Dd wants to live with ex

[Pricklycactus1]

I’m a new user so please be gentle.

So we (46f/41m) are going through this divorce, and he sprung the papers on me a few weeks ago (I was shocked but now I’m over it, despite me originally being very against it on religious grounds.) we split 3 years ago but stayed living together aprt after that then Covid hit etc. I moved out In feb last year.

I’m crying my eyes out as i write this but I have just found out that he is now going for full custody.

I (obviously) freaked out and started to cry when I got the letter, and my dd14 found me like that and asked what was wrong.

I asked her what she thought and she already knew - she told me that it’s kind of what she wants and her and her father had decided this together over the last few weeks. I am so mad and hurt by this.

He is living about 45km from me and I would only see my baby at weekends and holidays that breaks my heart. She would have to change school, but she says she really wants to do this.

How do I fight this? I’m sure he must have been poisoning her mind against me for quite a while now . I’m so so sad.
I suspect he has someone on the side who is influencing this.
Me and dd have an okay relationship but we do fight very regularly. She’s always been a daddy’s girl (he is the “nice” parent and was a sahd until we split) but I never thought she would do this.

Would a judge give FC for this reason (that she wants to live with him and not me) alone? I’m so scared.

I’ve not got a lawyer yet because I only got the papers a few days ago, and I only found out today he wants fc. That is what I will do first.

If she's 14 you can't fight it. What she wants will be listened to by the courts. She will be considered old enough to choose for herself.

I think at the age of 14 it would be very hard to fight for custody when she has decided she wants to live with her father , her thoughts would be taken into account and unless she’s at risk by living with her father a court would likely agree that she gets to choose. You can still speak to a lawyer to see where you stand but your dd could end up really miserable if forced to be somewhere she doesn’t want to be.

It’s a awful situation to be in but you need to do what is best for your dd and listen to what she wants. Mediation maybe a good plan so you can all sit down and discuss what works best for dd.

I'm so sorry, this must be very heartbreaking. But as pp said, you can't fight this.. Because this is what she wants. Significant weight is attached to the views and wishes of a 14 year old. If that's what she wants, then that's quite likely what the judge will order if a) her father can convince the judge this is in her best interests and b) that a relationship with you can be maintained. I wouldn't fight this as you're effectively forcing her to stay against her will.. All you can do is make sure she knows you're still there, you love her and that this doesn't change your relationship with her. I can imagine it's really heartbreaking.. I really can. I'm a mother and it would rip my heart out if my daughter decided she wanted to live with her father full time.. But, you must respect what you wants. You've had 14 years of her life and you still have many many more.
X

I don't think you will get anywhere. I'd just concentrate on have a better relationship with DD for the times she stays with you. I think the gloss will wear off for them when he is a full time parent

He was the primary carer and you and she fight a lot. It sounds like she’s always been closer to him so it’s completely understandable she wants to live with him. Of course you’re sad but if you have a high conflict relationship maybe you’ll find you get on better with quality time together instead of the day to day.

Trying to stop her won’t do anything to improve your relationship so try to accept it as graciously as you can and let her know your door is open anytime and you love her and respect her choices.

Also, forcing her to stay will make her resent you and will drive her closer to her father. You have to be a mother and find that inner strength we all have that makes us capable of dealing with absolutely anything. It's a super power x

I think the gloss will wear off for them when he is a full time parent

She says he was a SAHM dad till recently. He was already a full time parent.

You would be going to court to fight a decision made by your daughter. How will that make her want to spend time with you. There is no such thing as full custody. She will be able to see you and stay with you. If she wants to.

I think fighting the dad for full time custody would be a mistake and he could use your unwillingness to be flexible as a negative in your daughter's eyes if that makes sense.

You could suggest a more 50/50 split and suggest that instead of her changing schools, that she stay with you when she has school and at dads when she isn't at school, something along those lines.

Embrace the change and let her go live with her dad and don’t enforce a contact routine or it will breed resentment. At 14, your daughter will become more interested in her friends and social life. Try to keep her father on side though as you might become loyal friends after the divorce. Oh and pay child support too. Avoid Court and child maintenance service at all costs.

