Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is owning a house all that?

174 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 18/03/2022 22:29

So my husband and I are mid separation because thing's aren't really working...

The idea is he will remortgage our current house to buy me out and I would put down said deposit for a shared ownership house..

Except I don't earn enough to get a mortgage for a shared ownership house!! I can only work 3 days a week around the kids so my income is limited and that's the deciding factor. Once my youngest is in school in September things can change but for now I'm stuck. I can work when I don't have the kids but I'll literally either be at work or with the kids and have no down time at all so that's not feasible. They are 4 and 6 so childcare isn't cheap, I use all of the nursery hours I'm entitled to all year round and can't even change it because no holiday club that his brother goes to will accept him until he's in school.

My options now are limited as there are no shared ownerships nearby with a lower share which could have been an option.

My choices are to spend the money I get from the house to live on or try to work things out. We don't want to break up but there are so many issues we need to work on and the idea was that I would buy and we would take things day by day but now that won't happen..

I don't have an issue with renting but it's so insecure and I could be asked to leave at anytime. With kids involved it's really not ideal, they need security.

I just feel so stuck, I either waste 30K on living expenses or I muddle about in a marriage desperately hoping we can turn it around and be properly happy.

Is owning a home really all that?!

OP posts:
ToastieSnowy · 19/03/2022 09:38

Going back to your divorce does your DH have a pension or other assets/investments/trusts that are in his name only? In a divorce all of these are put in the pot (as well as anything in your name only) with a 50/50 starting point.

As you’ll have the kids, as others have said it’s possible you could get/stay in the house. You really need some a good solicitor to outline your options.

Shmithecat2 · 19/03/2022 09:40

@mightbealittlebitmad

Yes that is correct.

The share I want to buy is worth £83250

I have a deposit of 30K

I need to borrow £53250

Lenders will only give me £30K so I would need to find another 20K.

I work 18 hours a week on minimum wage, I just started a new job to allow me to work 9-3 3 days a week whilst my children are in school and nursery. I use 22 hours a week all year round which is my funding, the youngest will be in nursery in the holidays and the eldest in a holiday club whilst I am at work.

I need to do more hours and have a contract stating that I will be working these hours.

I work Tuesday, Thursday and Friday 9-3, take the youngest to nursery for 8.30, eldest to school for 8.45, at work for 9am. Leave at 3 to then pick up the eldest and then the youngest. Their dad doesn't get back from work until 5pm so I have to do all of the school pick ups unless I pay for a childminder and then I can do a couple more hours a day at work. That is the intention going forwards but in order to claim the costs back through UC they have to be Ofsted registered and all of the ones in my local area are full at the moment. I will be using after school care from September to allow me to do 9-5 2 days a week if I can.

I will be getting approximately £43500 from the remortgage of the house. Out of that I need to repay a loan of 4K, solicitors fees, mortgage broker and buy furniture plus have a bit left over to allow me to pay for the summer holiday childcare upfront.

In order to get a mortgage I need a contract stating my hours and at the minute they only say 18. I can attempt to discuss options with my manager and see if I can do an extra day, pay for nursery, claim some of the childcare costs back and see if my husband will pay a bit more maintenance just to help cover the cost until September.

How is the £43500 figure worked out?
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 19/03/2022 09:51

Have you had advice from a solicitor? Your share of the assets could be worth more than you think. 50/50 is just a starting point.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 09:53

House value minus the amount remaining on the mortgage.

OP posts:
myceliumama · 19/03/2022 09:58

How much does your OH earn? What is his pension? What is the equity in your house?

biggreenhouse · 19/03/2022 10:00

what housing association is selling the shared ownership house you want OP? If its going to be a newbuild in this funding cycle they literally have to sell shared down to 10% or they won't be able to legally produce S/O at all.

Peasock · 19/03/2022 10:08

It's not the be all and end all, no, but if I had even a small chance of buying a house I would. Admittedly you need money for repairs etc as and when needed, but your payments are more of an investment; you get somewhere to live and when you sell you'll get money back too. I wasn't bothered before having children, but now I see it as a great way to hopefully provide a bit of financial security for them. You're also not at the mercy of a landlord giving you notice, raising prices or whatever else- unless you have a decent pension as well won't want to be paying rent in retirement. That said, if you could secure social housing which is increasingly unlikely these days I'd apply for that. Agree with others about working.

