it as all in the pot and not sure a judge would sign it off especially if we hadn’t taken independent advice but he poo pooed that and said we can do what we like and I can always agree to pay him afterwards.

when I said I wasn’t trying to take him to the cleaners just make sure the girls and I are ok, he talked about drawing up an agreement for him to have half of what my parents leave to me in future as it’s not his fault his parents died in their 60s and it’s not morally right for me to take their money.

i don’t what it to get nasty but I know if I don’t get advice I’ll just feel forced to go along with what he wants but I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

he doesn’t know that I did speak to a solicitor a while back. And she said as primary carer I could potentially get 60% perhaps. But that’s obviously so far from where he is given he doesn’t even want me to have half!
plus I think he has no idea his pension comes into it too.

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 27/09/2022 22:07

There are some odd comments on this thread.

Go and see a solicitor OP.

Hbh17 · 27/09/2022 22:08

Well, his inheritance is his money, so I don't understand why it should be included in joint assets. The money wasn't left to you, it was left to him. My husband received a substantial inheritance a few years ago and I never asked exactly how much or what he planned to do with it, because it's nothing to do with me.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:09

MimiSunshine · 27/09/2022 22:05

Did some of you miss the part where the OP said her H was a considerably higher earner than her, often worked away and did nothing for the children was a primary carer of?
im guessing that means she either didn’t work or very minimally.

stop focusing on the inheritance specifically and instead speak to a solicitor about the financial aspect. Maybe the ultimate agreement is you keep the house and he keeps his pension with a %age split of other assets.

who knows, but 100% get legally advice and don’t trust him to be fair.

No but doing nothing is subjective and hard to prove, plus as a larger earner I am sure he was supporting them financially . That’s an even dodgier route to go down.

ArgieBargie · 27/09/2022 22:09

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:05

I honestly don't think I ever want my kids to marry under English law.

Yes, this thread is eye opening about ways I’m going to make sure I protect my inheritance in the future (and advise my kids to, as well). ‘Marital asset’ indeed

Snugglemonkey · 27/09/2022 22:09

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 21:48

I’m not sure that’s fair, she wants his inheritance and is saying he can’t have the kids 50%. If the genders were reversed and a man was saying this to a woman I’m sure you’d not say that. Equality is now a thing in the courts.

Show quote history

The inheritance became family money a long time ago. I am all for equality and think 50/50 is a reasonable starting point, but only if he will take care of the children. If he was a hands on dad, I would think differently, but he does nothing. The children are used to him working long hours and I do think going from that to 50/50 is a lot.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:10

@ArtemisFlop emotional blackmail is not generally how this stuff works. Money is money. As @Fullsomefrenchie has been clear on, there are grey areas with this. I was left some money, actually before I was married, which went towards our marital home but was ultimately considered part of the overall 'pot' when we were negotiating our divorce. It's about what is fair and equitable. Especially so that any children from the marriage don't lose out. Yes it's sad that inheritances come from dead relatives, but unless that income is legally ring-fenced, it's not outside the realms of possibility to imagine it could be considered part of the marital pot,

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:10

The inheritance became family money a long time ago

please at least read rhe op; the second house was only sold last year.

toddlingtortoise · 27/09/2022 22:10

To be fair the 50/50 is a moot point. The kids are old enough they can make their own decisions and chances of a 17 and 14 year old wanting to do 50/50 is pretty small and the 11 year old would likely not want to do 50/50 if they don’t. Most likely the amount of time they spend with their dad will be driven by them and not either of you.

butterfliedtwo · 27/09/2022 22:11

He shouldn't have to share it. You need legal advice, but so does he.

AluckyEllie · 27/09/2022 22:12

See a solicitor. You do realise you will loose something though? You say you are ‘worried about being financially able to stay in the area’ but that’s not his problem anymore. Even if the house is sold and you get half of the money (including inheritance) will it be enough for you to buy outright/have a small enough mortgage as you suggest you are a low earner. If he gets 50/50 custody he won’t have to pay much or any maintenance to you.

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:14

Don't be surprised if bitterness drives him to rack up the legal bills. He might prefer you both to lose a lot rather than just him.

For me, it's no marriage please kids, but if you must, never ever put my money into the family pot. If I have enough, I'll put it in a trust.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:14

I'm not sure that doing zero to bring any money in to the family and then wanting to leave with not only half the earned income, but also half his inheritance whilst having contributed nothing financially, makes it much better tbh.

