Dd wants to live with ex

[Pricklycactus1]

I’m a new user so please be gentle.

So we (46f/41m) are going through this divorce, and he sprung the papers on me a few weeks ago (I was shocked but now I’m over it, despite me originally being very against it on religious grounds.) we split 3 years ago but stayed living together aprt after that then Covid hit etc. I moved out In feb last year.

I’m crying my eyes out as i write this but I have just found out that he is now going for full custody.

I (obviously) freaked out and started to cry when I got the letter, and my dd14 found me like that and asked what was wrong.

I asked her what she thought and she already knew - she told me that it’s kind of what she wants and her and her father had decided this together over the last few weeks. I am so mad and hurt by this.

He is living about 45km from me and I would only see my baby at weekends and holidays that breaks my heart. She would have to change school, but she says she really wants to do this.

How do I fight this? I’m sure he must have been poisoning her mind against me for quite a while now . I’m so so sad.
I suspect he has someone on the side who is influencing this.
Me and dd have an okay relationship but we do fight very regularly. She’s always been a daddy’s girl (he is the “nice” parent and was a sahd until we split) but I never thought she would do this.

Would a judge give FC for this reason (that she wants to live with him and not me) alone? I’m so scared.

I’ve not got a lawyer yet because I only got the papers a few days ago, and I only found out today he wants fc. That is what I will do first.

I’d think after spending a lot of time together she may feel that it’s not as good as she thought it would be.

He was a sahp. The dd spent more time with him than the op.

No one describes it as poisoning someone's a child's mind if they want to remain with the mother who was a sahp.

What's happening here is entirely usual. Child staying with the primary carer.

I'm very sorry Op. what a shock

In England, a judge would agree to whatever a 14yo wanted when it comes to contact (even more contact at all) so legal action would be pointless

@ParityJ

I think fighting the dad for full time custody would be a mistake and he could use your unwillingness to be flexible as a negative in your daughter's eyes if that makes sense.

You could suggest a more 50/50 split and suggest that instead of her changing schools, that she stay with you when she has school and at dads when she isn't at school, something along those lines.

Thank you for this.

We are doing this at the moment - she’s with me during the week. For some bizarre reason she seems quite happy to change schools. I’ve already told her that she would have to go to another one and she just doesn’t seem to care. He lives quite far away so a 50/50 split really isn’t possible. I can’t move closer either because my family is all around me, and my sister is very ill at the moment and I care for her and my elderly mother.

@Hekatestorch

I’d think after spending a lot of time together she may feel that it’s not as good as she thought it would be.

He was a sahp. The dd spent more time with him than the op.

No one describes it as poisoning someone's a child's mind if they want to remain with the mother who was a sahp.

What's happening here is entirely usual. Child staying with the primary carer.

I resent this comment. He didn’t spend “more” time - I was literally working everyday to support him and my dd. I was only in a 9-5, and she was in school from 9-3:30 anyway. I was there every evening and Morning doing usual mum things. She’s 14 not 4.

I would tell her that if that is what she really wants then you will agree to it but she is welcome to change her mind and move back if it doesn't work out.

At 14 you can't really stop it anyway.

@Twinklettoz

I'm so sorry, this must be very heartbreaking. But as pp said, you can't fight this.. Because this is what she wants. Significant weight is attached to the views and wishes of a 14 year old. If that's what she wants, then that's quite likely what the judge will order if a) her father can convince the judge this is in her best interests and b) that a relationship with you can be maintained. I wouldn't fight this as you're effectively forcing her to stay against her will.. All you can do is make sure she knows you're still there, you love her and that this doesn't change your relationship with her. I can imagine it's really heartbreaking.. I really can. I'm a mother and it would rip my heart out if my daughter decided she wanted to live with her father full time.. But, you must respect what you wants. You've had 14 years of her life and you still have many many more. X

Thank you for this I really don’t think it’s in her best interests.

Here she has me and her extended family.
She has her school friends and neighbours.
I suspect he has a new partner which is the reason behind all of this but he doesn’t have a support network like me. Plus my sister is very ill and this time is the last she will have with dd. My mum is not far behind. She should be at home with me.

When I left him (just over 2 years ago) I took her and just left our home and went to my sisters and this has always been a bone of contention for her. I think she’s just angry, and trying to punish me for it. However she’s been with me the last 2 years and only with him on weekends so surely that’s enough to overthrow the sahd thing?

