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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Wife left in huge rage. Don't know where she has gone. I am really worried

138 replies

Whiteminnowfish · 22/02/2022 08:12

She left Saturday. Has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while.
We've not been getting along for a while also.

She said in an argument that she wants a divorce and is moving out to one of her properties in April.

She left Saturday and has not returned.

She took her work laptop, phones, toothbrush and paste.

No activity via joint account but she has her own separate account, so she's probably using that to stay in a hotel.

I noticed she was on WhatsApp Sunday morning then I messaged saying to contact for dd7 sake as she been crying. She's not read message but she's changed privacy settings on her WhatsApp so can't see when she's been active.

I contacted her brother and he said he had spoken to her on Monday.

Dd7 has tried calling her but phone is going to voicemail.

I've got all sorts of awful worries going through my incase she does something stupid.

She has left before and stayed in a hotel I think for 1 night then returned.

Am I panicking too early?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 17:03

@OneSwallow

You need to forget about her and focus on your daughter. You need to step up for her sake as you are effectively her only parent now.
Dw sent me a text just now saying this...

"I'm sorting out my own place by the end of April. We can then have DD7 50/50. Once I've got this I will pick her up from school Thur afternoon and take her to school Friday and have her Sat and Sun and drop her off Monday. You can pick her up Monday night have her Tue and Wed and drop her off school on Thur morning. That way you can find a job Fri, Sat,Sun and you don't need to give up your college job. Half terms I will take Thur and Fri and Mon off"

She hasn't even asked for us to discuss ideas.
I am certainly NOT happy with this arrangement and too angry to respond to her just yet. I wouldn't feel like dd7 would be in a safe staying with her as if she hits her

OP posts:
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 26/02/2022 17:18

She can't just have the fun weekends with her, you need to go to mediation to find a solution which is of most benefit to your dd. She needs down time with both of you. And that needs to be when dd is safe. Besides she seems to have four nights in her plan so might try to claim maintenance from you.

Maybe txt something like 'that won't work for me but I am sure we can go to mediation and find a solution.'

picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2022 17:19

If you can't agree a custody arrangement, it will have to go to court. The abandonment won't help her case.

What would for you, residence wise? Are you saying she hits your daughter, shouts at her? Or the other way around?

I remember an incident recently where she was shouting at you, but it was unclear whether you'd been really insensitive and unreasonable, or whether she was! Sorry! Her shouting was unreasonable, but it was hard to know if you'd just undermined the therapeutic parenting.

Which of you manages the therapeutic parenting style best?

OneSwallow · 26/02/2022 17:25

OP are you saying your daughter is hit by her?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 17:37

Yes. Dw has smacked dd on bottom and legs a few times.

I am the one who has offered dd the stability she needs. I've never walked out and left even for 1 night.

OP posts:
CharacterForming · 26/02/2022 17:38

Hmm, she's happy to walk out without asking after her daughter but suddenly is determined to be the primary carer when the alternative means paying child maintenance. What a charmer.
Are you actually married?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 17:40

@CharacterForming

Hmm, she's happy to walk out without asking after her daughter but suddenly is determined to be the primary carer when the alternative means paying child maintenance. What a charmer. Are you actually married?
Unfortunately we are married
OP posts:
TuscanApothecary · 26/02/2022 17:51

OP unless you have evidence of the smacking then it won't be taken into account/believed.

This might sound harsh but you were really upset that she didn't contact your dd, now you're really upset she wants 50/50. Your marriage was completely toxic, your wife wanted to split quite a few times and you didn't let her so she done a disappearing act.

You desperately need outside support to see the wood from the trees. You need to come to a fair contact agreement as that's in your dds best interests. You can't block her from seeing her other mum and if it goes to court she can use trying to leave you multiple times in her favour of why she upped and left.

Get some outside support, think of a fair contact split, go to mediation and work out contact that suits all of you.

picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2022 17:55

What your DD needs is the most important thing. If she can parent DD without getting into fights with her, her lack of strength is irrelevant. If she needs to shout and smack, then she isn't doing that.

Do you ever smack?

Parenting a child with her background is tough and puts strain on the very best parents and the very best couple. It's no shame to fail, although of course you avoid all shouting and all smacking. It may sometimes happen, but it can't be defended.

It's important DD has contact, but it's important it's contact that both of them can thrive with.

What would ideal contact look like for you?

You have to accept she's left, and look at the best parenting outcome for your DD.

No punishment of your ex, no anger. What's best for DD?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 18:07

The arrangement that dw is suggesting does not give dd stability.

Dw is arranging accommodation in a different Town all together, so it wouldn't be local.

I am all for dd seeing dw but not her having her 4 nights and me 3. It's not right

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2022 18:23

So what is right? That's what you need to work out.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 18:29

@picklemewalnuts

So what is right? That's what you need to work out.
She stays with me Sunday night Monday - Friday I do school runs. Dw picks her up Friday after school has her Friday night and Saturday returns her Sunday afternoon. Think weekends should be alternated also. As I don't get to have the full days with her

Dw will be living out of Town, so not local to her school. If dw has her she will hav to travel the 40 mins from her house to school in the mornings.

Dd has all her evening classes as well that I take her to.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 26/02/2022 18:31

Will you still manage work on that schedule?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 18:33

I work part time and she works full time so it makes sense she is with me the majority of the time.

We both agreed years ago, that I would work part time and I would do most of taking dd to evening classes she does

OP posts:
OneSwallow · 26/02/2022 18:35

@Whiteminnowfish

Yes. Dw has smacked dd on bottom and legs a few times.

I am the one who has offered dd the stability she needs. I've never walked out and left even for 1 night.

She’s an adopted child, if the social services knew this she would not be allowed Access at all I assume. Why are you not reporting this? It’s abuse.
OneSwallow · 26/02/2022 18:43

Actually this makes me rally angry. This poor child has been adopted into a dysfunctional family with a woman who can’t control her anger and has just walked out. You sound more concerned about your partner than your child. Do you think it’s okay for her to be spending time unsupervised with a woman like this?

AngelDelightUK · 26/02/2022 18:51

From this thread I don’t think she should be allowed her at all overnight until she’s sorted herself out properly. Your poor DD. I think I’d be looking at sole custody

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 19:40

I have informed the relevant authorities about dw smacking dd on the bum.

OP posts:
OneSwallow · 26/02/2022 19:43

What happened?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 19:44

@OneSwallow

What happened?
What do you mean?
OP posts:
OneSwallow · 26/02/2022 19:46

Was your partner spoken to? What action was taken?

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 19:47

@OneSwallow

Was your partner spoken to? What action was taken?
No. But we have meeting in a few weeks and they will say then
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/02/2022 20:13

It’s getting very confusing. I hope your DD is getting support from her therapist and school.

Original poster
Whiteminnowfish · 26/02/2022 20:17

@AnneLovesGilbert

It’s getting very confusing. I hope your DD is getting support from her therapist and school.
She is. We go weekly to therapist and they liase with school
OP posts:
mathanxiety · 27/02/2022 04:35

You need to hire a solicitor immediately.

Do not agree to any visitation whatsoever until an assessment of DW's parenting has been carried out. You are not obliged to allow DD to go anywhere with DW, for any length of time.