Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Wife left in huge rage. Don't know where she has gone. I am really worried

138 replies

Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 08:12

She left Saturday. Has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while.
We've not been getting along for a while also.

She said in an argument that she wants a divorce and is moving out to one of her properties in April.

She left Saturday and has not returned.

She took her work laptop, phones, toothbrush and paste.

No activity via joint account but she has her own separate account, so she's probably using that to stay in a hotel.

I noticed she was on WhatsApp Sunday morning then I messaged saying to contact for dd7 sake as she been crying. She's not read message but she's changed privacy settings on her WhatsApp so can't see when she's been active.

I contacted her brother and he said he had spoken to her on Monday.

Dd7 has tried calling her but phone is going to voicemail.

I've got all sorts of awful worries going through my incase she does something stupid.

She has left before and stayed in a hotel I think for 1 night then returned.

Am I panicking too early?

OP posts:
SausagePourHomme · 22/02/2022 08:15

You started another thread on this didn't you?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 08:17

@SausagePourHomme

You started another thread on this didn't you?
I did a few days ago.

I am wanting support

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 22/02/2022 08:22

Sounds like you need to give her some space.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 08:24

@HeddaGarbled

Sounds like you need to give her some space.
I get it. I am just worried she's done something stupid.

If she was in a hotel and she did do something silly, would staff enter room if she has do not disturb sign on door?

OP posts:
ImaginaryCat · 22/02/2022 08:25

If there was no child involved I'd agree with giving her space, but there's a 7 yr old girl who's missing her mum. As a parent you simply don't get to demand 'space'.
Whatever the outcome here, OP, I hope you're planning to apply to be the resident parent.

NoSquirrels · 22/02/2022 08:31

Do you have reason to believe she’d attempt?

She’s told you she wants a divorce and has a plan to move to a property. That sounds like she’s planning on sticking around.

If you’ve spoken to her brother and he says she’s OK - by Monday do you mean yesterday, 2 days after she left? Or the previous Monday? - then really the main issue is contact with your DD as a 7-year-old being worried about Mum isn’t great.

Your job is to make sure your DD isn’t worried. Do not let any of your anxiety show.

Get her brother to pass a message on that DD would like to see/speak to her Mum and you will support that without any contact with you if that’s what she needs - brother to help out? Grandparents?

Icenii · 22/02/2022 08:32

I agree, you need to focus on your daughter. I'd be concerned about the affect on her. Her mum has walked out and left her and is making no effort to contact her. A child will take that to mean they are not loved or have done something wrong. She may also be worried about you and what you may do.

It's terrible. Is your wife's family concerned ?

OneSwallow · 22/02/2022 08:56

Agree you need to focus on your daughter and get social services involved perhaps so this is on record. You may need it for future custody hearings.

cansu · 22/02/2022 09:00

Ones wallow
Social services will not be interested in the fact that a marriage has broken down and one party has left for a few days. The OP knows his wife has left him. He should pass on to the brother that the dd would like to speak to her mum.

SpikeySmooth · 22/02/2022 09:12

Apart from reporting to the police as a missing person I don't know what else you can do.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 09:19

I am female also. Not that it makes any difference.

Worried about the impact this is having on dd7. She was crying last night saying she missed her mum and its her fault she's left.

OP posts:
TuscanApothecary · 22/02/2022 09:24

So explore why she thinks that, don't let her internalise that mesg and do something fun with her if you're off for half term.

This marriage is dead OP, she's left, time to pull yourself together as much as you can when you're with your daughter and start to think about the future. Break ups are so hard, treat yourself kindly. Stop worrying about whether she is contacting you or dd. You concentrate on you and dd and what she decides to do she will do.

Snowdon564 · 22/02/2022 09:30

Well it’s your job to reassure her she isn’t the reason her mums left.

Concentrate on your daughter and give your wife some space.

As a female yourself, you surly must know that she has been pushed to the brink beyond measure to walk out and leave her daughter behind for a few days, as we very very rarely do that.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 22/02/2022 09:53

You know she is OK.
She has money, she took her essentials, she has places to go and has been in contact with people she wants to be in contact with.

You are using ‘worry’ as a pretext.

I am sorry your marriage is breaking down though.

PP are right. Legit to send a message via brother that Dd is distressed and needs contact. Emphasise that this can take place limited to contact with the child and no communication with you.

Meanwhile stop your ‘worrying’ and do the right thing in reassuring your child and being the grown up parent.

Scbchl · 22/02/2022 09:55

Her brother spoke to her yesterday so I wouldn't be worrying for her safety. Shes just not wanting any contact with you obviously if she's taken her stuff and said she wants a divorce and things haven't been okay. I think you need to respect that.

How long have you been together?

