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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Is owning a house all that?

174 replies

mightbealittlebitmad · 18/03/2022 22:29

So my husband and I are mid separation because thing's aren't really working...

The idea is he will remortgage our current house to buy me out and I would put down said deposit for a shared ownership house..

Except I don't earn enough to get a mortgage for a shared ownership house!! I can only work 3 days a week around the kids so my income is limited and that's the deciding factor. Once my youngest is in school in September things can change but for now I'm stuck. I can work when I don't have the kids but I'll literally either be at work or with the kids and have no down time at all so that's not feasible. They are 4 and 6 so childcare isn't cheap, I use all of the nursery hours I'm entitled to all year round and can't even change it because no holiday club that his brother goes to will accept him until he's in school.

My options now are limited as there are no shared ownerships nearby with a lower share which could have been an option.

My choices are to spend the money I get from the house to live on or try to work things out. We don't want to break up but there are so many issues we need to work on and the idea was that I would buy and we would take things day by day but now that won't happen..

I don't have an issue with renting but it's so insecure and I could be asked to leave at anytime. With kids involved it's really not ideal, they need security.

I just feel so stuck, I either waste 30K on living expenses or I muddle about in a marriage desperately hoping we can turn it around and be properly happy.

Is owning a home really all that?!

OP posts:
ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 19/03/2022 12:47

I mean, owning a house isn't literally "all that", as in - being healthy and so on is more important.
But UK house prices are insane and will probably keep going up, so it's better to have one than not. And as you mention, there are stability issues. And you don't want yo be paying rent out of a pension (eventually).
But if you can't swing it, the of course renting is absolutely fine.
What about buying a small flat and renting it out, and then you rent somewhere else?

Templeblossom · 19/03/2022 12:49

@ImplementingTheDennisSystem

I mean, owning a house isn't literally "all that", as in - being healthy and so on is more important. But UK house prices are insane and will probably keep going up, so it's better to have one than not. And as you mention, there are stability issues. And you don't want yo be paying rent out of a pension (eventually). But if you can't swing it, the of course renting is absolutely fine. What about buying a small flat and renting it out, and then you rent somewhere else?
Please read the full thread. Her DH is pushing for this so that he can take advantage of the OP
forcedfun · 19/03/2022 12:51

Op. As others have said. The way I did it as a single mum was to have no "me time". Either parenting or working and getting just about enough sleep! I am glad I did as it enabled me to remain a homeowner and climb the career ladder.

BobblyBlueJumper · 19/03/2022 13:01

If he earns 48k then 58 quid a week on childcare is more than affordable.

Either way, not your issue. You should only be paying for childcare on days you have the children.

tothemoonandbackbuses · 19/03/2022 13:09

Surely you don’t have to pay him for your car. He has a car so you own half of that. Half the furniture is yours. Half his pension. And if he’s on 48k it will be a fair bit.

Movingonup22 · 19/03/2022 13:14

He’s really taking the piss OP - I suspect he’s eroded your confidence over a long period of time.

I would suggest getting a good solicitor and continue topmost on here as I’ve seem women get great advice and support during divorces on here xx

cleocleo24 · 19/03/2022 13:52

Why would you have the dcs all the time you weren't working? Can't your DH have them too?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 19/03/2022 13:54

He is being outrageous OP.

Re his outlook on the car, for starters. He clearly doesn’t understand marital assets.

His pension is an asset.

Do not agree to ANYTHING until you have seen a solicitor.

It isn’t just a case of ‘he waltzes off with as much as HE thinks he is entitled to and then the benefits system mops up the rest’.

Villagewaspbyke · 19/03/2022 13:57

The problem is that your income is so low that you can’t afford to buy him out even if you were to get all the equity. I would double you could get spousal at his salary either. I would check how much the pension abs other assets are to try to get more deposit for a shared ownership property

SynchOrSwim · 19/03/2022 14:03

It would be really helpful if you could answer some of the questions people have asked.

Why should he not pay for childcare on his days?

Why would you only get half the equity if you are both the lower earner and the primary caregiver?

Maxiedog123 · 19/03/2022 14:08

He can't have it both ways, if he has the kids 3 days a week he pays less CMS, but pays childcare on those days.

biggreenhouse · 19/03/2022 14:18

@mightbealittlebitmad I've just checked their website and they have this (see screen shot if it works). so you really should @given them a call and ask them how they are achieving this and what schemes are coming up for you to apply for the small shares.

Is owning a house all that?
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 14:29

@SynchOrSwim

It would be really helpful if you could answer some of the questions people have asked.

Why should he not pay for childcare on his days?

Why would you only get half the equity if you are both the lower earner and the primary caregiver?

He should pay for childcare but he might not be able to afford it so if he can't then I'll have to get them from school.

I get half of everything because that's the fair way. I have always had a low wage, granted it's lower because I haven't been able to work full time because of the kids but it's always been low.

OP posts:
MaryAndHerNet · 19/03/2022 14:37

Is owning a home all that?

For me, personally, no.

I had a mortgage and such once and I absolutely hated it. I felt trapped and liable for all manner of issues that played on my mind.

