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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Wife left in huge rage. Don't know where she has gone. I am really worried

138 replies

Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 08:12

She left Saturday. Has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while.
We've not been getting along for a while also.

She said in an argument that she wants a divorce and is moving out to one of her properties in April.

She left Saturday and has not returned.

She took her work laptop, phones, toothbrush and paste.

No activity via joint account but she has her own separate account, so she's probably using that to stay in a hotel.

I noticed she was on WhatsApp Sunday morning then I messaged saying to contact for dd7 sake as she been crying. She's not read message but she's changed privacy settings on her WhatsApp so can't see when she's been active.

I contacted her brother and he said he had spoken to her on Monday.

Dd7 has tried calling her but phone is going to voicemail.

I've got all sorts of awful worries going through my incase she does something stupid.

She has left before and stayed in a hotel I think for 1 night then returned.

Am I panicking too early?

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 25/02/2022 05:20

@Whiteminnowfish

I've been told by our psychologist that she is not thinking straight because of the high levels of depression and anxiety she has.

Still can't understand it though

I know I can only speak for myself, but when I was at my lowest I was utterly suicidal and wanted to run away. But I'm a single parent, so that was never an option. What I had to do was get myself some support, ask for help and make sure my children were cared for, even when I couldn't do it myself. That's basic parenting. She has chosen to disappear and be uncontactable and poor mental health is no excuse. So I don't blame you for not understanding. I don't either.

I'm so sorry for you and DD that you're having to cope with this.

mathanxiety · 25/02/2022 05:40

The police can ping her phone and find her. Phones send signals to transmission towers at intervals. Those signals can be tracked.

They can do a wellness check. Someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety needs to be tracked down.

BeaverTeeth · 25/02/2022 06:08

I suffer with anxiety and depression to a severe level. It's utterly horrendous.

Except this is not about me . This is your thread.

But what I do know is my Children are my priority. I am sorry that your wife is poorly but I don't think it's okay for her to just up and leave when a seven year old is involved. Not one bit.

Bonzoman · 25/02/2022 07:00

You will need to make a claim for Universal Credit and declare your rental properties. This will then be assessed by a decision maker to see if you are entitled to claim. Prior to making a claim you may wish to use a benefit calculator at gov.uk . I normally use entitled 2 . This will give you an indication of what you could get provided the decision maker allows ur claim.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 09:13

@mathanxiety

The police can ping her phone and find her. Phones send signals to transmission towers at intervals. Those signals can be tracked.

They can do a wellness check. Someone who is suffering from depression and anxiety needs to be tracked down.

Her brother spoke to her the other day and yesterday she had transferred money from our joint account to pay for dd Maths tutor. So I know she is ok

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 25/02/2022 09:23

Then it’s time to see a lawyer and start making arrangements for your DD.
If you know she’s alright, then it’s time to start getting pragmatic and to coin a well used MN phrase…..get your ducks in a row.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 10:11

@FelicityPike

Then it’s time to see a lawyer and start making arrangements for your DD. If you know she’s alright, then it’s time to start getting pragmatic and to coin a well used MN phrase…..get your ducks in a row.

I haven't got any money to speak to a lawyer. Most don't offer the free advice now either

OP posts:
OneSwallow · 25/02/2022 10:16

Are you the mother or is she? I’m not clear.

CharacterForming · 25/02/2022 10:24

@OneSwallow

Are you the mother or is she? I’m not clear.
Daughter is adopted.
OneSwallow · 25/02/2022 10:27

So this poor child is adopted and now one of her parents has just abandoned her? Awful.

Ttcfinalbub · 25/02/2022 10:32

Have you ran a check on entitled to ?

Universal cred you can apply for it takes a long time but if you're not entitled then they won't pay so seems harmless to me as long as you keep them updated. When would your wife usually pay in ?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 10:39

@Ttcfinalbub

Have you ran a check on entitled to ?

Universal cred you can apply for it takes a long time but if you're not entitled then they won't pay so seems harmless to me as long as you keep them updated. When would your wife usually pay in ?

I've got a meeting next week for a benefit check.
Dw would normally pay in on 15th of the month.

Surely I can't be left eith nothing trying to bring a child up on my own??

OP posts:
OneSwallow · 25/02/2022 10:41

Do you not work?

Ttcfinalbub · 25/02/2022 10:51

Okay nice job.

