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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dd wants to live with ex

136 replies

Pricklycactus1 · 13/08/2021 14:49

I’m a new user so please be gentle.

So we (46f/41m) are going through this divorce, and he sprung the papers on me a few weeks ago (I was shocked but now I’m over it, despite me originally being very against it on religious grounds.) we split 3 years ago but stayed living together aprt after that then Covid hit etc. I moved out In feb last year.

I’m crying my eyes out as i write this but I have just found out that he is now going for full custody.

I (obviously) freaked out and started to cry when I got the letter, and my dd14 found me like that and asked what was wrong.

I asked her what she thought and she already knew - she told me that it’s kind of what she wants and her and her father had decided this together over the last few weeks. I am so mad and hurt by this.

He is living about 45km from me and I would only see my baby at weekends and holidays that breaks my heart. She would have to change school, but she says she really wants to do this.

How do I fight this? I’m sure he must have been poisoning her mind against me for quite a while now . I’m so so sad.
I suspect he has someone on the side who is influencing this.
Me and dd have an okay relationship but we do fight very regularly. She’s always been a daddy’s girl (he is the “nice” parent and was a sahd until we split) but I never thought she would do this.

Would a judge give FC for this reason (that she wants to live with him and not me) alone? I’m so scared.

I’ve not got a lawyer yet because I only got the papers a few days ago, and I only found out today he wants fc. That is what I will do first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pricklycactus1 · 14/08/2021 13:36

I left after years and years of just growing apart. We were living different lives and then Covid hit and Lockdown happened and I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
We were fighting all the time and he was emotionally closed down. I left 5 times over the years and each time he convinced us to come back until the last time, where he just moved out and wouldnt talk to me anymore.

I admit it had become a bit of a silly game.

The family home was a rental of a family friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pricklycactus1 · 14/08/2021 13:42

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

OP posts:
Urghhhhh · 14/08/2021 13:45

@Pricklycactus1

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

No. If you're not divorced and there's no custody order, then parents have equal rights to the child. The police would do absolutely nothing.
putthebinsout · 14/08/2021 13:46

@Pricklycactus1

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

Why would the police get involved? He's her dad, she's 14. If she's there of her own free will I don't understand why they'd remove her and bring her back to you?

I think you would benefit from a quick session with a solicitor so they can set you up with the facts. I.e. at 14 unless there's a risk to her safety she can live with or spend time with whichever parent she chooses.

putthebinsout · 14/08/2021 13:52

It's hard to say without sounding mean or dragging over things you now can't change but I think your daughter could possibly be holding on to some trauma related to the "silly game" of having her family break up then get back together 5 times. I feel like if I were her I'd be looking for some stability and maybe at the moment that is with the parent who wasn't the one doing this.

It's easy to say but as you've clearly been unhappy for a long time why not just give him an easy divorce and both move on with your lives. If your dd sees you being adult and low-drama she will be much more likely to want to spend time with you.

KidneyBeans · 14/08/2021 13:52

@Pricklycactus1

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

Would you expect the police to take her from you if he called them? If not why do you think your rights supersede his?

Honestly OP I know this is tough for you but you're coming across as very self-involved on this thread. It doesn't sound like you've really discussed your daughters wants and needs with her but instead it sounds like you've assumed that they're the same as yours.

I appreciate this is a shock but you do sound as if you're trying to control your ex's (and your DD's?) behaviour based on your own religious beliefs. I think you need to be careful that you don't drive your DD away

Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 13:53

We were living different lives and then Covid hit and Lockdown happened and I just couldn’t handle it anymore

You left the house 2 years ago? He the left later in Feb 2020. Before lock down happened?

We were fighting all the time and he was emotionally closed down. I left 5 times over the years and each time he convinced us to come back until the last time, where he just moved out and wouldnt talk to me anymore.

So you didn't just leave the family home with dd. He left? You then moved in with family?

