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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is owning a house all that?

174 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 18/03/2022 22:29

So my husband and I are mid separation because thing's aren't really working...

The idea is he will remortgage our current house to buy me out and I would put down said deposit for a shared ownership house..

Except I don't earn enough to get a mortgage for a shared ownership house!! I can only work 3 days a week around the kids so my income is limited and that's the deciding factor. Once my youngest is in school in September things can change but for now I'm stuck. I can work when I don't have the kids but I'll literally either be at work or with the kids and have no down time at all so that's not feasible. They are 4 and 6 so childcare isn't cheap, I use all of the nursery hours I'm entitled to all year round and can't even change it because no holiday club that his brother goes to will accept him until he's in school.

My options now are limited as there are no shared ownerships nearby with a lower share which could have been an option.

My choices are to spend the money I get from the house to live on or try to work things out. We don't want to break up but there are so many issues we need to work on and the idea was that I would buy and we would take things day by day but now that won't happen..

I don't have an issue with renting but it's so insecure and I could be asked to leave at anytime. With kids involved it's really not ideal, they need security.

I just feel so stuck, I either waste 30K on living expenses or I muddle about in a marriage desperately hoping we can turn it around and be properly happy.

Is owning a home really all that?!

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2022 06:54

A few things

  • get legal advice now. It’s very possible that a court would decide you and the kids should stay in the house and your husband extract some equity to but a smaller property, with a few that you sell and split it when they are grown up.
  • I think your husband knows this, and is relying on your financial ignorance to let it happen. Pull all your joint financial info and go see a solicitor with out telling him.
  • Yes owning a house is very important for your financial future and the kids security. Shared ownership is a very expensive way to buy. It’s vital you stay put, or have a new owned property to live in.
  • Yes you will have to work FT. Most people don’t have much downtime with small kids. But in your case presumably your husband will have them a day a week or so, so you will have it.
  • it sounds like your husband has been the financial adult in your relationship. Now is the time to grow up - don’t let him shaft you, and do get back to work FT.
HandlebarLadyTash · 19/03/2022 06:54

Please take proffesional advice, so many women end up with less than a fair share because 'its easier' in a split.
Be prepared for it to get unpleasant when ex realises divorce costs & you are remaining in the house.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/03/2022 06:55

With a VIEW that you sell when they grow up -

Whatthefleckster · 19/03/2022 06:55

On your down time point, the kids will be with their Dad some of the time (whatever you agree on) so that's your down time. And he'll have to give you maintenance, unless he has them 50/50 in which case you can work more. Don't let him off the hook, he's their parent too.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 06:57

30K is what I'm left after I've paid my car loan to my husband's parents, solicitors fees, furniture etc. I could probably pay another 5 but I still need to find another 15K in order to get a 50K deposit because that is how much I'll need to get a mortgage on a share for £83250.

I can't afford to stay in the house and pay the full mortgage, I could afford the same repayments if I was to rent because I get more UC. I've taken away all unessential spendings like haircuts and budgeted for bills, food and holiday club childcare only and it's still impossible until I can work more hours without paying for childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 07:00

@Luredbyapomegranate

A few things
  • get legal advice now. It’s very possible that a court would decide you and the kids should stay in the house and your husband extract some equity to but a smaller property, with a few that you sell and split it when they are grown up.
  • I think your husband knows this, and is relying on your financial ignorance to let it happen. Pull all your joint financial info and go see a solicitor with out telling him.
  • Yes owning a house is very important for your financial future and the kids security. Shared ownership is a very expensive way to buy. It’s vital you stay put, or have a new owned property to live in.
  • Yes you will have to work FT. Most people don’t have much downtime with small kids. But in your case presumably your husband will have them a day a week or so, so you will have it.
  • it sounds like your husband has been the financial adult in your relationship. Now is the time to grow up - don’t let him shaft you, and do get back to work FT.
I won't have downtime if I'm working all the time he has the kids. That is the only way I will ever be able to up my hours without paying for childcare.