So when you pay for full time childcare to the tune of £1500 a month, what is it that you think a woman is doing when a couple agree that one parent will be a stay at home parent because her £1400 a month job makes them worse off? Or do you not think raising a child has any value unless you pay someone out of the home to do it?

AxolotlEars · 27/09/2022 22:14

Involve a solicitor. You need someone in your corner even if they are being paid for it! One day you'll be pleased you spent that money. I have never known a man be reasonable in these situations regardless of the inheritance issue.

Tickledpickled · 27/09/2022 22:14

Wanting half his inheritance does seem unreasonable to me, sorry op! Ok, so the court might say you’re entitled to it.. but morally it is a bit grabby. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:14

toddlingtortoise · 27/09/2022 22:10

To be fair the 50/50 is a moot point. The kids are old enough they can make their own decisions and chances of a 17 and 14 year old wanting to do 50/50 is pretty small and the 11 year old would likely not want to do 50/50 if they don’t. Most likely the amount of time they spend with their dad will be driven by them and not either of you.

I agree it’s moot, a court will ask them, the op will be expected to support herself, unless she’s too old or incapable of doing so. This means working.

kids can surprise you; often parents divorcing will grandly declare they need me most and the other did nothing , often the kids and the other parent have a different view. Like the inheritance the op might be right. But she might not.

Iliveonahill · 27/09/2022 22:14

rwalker · 27/09/2022 21:41

Sorry but chasing inheritance just seems grabby

This. It’s from his parents. Let him keep it. You will get yours one day.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:15

@User0610134057 do you work?

Snugglemonkey · 27/09/2022 22:15

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:10

The inheritance became family money a long time ago

please at least read rhe op; the second house was only sold last year.

I did read the op. The inheritance became family money 10 years ago!

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:16

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:14

I'm not sure that doing zero to bring any money in to the family and then wanting to leave with not only half the earned income, but also half his inheritance whilst having contributed nothing financially, makes it much better tbh.

So when you pay for full time childcare to the tune of £1500 a month, what is it that you think a woman is doing when a couple agree that one parent will be a stay at home parent because her £1400 a month job makes them worse off? Or do you not think raising a child has any value unless you pay someone out of the home to do it?

I don't think it costs an inheritance of several hundred k. And frankly, most women work these days after the first few years. Not having financially contributed is not something to be proud of as you asset strip a marriage.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:17

I’m also worried it won’t be enough for me to survive financially in this area.

agree with a pp. that’s not his problem any more. That’s yours.no court will say it’s his job post divorce to make sure you can stay in the area.

urbanbuddha · 27/09/2022 22:18

His parents worked their lives for that. Morally should the op have their money. Because that’s what it is she wants. She wants to take their money off him and have it for herself.

To provide a home for their children, ie his parents' grandchildren.

Try mediation and if he's still being pig-headed see a solicitor. Acquaint yourself with the facts before mediation.

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:19

To provide a home for their children, ie his parents' grandchildren

she’s responsible to work and do that. It’s not just his job and his parents job.

CandyLeBonBon · 27/09/2022 22:19

@ArcticSkewer do you consider an economic decision to not work in order to save childcare costs as 'asset stripping' a marriage?

Dreamingcats · 27/09/2022 22:19

Having seen a friend and her ex drag everything financial through the courts, I would do everything you can to reach a settlement out of court. Unless you both want to spend his inheritance money on legal fees.

I think it's not unreasonable for him to want his inheritance money, nor you to want fair dealings. Get legal advice, try to see both points of view. Personally I liked the pps suggestion of a trust to protect some of the inheritance for your children. Or include the first inheritance and not the second. I know someone who gave up the rights to their ex's pension in exchange for additional years of child maintenance. Another who agreed to let their ex stay in the marital home until the kids left home and only then was the house sold and money split. Plenty of compromises and ideas to explore. But a solicitor imo is important.

ArcticSkewer · 27/09/2022 22:20

Fullsomefrenchie · 27/09/2022 22:19

To provide a home for their children, ie his parents' grandchildren

she’s responsible to work and do that. It’s not just his job and his parents job.

The kids may never see it from either parent. Often the parents re-marry and leave it to the new partner.

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