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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Is owning a house all that?

174 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 18/03/2022 22:29

So my husband and I are mid separation because thing's aren't really working...

The idea is he will remortgage our current house to buy me out and I would put down said deposit for a shared ownership house..

Except I don't earn enough to get a mortgage for a shared ownership house!! I can only work 3 days a week around the kids so my income is limited and that's the deciding factor. Once my youngest is in school in September things can change but for now I'm stuck. I can work when I don't have the kids but I'll literally either be at work or with the kids and have no down time at all so that's not feasible. They are 4 and 6 so childcare isn't cheap, I use all of the nursery hours I'm entitled to all year round and can't even change it because no holiday club that his brother goes to will accept him until he's in school.

My options now are limited as there are no shared ownerships nearby with a lower share which could have been an option.

My choices are to spend the money I get from the house to live on or try to work things out. We don't want to break up but there are so many issues we need to work on and the idea was that I would buy and we would take things day by day but now that won't happen..

I don't have an issue with renting but it's so insecure and I could be asked to leave at anytime. With kids involved it's really not ideal, they need security.

I just feel so stuck, I either waste 30K on living expenses or I muddle about in a marriage desperately hoping we can turn it around and be properly happy.

Is owning a home really all that?!

OP posts:

Onlyrainbows · 20/03/2022 04:27

@LittleOwl153

DO NOT FORGET HIS PENSION!

You have not said where he works but with an income of £48,000 he could easily have a £300,000 pension fund... which youbare entitled to a share!

That just made me giggle .... I'm 37, currently on £70k and my pension fund is about £30k! My DHs who is on 26k has about 7-8k. My exH when we divorced had around £40k and his is a proper gold plated pension.

urbanbuddha · 20/03/2022 04:43

It doesn't seem fair that I'm scrabbling around wondering how to pay for nursery costs just so that I can work 5 days a week whilst he goes to work as and when he pleases, has every evening to himself when he doesn't have the kids and a day at the weekend whilst I'm working and working trying to afford a roof over our heads.

Nope, it doesn't seem fair at all. Find a good family law solicitor.

Gingerbread has links on this page which offer guidance.

Whatthefleckster · 20/03/2022 06:38

Probably best if you stop giggling about it. At 70k you can afford to put more in than you clearly are. I'm only a few years older than you and mine is at £120k and it'll still be a stretch to have a comfortable retirement.

Whatthefleckster · 20/03/2022 06:40

Gah quote didn't work, that was for @littleOwl153 not you OP.

LittleOwl153 · 20/03/2022 08:33

@whatthefleckster and @Onlyrainbows

Pension pots can vary widely depending on employer and how it is invested.

Someone over the age of 40 who has contributed all their working life to a superannuation pension could be looking at £300k on £48,000pa, my bro in law who has self invested his pension in stocks/shares from £30k pa salary has retired with over £600k. And I k ow others who have nothing.

My point was to make sure whatever OP's ExH has is included. It might just make the housing difference for her...

LittleOwl153 · 20/03/2022 08:39

@Onlyrainbows OP is looking for £15k to make this shared ownership house work.... half of your £30k pension pot would solve that problem wouldn't it even if he Ex-H doesn't have a large pot!

Original poster

mightbealittlebitmad · 20/03/2022 09:04

Tomorrow I'll attempt to get this sorted. I have a mortgage broker who has been given the go ahead to look for a mortgage in principle. I can increase my deposit from 30K to a bit more if I can get 45K from the house.

I need to try increase my hours at work by another 6 or 12 hours, hoping now summer is round the corner my manager will agree to me doing at least 4 days because more people will be sitting outside ordering food and drinks.

I have asked the housing association just to keep the house reserved even if I have to pay a fee just for another couple of weeks to enable me to sort something with work and maybe try increase my deposit even if it's only by 5K.

There has to be a way around this, the whole point of shared ownership is for people who can't afford a full share.

I can't move into a rental and lose all my money on living, that's just madness.

If I definitely can't buy this house then I'm staying put here until something comes up. It's half mine so nobody can kick me out.

OP posts:

TheHoptimist · 20/03/2022 09:52

@LittleOwl153

DO NOT FORGET HIS PENSION!

You have not said where he works but with an income of £48,000 he could easily have a £300,000 pension fund... which youbare entitled to a share!

Highly unlikely. £48,000 is an above average income but not a high income

bellac11 · 20/03/2022 11:14

Im on about what the OPs husband earns and I looked mine up the other day and its around the 15k mark, I cant afford to put any more in. Some of the advice on here is way off the mark.

Onlyrainbows · 20/03/2022 11:20

[quote LittleOwl153]@Onlyrainbows OP is looking for £15k to make this shared ownership house work.... half of your £30k pension pot would solve that problem wouldn't it even if he Ex-H doesn't have a large pot![/quote]
You have to be 55 to cash any pension pot... So your comment is a moot point.

