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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Wife left in huge rage. Don't know where she has gone. I am really worried

138 replies

Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 08:12

She left Saturday. Has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while.
We've not been getting along for a while also.

She said in an argument that she wants a divorce and is moving out to one of her properties in April.

She left Saturday and has not returned.

She took her work laptop, phones, toothbrush and paste.

No activity via joint account but she has her own separate account, so she's probably using that to stay in a hotel.

I noticed she was on WhatsApp Sunday morning then I messaged saying to contact for dd7 sake as she been crying. She's not read message but she's changed privacy settings on her WhatsApp so can't see when she's been active.

I contacted her brother and he said he had spoken to her on Monday.

Dd7 has tried calling her but phone is going to voicemail.

I've got all sorts of awful worries going through my incase she does something stupid.

She has left before and stayed in a hotel I think for 1 night then returned.

Am I panicking too early?

OP posts:

Ttcfinalbub · 24/02/2022 13:12

Good I'm glad to hear you have support !

Regarding finances I don't know your current situation/system but I would put in a universal credit claim as a single person. To me your wife probably won't put any money in so to me you should focus on making sure you and dd are covered

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 24/02/2022 13:16

[quote Ttcfinalbub]Good I'm glad to hear you have support !

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 13:20

When does the money become an issue? When would you know if she's put money in as normal? Can you manage without her money if need be (in the very short term I mean).

If you can I'd leave it till that point and see what she does. If youncant manage then I'd seek assistance now UC or whatever. You can always cancel if she comes back.

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 13:21

With 2 rented flats you are not likely to get UC. Where does that rent money come into?

JamieNorthlife · 24/02/2022 13:22

OP, you can contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau and asked them for clarification and/or help to apply for UC or other benefits you may be entitled to.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/help-to-claim/

good luck

Ttcfinalbub · 24/02/2022 13:33

If the money is going to be going straight to her it may get messy =/ she really needs to verbalise some things

Contact plans with daughter
Financial plan
Next steps and dividing ect

HollowTalk · 24/02/2022 13:53

I'd be furious about this. She could at least send messages to say she's OK and to ask you to take on the responsibility for your daughter for a few days.

ikeepseeingit · 24/02/2022 14:14

Your poor daughter I'm sure she might be feeling abandoned. I would have been devastated if either of my parents had done that to me. I'm sorry you're both going through this OP. You sound like a good mum talking to your daughters' therapist to get advice and help your daughter process. I really hope that your wife can start communicating soon so you can work out what your next steps are x

TuscanApothecary · 24/02/2022 15:34

i think your relationship sounds so toxic its time to draw a line under this and move on with your daughter. ..

She knows that dd has attachment disorder. What she's done is awful to her. You now know how she feels, time to move on.

There are so many failed adoptions, I really really hope for dds sake you have enough support to do this alone.

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 24/02/2022 17:36

My main worry now is financial. We don't earn a profit from flats etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 24/02/2022 18:00

Does anyone know whether I would be able to claim Working Tax Credit whilst having 2 rental properties. I don't earn a profit from them

OP posts:

TuscanApothecary · 24/02/2022 18:12

Try an online calculator.

negomi90 · 24/02/2022 18:20

You can't let her back. If she's in and out that will cause more harm to your DD then staying out or having scheduled contact.
You need to stay split, make plans on how to do it alone as primary caregiver and all the practicalities associated with it.
If your DW wants contact make her do it properly with a schedule.
Your DD needs to know that she has reliable grown ups and her coming in and out will worsen her attachment issues.

FelicityPike · 24/02/2022 18:31

@negomi90

You can't let her back. If she's in and out that will cause more harm to your DD then staying out or having scheduled contact. You need to stay split, make plans on how to do it alone as primary caregiver and all the practicalities associated with it. If your DW wants contact make her do it properly with a schedule. Your DD needs to know that she has reliable grown ups and her coming in and out will worsen her attachment issues.

I agree. Your DD needs stability.

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 24/02/2022 18:49

@negomi90

You can't let her back. If she's in and out that will cause more harm to your DD then staying out or having scheduled contact. You need to stay split, make plans on how to do it alone as primary caregiver and all the practicalities associated with it. If your DW wants contact make her do it properly with a schedule. Your DD needs to know that she has reliable grown ups and her coming in and out will worsen her attachment issues.

Yes. That's a very good point.

I just cannot believe I am in this situation. I just feel so sorry for my little princess. She does not deserve this 🥺

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 24/02/2022 23:13

@Whiteminnowfish

Does anyone know whether I would be able to claim Working Tax Credit whilst having 2 rental properties. I don't earn a profit from them

You can no longer claim. WTC so it will be UC. All you can do about the rentals is see what they say

HomeHomeInTheRange · 24/02/2022 23:40

Your wife is still jointly responsible for making sure your Dd is properly provided for. Has she been the main earner? If you split / divorce she will need to pay child maintenance.

Is there any equity in the flats?

LittleOwl153 · 24/02/2022 23:58

Equity in the flats will likely prevent you getting UC. Try filling in the forms online and see what happens.

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 04:26

@HomeHomeInTheRange

Your wife is still jointly responsible for making sure your Dd is properly provided for. Has she been the main earner? If you split / divorce she will need to pay child maintenance.

Is there any equity in the flats?

No equity in the flats.

Dw is main earner and breadwinner.

I work part time as we agreed for me to drop my hours when dd came along.

I want to work full time eventually but with everything going on I don't feel strong enough to make that change right now

OP posts:

lifeissweet · 25/02/2022 04:47

Why do you have the flats if you're making no money from them and they have no equity in them?

You will probably have to sell them in order to claim anything.

But you will have to sort that out with your wife when she resurfaces again.

You can't stay with her after this. You can't risk her doing this to your poor DD again. Even if she's having a breakdown, it is not excuse for this level of selfishness. I have been severely depressed in the past, so I know how hard it is, but in that situation she does still have a choice in how she manages it - even if that is asking for you to take the reins with your DD, making contact arrangements (even just 5 minutes a day) and taking the space she needs. She doesn't get to check out without communicating at all. That's not depression, it's selfishness.

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 05:01

@lifeissweet

Why do you have the flats if you're making no money from them and they have no equity in them?

You will probably have to sell them in order to claim anything.

But you will have to sort that out with your wife when she resurfaces again.

We keep the flats as they should eventually rise in value at the end of the loan term.

Yes. I would agree. She's very selfish. I've been trying to understand her point of view but I am finding it so difficult.

Yes. If she needs space, that's fine. But a phone call to our dd would help her. Dd seems fine. We are enjoying each others company. Having friends over and sleep overs.

I just can't believe she has done this. Don't know if she will come back. TBH I don't think I want her to come back. I've lost all the respect I had left for her

OP posts:

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 05:03

I've been told by our psychologist that she is not thinking straight because of the high levels of depression and anxiety she has.

Still can't understand it though

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 25/02/2022 05:07

@OneSwallow

Agree you need to focus on your daughter and get social services involved perhaps so this is on record. You may need it for future custody hearings.

^ This and call the police.

A male colleague has been through this and this is what he had to do.

Sorry, when there is a child involved you don’t just get to run off and hide. She needs to grow up and do things properly and act like an adult. Poor child. Get things on record.

Original poster

Whiteminnowfish · 25/02/2022 05:10

Call the police. What can the police do?

OP posts:

Suzi888 · 25/02/2022 05:17

That’s what a work colleague was advised to do- not by MN -by professionals. I don’t know the ins and outs.
She’s a missing person presumably…. you don’t get to run away when you have kids.

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