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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dd wants to live with ex

136 replies

Pricklycactus1 · 13/08/2021 14:49

I’m a new user so please be gentle.

So we (46f/41m) are going through this divorce, and he sprung the papers on me a few weeks ago (I was shocked but now I’m over it, despite me originally being very against it on religious grounds.) we split 3 years ago but stayed living together aprt after that then Covid hit etc. I moved out In feb last year.

I’m crying my eyes out as i write this but I have just found out that he is now going for full custody.

I (obviously) freaked out and started to cry when I got the letter, and my dd14 found me like that and asked what was wrong.

I asked her what she thought and she already knew - she told me that it’s kind of what she wants and her and her father had decided this together over the last few weeks. I am so mad and hurt by this.

He is living about 45km from me and I would only see my baby at weekends and holidays that breaks my heart. She would have to change school, but she says she really wants to do this.

How do I fight this? I’m sure he must have been poisoning her mind against me for quite a while now . I’m so so sad.
I suspect he has someone on the side who is influencing this.
Me and dd have an okay relationship but we do fight very regularly. She’s always been a daddy’s girl (he is the “nice” parent and was a sahd until we split) but I never thought she would do this.

Would a judge give FC for this reason (that she wants to live with him and not me) alone? I’m so scared.

I’ve not got a lawyer yet because I only got the papers a few days ago, and I only found out today he wants fc. That is what I will do first.

OP posts:
Mommabear20 · 13/08/2021 18:06

I understand that this must be very difficult for you right now, but try and stay positive. This could work out for the best in the long run, you have said yourself that you and DD fight regularly, and me and my mom were the same way, we never had a fight again after I moved out, not being on top of each other can work wonders for a relationship.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/08/2021 18:07

Umm
He has a perfect right to file for divorce after 3 years of separation.

Luannee · 13/08/2021 18:07

Just wondering, is DD required to help care for her poorly relatives?

MattyGroves · 13/08/2021 18:41

Fighting this would be a waste of time. She's 14 and it's reasonable for her to choose which parent she lives with. In addition, he has been her primary caregiver and you have other caring responsibilities. Support network won't come into it with a 14 year old, it's not like grandparents providing care for a toddler.

Better to focus on a positive relationship with her.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 13/08/2021 18:54

I don't think you should fight it. She's made her decision. I would focus on spending quality time with her when you do see, and stop trying to make her feel bad about her decision.

Cameleongirl · 13/08/2021 19:05

This must be a terrible shock for you, OP, and I can understand why you’re so upset.💐

But, as PP’s have said, I think you should respect your DD’s preference unless you have significant concerns about your DH’s parenting skills- I’m assuming you don’t, as he was previously a SAHD. Re. Having extended family and support close by, I don’t think that’s really an issue for a 14-year-old as they don’t need babysitting and are primarily focused on their friends at that age ( my two are 16 and nearly 13 and that’s my experience). She can spend time with your family when she’s with you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I think you need to make the best of the situation.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 19:27

She isn't your property and at 14 the court will absolutely give a lot of weight to her preference.

You could fight it but she'll be 18 in 4 years and I guarantee she'll pack her bags the day she legally can and your relationship will be ruined.

If she wants to live with her dad, respect that. Yes it will hurt you a lot but you can have a good relationship with her if she feels her choices are respected by you. She may even decide to move back in time. But if you get angry and fight her over this - you'll lose her.

Lumpwoody · 13/08/2021 19:30

He had every right to file for divorce regardless of your personal religious opinion

Ginger1982 · 13/08/2021 19:40

"I compromised by agreeing to discuss divorce after she had turned 18, in order to give her a normal childhood."

That's not really a compromise. You can't force him to stay married to you.

Luannee · 13/08/2021 19:46

Sorry op, but he's not taking her away. It sounds like this is what SHE wants. She's keen to move and change school.

You say you don't always get on and argue a lot, plus she's 14, she probably doesn't want to live in an environment surrounded by ill relatives that need to be cared for.

And if you've been separated for 2-3 years I don't think you can say that he has a woman "on the side". He's just living his life.

I don't see that he's done anything wrong.

notapizzaeater · 13/08/2021 19:53

At 14 she can decide where she wants to live. Whilst it's not what you want you have to consider what she wants

Callisto1 · 13/08/2021 20:35

Before I say anything can I clarify the timeline of this split?

You separated 3 years ago but continued living together. February 2020 you and your DD moved out of family home to help care for ill relatives. Did your DD transfer schools then? Is the dad still living in the family home?

