Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

[Baby3at40]

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

This man is a master manipulator. Please do not worry that any court will side against the birth mother. You have been accommodating and generous with your offers so far, he’s trying to hurt you where it will hurt the most. I absolutely wouldn’t allow him near the birth or hospital and following that I would be breastfeeding. This is not a bf debate at all, if it’s not for you that’s okay, but it serves as the perfect excuse why you cannot be separated. I would tell anyone that listens that you’ve tried to express but it’s so painful and baby is very reluctant to take bottle and breast - it causes issues where baby then refuses breast because he/she has to work less when using a bottle. Again, I’m not interested in whether you’re doing the above or not - I’m saying this is the perfect excuse why you cannot be separated from your baby. He’s playing it Mr tough guy so make it very very clear to him that you have reflected on your relationship and the correspondence he has sent you since and are beginning to question whether he’s a danger to yourself and baby. If he’s stooping so incredibly low, so can you. Let him dig his hole, no one would ever side with him over you.

Why would you put someone who was emotional abusive to you on the birth certificate.

He probably will go to court, but at least it will get you a bit of breathing space.

This will not happen. I have never seen 50/50 froM birth , in fact I haven’t seen 50/50 for the first year. Don’t panic. But also don’t give him hours and hours in your home if you don’t want him there. Be careful what you propose. I would back track now and say the offer is pulled as you are hormonal and can’t make reasonable offers that suit you, also you don’t know how you will be recovering after the birth.

Unless he can breastfeed, no court in the world would give him 50/50

Good luck- can’t he do the night shift…

He sounds horrific.

There is no way I would allow him across my threshold. He will destroy the peace and harmony of your home.

You sound like a truly lovely person, but also shockingly naive. I’m not sure you’re registering how abusive this man is. Or what having a newborn is like.

Do you have supportive people around you?

Please stay on MN because there are wise and wonderful women here who will help you. Get this thread moved into relationships by MN (just report your own thread).

I’ve read many posts about abusers but this one is in a league of his own.

is moving elsewhere an option?

How will 50/50 from birth work if he works full time?;I doubt his work will give him months worth of paternity leave.

This is an attempt to completely get out of paying child maintenance. He’s a bastard and you’re better off without him. Let him take you to court. No family court would allow him 50:50 with abreast fed new born.

50:50 from birth is not in the best interests of any child. He is thinking about himself and wanting to minimise his financial support, not thinking about the welbeing of his child. This alone demonstrates he is a crap parent.

Babies need consistency and familiarity. They can't be swapped from household to household withoutt serious psychologiical and emotional damage being done. The only way for 50:50 parenting to work from birth would have been if he hadn't left you, but that ship has sailed.

He clearly has no idea what nights with a new baby are like. If you were to agree to this (which - don't!), either he would crack and change his mind by night 3, or he would use earplugs and leave tge baby screaming - but subjecting your baby as a prop to prove this point would obviously be irresponsible and I am sure you wouldn't.

If you can possibly establish breastfeeding that will be very helpful for a strong argument against his unreasonable demands. Starting to pump and collecting tiny amounts of colostrum from week 38/39 of pregnancy may help to get things flowing.

you have my sympathies I really do feel for you. I would seek legal advice. You sound like a great mum who wants to put their child first. (unlike some of the deranged women on here who are telling you to basically emotionally abuse your child by not letting him see his child). X

He may well be coming at this from a 100% genuine point of view, but I wonder if its also to continue some sort of hold over you.

I wouldn't engage any further. Not sure what you're birth plans are, but if relationship hasn't worked out, I wouldn't want him there.

@Baby3at40 Please don't feel sad if breastfeeding doesn't work for you. There are loads of ways to be a good parent

I don't see why you are bothering with him he left before your baby was born. He is just trying his mates advice to avoid paying. Sorry things didn't work out for you. But avoid all contact with him unless its by solicitor. You and your baby deserve better.

50-50 for a non resident parent from the day of birth is totally unreasonable in my opinion.
The ONLY exception would be if your ex fiance was either (i) and extremely experienced Dad with a proven track record not just with (his own) children but with newborn babies (show me a man like that!!!!!) OR (ii) I knew his own family on a very personal level, I got on with his family, and at least one permanent member of his close family (who he will be with when he has the baby) has a proven track record with newborn babies and is very experienced with them (i.e. is for example a midwife and a bloody good midwife at that).
If neither of the above applies then no chance!

This.

Not in the best interest of the baby.
Looks like a clear aim to distress and control you in your final weeks of labour.
I sincerely hope the courts see it for what it is.

The baby was born 4 months ago.

OP: just tell him that you cannot commit to a definite arrangement until after the baby is born and the baby’s needs are known.

The baby’s life cannot be made to fit round the demands of him.

Just because breastfeeding was hard last time doesn’t mean it will be this time. If it falls into place, and you want to feed your baby, you cannot allow his demands to influence your choice.

No way would I let him wait outside while you are in labour. Just knowing he is there will be a pressure. Tell him you will let him know as soon as the baby is born. He is not your partner. He left you. The you who will be in labour. He has no role until the baby is born.

Also I would set up a specific e mail for him to contact you on, and block him on everything else. Tell him you will look at this e mail 3 times a week for the foreseeable future, and reply to factual matters if they are of his concern. It isn’t good that he is ‘in your head’ all the time. Read the e mails when you choose, and feel strong.

@MissNothing1991 for the purposes of the ex being an arsehole, whether or not she’s breastfeeding, she should be “breastfeeding” for a very long time.

Aaaargh ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE!

@Maymay1980 you need to start your own thread and get answers specific to your situation- good luck!

I've even said I'd tell him when going in to labour or as it looks like now the date I'll be induced as she's a big baby, so he can be outside waiting and can come in as soon as placenta is out and I'm covered/decent.

I wouldn't do that much if I were you. Do you really want him taking up head space with having to remember to call him, being aware of him lurking outside the door, probably bullying the staff about when he can come in? If ever there was a time when a mother is 100% entitled to put herself first, it's during labour.

Did he have sole care of his daughters when they were newborns and small babies? It really isn't comparable to having 50/50 care of children who are at school part of the time.

Agh, just clocked the date and realised baby is 3 months old by now. How's it going, OP?

This, but also, don’t sit there in pain. If you want to try breastfeeding again, work with a lactation consultants in hospital or with your local breastfeeding group. There is lots of support IF you want to feed.

I have no other advice but good luck with everything. Xx