And no, the police won't do anything. In fact if he turns up at yours to take your dd and she wants to leave and you try and then police got Involved they couldn't stop her going with him. At most they would probably stay while she left to ensure she wasn't getting distressed by you as she goes. Or to make sure you don't kick off.

Urghhhhh · 14/08/2021 13:57

@Pricklycactus1

I left after years and years of just growing apart. We were living different lives and then Covid hit and Lockdown happened and I just couldn’t handle it anymore. We were fighting all the time and he was emotionally closed down. I left 5 times over the years and each time he convinced us to come back until the last time, where he just moved out and wouldnt talk to me anymore.

I admit it had become a bit of a silly game.

The family home was a rental of a family friend.

So no infidelity or abuse, just "growing apart" and you left him and broke the family unit 5 times? Doesn't sound like someone who is all about the "sanctity of marriage" and "doesnt believe in divorce". Surely you can see the irony here, no?
GoldenBlue · 14/08/2021 14:05

If you fight what your DD wants you are likely to damage your relationship with her further. At her age the court would allow her to make this choice.

You can't complain about her father picking her up and moving her in when you moved her without agreement previously.

You are both her parents and she has as much right to choose to live with one as the other. The court will focus on her rights to see her parents, not her parents rights over her.

KingdomScrolls · 14/08/2021 14:23

You use religion as a reason not to divorce but do you really think God means the kind of relationship and games you have been playing with a child in the middle as a marriage? It's a sham. You've not been living as a married couple for years, your marriage is meaningless. You need to move on.

frazzledasarock · 14/08/2021 14:33

By leaving five times already you’ve already broken your marriage vows.

What marriage is left?

Haven’t you broken the marriage vows already?

I hate when abusive people use religion to justify their wants. As if they have a divine right to behave despicably but it’s fine and even good because this is what God wants.

The way you speak about your husband and child it sounds like you’ve kept them in control by threatening to leave and walking out till they beg you to return and apologise and then they must walk on eggshells in case you leave again.

Must have taken a list of courage for your husband to move out after you did and start divorce proceedings.

You do not control your DH & DC. They are their own people with feelings and desires of their own.

I can completely understand why your daughter would choose to live with her dad, the calm steady every present influence in her life instead of the, highly strung drama with a big dose of religion as interpreted by you so only ever being of advantage to you.

Wouldn’t most children want the calm steady sure parent.

You have a really lovely daughter by the sounds of it, she’s told you she wants to go live with her dad, she could have just run away and gone to her dads but she didn’t.

This isn’t about you and your feelings alone. It’s about two other people who lives and feelings and hopes and dreams matter as much as yours do.

MargosKaftan · 14/08/2021 14:42

Oh OP - it does read like you hadn't considered you were ending your marriage by leaving. Like you thought you had all the control and are now panicking at the realisation he and your DD can control their own lives.

No, the police won't return DD to you. You and your husband have equal parental rights. You aren't divorced so you have no custody agreement/court order. If your dd wants to live with her father and he wants her to live with him, then that's what will happen.

You now need to stop trying to control the situation (you can't, your dd wants to live with her dad, your husband doesn't want to be married to a woman who hes not lived with for over a year, you can't stop either things happening). Now you need to focus on making the situation the best possible one for setting DD up for the future.

Could you phone you husband and ask what his schooling plan is if dd moves to his house? Is it new school or would he being bringing her to her current school and back? Stress she's going into year 10. This isn't something that can be messed about with. Does the school near him have a place? Has he looked into that? What GCSE options can she do? What about facilitating her still seeing her friends?

Make conversations all DD focused. She may well decide she wants to come back. Tell her she can.

MargosKaftan · 14/08/2021 14:43

Oh and please book to see a solicitor. You will be getting divorced if you like it or not. Best get yourself informed.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 14/08/2021 15:17

@Pricklycactus1

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

They absolutely would not. He is her parent too.
Theworldisquiethere · 14/08/2021 15:38

Your timeline isn’t matching up, you first said you left him just over 2 years ago and it’s not quite been 18 months since the first lockdown started.