Original poster
Pricklycactus1 · 13/08/2021 20:55

@Callisto1

Before I say anything can I clarify the timeline of this split?

You separated 3 years ago but continued living together. February 2020 you and your DD moved out of family home to help care for ill relatives. Did your DD transfer schools then? Is the dad still living in the family home?

Dd did not transfer schools at all and has stayed at the same schools with the same friends all the way through.

Dad moved out of our family home about 6 months ago, to a new area in which she knows no one. Again … I think the other woman had something to do with his choice to move away.

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 13/08/2021 20:58

You say "other woman" but you've been separated literally years.

Potteringshed · 13/08/2021 21:01

I'm not sure any hypothetical partner your ex might have counts as an OW at this point. You say you separated three years ago, and you moved out in Feb 2020. Any new relationship he might have started since you moved out is perfectly legitimate.

Hekatestorch · 13/08/2021 21:10

I think he left that house in Feb 2020. Sounds like op had already taken dd to live with her sister when he left.

RandomCatGenerator · 13/08/2021 21:18

If you’ve lived apart three years, you’re getting close to him being able to divorce for abandonment anyway.

You seem very focused on blaming an ‘other woman’ you don’t know exists. Perhaps he’s just sick of living in limbo and wants certainty. That’s valid.

Have you asked your daughter why she wants to live primarily with him? And have you asked him why he thinks this might be?

CupoTeap · 13/08/2021 21:52

I believe regardless of the circumstances, if a 14 year old wants to live with one parent the court will listen

Callisto1 · 13/08/2021 23:57

I think if your DD is choosing to live with her dad away from her home and friends that she knows then that is a drastic decision. I understand that you're worried and upset.

But I think you should let her make the choice and make sure she understands that she's always welcomed back.

I would wager that if you two clash a lot she might've not told you everything that is going on in her life. And you currently have a lot of responsibility and stress, so might not have the patience to deal with the ups and downs of teen life. A break might calm things down and make her re-evaluate the choice. Forcing her to stay on the other hand is likely to cause more tension.

Original poster
Pricklycactus1 · 14/08/2021 07:45

@Getyourarseofffthequattro

You say "other woman" but you've been separated literally years.
Separated yeah but by law and in the eyes of god we are still (and always will be) married,

What he is doing now is adultery, and he is well aware that if I ever find out who she is I would tell her so.

OP posts:
Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 07:48

What he is doing now is adultery, and he is well aware that if I ever find out who she is I would tell her so.

And what would that achieve? Do you think this person who may not exist will end it with him on your say so? Or do you think people will start thinking, that you are just bitter and using your religion as an excuse to berate her?

You broke your marriage vows already. You abandoned him, I am not saying you were wrong to do that. But

bigbaggyeyes · 14/08/2021 07:51

I know it's incredibly difficult, but the courts will listen to what your dd wants. Can you try and see this as a fresh start for you and your DD. It's now your turn to be the fun parent. You can arrange fun weekends with her, have lovely holidays and repair the fractious relationship you have now.

My exh now has a much better relationship, and much closer with our dd then he ever had when we were married. He sees her eow and holidays. She was always a Mummy's girl but I'd say now she's also a daddy's girl.

Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 07:51

Posted too soon.

You may not have been wrong to leave. But expecting everyone to live a certain way so you feel you are sticking to your own religion on a technicality, isn't right.

You have been separated years. Your dds life will not be changed by your divorce. Her life is no different, regarding you and her dad, than any of her friends whose friends are actually divorced. It doesn't matter to kids wether the separation is been completed legally.

This sort of thing could be really damaging your relationship with dd.

alwayswrighty · 14/08/2021 07:59

@Pricklycactus1 my ex husband applied for residence of our daughter at age 7, and he got it because that is where she wanted to be. Since then he has alienated me from her, so if I were you I'd agree to it and concentrate on maintaining a good relationship with your daughter and your ex to ensure the same doesn't happen to you as it feels awful.

pointythings · 14/08/2021 08:01

Again you are imposing the standards of your faith on others. It is clouding your judgement. You prioritise your beliefs and your standing on the eyes of others over your child. Your dogmatic adherence to your God will get you nowhere. The court will certainly pay it no heed, and extreme religious feeling as go against you. As indeed it should.

I hope your husband has indeed found someone warm and loving to share his life with. You chose to leave, these are the consequences of that choice.