HomeHomeInTheRange · 22/02/2022 09:56

@SpikeySmooth

Apart from reporting to the police as a missing person I don't know what else you can do.
And this would be very counter productive. She isn’t missing, her brother knows where she is, she just doesn’t want contact with the OP. If my STBX contacted the police under these circs I would take it as a sign of harassment and control.

Total waste of police time.

toomuchlaundry · 22/02/2022 09:56

If I am right the DD is adopted and has attachment issues. A mum just disappearing will be even more traumatic for her

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 22/02/2022 09:58

You're all being extraordinarily sympathetic towards a woman who walked out on her kid and hasn't even bothered to call her to let her know her mum's ok and still loves her.

ABitBesotted · 22/02/2022 10:00

Worried about the impact this is having on dd7. She was crying last night saying she missed her mum and its her fault she's left.

This is normal. She needs lots of reassurance. Don't show you are worried and don't be negative about wife in front of the child.

What your wife is doing to the kid is a disgrace. Definitely apply to be resident parent.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 10:04

@HomeHomeInTheRange

You know she is OK. She has money, she took her essentials, she has places to go and has been in contact with people she wants to be in contact with.

You are using ‘worry’ as a pretext.

I am sorry your marriage is breaking down though.

PP are right. Legit to send a message via brother that Dd is distressed and needs contact. Emphasise that this can take place limited to contact with the child and no communication with you.

Meanwhile stop your ‘worrying’ and do the right thing in reassuring your child and being the grown up parent.

Only thing she has taken is laptop and phones tooth brush and paste. Can't see she has taken clothes
OP posts:
Babadook76 · 22/02/2022 10:05

What is happening in your wife’s life to make her so unhappy? I think people are being pretty harsh here without knowing the back story, especially when she has mental health issues, she may be having a breakdown. I don’t know the circumstances of how she left but I think you should shield your daughter from it as much as possible. My oh had a breakdown during the first lockdown and went missing for 4 days. I know not everyone may agree with lying but I told the kids he’d been working away and had no phone signal. It saved a lot of distress. I’d try not to get upset around her at least

SunnySideDownBriefly · 22/02/2022 10:08

I'm so sorry she's put you in this position . I think you're getting a poor response here because there isn't any back story.

Without understanding the situation, walking out on your daughter is a complete dereliction of duty. It's neglect and by not communicating with your daughter she is being extremely abusive. Does she have as close a bond with dd as you do? Has she been abusive towards her before?

If you can, I would try to carry on as usual and ignore what is going on with your dw. Let her do her thing and think carefully about whether you really want to be with her. Why are you worrying so much? She doesn't sound like she is planning suicide. Is she a controlling person? Stop panicking and start planning. Try and have fun with your dd in the meantime and de-escalate the situation so dd doesn't feel the tension. This could really scar her if she is sensing your fear as well as being rejected by her Mum. She has you and all she needs is one stable and loving parent.

Bagelsandbrie · 22/02/2022 10:09

@Babadook76

What is happening in your wife’s life to make her so unhappy? I think people are being pretty harsh here without knowing the back story, especially when she has mental health issues, she may be having a breakdown. I don’t know the circumstances of how she left but I think you should shield your daughter from it as much as possible. My oh had a breakdown during the first lockdown and went missing for 4 days. I know not everyone may agree with lying but I told the kids he’d been working away and had no phone signal. It saved a lot of distress. I’d try not to get upset around her at least
I agree with this.

She hasn’t been gone long and I think you need to respect the fact she’s asked for space. It’s difficult when there’s a child involved but people go away for work for longer without contact so at this point I wouldn’t worry too much. Just reassure your child and hopefully she will get in touch soon.

What has led up to this?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 10:15

We've just struggled on with dd7 behaviour. She's been hitting us. Dw can't handle her as she is weak and dd7 is strong. We are getting therapy for dd to help with behaviour etc.

Dw and I both have different parenting styles. Yes. I think dw is controlling. She is depressed also

OP posts:
Ttcfinalbub · 22/02/2022 10:37

I'm sorry but the items she packed and her plan tells me she's in fine mental health she has checked out of the family unit.

Your dd from my memory is adopted and has abandonment issues and trauma she needs you right now, she also needs answers and your wife is being a selfish c by not providing her with any love nor reassurance it isn't healthy for dd who already clearly has issues. Your wife cannot be doing this to her it is abusive as far as I'm concerned you both took on the role of adopting this girl and your wife is acting like a teenager with no regards to others feelings. The girl will be in turmoil considering their last encounter and would probably benefit from some extra therapy asap.

I feel for you I truely do but at this point you need to be the parent you made a commitment to be and plan yours and dds life together and show her she can rely on you and show yourself you deserve better then what you're going through.