Honestly I’m so angry, a few weeks ago I didn’t even know he was considering divorce, never mind taking her away.

@YanTanTethera123

That sounds really tough and I assume he’ll be seeking child support too from you?

Hadn’t even thought of that…

I shouldn’t think the SAHD think would affect it much either way as she’s old enough to voice her own opinion now.

Also why was a divorce unexpected if you’ve already been separated for 3 years? Even if you’re against divorce for religious reasons you really can’t expect him to stay married to someone that he isn’t in a relationship with.

"When I left him (just over 2 years ago) I took her and just left our home"

So even though he was a SAHD, you get home from work one day and just "take" your daughter away from the family home.

And what would the reaction be to a man who just "took" his child away from her mother in the same circumstances.

I can understand your daughter's behaviour.

@Theworldisquiethere

I shouldn’t think the SAHD think would affect it much either way as she’s old enough to voice her own opinion now.

Also why was a divorce unexpected if you’ve already been separated for 3 years? Even if you’re against divorce for religious reasons you really can’t expect him to stay married to someone that he isn’t in a relationship with.

Long story but I am very against divorce. I am deeply involved in my church in an office bearing position. When I married I did it until death and I firmly believe we should remain together, at least for our kid.

I compromised by agreeing to discuss divorce after she had turned 18, in order to give her a normal childhood. However he seems to have run a steamroller over my plan, which is why 1. the divorce has come as such a shock and 2. I suspect a different woman is involved.

You’ve obviously got a lot on caring for two ill relatives. Maybe she’s after a more carefree home life with a more present parent. That’s a valid choice.

If you’re planning to use your sister as emotional blackmail against this decision by your daughter you’re going to damage the relationship even more.

It’s also pretty hypocritical to be against divorce on religious grounds yet have moved away from your husband and taken your child away from her father. Maybe she’d rather have stayed with him. Her resentment is completely understandable.

What made you leave? Were you in some sort of danger?

You can be as angry as you like but he’s allowed to move on and date again. You left him so he’s completely the process by starting the divorce. That’s what happens. You can’t dictate that it’s your right to walk away but the other person is required to stay married to you but another 9 years. That’s outrageous. He wants to get on with his life. Your daughter wants to live with him.

Start a war and you’ll lose. Fight her on this and you’ll push her further away.

i think you have to let go of this.
you are busy with your sister, and understandably want to concentrate on her needs as she is ill.
but you cannot expect your daughter to have the same attitude.
it can be very depressing and confusing for youngsters to be around serious illness.
i think it seems a good idea for your daughter to live elsewhere; and it's not so far, she will be able to visit you and aunt and GM at w/e etc.
and what is most important: it's what she wants.
do not alienate her by trying to guilt trip her about living with you.
that is unfair, and could ruin your future relationship.
let this issue go. and re-calibrate your outlook. all the best.

And what’s a normal childhood? It’s immaterial to her daily life whether or not your marriage is legally over. You’d already moved out and forced her to split her life between two homes.

All he’s doing is the paperwork that confirms your actions.

I understand it’s heartbreaking, but look at it from her point of view:

She argues regularly with you (perfectly normal, I’m going through the same with my DD). She gets on well with her dad and he did the lion’s share of looking after her as a SAHP. She’d rather be with him at this stage.
It doesn’t mean it will always be like this.

I’m so sorry, OP, but she gets a casting vote.

I resent this comment.
He didn’t spend “more” time - I was literally working everyday to support him and my dd. I was only in a 9-5, and she was in school from 9-3:30 anyway. I was there every evening and Morning doing usual mum things. She’s 14 not 4.

You have assumed something about me that's wrong.

I am a working mother. A sahp is always going to spend more time with the child. School isn't every week of the year.

You worked, I am not judging you for that. Because either have done the same for my kids entire lives. They are now 17 and 10. And I am still the main breadwinner in the household.

But as I said, if the sees were reversed and the working male parent came home and just took the child out of the home and the child then expressed they wanted to live with the other parent who had been a sahp, people would be point out that the child isn't being poisoned.

And to be honest if you have split and live in different houses, that will have more impact on dd than if you got divorced. The divorce itself will change nothing for your dd. Having parents who aren't together, but still legally married, doesn't impact how 'normal' her childhood is.

