Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Help! Ex fiancé wants 5050 from birth!

374 replies

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 28/09/2022 05:36

What a wanker, I would be tempted to tell him the baby wasn't his if I thought I could get away with it. Don't let him threaten or blackmail you.

Valeriekat · 28/09/2022 05:44

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

It's not about breast feeding!

Pompom2367 · 28/09/2022 05:53

Op you are doing amazing I'm sorry you are having to deal with this in your pregnancy

PrincessConsuelaBanana · 28/09/2022 06:04

Moodycow78 · 23/04/2022 09:03

OP I think you need to find another solicitor, you've not had good advice for your situation. Agreeing to this schedule with an abusive partner is not in your or your babies interests. Your solicitors advice might be good when dealing with another rational grown up but you're dealing with a manipulative prick. You said you're doing the freedom programme, is there anyone they could recommend you use who has experience dealing with these situations? You need specialist advice. Please don't agree to being alone with this man 6 days a week, this is a terrible idea xxx

I completely agree with this. You’ll be especially vulnerable, tired, stressed, possibly trying to establish BF (I didn’t BF as I found it too hard so obvs no judgement if you don’t!) which you found very hard in the past - add an abusive ex into the mix while you’re at this point?! No. Please get a second opinion and rescind your original offer. He could use this time to manipulate you or even just to spoil this special time with your new baby. You and Baby both need you feeling good and happy. Best of luck OP xx

ReeseWitherfork · 28/09/2022 06:13

SpidersAreShitheads · 28/09/2022 03:51

Oh FFS. Old thread.

That's what I get for surfing MN at nearly 4am 🤦🏻‍♀️😅

Well you’ve kicked it all off now 😂
@mnhq can you put a warning or something on the thread showing people it’s 6 months old?

welshpolarbear · 28/09/2022 06:29

Op - I'd really love to know you're ok and how things have worked out for you and baby Flowers

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 28/09/2022 06:30

I think what you’re offering is more than enough. I’m all for father’s being involved but, let’s face it, even when the dad lives at home most dads don’t do 50/50 🤷‍♀️ He’s doing this to prove a point.

FWIW, I think 6 days a week from birth is too much. If I were you, I’d agree to a visit on the day she’s born (only if you’re up to it of course) Then an hour every 3rd day for approx 4 weeks, building up to two hours every third day for the next month. After that, it’s your choice how often and for how long he comes over. Don’t be bullied.

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 28/09/2022 06:31

*sorry, the 1st month is no visits. Second month is 1 hour every 3rd day (doh)

Morph22010 · 28/09/2022 06:34

UnderCoverFieldAgent · 28/09/2022 06:31

*sorry, the 1st month is no visits. Second month is 1 hour every 3rd day (doh)

Thread is from April early months have now passed

100Elizabeth · 28/09/2022 06:43

Baby3at40 · 23/04/2022 06:56

Has anyone else had an ex want 5050 from birth?

My ex left a month ago when I was 30 weeks pregnant and has emailed to say he wants 5050 from birth. With the help of women's aid and a good friend who's a family law solicitor I wrote back saying that he can have 3 hours a day, SIX days a week at the home in order to bond with baby and let baby settle in to her routine with me.

This isn't enough apparently! He wants 5050 from birth.

I stated to be reasonable this routine will last for the first 15 weeks of baby's life and we can revise and see how it's going then.

I think that's reasonable is it not?! What's people's experiences of the father wanting 5050 from birth?

My son has 5050 with his dad and is so happy but that was after his dad and I lived together when he was little and 5050 began when he was in school. I'm not opposed to that happening in the future but surely at this stage it's literally baby steps?

Help. Very anxious at 34 weeks pregnant here 😩

Dear @Baby3at40,

My cousin faced a similar thing. At 28 weeks pregnant with her third boy with her partner, she found out he was cheating. This was a year ago now and for the first month, just my cousin had the baby. For a couple months after that, the baby's dad went to my cousins house and HELPED to look after the baby for an afternoon every week.
At about 5 months old, this man had all of the boys - with the baby - for a day - 10AM to 6PM - every two weeks, it was called "Daddy's day" My cousin didn't breast feed. As the baby got older, "Daddy's day" was every week.
Now, my cousin and him are on friendlier terms and "Daddy's day" is occasionally a sleepover at Daddy's but the baby is older so does not rely on his mum so much, I would definitely start with you being there.

Itsbadbitchoclockyeahitsthickthirty · 28/09/2022 06:45

ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIE ZOMBIEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mrsjohnnylawrence · 28/09/2022 06:59

MissNothing1991 · 23/04/2022 06:59

What sort of question is that? Not everybody can

Show quote history

Yes, everybody "can", oftentimes we need help. I had no latch until the third month and still did it for another few years.

I think her point was this is what you say anyway, at least that you want to try, in which case 50/50 will cause a lot of issues including blocked ducts and possible mastitis, which is life-threatening, and you need 12 weeks to build supply.