Branleuse · 14/08/2021 15:44

Shes 14 and he was the SAHP until the split, so i think you need to support her choice but make sure you do nice things with her when she comes to stay

MarcelineMissouri · 14/08/2021 16:02

Honest genuine question, but why do you think you have more ‘right’ to have your daughter live with you than your ex does??
He was a sahd. He is the primary caregiver. I grew up with a very religious mother and I have to say it was HARD. It’s still hard now. I think it sounds like your daughter is closer to your ex than she is to you. Just because you are the mum does not give you some kind of automatic right to have your daughter with you.

THisbackwithavengeance · 14/08/2021 16:20

What's all this SAHD stuff for a teenager which means this man somehow gets to justify having full custody?

Basically the XH sat on his arse unemployed whilst mum (OP) went out to work and then probably cooked and cleaned and parented and did life admin when she came home. He was able to play nice dad because it's not stressful having all the day to yourself at home whilst someone else earns the money and the child you are the SAHP of is at school full time!

Your turn now OP. You can play Disney mum on your watch and generally be the fun parent and do fun stuff whilst he does the hard work.

I give him a year tops. Particularly if he has a new girlfriend who might be enthusiastic now as she's playing Happy Families but once she has her feet under the table may not be so willing.

Ginger1982 · 14/08/2021 16:21

@Pricklycactus1

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

Don't be ridiculous.
Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 16:21

@THisbackwithavengeance

What's all this SAHD stuff for a teenager which means this man somehow gets to justify having full custody?

Basically the XH sat on his arse unemployed whilst mum (OP) went out to work and then probably cooked and cleaned and parented and did life admin when she came home. He was able to play nice dad because it's not stressful having all the day to yourself at home whilst someone else earns the money and the child you are the SAHP of is at school full time!

Your turn now OP. You can play Disney mum on your watch and generally be the fun parent and do fun stuff whilst he does the hard work.

I give him a year tops. Particularly if he has a new girlfriend who might be enthusiastic now as she's playing Happy Families but once she has her feet under the table may not be so willing.

Wow you just made a load of shit up didn't you?
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 14/08/2021 16:22

@THisbackwithavengeance

What's all this SAHD stuff for a teenager which means this man somehow gets to justify having full custody?

Basically the XH sat on his arse unemployed whilst mum (OP) went out to work and then probably cooked and cleaned and parented and did life admin when she came home. He was able to play nice dad because it's not stressful having all the day to yourself at home whilst someone else earns the money and the child you are the SAHP of is at school full time!

Your turn now OP. You can play Disney mum on your watch and generally be the fun parent and do fun stuff whilst he does the hard work.

I give him a year tops. Particularly if he has a new girlfriend who might be enthusiastic now as she's playing Happy Families but once she has her feet under the table may not be so willing.

Lol would you say that about a sahm? No of course you bloody wouldn't.
Ginger1982 · 14/08/2021 16:22

"Separated yeah but by law and in the eyes of god we are still (and always will be) married,

What he is doing now is adultery, and he is well aware that if I ever find out who she is I would tell her so."

You sound awful to be honest 🙄

CupoTeap · 14/08/2021 16:57

@Pricklycactus1

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

Yep could happen
SallyDontTouchThatPie · 14/08/2021 17:10

Are you in the UK? The reason I am asking is your daughter is 14 which would put her in year 9 going into year 10 next month. Does the school in the new area even have a place for her?

Also some GCSEs are 3 year ones where they cover some parts of the content in year 9 which come become an issue at the new school. Schools are closed for the summer.

Doomscrolling · 14/08/2021 18:28

Why won’t you accept your daughter’s agency in this? She isn’t a toddler, you can’t order her around like this.

You don’t seem motivated by a love of your daughter, you are just going on an on about what you feel you are due, and vitriol towards your partner for moving on with his life. The most significant feature seems to be your religious beliefs that they don’t share.

I am sure you love your daughter desperately and would do anything to spend time with her. However, your communication style here doesn’t give that impression; perhaps you aren’t giving her or your former partner that impression either?