You didn't remain together. I totally get that religion can, at times conflict, with what you are faced with. It must be difficult. But you had already made the split.

You’ve been living apart for the last three years. You can’t really be upset or angry that your H has found someone else (if he has).

Your religious beliefs are clearly not shared by your husband as he has started divorce proceedings. You cannot force or even expect your H to put his life on hold till you agree it is suitable or not a time to divorce.

I suspect very few people with means to get divorced would sit by and remain married to someone with whom their relationship has broken down completely. It fosters anger and resentment and is really not a happy home life.

Your DD was probably suffering too, she can see and feel that the relationship between her parents I’d hostile. It will hardly make her happy.

As for main residency, your DD wants to live with her father, at 14 she gets to decide where she will live. I wouldn’t fight it, you can’t force a fourteen year old to stay with you if she doesn’t want to.

Try and work out a contact arrangement that means you’ll see her and make life happier and pleasant for her by accepting her decision on this.

Unfortunately @Pricklycactus1 being religious doesn't come into it if the marriage isn't working. We did stay together until youngest was 18 and she told me (after) we should have split years prior! I meant my vows too, alas he obviously didn't.

I'm sure you're a very loving mother and your daughter loves you so please don't think anyone us criticising you.
You surely didn't expect that you would remain married for 7 years. That's a long time asking someone to not move on. And if he does have a girlfriend, and you've not been living together for 2 years so that wouldn't be surprising, maybe she's not happy being with someone married to someone else with no expectation of divorce. Maybe she doesn't want to wait to start a family and wants to be married to do it.
You also say you're,working and doing caring fir your mother and sister. That's hard work and it's a credit to you that you do that. But that does take time out of your day, and as much as I'm sure your daughter loves them, being around sickness and death might not be what a 14yo wants to do.
With respect there's a lot of what you and your family want in the present situation, but not so much consideration how much effect all that has on your daughter.
She is 14, though, and she will grown and change a lot over the next two years so whatever happens now, will not be a permanent situation. Sometimes you have to play the longer game.

I compromised by agreeing to discuss divorce after she had turned 18, in order to give her a normal childhood.

Honestly it would be much less ‘normal’ for her separated parents to still be married than it would be for you to divorce

"I compromised by agreeing to discuss divorce after she had turned 18, in order to give her a normal childhood."

But living with your terminally ill aunt instead of living with your mother and father isn't normal for her. Once you took her out of the family home and away from her father, her normal childhood ended. What's the difference for your daughter if you're separated or divorced?

Do DD and DH feel as strongly about your religion as you do?

Honestly, it sounds like your DD is struggling with the current set up, and understandably so. She had to move house with no warning and move in with extended family in a very high stress situation with your sister and mother both being unwell, plus conflict with you. It sounds like she's making a very normal and sensible decision to want to get out of there, and maybe start again in a new school and a more stable setting. It may actually hugely improve your relationship if you get some space from each other and maybe some quality time outside of the home. I definitely don't think you should blackmail her with her aunt's ill health - that will almost certainly make things worse, especially if she's struggling with the pressure of that situation already.

You can't really compromise on a divorce in that way. You left him, he doesn't have to wait 4 more years to divorce because of your religious beliefs.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but it sounds very much like you're focussed on yourself and your family's needs, not your DD's. It also sounds as though she has a strong bond with her other parent, who she has spent more time with, her father. That's not a criticism of you as a mother at all, that's recognising input in early years.

If at 14 she is comfortably expressing a preference to be with her Dad, I can't see why you'd fight it, unless there was patent, documented, parental alienation.

FWIW, spoken as a "non-resident parent" divorced from a former stay at home husband. I have a now 10 year old myself. I've been through the distress this causes. It is really hard on the "provider" mums with stay at home dads when the relationship breaks down. It's hard to see it coming, and it's even harder to accept because it feels unnatural.

The moment your STBXH stayed home and you went to work was the exact moment you didn't have first say as a mum anymore, and that's only when they're young. When they're later teens, it's their own call.

Sorry, but that's how it is. He is the "resident parent" if he is the primary care giver. She is old enough to choose. And she will.

I think.living with two terminally ill relatives after being taken out of the home you grow up in has been incredibly stressful for your DD and she wants to be away from that. Can you blame her? She wants a normal life.

Your religion is your issue and you have no right to impose its constraints on your ex and your child. Everything in your post is about what you want. Adjust your priorities and put your child first.