Darbs76 · 28/09/2022 07:00

More than generous and no judge will grant more than that. Try nipple shields for sensitive nipples. I have sensitive nipple and had trouble at first but the pain does ease and they toughen up a bit!

mrsjohnnylawrence · 28/09/2022 07:01

Also, be mindful of "golden hour" after birth. This is where a lot of the problems stem from as baby doesn't know how to latch. Look it up and ensure it happens. This was my issue. I had a c section and went under so no golden hour for us. It was incredibly hard but it's never impossible. The condition where you don't make milk is extremely rare, which makes sense because if a mammalian species had frequent inherent problems feeding their young it would die out pretty quickly.

creativevoid · 28/09/2022 07:01

Haven't RTFT but as soon as I saw what he was asking for (totally unreasonable and insensitive) and how much you offered (far too much, putting you absolutely last) I thought, this guy is controlling. So I don't necessarily think it's to avoid CMS, it's far worse, and your follow up that you are doing the Freedom programme and that he was emotionally abusive confirms it. Good for you for getting support and trying to change things. I have been there and it takes time. Get all the support you can. DO NOT agree to have him in your home at all. If you are used to giving in to him and appeasing him you are likely to end up agreeing to things that really aren't in your best interest and once they are in place they are hard to undo and these controlling bastards can be very stubborn when they have you in their grip so I wouldn't rely on him deciding it's all too hard. Someone earlier said "Find your power" - that's what you need to do. When I realised I didn't have to do what my ex wanted and that I got to make decisions it was really freeing. Lean on women's aid. Get a solicitor who understands coercive control - you will need it. And I note that you downplayed the abuse because it wasn't physical. Please don't - emotional and verbal abuse is really terrible to go through and hard to recover from, so treat yourself with care. Wishing you and your baby the best.

JessesMum777888 · 28/09/2022 07:06

Swayingpalmtrees · 23/04/2022 07:31

There is no way he would be at the birth, and not a chance I would even put him on the birth certificate. In fact I would not let him anywhere near my baby or me. Cut off contact. Don't respond and consider your options with a trusted solicitor.

Take back your power.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. As other posters have said, let him take you to court, there is currently a nine month wait or longer for some cases.

Take back your power?
No play god with a child that will grow up not knowing his father. A father can love a child without loving its mother.

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 28/09/2022 07:09

rogueone · 23/04/2022 07:10

It’s a ploy not to have to pay CMS. No judge will allow 50/50 from birth. Say no and let him
take you to court . You have shown yourself to be reasonable and he will look like an arse

This is why he’s saying 50/50.
As pps have said he can’t start anyth8ng until baby is born. Then it’ll take time and no one would ever give him 50/50 from birth—- too disruptive for baby.
Id make some of his time overnight where you feed but he does the settling and changing—- he’ll soon change his mind.

MelroseGrainger · 28/09/2022 07:10

Swayingpalmtrees · 23/04/2022 07:31

There is no way he would be at the birth, and not a chance I would even put him on the birth certificate. In fact I would not let him anywhere near my baby or me. Cut off contact. Don't respond and consider your options with a trusted solicitor.

Take back your power.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. As other posters have said, let him take you to court, there is currently a nine month wait or longer for some cases.

what?! Why on earth would you be so militant about cutting off a parent from their baby? This is not helpful to the OP, who clearly wants the father to be in their child’s life, as has worked fine with her existing child and the other father. If you don’t have anything helpful to say in this stressful situation, and only want to make things worse (for what reasons, I can’t even begin to fathom) please step back.

you’ll be fine OP! He can’t insist on 50/50 at such an early stage. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth.

0nTheEdge · 28/09/2022 07:11

Read through this thread not realising it was an old one! You've probably woken up to a lot of notifications OP. Would love to hear how you're getting on though

Hmmmwhatnametochoose · 28/09/2022 07:12

GeminiTwin · 23/04/2022 11:55

What sort of question is that???
Maybe she will, maybe she won't!

Show quote history

Oh for goodness SAKE!!!

Stag82 · 28/09/2022 07:13

So sorry you are going through all of this at why should be a really happy and exciting time.

I think you are being reasonable. I know this is hard, but I would try really hard not to engage him. Just keep repeating that you’ve made an offer and you are happy to go to mediation. I believe you can mediate without having to be face-to-face. Don’t respond to any of his comments and don’t get into a discussion.

Its child’s best interests first and baby being separated from Mum isn’t likely to be it!

Softplayhooray · 28/09/2022 07:13

rogueone · 23/04/2022 07:10

It’s a ploy not to have to pay CMS. No judge will allow 50/50 from birth. Say no and let him
take you to court . You have shown yourself to be reasonable and he will look like an arse

100% this OP. No court in the land will take a newborn from its mum 50/50. How bloody ridiculous. Stop trying to reason with him, let him take it to court and go for the bare minimum right now. I say that because a man who asks for this kind of thing is already a very selfish parent putting his own needs above the baby.

If he left before his baby was even born he isn't reliable either and I'd guess he will struggle even with the bare minimum time.

It also needs to go to court so you get child support.

Honestly with men like this you NEED court.

olympicsrock · 28/09/2022 07:14

You are being ridiculously generous . The newborn period is about you and your baby. You will be vulnerable. Personally I would not let an abusive person anywhere near me. No need to let him when you are induced / go into labour. He can meet the baby once a few days post birth and then again a few weeks later.
see how you feel. He will have no parental rights as is not married to you.
Once you have got over the initial period you can choose to allow him contact perhaps once a week. Anything more is madness.

BlackeyedSusan · 28/09/2022 07:18

Breast feeding was painful here too but feeding off each side only once per 12 hours helped milk come in and nipples recover from being chewed all night. Went on to feed for two and a half years once they recovered. Was able to build up supply gradually by feeding more.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 28/09/2022 07:19

I am a bit suprised about your solicitors advice tbh. Its up to you of course, but I would be telling him that he isnt the father and to F**k off. (Unless you really want the maintainance which clearly he doesnt want to give you.............

Swipe left for the next trending thread