What a horrible situation to find yourself in. I'm sorry.
You might be right that he has poisoned her mind but as he has been the most present parent and you and she argue a lot, do you not think that maybe that living with her father is the most natural for her? If the situation were reversed and you were the SAHM and your daughter argued with her father, wouldn't you think it more likely she'd want to live with you and you wouldn't have poisoned her mind. Most fathers are in your situation and go on to have great relationships with their children. It won't be long before she's able to move between your and your XHs homes and you'll probably end up seeing her loads.
Hard for you to be positive at the moment as this is the hardest time for you so I hope it all works out.

Are you in the uk?

At 14 the judge will basically just listen to the child, unless there is a safety or welfare reason not to. If he has been a SAHD I guess that's unlikely.

Between him being the primary carer and her wanting to live with him, there's not much point fighting in court about it.

This happens all the time, with the sex reversed.

That sounds really tough and I assume he’ll be seeking child support too from you?

She's 14, he's the primary carer and they have a better relationship (sorry) and this is what she wants. There is no point fighting it.

You would be spending an awful lot of money to fight something your daughter has asked for. Would it not be better to arrange contact between you all so that you know when she will be with you.

He's been her primary parent so it's understandable.

@YanTanTethera123

That sounds really tough and I assume he’ll be seeking child support too from you?

Touch insensitive to ask this right now.

You regularly argue with her. She probably just wants a quiet life and gets on well with her dad, so why shouldn't she live with him? No point fighting it as she's old enough to have a say. Let her know your door is always open to her and she can come and go when she wants to see you, assuming you are free. She might be happy to stay over ever couple of weekends so use that time to build on your relationship and do nice things together.

I think 14 year olds who argue with their mums think life will be easy and rosy if they love in with Dad. I’d think after spending a lot of time together she may feel that it’s not as good as she thought it would be. I was a moody teen and I remember happily being mean to my mum, hard to admit now.
I don’t think there’s so much you can do if she’s decided that’s what she wants. maybe you could plan on some really good days out/fun times when she will be with you? The dad will soon learn what it’s like to have a huge share if the responsibility. Maybe you get to have the fun with her now! X

She's 14. If he can poison her mind against you, there must have been issues between her and you before. Take a deep breath, get a new life and let her decide when you shall meet. You'll be the happy, busy parent and your ex will be the tiresome one (allegedly) telling her how awful you are. Don't fight him, don't talk about him negatively. If (when) she comes and complain about him, tell her that you love her but that it has nothing to do with you and don't take sides between him and her if (when) they fight.

They have chosen each other and cast you as the problem. Let them experience that familydynamic and pull back. Then be the accepting and non-judgemental parent when she starts seeking you out in a couple of months.

I'm sorry op this must be very difficult but you cannot fight this. She's 14 and he has been the primary carer/SAHD, plus by your own admission she's a 'daddy's girl,' the courts will listen to what she wants. Sorry
I suggest you focus on maintaining contact and keeping the lines of communication open with your dd.

My lad lived with his dad for a couple of years when he was 14. We maintained contact and met up for a meal every week or so. It broke my heart too, but I always supported his wishes and it actually made our relationship closer.
He moved back to me when he was 16 and the roles of his dad and I were reversed.
Maintain contract with your dd, respect her wishes and everything will work out fine in the long run.

"I’d think after spending a lot of time together she may feel that it’s not as good as she thought it would be.
The dad will soon learn what it’s like to have a huge share if the responsibility. Maybe you get to have the fun with her now!"

To be fair, her dad has been the SAHP so probably has spent more time with DD that the op. I think that's quite a lot of responsibility.

@MorganHunt

She's 14. If he can poison her mind against you, there must have been issues between her and you before. Take a deep breath, get a new life and let her decide when you shall meet. You'll be the happy, busy parent and your ex will be the tiresome one (allegedly) telling her how awful you are. Don't fight him, don't talk about him negatively. If (when) she comes and complain about him, tell her that you love her but that it has nothing to do with you and don't take sides between him and her if (when) they fight.

They have chosen each other and cast you as the problem. Let them experience that familydynamic and pull back. Then be the accepting and non-judgemental parent when she starts seeking you out in a couple of months.

He hasn't poisoned her mind. She's chosen which of her two parents she wants to live with. The one who has mostly cared for her and she gets on best with.