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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
AisforApplePie · 28/09/2022 08:31

Also just realised how old the thread is, apologies.

LizaSimpson · 28/09/2022 08:33

You don't need to put him on the birth certificate if you weren't married which may be worth considering if he was abusive.

At least that way 100% of everything will be done through the courts.

LizaSimpson · 28/09/2022 08:33

Didn't realise it was a zombie thread - hope it worked out for you op!

SleepWhenAmDead · 28/09/2022 08:41

I know it might be de-railing a bit, but I thought no child access arrangements could be made until after the baby is born because:

  • a fetus is not a legal person;
  • you don't know how you and baby will be until she is born.

I think you would be entitled just to reply to say that in principle you will work towards the 50:50 as appropriate (as you already have) and you will get in touch with him after baby is born to make proper arrangements. Ask your solicitor, but I'm sure he can't take any legal action on this until the baby is born.

If he is repeatedly emailing you this sounds like further bullying and trying to wear you down. It takes up your headspace when you are trying to process the break-up. If possible, I would block him and end further communication. Nothing practical can be done until baby is born, surely. There is no need to be engaging in this now.

MadinMarch · 28/09/2022 08:44

This post is from April- I wonder how it all went?
Are you still here @Baby3at40 for an update?

katepilar · 28/09/2022 08:48

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

A vast majority of mothers are able to breastfeed. A lot more than is usually believed to do so. Some just need a lot of support of a breastfeeding consultant and lots of perseverance. So its very likely OP will be if she wants to.

Eventhough this question imho had a slight tone to it with another meaning too.

Sorry if you wanted to breastfeed and it didnt work out for you.

BuildersTeaMaker · 28/09/2022 08:58

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 07:36

She helped me write the email and said in her experience 3 hours a day six days a week is me going above and beyond the norm for a newborn. She even said he will probably be surprised you've offered so much as she sees women offering a couple of hours a week only and it gets passed in mediation or court. She seems to think he clearly hasn't sought any legal advice of his own if he thinks I'm being unreasonable.

I thought this was a good offer personally!

Show quote history

I think this is way too much. You need privacy for breast feeding and in my experience, it would take 40 mins to feed and then I’d get about 2 hours before next feed- in hindsight he was probably tongue tied but no one ever checked this. I never fed with husband in room to start with as it was too distracting and I want privacy to try positions and mess with latching on. It is not a spectator sport in early days - even with someone you love about.

and after that, it is limiting you to spend 3 exact hours in the house every day or leave your ex in sole charge of baby on your home alone! Just no. You need flexibility that if you’ve had a crap night you don’t get dressed and just do minimal. You need flexibility that if you are climbing the walls you can pop baby on pram and go for walk. You need flexibility to meet other mums for some adult company and mutual support.

i think you are making a noose for your neck to offer so much to start with out of fear he’ll want 50:50. Nope, he can’t. Hell not be given 50:50 at that age easily by a court, and you need to ease in more slowly. Start with 2 hour visit every other day including only one day at weekend. Allow him to come over to do bath, bed routine during week (how the hell is he even finding 3 hours a day if he’s working to visit you? ). Then you can review at 4 month point.

you don’t know what sort of birth yo7 are going to have, so also write in that you have flexibility for first 6 weeks post partum to cancel planned visit at any time or even for a week…your own health comes first.

if he doesn’t like that point out he contributed exactly 1 cell to this baby, all the babies other cells (bones, organs, fat, skinetc) came from YOUR BODY. Breastfeeding comes from YOUR BODY. It’s not fucking magic that a baby grows - you are not a passive spectator to the event like him . Your body needs time to recover from pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding. And that means calm, stress free and not with an ex hanging around your private space is limiting what you an do every day. He would simply be controlling you under threat of court action.

he’s a nob

workinmums · 28/09/2022 09:00

As this is an OLD THREAD @Baby3at40 Any update on the 50/50 situ?

HoneyAndMonsters · 28/09/2022 09:08

I would get advice re development of attachment disorder in small kids who don’t have a consistent caregiver. My step dd was passed between one parent and grandparents (due to other parent’s ill health) every few days as a baby and toddler and she developed attachment disorder which still suffers from as a result of this as a teen. I can’t see newborns adapting to split care. They need consistent care form one parent in order to bind and feel safe.