I moved there and all was ok.

Then a new neighbour came along, noisy, music, kids screaming.. I couldn't do anything about it.
Boiler went, £900 minimum fix, couldn't afford it.
Wind blew tree down, my responsibility and I went in to debt to sort.
Roof got a leak, drip drip drip into my bedroom... £100 for someone to look, £100 to fix, another £100 cause first fix did nothing, another £100 as second fix didn't fix, several £££ for new roof.. no thanks.
New neighbours across the way, seemed nice at first, mum and 2 kids.. the dad wasn't around for 6 months... then he got out and came home.. motorcycles, noise, drugs, alcohol fuelled parties, police presence regularly...

Fuck it all I said and sold up to an investor and moved back to private renting.
Problem neighbour? I'm gone
Dodgy boiler, landlord fix
Dodgy roof, landlord fix
Etc.

Owning maybe more secure, but it can be a very secure noose.

Getoutofbed25 · 19/03/2022 14:42

Some thoughts, sorry if they have been discussed:
Could your husband act as guarantor for your new mortage?
In all of this why will you do all the childcare, all pick ups and drop offs but he has no change to his routine. He will need to financially support his children
You need to find out about all assets he has, savings, bonds, UT’s, pensions, these will form part of the settlement
Don’t leave your current house, he needs to fund the mortage as it’s a joint liability so can’t just stop paying it

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 19/03/2022 14:44

But if you're working too then you just can't get them from school either. So he'll have to figure something out.

howtomoveforwards · 19/03/2022 15:03

I won't have downtime if I'm working all the time he has the kids. That is the only way I will ever be able to up my hours without paying for childcare

That's single parenting, I'm afraid. I've been doing it for 13 years. I didn't go out at all for about the first 5 because I had no money and no babysitters and had to work. It is easier now - but that's only because I invested huge time and effort into training in the early years and used that dead time with young children effectively. I still work when my kids are with dad but my bank balance is healthy and I am currently having a new roof on my house and paying for that in full with no loans or credit cards.

If you want security for yourself for the future, you have to change your mindset to think about the long term 'what ifs....' and manage your own futures.

StarCourt · 19/03/2022 15:54

@mightbealittlebitmad you don't seem
To want to answer any questions but you won't get the best advice without doing so. If you don't want to answer any questions just say so

Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 16:22

[quote StarCourt]@mightbealittlebitmad you don't seem
To want to answer any questions but you won't get the best advice without doing so. If you don't want to answer any questions just say so[/quote]
I don't really know what you want me to answer?

OP posts:
Original poster
mightbealittlebitmad · 19/03/2022 16:32

So to potentially answer questions...

No I haven't had legal advice, I didn't think I needed to but I think I perhaps do. I contacted a solicitor yesterday and asked them to give me a call.

Assets planned to be split 50/50 because that seems the fairest way.

Childcare will be paid for my be for holiday club because I'll be claiming it back via UC for the days I work. He will have to have one day a week to look after the kids and I will work and not pay childcare.

Currently I'm doing all of the school runs because I live in the house which is a mile away and my hours fit. If I moved he would use breakfast club for the mornings he was doing the school run, after school care is very expensive so I don't know if he could pay it but it would mean me doing the school run, not being able to work later, taking them back to mine for the sake of 2 hours, feeding them and then him picking them up. Seems like a cop out on his end but if he can't afford it someone has to have them and it would be me because he can't leave work early enough.

I can't stay in the house, he would have to give me at least £200 plus child maintenance plus childcare and it does become unaffordable. I'm happy to buy a shared ownership house if I can figure out a way of increasing my hours to do so.

On Monday I will be ringing the financial advisor to discuss how to get a mortgage, speaking to my new manager, my old manager and trying to sort something out.

Nothing I can do now it's the weekend.

OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 19/03/2022 16:59

Assets planned to be split 50/50 because that seems the fairest way

But assets includes his pension built up while you looked after the children, and while you were married. Married means you become a legal partnership with assets owned by the partnership.

How come he (presumably) gets a car paid for within the marriage but you are expected to pay for yours individually?

What he and you are talking about is not fair!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 19/03/2022 17:01

Anyway, it’s good you will speak with a solicitor and I hope that makes things clearer and ultimately a bit easier for you.

Dailywalk · 19/03/2022 17:04

Sorry OP but he’s telling you he’s can’t afford childcare because he knows you’re his back up. Not only are you taking on the childcare but it’s restricting your options in terms of work. He’s only thinking of himself here. He’s getting to stay in the house, and keep his career going while you’re left unable to afford anywhere to live or able to work any decent hours in order to improve your situation.
Get some advice.

Floralnomad · 19/03/2022 17:14

Why don’t you move into a flat share and let him do a few months of being home with the kids and sorting them out , paying for childcare etc , they are his kids as well let him have his turn .

Gazelda · 19/03/2022 17:16

OP, you're trying to be fair to him.
But he's not being fair to you or the DC.
Can't you see that?

You need professional advice. A clean sheet of paper. Decide between you what is in the best interests of the children, and then work out how to make that happen. You may a mediator to help you reach a fair agreement that you are both happy with.

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