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 10:09

@myceliumama

How much does your OH earn? What is his pension? What is the equity in your house?
Basic salary is about £48000 No idea what the pension is worth Equity in the house upto £100,000 total, estate agents said anything between £210 and £220,000 as it's value.

Still have 123,000 left to pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 10:10

@biggreenhouse

what housing association is selling the shared ownership house you want OP? If its going to be a newbuild in this funding cycle they literally have to sell shared down to 10% or they won't be able to legally produce S/O at all.
Midland Heart

All new builds, shared ownership only, minimum share of 40% and no lower.

OP posts:
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 10:13

@Peasock

It's not the be all and end all, no, but if I had even a small chance of buying a house I would. Admittedly you need money for repairs etc as and when needed, but your payments are more of an investment; you get somewhere to live and when you sell you'll get money back too. I wasn't bothered before having children, but now I see it as a great way to hopefully provide a bit of financial security for them. You're also not at the mercy of a landlord giving you notice, raising prices or whatever else- unless you have a decent pension as well won't want to be paying rent in retirement. That said, if you could secure social housing which is increasingly unlikely these days I'd apply for that. Agree with others about working.
I am on the list for a council house and have been for 2 years but I know it's impossible unless I'm literally homeless and I'm not.

I need to ring the financial advisor on Monday to find out what is the minimum amount I can earn in order to get the money I need and go from there.

I can try and increase my hours in my new job or take some extra hours at my old job. Whatever hours I do have to be contracted otherwise I won't be accepted.

OP posts:
Wrinklepicker · 19/03/2022 10:29

You say your situation changes in six months when your youngest starts school. That isn’t a long time in the big scheme of things. I’d suggest riding it out till then and taking on the extra hours. Call in favours from friends and family to help out and give you some down time. It will be a hard six months but it will come round.

StarCourt · 19/03/2022 10:29

Have you actually spoken to the local SO schemes that say 40% and asked if they would accept a lower share?
Government rules are now that SO starts from a 10% share.
I moved into a 2 bed SO flat in January which was advertised at 40% but I told them I could only afford 25% ( which is true ) and they were fine with it. I'm also a single parent.
Previous to that we'd been private renting since 2013 after my divorce. And had to move twice due to landlords selling up.
SO is our security .

TheHoptimist · 19/03/2022 10:31

@Hellocatshome

I can work when I don't have the kids but I'll literally either be at work or with the kids and have no down time at all so that's not feasible.

I cant help with your house query but this sentence really stood out to me. You do realise that's how a large amount of people live dont you?

Working part time is a luxury that the vast majority of people cannot to afford
bellac11 · 19/03/2022 10:33

You dont say where in the country you live, it will depend on that as to how feasible buying is, but you dont want to be trying to find rent on a pension. You might need to move if you want to buy

TheHoptimist · 19/03/2022 10:34

Assuming you have lunch you work 15 hours a week
Home ownership is unlikely to be a viable option, you also need to have adequate income for the rent element

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 10:45

@Heronwatcher

You certainly can’t stay in the marriage. How about agreeing with your partner that you stay in the house until September and from now to then try to retrain to get a better paid job. If you’re separating you need to be financially independent. And yes I absolutely would be prioritising getting a property, otherwise you’ll face years of renting crap places having to move schools every time the landlord sells, and burn through the deposit on rent. Look at big 1 beds and have a sofa bed in the lounge. Work out when your partner will have the kids and work all the hours you can then. Even get a full time job which you know you might not be able to do long term, but do it for long enough to get a mortgage. You can make this work- not easy but possible.
How do you know she cant stay in the marriage, they havent started counselling yet and while its important, sex drives change over time and its about developing strategies to cope with that
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 10:59

@TheHoptimist

Assuming you have lunch you work 15 hours a week Home ownership is unlikely to be a viable option, you also need to have adequate income for the rent element
I don't have a break so I do 18 hours. If I pick up an extra day that's 24 a week, an extra 2 days that's 30 a week, minimum wage.

