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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Dd wants to live with ex

136 replies

Pricklycactus1 · 13/08/2021 14:49

I’m a new user so please be gentle.

So we (46f/41m) are going through this divorce, and he sprung the papers on me a few weeks ago (I was shocked but now I’m over it, despite me originally being very against it on religious grounds.) we split 3 years ago but stayed living together aprt after that then Covid hit etc. I moved out In feb last year.

I’m crying my eyes out as i write this but I have just found out that he is now going for full custody.

I (obviously) freaked out and started to cry when I got the letter, and my dd14 found me like that and asked what was wrong.

I asked her what she thought and she already knew - she told me that it’s kind of what she wants and her and her father had decided this together over the last few weeks. I am so mad and hurt by this.

He is living about 45km from me and I would only see my baby at weekends and holidays that breaks my heart. She would have to change school, but she says she really wants to do this.

How do I fight this? I’m sure he must have been poisoning her mind against me for quite a while now . I’m so so sad.
I suspect he has someone on the side who is influencing this.
Me and dd have an okay relationship but we do fight very regularly. She’s always been a daddy’s girl (he is the “nice” parent and was a sahd until we split) but I never thought she would do this.

Would a judge give FC for this reason (that she wants to live with him and not me) alone? I’m so scared.

I’ve not got a lawyer yet because I only got the papers a few days ago, and I only found out today he wants fc. That is what I will do first.

OP posts:
MolyHolyGuacamole · 14/08/2021 20:15

@Theworldisquiethere

Your timeline isn’t matching up, you first said you left him just over 2 years ago and it’s not quite been 18 months since the first lockdown started.
OP said she left in February. But they have been separated for 3 years, they just continued living together, until she moved out.
Lovemusic33 · 14/08/2021 20:25

@Pricklycactus1

Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?

There have been many stories on MN of parents that have just taken their child away from the other parent and ‘no’ the police won’t go and bring them back, at the moment you both have as much rights as each other. Would you really want to force your child to live with you and make her unhappy? I’m guessing her behaviour would deteriorate fast and she would make life very hard. Best thing is to listen to what she wants, tell her your always there for her and if she changes her mind she can live with you.
Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 20:55

Op said

When I left him (just over 2 years ago) I took her and just left our home and went to my sisters and this has always been a bone of contention for her. I think she’s just angry, and trying to punish me for it. However she’s been with me the last 2 years and only with him on weekends so surely that’s enough to overthrow the sahd thing?

Op says she left just over 2 years ago. Well before the pandemic or lockdown started. Around Mid 2019?

She also said she left and went back several times. So if op left mid 2019 and went back and further until the beginning of this year, dd hasn't only been with him for weekends for 2 years.

The time line doesn't make sense. Especially since she says 'lockdown hitting' contributed to split. But that they also separated 3 years ago.

putthebinsout · 14/08/2021 21:07

I think she's always left with the intention of going back but COVID put the final nail in the coffin and she decided not to go back this time

alwayswrighty · 15/08/2021 11:34

*Surely that can’t be true? He couldn’t just pick her up from school and say that she’s coming to live with him surely??

If he did this would call the police. They would surely make her come back no?*

No they would not. He is also a parent of the child.

Technically he is committing adultery because you are still married, but let's be honest at this stage that's a technicality.

Hekatestorch · 15/08/2021 12:00

@putthebinsout

I think she's always left with the intention of going back but COVID put the final nail in the coffin and she decided not to go back this time
The timeliness appears to not add, but that may be right.

But then she can't claim his has only seen her weekends for 2 years, if they did live together last year.

I think op thinks this 'I have had her full time for 2 years' is going to make some big difference and it won't.

Theworldisquiethere · 15/08/2021 12:09

She says that they split 3 years ago and she moved out just over 2 years ago but also that she moved out in feb last year which is only just 18 months ago, but all still before covid.

Eggfriedpower · 15/08/2021 22:25

You split three years ago. He's perfectly entitled to move on since then.

MrsBertBibby · 16/08/2021 13:42

OP I am a family solicitor. You have had sound advice here. Your daughter can live with her dad if she wants. I strongly suggest that you pick up the phone and start talking, all three of you, about where she will be going to school. You have 2 or 3 weeks to get her sorted with a place, GCSE courses, and uniform, unless she is staying at her current school.

Stop bursting into tears and get your act together.

Pebbledashery · 16/08/2021 14:03

Op you need to take some of the advice on here and stop thinking about yourself. Your daughter is going to resent you hugely if you carry on. You still have parental responsibility and he can't change her schools without your agreement.. The matter goes to court if you can't agree. Also, please don't start with the he's poisoning her business, he's been the primary carer and stay at home parent. It's natural that she feels attached to him.. Don't clutch at straws to destroy any chance of her living with him.. As much as it hurts, you need to accept it.. Because at her age the court will listen to her. You might find you have a better relationship with her as a result.

PartridgeFeather · 16/08/2021 16:59

Take parental gender out of the equation for a moment, as at 14yo it's the quality of the parenting relationship that matters, not who's "got" the child. Teens need to be LISTENED to. She will lose all respect for you if you try to force her.

My ex took DD16 to court (yes, really) to try and force her back to live with him, after she'd written to him and told him in person repeatedly that she didn't want to.

Guess what she thinks of him now?

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