You won't be left with nothing especially with a child and even more so a vunerable child. The problem is because your wife is being selfish you have no idea what's going on which makes it difficult.

I.e she may do the decent thing and pay as normal so you're stable.

She may not pay anything bar extras for dd ( maths tuition

It's really hard to figure out when she won't communicate any plans at all

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 10:54

@OneSwallow

Do you not work?

I work part time. No chance of upping hours where I currently work.
Don't feel emotionally strong enough to enter into a new full time job, as will have to be on the ball and impress.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 11:28

I know this may sound strange but I miss her. I am resentful at the same time. Resentful for doing this do out dd. She doesn't deserve this. She's already been through enough.

But I do miss her. I think it's because I realise her mental health is not good.

Please help me be strong

OP posts:
kittensinthekitchen · 25/02/2022 11:32

This is possibly going to sound harsh, so I apologise in advance if it upsets you.

Your recent threads about this make it sound like your wife has just upped and left out of nowhere, hence people posting concerns for her mental health.
A quick search of your previous posts shows that you have pretty much separated. You have been sleeping separately, you have been asking advice on claiming benefits as a single adult. Your wife has asked for a divorce on several occasions and had said she is going to move out. This shouldn't be a big surprise to you, should it?

Having no contact with her daughter is not okay, but many couples who separate do similar in the early days.

What exactly is it you are concerned about?

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 11:43

I agree with the above post OP. Sorry its shit for you right now but you've been flogging a dead horse for ages and that's why your wife left you like this. I tried to split with my ex multiple times and he wouldn't agree to it so we parted abruptly when I couldn't take anymore.

But it's OK, you will be fine, you can do this. Let go of the resentment, plan a lovely future for yourself and dd. I think you really need your own counselling and your own support groups.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 11:50

@kittensinthekitchen

This is possibly going to sound harsh, so I apologise in advance if it upsets you.

Your recent threads about this make it sound like your wife has just upped and left out of nowhere, hence people posting concerns for her mental health.
A quick search of your previous posts shows that you have pretty much separated. You have been sleeping separately, you have been asking advice on claiming benefits as a single adult. Your wife has asked for a divorce on several occasions and had said she is going to move out. This shouldn't be a big surprise to you, should it?

Having no contact with her daughter is not okay, but many couples who separate do similar in the early days.

What exactly is it you are concerned about?

Now you put it like that it helps make me see the bigger picture. I tried and tried and my best wasn't good enough.

So I understand why she left.

OP posts:
Jvg33 · 25/02/2022 12:06

You need to claim full custody of DD. Get this in motion now. Your partner is a liability. Your daughter is 7! You are the stable one who doesn't run away from parental responsibility. I know you are worried about your partner but unfortunately she is an adult and makes her own choices. You need to protect your daughter. Can you imagine if you get 50/50 split and your ex partner decides to go away for a few days and leaves DD at home?

Jvg33 · 25/02/2022 12:10

You can file for divorce if you are married. You are entitled to some money if she is the breadwinner etc and has a pension.

TuscanApothecary · 25/02/2022 12:12

I really think you need to get some real life emotional support OP. You sound in a very bad place in your recent threads. You're being very black and white in your thinking with putting blame on her and then taking it all on yourself. That's a sign of being in survival mode. Please start journalling, I find writing - I have fear and then writing all the things I'm scared about, then finishing with I release these fears, very helpful.

Get some fresh air every day.

If you and dd have to live on ready meals for a week to avoid cooking and cleaning up the mess then do it. Ring your friends, process this split and start looking forward to the future.

Maybe change your furniture around or decorate a small room.

Meditate and do yoga with dd. Honestly this will help you both feel your feelings and work through them.

Your dd is going to be dysregulated because of her trauma. You are dysregulated too. Do things to regulate you both.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 13:12

I don't think I have put blame on her. My feelings are that we are both to blame for this.

I feel so alone.m

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 14:39

I rang her father this morning and told him she'd left and I don't know where she is and if she is safe.

He said he would ring her brother (who had spoken to her on Tuesday).

30 mind later she sends me a text saying: can you stop contacting my family about my whereabouts. I am safe. I do not want contact from you.

I am just bereft. She hasn't even asked about our dd.

I am just so shocked

OP posts:
OneSwallow · 26/02/2022 16:16

You need to forget about her and focus on your daughter. You need to step up for her sake as you are effectively her only parent now.

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