My next steps are to speak to the financial advisor to ask what the minimum hours are that I need to work, go to my manager to see if I can do those hours and have a contract for those hours, sort out an extra nursery day and then speak to the housing association to see if they will give me a couple of weeks to try get things sorted without giving the house to someone. I'm willing to pay a holding deposit but it depends if they will accept it before I have passed the affordability criteria.

OP posts:
Movingonup22 · 19/03/2022 11:02

I don’t understand why he gets to keep the house??? If you are the primary caregiver then you should at least get to stay in the house until the children turn 18 or leave education and he should contribute to the mortgage.

And you should get some of his pension etc

Have you good a good solicitor?? It sound to me like you are about to get very ripped off!

Whatadayyyy · 19/03/2022 11:04

You need to suck it up and work all that you can while you don’t have the kids. Sorry but that’s just the way it is! I’m not being mean, similar position here and yes you do need time to yourself but giving yourself and kids a stable home is more important.

Hellorhighwater · 19/03/2022 11:04

@Westfacing

Yes, owning a home really is all that - that's why your husband is staying put!
This. He should rent/buy elsewhere, as he has the means. Also, he should be having the kids fifty percent of the time so you get downtime. AND he should be paying fifty percent of their childcare, so you can BOTH work. Why does he get to work while you have the kids for nothing and bear the knock on financial consequences?

I think you need mediation to look at fair financial separation. There are some assumptions here that are deeply unfair. I get really annoyed about men wandering out of relationships with children, and getting to take them out every other weekend for jollies, whilst retaining the freedom to live and work as a single person, which includes more than adequate downtime and no restrictions on work. Meanwhile mothers are expected to reduce their working hours and opportunities around available childcare AND pay for it AND give up all their downtime AND still find some funds and energy to be a fun mum every other weekend. That’s not parenting, and men shouldn’t be allowed to keep pretending that it is.

Shmithecat2 · 19/03/2022 11:04

@mightbealittlebitmad if the £43500 is a straight split of equity and you're going to be the resident parent/main care giver of your children, you could almost certainly be entitled to more than 50%. You also need to find out what his pension pot is worth. Have you spoken to a solicitor at all?

Confusedteacher · 19/03/2022 11:09

Have you been to a solicitor? I agree it doesn’t seem fair that he gets to keep the house if you are the main care giver. From what I remember they start from a position of 50/50 but then allocate more to one or the other depending on their needs and expenses.

Having been in the experience of renting as a single parent, I would say it is a very precarious life. First of all no one wants to rent to you, I was told things like “the landlord wants a working family” ( I WAS working, and me and my DDs ARE a family!) or I failed their affordability checks as they didn’t take benefits into account. Once you find a place you can be kicked out with a few months’ notice if they decide they want to sell.

I would speak to a solicitor and find a solution that involves you buying a place- even if it means the family home being sold and both of you getting s smaller place.

lanbro · 19/03/2022 11:11

If you and your husband still love each other why is he not helping facilitate you being in the best position? Why are you the only one funding childcare to allow both of you to work?

When I left my xh I insisted on 50/50 childcare. This allows me to work 12 hours days when I don't have the dc but then just 6 hours when I do, which keeps my income up. He is responsible for sorting out any childcare needed on the days he has them

bellac11 · 19/03/2022 11:14

@Movingonup22

I don’t understand why he gets to keep the house??? If you are the primary caregiver then you should at least get to stay in the house until the children turn 18 or leave education and he should contribute to the mortgage.

And you should get some of his pension etc

Have you good a good solicitor?? It sound to me like you are about to get very ripped off!

I would have thought its obvious, she cant afford to buy him out.
Movingonup22 · 19/03/2022 11:17

@bellac11 - she doesn’t need to - that’s the point. If she’s the primary caregiver then he will be required to pay to house the children and her at least until 18/end of education. At the en did that the house would then be sold and proceeds split.