Bushkin · 20/03/2022 12:54

@Onlyrainbows I wouldn’t be giggling- I’ve got a standard employee contribution pension (employer matched) I’m younger than you and pensionable earnings have been between £40k -£120k for last 10 years and my pot is c£160k. £30k seems v low on £70k- are you actively working to increase it or do you have an alternative retirement strategy?

Sorry to derail thread but I’m very interested in women’s attitudes to financial planning & pensions

Whatthefleckster · 20/03/2022 13:15

[quote LittleOwl153]@whatthefleckster* and *@Onlyrainbows

Pension pots can vary widely depending on employer and how it is invested.

My point was to make sure whatever OP's ExH has is included. It might just make the housing difference for her...[/quote]
Gah, my comment was for @Onlyrainbows 🤦- I was agreeing with you in that is should be a heck of a lot more than £30k at 37

Ragruggers · 20/03/2022 13:40

Can I just say you are coping with this very well.You are seeking advice re the mortgage and the housing. And trying your hardest to earn more money.You must seek legal advice this is very important you may be missing a lot of money by thinking you must be fair to H but you really need every penny you are entitled to .Good luck you will get there .

Original poster

mightbealittlebitmad · 20/03/2022 14:42

@Ragruggers

Haha I'm really not, I'm having a full on stress about it and wondering if even splitting up is the right thing to do but we've been going round in circles for nearly 2 years. We have a really good relationship when you take out the physical side and it's a shame that we are such poles apart in that area.

OP posts:

Onlyrainbows · 20/03/2022 15:00

I've only been working for the past 10 years, have never taken a break but a few things have happened: a) haven't been able to afford more than that b) have property abroad worth at the very least £300-400k c) I haven't always been on £70k. I know I should save a bit more towards retirement (which I will) current plan is to convert my company shares (worth around £200k) to either a pension fund or a BTL.

LittleOwl153 · 20/03/2022 15:41

@Onlyrainbows
You have to be 55 to cash any pension pot... So your comment is a moot point.

Ah but the point being if OPs ExH has a £50k pension pot she can say you keep your pension but I want £25k additional equity out of the house (which enables her to afford the house she's looking at). Quite a common bargaining tool for low earning women with husbands with big pensions they don't want messed with!

urbanbuddha · 20/03/2022 15:50

We have a really good relationship when you take out the physical side and it's a shame that we are such poles apart in that area.

You could try sex therapy before you split up.

Littleorangeflowers · 20/03/2022 16:15

The pension!!
Plus you could stay in the house particularly given age of children and be given a number of years, say 5 to find the money to buy him out or sell up.
Please go slowly. Try mediation. Do not necessarily accept 50/50 until you have at least done financial disclosure form e. Any reticence on his part to do full financial disclosure will tell you quite a lot.
You've been working around kids/his work - why shouldn't that be acknowledged in final settlement?
Lawyers are expensive but dig your heels in and fight for the children's security. You can always do absolutely nothing and let him take you to court to get his money out of the house. Stay put and start thinking about ways to increase earnings so in a few years you CAN but him out. These things actually take forever lol so you've got plenty of time and if you can afford mortgage payments and bills why should you move anyway.

Littleorangeflowers · 20/03/2022 16:17

Consider retraining for example.
Do not focus on 'being fair' to him as his version of fair sounds really skewed.
Ask for a cetv re his pension.
Full financial disclosure!

Littleorangeflowers · 20/03/2022 16:21

Oh and I work all the hours he had the kids just about but reality is I've been sahm so need to do that to increase earning potential. Divorce has taken FOREVER so if you can stay put there is really no rush.

Original poster

mightbealittlebitmad · 22/03/2022 18:42

Had a chat with work and I'm now doing 24 hours a week instead of 18 as of a week on Wednesday. I don't think I'll be able to increase my deposit so hopefully the increase in hours will help.

OP posts:

Lurking9to5 · 22/03/2022 18:59

Good, moving in the right direction 🍷

LittleOwl153 · 23/03/2022 17:02

I'd try and increase your deposit by looking at the pension etc.

But also don't pay off the inlaws. Presumably you/he was paying them monthly... that can continue...

Original poster

mightbealittlebitmad · 23/03/2022 17:45

@LittleOwl153

I'd try and increase your deposit by looking at the pension etc.

But also don't pay off the inlaws. Presumably you/he was paying them monthly... that can continue...

We were but together that was achievable, definitely not achievable on my own and he won't pay because it's not his car. We bought the car when we were together and less than a month later we decided to split because he wants more sex and I don't. I can't live with the tension when I say no (almost all the time) and he can't live with the rejection of me saying no almost all the time so the only thing we can do is break up, stay amicable and hopefully he will find someone who will give him a proper relationship, I want him to be happy.

OP posts:

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