I will happily work 5 days a week but I need to find childcare and that's not cheap at over £50 a day. I'm using all of my free hours as it is in order for me to work when they are at school and nursery.

OP posts:
bubbleducks · 19/03/2022 07:01

I have no idea how all this works really but...

Your husband should not be expecting you and your children to leave. HE should leave for a while whilst you work on things.

The priority is the children and why uproot their lives? They need to stay in the family home, at least for a while until you work out a way to fund your own home.

I don't think my husband would expect us to leave in these circumstances. He would be the one to leave.

SynchOrSwim · 19/03/2022 07:08

Do single parents on a low income not get help with childcare?

And yes I'm also either working or have DD with me. Downtime is something I dream of. She is 8 now so it's getting better.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 07:13

@bubbleducks

I have no idea how all this works really but...

Your husband should not be expecting you and your children to leave. HE should leave for a while whilst you work on things.

The priority is the children and why uproot their lives? They need to stay in the family home, at least for a while until you work out a way to fund your own home.

I don't think my husband would expect us to leave in these circumstances. He would be the one to leave.

He has moved out but it's a flat share so it's not a long term solution but it's affordable. If he moved out and rented somewhere he could have the kids we are still in the same position of me not being able to afford the house. I can only stay here now because he's still paying the mortgage and all the bills because he uses the house too. I cover his rent from the money I get from UC and work and pay for mine and the kids food and anything they need whilst they are with me.
OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 19/03/2022 07:14

Have you worked out a financial settlement with a lawyer? You should get more of a share of the assets because you have the kids to house and you have lower earning power.

Have you discussed a share of your DH’s pension, if he has worked f/t while yours has been interrupted for child rearing?

Thousands of people do rent, though.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 07:15

@SynchOrSwim

Do single parents on a low income not get help with childcare?

And yes I'm also either working or have DD with me. Downtime is something I dream of. She is 8 now so it's getting better.

Yes, they will pay up to 85% of my childcare costs up to 1000 a month for 2 kids.
OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 19/03/2022 07:16

Once the house is sold snd you have £30k, will you be entitled to UC?

Halllyup17 · 19/03/2022 07:25

@HomeHomeInTheRange

Once the house is sold snd you have £30k, will you be entitled to UC?
You can ask for it to be disregarded for a period of time. I believe it's 6 months.
Oblomov22 · 19/03/2022 07:44

I appreciate it's hard, that's why many women can't leave.

But, "I ignore the longer term problems, because I can't face everything,".
This is not good. Ignoring problems and then being left renting in retirement is not good.

I worked all the hours they were in preschool, then upped my hours once they started school.

jay55 · 19/03/2022 07:49

Won't you get downtime when the kids are with their dad?
If he's keeping the family home, surely he can have the kids a couple of days in the week while youre working, so the whole childcare burden doesn't fall on you.

SixteenTwelve · 19/03/2022 07:52

@mightbealittlebitmad

30K is what I'm left after I've paid my car loan to my husband's parents, solicitors fees, furniture etc. I could probably pay another 5 but I still need to find another 15K in order to get a 50K deposit because that is how much I'll need to get a mortgage on a share for £83250.

I can't afford to stay in the house and pay the full mortgage, I could afford the same repayments if I was to rent because I get more UC. I've taken away all unessential spendings like haircuts and budgeted for bills, food and holiday club childcare only and it's still impossible until I can work more hours without paying for childcare

Hi OP, not sure if I am reading this correctly but are you saying you need a £50k deposit on a share worth £83k? That does not sound right at all. It would make your mortgage only £33k 🤔

If that’s what you’re saying I really do think it might be worth going back and clarifying as you should only need a £8.3k deposit for £83k share assuming you make at least £16.5k a year??

In answer to your title question yes, homeownership is, IMO “all that”. I rented in my early-mid 20s and bought last year. A rental never really feels like “home” as you can’t do what you like with it and could be asked to leave at any moment. Plus we are spending £225/less a month on our mortgage for 3 bed house than we were on rent for 1 bed flat!

caprimoon · 19/03/2022 07:53

Agree with PPs I don't know if any parents of young children that have much if any 'me time'.