HoneyAndMonsters · 28/09/2022 09:10

Ah sorry, old thread, but what I said is still relevant and would be interesting to know how things worked out.

Redatnight · 28/09/2022 09:17

Eightiesfan · 23/04/2022 07:30

rogueone is right, some genius friend of your ex has told him to ask for this to avoid CMS payments. Once the reality of actually having this huge responsibility dawns on him he’ll no doubt change his tune.

Try not to worry and as PP have mentioned when it gets official don’t offer 6 days and overnight stays. This will not be good for you post-birth and your baby will be too young to care. Once DC is a bit older you can revisit this, but in the meantime don’t worry or allow him to bully you.

This. And get some proper legal advice.

Original poster
Baby3at40 · 28/09/2022 09:20

Hi everyone

Well what a crazy few months it's been. Thank you so much for all your replies, I've read them all!

I did cut off all contact with him after the thread, I focused on getting baby's room ready and some downtime of just nesting and sorting the house out before the birth.

About 2 weeks before he contacted me wanting to talk. I agreed.

If anyone else is going through anything similar I really do think it's about how you think about the situation. The space and no contact between us gave me time to reframe how I saw myself in this situation and I PUT MYSELF in the strong position. I was carrying his baby, I was going to be primary caregiver - HE should be the one in the vulnerable position, not me. And that got me through that time.

I felt empowered by just reframing, putting myself first. I learned a lot about perspective! Life really can be better if you reframe your position in it.

I allowed him at the birth. And I made it clear I was allowing him. It was my choice not his. The birth was quite fast and scary and we've both had kids before but this scared us a bit with the pace - there was one point we feared there was something wrong and because of this he fainted - I'll never let him live that down.

I set boundaries and expectations and it's been hard but he's met them or at least done everything to try to meet them.

Baby is 4 months old and we're in a really good place.

Anyone that's going through anything similar let me know and I fell on some really healthy coping mechanisms which has led me and baby to be really happy. Including Dad.

Thanks so much for the support MN it really helped get me through the early dark days of this post xx

OP posts:
Josette77 · 28/09/2022 09:26

Oh my gosh this is an amaz

Josette77 · 28/09/2022 09:27

Update. Congratulaions!!

WilsonMilson · 28/09/2022 09:27

Is he trying to get out of paying maintenance? And honestly tell him where to go, unless he’s planning to lactate he can absolutely do one. He can see the baby when you say he can. He won’t get a court date any time soon and the courts will never in a million years give 50/50 to the father of baby. Whether you breastfeed or not, tell him you are!

AriettyHomily · 28/09/2022 09:27

What a lovely update, well done!

WilsonMilson · 28/09/2022 09:27

That will teach me to read the whole thread! Ignore last post!!

Badger1970 · 28/09/2022 09:38

That's an amazing update OP, and you've handled an awful situation with grace and dignity.

What a lucky baby to have a Mum like you Flowers

MissMaple82 · 28/09/2022 09:46

Haha tell him to get fucked!!!! Your offering more than enough!!!

MissMaple82 · 28/09/2022 09:50

A court won't grant 50/50 to a new baby trust me! Courts accept a newborn needs to be with mum mostly. Little and often for dad. Don't be bullied. Breast feeling is neither hear nor there, new babies need mum more than dad.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/09/2022 09:54

Can't believe you actually allowed him at the birth though

Trethew · 28/09/2022 10:01

Well done indeed! Situations like this rarely reach such a comfortable outcome. Be proud of yourself

dancemonke · 28/09/2022 10:03

Can you ask a mother you like and trust to talk to him about the realities of postnatal life? I think a lot of men simply don't understand the physical realities of it all (and tbh, even as a woman I didn't!!). 50:50 might sound reasonable to him - but anyone who can talk him through the physical side of it (esp if you go for breastfeeding) might clarify things for him. His mother, for starters, might well be able to tell him a few facts of like.

workinmums · 28/09/2022 10:05

Amazing. So happy for you OP! I love hearing about positive outcomes.

BadNomad · 28/09/2022 10:09

Does that mean you got back with him, or you're just civilly co-parenting? I always remember him as the man who, when he left you when you were heavily pregnant, took your bed and fridge with him!