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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is owning a house all that?

174 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 18/03/2022 22:29

So my husband and I are mid separation because thing's aren't really working...

The idea is he will remortgage our current house to buy me out and I would put down said deposit for a shared ownership house..

Except I don't earn enough to get a mortgage for a shared ownership house!! I can only work 3 days a week around the kids so my income is limited and that's the deciding factor. Once my youngest is in school in September things can change but for now I'm stuck. I can work when I don't have the kids but I'll literally either be at work or with the kids and have no down time at all so that's not feasible. They are 4 and 6 so childcare isn't cheap, I use all of the nursery hours I'm entitled to all year round and can't even change it because no holiday club that his brother goes to will accept him until he's in school.

My options now are limited as there are no shared ownerships nearby with a lower share which could have been an option.

My choices are to spend the money I get from the house to live on or try to work things out. We don't want to break up but there are so many issues we need to work on and the idea was that I would buy and we would take things day by day but now that won't happen..

I don't have an issue with renting but it's so insecure and I could be asked to leave at anytime. With kids involved it's really not ideal, they need security.

I just feel so stuck, I either waste 30K on living expenses or I muddle about in a marriage desperately hoping we can turn it around and be properly happy.

Is owning a home really all that?!

OP posts:
AmazingBouncingFerret · 19/03/2022 11:19

Go for 70/30 split of equity of the house, that’s what I did. His earnings and future earnings potential was seriously higher than mine plus I was a SAHM so my sacrifice to any career enabled him to further his.
Also what’s this buying furniture nonsense? Take the furniture with you.

M0RVEN · 19/03/2022 11:19

How can you begin to think about a settlement when you don’t know what his pension is worth ? It could be worth more than the equity in your house .

What about his other savings and insurances etc ?

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 11:24

It doesn't seem fair that I'm scrabbling around wondering how to pay for nursery costs just so that I can work 5 days a week whilst he goes to work as and when he pleases, has every evening to himself when he doesn't have the kids and a day at the weekend whilst I'm working and working trying to afford a roof over our heads.

I could do...

6-10 Monday night, have my youngest in the day
9-3 Tuesday day, kids at night
6-10 Wednesday night, some as Monday
9-3 Thursday day, have the kids at night
9-3 Friday day, have the kids at night
12-9 Saturday day-no kids apart from first thing
Sunday I have the kids all day and evening

OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 19/03/2022 11:30

OP, could you answer these questions?

Have you explored the financial settlement you are entitled to with a solicitor? Does it include more equity to house the kids, and take into account his pension?

Have you factored in his child maintenance contribution?

Why are you beating all the childcare costs which enable him to earn £48k and you to earn peanuts?

I do hope the counselling is useful,

Shouldbedoing · 19/03/2022 11:32

Please OP, don't do anything rash.
Everything goes in the pot for splitting
The equity, his pension, your pension, debts and are considered. You lost pension rearing children. If he keeps his pension you would typically get a larger chunk of equity. As for repaying inlaws for your car...... yes if they insist on making their grandchildren poorer, but STBXH shares that debt too.
Please take advice. Your equity will only be discounted by UC for 6 months, then they'll insist you use your 'savings' before you get any benefits. You will have a lifetime of scrimping.
Please take financial or legal advice

JenniferWooley · 19/03/2022 11:32

While I agree with PP's you need professional advice I don't think owning a house is all that.

I've no intention to own a house & I'm quite happy in my rented flat, appreciate that because it's HA that I have security here but I've been down the private landlord route previously.

Owning in retirement is all fine & well if you have a good pension but not everyone does - a friends mother was widowed at 60 so while she's mortgage free she's only eligible for the state pension & pension credits so while this covers her basic bills the house is falling into disrepair & she can't afford the work required to maintain it.

