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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Wife left in huge rage. Don't know where she has gone. I am really worried

138 replies

Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 08:12

She left Saturday. Has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while.
We've not been getting along for a while also.

She said in an argument that she wants a divorce and is moving out to one of her properties in April.

She left Saturday and has not returned.

She took her work laptop, phones, toothbrush and paste.

No activity via joint account but she has her own separate account, so she's probably using that to stay in a hotel.

I noticed she was on WhatsApp Sunday morning then I messaged saying to contact for dd7 sake as she been crying. She's not read message but she's changed privacy settings on her WhatsApp so can't see when she's been active.

I contacted her brother and he said he had spoken to her on Monday.

Dd7 has tried calling her but phone is going to voicemail.

I've got all sorts of awful worries going through my incase she does something stupid.

She has left before and stayed in a hotel I think for 1 night then returned.

Am I panicking too early?

OP posts:
drpet49 · 22/02/2022 10:39

Agree you need to focus on your daughter and get social services involved perhaps so this is on record. You may need it for future custody hearings.

^This without a doubt.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 10:40

@Ttcfinalbub

I'm sorry but the items she packed and her plan tells me she's in fine mental health she has checked out of the family unit.

Your dd from my memory is adopted and has abandonment issues and trauma she needs you right now, she also needs answers and your wife is being a selfish c by not providing her with any love nor reassurance it isn't healthy for dd who already clearly has issues. Your wife cannot be doing this to her it is abusive as far as I'm concerned you both took on the role of adopting this girl and your wife is acting like a teenager with no regards to others feelings. The girl will be in turmoil considering their last encounter and would probably benefit from some extra therapy asap.

I feel for you I truely do but at this point you need to be the parent you made a commitment to be and plan yours and dds life together and show her she can rely on you and show yourself you deserve better then what you're going through.

Thank you. I've emailed the therapists and told them what's happened. Told them that dd7 is Blaming herself for argument and mum leaving. I've asked if they can see her this week to help her process this. Told them what I've told dd7 also
OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 10:41

@drpet49

*Agree you need to focus on your daughter and get social services involved perhaps so this is on record. You may need it for future custody hearings.*

^This without a doubt.

Going to do this also so it's on record
OP posts:
Ttcfinalbub · 22/02/2022 10:47

Hopefully they can see her soon and you try focus on you two just now try not to make any promises that you can't 100% keep ( I.e your wife's return ) this might band aid the situation for a bit but if the promise doesn't come true dd may feel more hurt and anger long term . Have you got support of family or freinds ? Make sure to reassure her when she blames herself that absolutely everyone makes mistakes BUT that doesn't mean we cause other's reaction and that you are there for her through good and bad. Has dd established freinds around you yet as well could arrange some fun time for her to be a kiddo ? Keep yourself and her busy, let yourself deal with what's also happening to you but try keep it hidden from dd. As others have said I would try get a message to wife but mention absolutely nothing about the relationship and tell her this little girl needs just even 10 minutes of her time for reassurance.

Bananawings · 22/02/2022 11:14

We've just struggled on with dd7 behaviour. She's been hitting us. Dw can't handle her as she is weak and dd7 is strong. We are getting therapy for dd to help with behaviour etc.

Sorry you are going through this and I hope your dc and your dw are ok, but out of interest, why are you describing your DW as "weak" in this way? It strikes me as a bit cold?

Most parents have things they are good at, and not so good at, when it comes to parenting and raising a child with attachment issues is probably one of the most stressful things a couple can ever do. It was very wrong of your dw to abandon her child like this without talking to her, but I can't help feeling there is a back story here. If she is seriously depressed she may not be thinking straight and may feel like her child is better off without her. Or she may need a pause from all the stress to recover and be in a position to see her child again? Had she been having treatment for her anxiety and depression op? Did they come on after she became a parent? I think I remember reading that adoptive parents can get a form of P"N" D even when the adopted child is much longer for.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2022 11:20

Tell her school so they can keep an eye out if she needs more support.

You have no reason to believe she’s a danger to herself. She took the essentials, it’s not like she walked out in her pjs in the middle of the night. She’s in touch with relatives.

Focus on your DD, distracting, reassuring, comforting as needed. You’re wasting time and energy trying to second guess your wife.

She’ll come back or she won’t. As the other parent it’s your job to step up and make sure your DD isn’t blaming herself and get her any other support that would help.

Snowdon564 · 22/02/2022 11:25

She probably means weak as in physically.

I’m physically weak and a strong 7 year old can hurt me, I don’t have strength to restrain, I once struggled to get my 3 year old in a buggy when they do that tense straight body thing. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Bananawings · 22/02/2022 11:32

@Snowdon564

She probably means weak as in physically.