Am I correct in assuming you're claiming UC for a flat that your H lives in? Are you telling them you live there and he's in the FMH? Bit dodgy if so even if he's paying the mortgage.

Heronwatcher · 19/03/2022 07:53

You certainly can’t stay in the marriage. How about agreeing with your partner that you stay in the house until September and from now to then try to retrain to get a better paid job. If you’re separating you need to be financially independent. And yes I absolutely would be prioritising getting a property, otherwise you’ll face years of renting crap places having to move schools every time the landlord sells, and burn through the deposit on rent. Look at big 1 beds and have a sofa bed in the lounge. Work out when your partner will have the kids and work all the hours you can then. Even get a full time job which you know you might not be able to do long term, but do it for long enough to get a mortgage. You can make this work- not easy but possible.

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/03/2022 08:18

Being a single parent means getting no down time. You're either working or looking after your child.

However, it seems like your only issue is your incompatible sex lives so presume the dad will still be seeing his children? That's when you have your downtime. He will also pay you child maintenance.

Lurking9to5 · 19/03/2022 08:23

I'm a single parent to two teens and I work and own a house. They never go to their father's for context. I would move heaven and earth to get an affordable home if that's an option.

I'm 51 now and I'm still working and I feel omg can I keep working for the next 16 years??? Not to say that I haven't at times found working being at work easier than being with DC!!

I've liked working for the last decade. It's been ok. It's only now I'm wondering, wow, this level or work til I retire.

So if I were you I'd move heaven and earth to own a home right now and then work hard and feather your nest.

Otherwise things are going to be tough later.

Qwill · 19/03/2022 08:24

Whoever has the majority of the custody should stay in the house. Childcare costs should be split, or he should pay you for looking after the children as that is what would happen if they went to nursery.

Wartywart · 19/03/2022 08:40

I agree with others - even parents in partnerships don't get 'downtime' - one is working while the other has the kids and vice versa. Neither get downtime. Lots of mothers do everything - working, all childcare, housework etc, while men often get away with just the work part.

bevelino · 19/03/2022 08:45

@Westfacing

Have you had legal advice about moving out of the house with the children?
This

OP you need proper legal advice as clearly the better option is for you to remain in the family home with the children.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 08:49

Yes that is correct.

The share I want to buy is worth £83250

I have a deposit of 30K

I need to borrow £53250

Lenders will only give me £30K so I would need to find another 20K.

I work 18 hours a week on minimum wage, I just started a new job to allow me to work 9-3 3 days a week whilst my children are in school and nursery. I use 22 hours a week all year round which is my funding, the youngest will be in nursery in the holidays and the eldest in a holiday club whilst I am at work.

I need to do more hours and have a contract stating that I will be working these hours.

I work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday 9-3, take the youngest to nursery for 8.30, eldest to school for 8.45, at work for 9am. Leave at 3 to then pick up the eldest and then the youngest. Their dad doesn't get back from work until 5pm so I have to do all of the school pick ups unless I pay for a childminder and then I can do a couple more hours a day at work. That is the intention going forwards but in order to claim the costs back through UC they have to be Ofsted registered and all of the ones in my local area are full at the moment. I will be using after school care from September to allow me to do 9-5 2 days a week if I can.

I will be getting approximately £43500 from the remortgage of the house. Out of that I need to repay a loan of 4K, solicitors fees, mortgage broker and buy furniture plus have a bit left over to allow me to pay for the summer holiday childcare upfront.

In order to get a mortgage I need a contract stating my hours and at the minute they only say 18. I can attempt to discuss options with my manager and see if I can do an extra day, pay for nursery, claim some of the childcare costs back and see if my husband will pay a bit more maintenance just to help cover the cost until September.

OP posts:
RoseMartha · 19/03/2022 09:27

Are there any flats slightly further afield with shared ownership?

When I divorced I had to downsize to a 2 bed flat with my teens. I do miss having a garden but we have a home.