At least renting as a pensioner on state pension & pension credits she'd get help with the rent & any issues would be fixed by the landlord/HA.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 19/03/2022 11:32

You said equity in the house was around £100,000, you have little or no pension and stbxh has a pension, so how are you only getting a little over £43, 000? The starting point as 50/50 unless a very short marriage and that would be 50/50 of all assets minus all debts. The figures don't add up.

Templeblossom · 19/03/2022 11:32

@dontblamemee

Why is you husband staying the family home? If you can't afford to house yourself because you work part time surely you should be staying the house and he can go rent a flat?
This!!! Why is he getting the house when presumably you have young children.
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 11:37

@Shouldbedoing

Please OP, don't do anything rash. Everything goes in the pot for splitting The equity, his pension, your pension, debts and are considered. You lost pension rearing children. If he keeps his pension you would typically get a larger chunk of equity. As for repaying inlaws for your car...... yes if they insist on making their grandchildren poorer, but STBXH shares that debt too. Please take advice. Your equity will only be discounted by UC for 6 months, then they'll insist you use your 'savings' before you get any benefits. You will have a lifetime of scrimping. Please take financial or legal advice
I need to see a solicitor asap I think because it's a lot more complicated than I thought.

He wants me to give him half of what we have already paid for my car so I would owe him 2.5K and the in-laws 4K. By leaving all the furniture that adds up to about half of my car and I'll just buy second hand where possible.

He won't share childcare costs, he was already shocked at how much money he would owe me for having the kids 3 nights a week and I have them 4. He thought it would be about half that I think and it's only £360.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 19/03/2022 11:38

@mightbealittlebitmad

It doesn't seem fair that I'm scrabbling around wondering how to pay for nursery costs just so that I can work 5 days a week whilst he goes to work as and when he pleases, has every evening to himself when he doesn't have the kids and a day at the weekend whilst I'm working and working trying to afford a roof over our heads.

I could do...

6-10 Monday night, have my youngest in the day
9-3 Tuesday day, kids at night
6-10 Wednesday night, some as Monday
9-3 Thursday day, have the kids at night
9-3 Friday day, have the kids at night
12-9 Saturday day-no kids apart from first thing
Sunday I have the kids all day and evening

It sounds as if this is all being worked out back to front

Firstly should come the counselling and attempts to salvage the relationship to the extent that it works as best it can for the both of you to remain together while the children are still children

If later down the line, thats not possible then you need to decide who has the children and when

From that, you can then both get advice based on the care arrangements, what is needed in terms of housing, child care and CM

Somebodylikeyew · 19/03/2022 11:39

OP you NEED to see a solicitor.

Confusedteacher · 19/03/2022 11:40

If you haven’t seen a solicitor you absolutely need to ASAP! You can usually get a free 30min consultation. Citizens Advice Bureau can also help. DO NOT trust him! Sounds like he is totally taking advantage

BobblyBlueJumper · 19/03/2022 11:49

Yeah sounds like your DH is trying to do you over a bit here.

You need to see a solicitor. Try and gather as much financial paperwork as you can - your DH's stuff as well if you can, payslips, pension statements, savings, car finance, loans, bank statements. As much as you can.

You need a fair settlement, not what your DH thinks you should have.

Confusedteacher · 19/03/2022 11:54

Also- how can he refuse to pay childcare costs on the days that are ‘his’ days? If he wants to go out to work he needs to pay the childcare, it’s not your concern! Can you just put them in childcare on the days you have the kids and tell him he has to sort his own?

TheHoptimist · 19/03/2022 12:10

[quote Movingonup22]@bellac11 - she doesn’t need to - that’s the point. If she’s the primary caregiver then he will be required to pay to house the children and her at least until 18/end of education. At the en did that the house would then be sold and proceeds split.[/quote]
That is quite an outdated view

FrownedUpon · 19/03/2022 12:13

@JenniferWooley

While I agree with PP's you need professional advice I don't think owning a house is all that.

I've no intention to own a house & I'm quite happy in my rented flat, appreciate that because it's HA that I have security here but I've been down the private landlord route previously.