I’m physically weak and a strong 7 year old can hurt me, I don’t have strength to restrain, I once struggled to get my 3 year old in a buggy when they do that tense straight body thing. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Oh I see! Sorry if I misunderstood.
SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 22/02/2022 11:38

If the DW was a man he would be getting torn apart by MN right now.
I think the only reason people weren't being more sympathetic with OP was they assumed she was a man.

She's being an utter cunt to have walked out on her family. I know that doesn't help your DD but I wouldn't let someone who can so easily abandon their child back into my life.
All you can do is send a message via the brother as suggested above. Give your wife a chance to reach out and help your DD. As hard as it must be for you, keep it together and seek out any and all help you can to ensure your dd suffers as little as possible

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 12:05

@Bananawings

We've just struggled on with dd7 behaviour. She's been hitting us. Dw can't handle her as she is weak and dd7 is strong. We are getting therapy for dd to help with behaviour etc.

Sorry you are going through this and I hope your dc and your dw are ok, but out of interest, why are you describing your DW as "weak" in this way? It strikes me as a bit cold?

Most parents have things they are good at, and not so good at, when it comes to parenting and raising a child with attachment issues is probably one of the most stressful things a couple can ever do. It was very wrong of your dw to abandon her child like this without talking to her, but I can't help feeling there is a back story here. If she is seriously depressed she may not be thinking straight and may feel like her child is better off without her. Or she may need a pause from all the stress to recover and be in a position to see her child again? Had she been having treatment for her anxiety and depression op? Did they come on after she became a parent? I think I remember reading that adoptive parents can get a form of P"N" D even when the adopted child is much longer for.

She is physically weak and can't remove dd7 when she is hitting
OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 22/02/2022 12:10

If you are concerned about your wife’s safety then contact the police on the non emergency phone number and they can do a welfare check.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 13:23

@Duracellbunnywannabe

If you are concerned about your wife’s safety then contact the police on the non emergency phone number and they can do a welfare check.
How would they be able to find her?
OP posts:
Bananawings · 22/02/2022 13:25

She is physically weak and can't remove dd7 when she is hitting

I apologise for misunderstanding op. This sounds like a very high stress situation for all concerned. I hope you and your dw gave had good rl support from the adoption agencies.

apologise

JamieNorthlife · 22/02/2022 13:57

How would they be able to find her?

Can you give the police the brother's contact as he knows her location?

SandyY2K · 22/02/2022 14:05

If the DW was a man he would be getting torn apart by MN right now.
I think the only reason people weren't being more sympathetic with OP was they assumed she was a man.

💯 absolutely bang on.

The comments have changed on discovery that the OP is female too.
Funny how OP was getting blamed initially.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 22/02/2022 14:23

Yes, obviously all they would tell you is she is safe.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 14:26

@JamieNorthlife

How would they be able to find her?

Can you give the police the brother's contact as he knows her location?

He doesn't know where she is either as she didn't discuss eith him that there is a fall out
OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 15:01

I've informed our therapist and she is going to ring me this evening. She will give advice on what to say to dd.

OP posts:
HomeHomeInTheRange · 22/02/2022 18:55

Really glad you are getting some professional support OP.

And thank you for filling in the background to this.

It does sound, one way or another, that your DW has found herself unable to cope with your (difficult) parenting situation.

And obviously she has taken the worst possible route for a child with attachment/ security / abandonment issues. I would be very upset with that and not want to risk this happening again Sad

I hope your therapist can help.

worriedatthemoment · 22/02/2022 20:56

@SandyY2K always the case on here

SpaceshiptoMars · 22/02/2022 21:10

These days, adopted children can come with horrific back stories. Support is not great, particularly once you've signed on the dotted line. Try not to judge this mum. Sometimes adoptive parents find they really have bitten off far more than they can chew.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 22:20

I spoke to dd this evening and said sometimes grown-ups have big feelings and sometimes we might shout at each other. Sometimes this is not ok and not ok for children to hear. We both still love you no matter what and its NOT your fault that this happened.

Not sure she believed me but I will keep reinforcing this with her.

Therapist rang this evening and she told me that's the right thing to do. Lots of cuddles and kisses etc which is what I am doing. (I always do that anyway)

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 24/02/2022 09:40

Her brother has been in touch with her. So I know she is ok.

She has blocked my number and not made any contact at all.

Poor dd7. She is getting lots of kisses and cuddles and reassurance. I've told her therapist what has happened so when they next see her next week they will help.

Think dw is having some sort of break down
Don't know if she is going to have contact with dd7.

It's all such a mess

OP posts:
Ttcfinalbub · 24/02/2022 10:08

Time for you to start planning your new life Flowers

Have you got rl support for yourself?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 24/02/2022 12:42

@Ttcfinalbub

Time for you to start planning your new life Flowers

Have you got rl support for yourself?

I've got a few close friends who are helping me out. I've also got help from a local women's group as I am finding this tough.

I am not sure whether I should apply for financial help. What if she puts money in joint account like normal?

OP posts:
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