Owning in retirement is all fine & well if you have a good pension but not everyone does - a friends mother was widowed at 60 so while she's mortgage free she's only eligible for the state pension & pension credits so while this covers her basic bills the house is falling into disrepair & she can't afford the work required to maintain it.

At least renting as a pensioner on state pension & pension credits she'd get help with the rent & any issues would be fixed by the landlord/HA.

But she’s not likely to get social housing. OP has already stated that.

Personally, I think it’s best to aim high and not settle for an old age of pension credit and renting.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 12:14

@Confusedteacher

Also- how can he refuse to pay childcare costs on the days that are ‘his’ days? If he wants to go out to work he needs to pay the childcare, it’s not your concern! Can you just put them in childcare on the days you have the kids and tell him he has to sort his own?
Yes but he probably can't afford it. He needs 2 mornings a week and 2 after school a week, that's £58 a week and he won't have that spare.
OP posts:
Confusedteacher · 19/03/2022 12:16

But you clearly can’t afford it either?!

Gwenhwyfar · 19/03/2022 12:17

"A rental never really feels like “home” as you can’t do what you like with it and could be asked to leave at any moment. "

Some people don't want to make structural changes to their home though (you usually can redecorate etc. if the landlord agrees) and you can also leave when you want. Neither of these things would be a problem for me (no children).

I'm more interested in the financial argument for buying.

NorthernSpirit · 19/03/2022 12:26

@Movingonup22

I don’t understand why he gets to keep the house??? If you are the primary caregiver then you should at least get to stay in the house until the children turn 18 or leave education and he should contribute to the mortgage.

And you should get some of his pension etc

Have you good a good solicitor?? It sound to me like you are about to get very ripped off!

This isn’t correct legally.

Mesher orders until children leave education at 18 are less & less now (the court has a duty to consider a clean break).

Also if she does remain in the house - she will be expected to pay the mortgage, all the bills & the upkeep. Not someone who doesn’t live there.

Both parties have to have ‘adequate’ accommodation to house the children in.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 12:27

@Confusedteacher

But you clearly can’t afford it either?!
No that's why UC will allow me to claim some of it back to make it affordable.
OP posts:
Templeblossom · 19/03/2022 12:29

You need to get advice from a solicitor ASAP.
It seems that your DH wants to separate but not fully, so you have to get a SO property in the meantime, so he takes over the house?Hmm
NO!
Decide if you want counselling or if divorce is inevitable.
If divorce then see a solicitor.
Do not agree to anything in the meantime, he is a CF and trying to take advantage.
Minimum in the case of divorce would be 50/50 which would include his pension.
Currently you woh PT due to child caring so you have put your career on hold for his benefit.
Get advice asap-you could come out of this 60/40 plus and keep the house.
Dont listen to him or his parents about what he can afford etc, thats what financial settlements decide.
Tbh just the fact he is so happy to screw you over would be a good enough reason to divorce for me.

Ginfilledcats · 19/03/2022 12:31

Can't you put the kids I. Child care full time, split the cost 50/50 and then You do more hours?

That's how everyone I know works? Any yes no one gets me/down time other than when the kids are in bed? Anything more than that is an unusual luxury

ISeeTheLight · 19/03/2022 12:32

OP you need to wake up and go see a solicitor on your own.

If you're having the children most of the time you'll be eligible for child maintenance, and you may also be entitled to more than you think from the marital assets.

StarCourt · 19/03/2022 12:33

Presumably he is so shocked at how expensive childcare is because he hasn't had to worry about it before. He has absolutely no idea how much you actually do contribute, which suggests he has checked out of daily life.
But don't fall into the trap of thinking he can't cope if you split or he won't be able to afford it. It's his problem to solve not yours.
He needs to do his own research, don't do it for him.
Yes it won't be easy for either of you but lots of people get divorced and somehow make it work. I'm one of them, so
Is my sister and my best friend. Either way your life isn't easy but this way you get to do it by your own choices