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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Dd wants to live with ex

136 replies

Pricklycactus1 · 13/08/2021 14:49

I’m a new user so please be gentle.

So we (46f/41m) are going through this divorce, and he sprung the papers on me a few weeks ago (I was shocked but now I’m over it, despite me originally being very against it on religious grounds.) we split 3 years ago but stayed living together aprt after that then Covid hit etc. I moved out In feb last year.

I’m crying my eyes out as i write this but I have just found out that he is now going for full custody.

I (obviously) freaked out and started to cry when I got the letter, and my dd14 found me like that and asked what was wrong.

I asked her what she thought and she already knew - she told me that it’s kind of what she wants and her and her father had decided this together over the last few weeks. I am so mad and hurt by this.

He is living about 45km from me and I would only see my baby at weekends and holidays that breaks my heart. She would have to change school, but she says she really wants to do this.

How do I fight this? I’m sure he must have been poisoning her mind against me for quite a while now . I’m so so sad.
I suspect he has someone on the side who is influencing this.
Me and dd have an okay relationship but we do fight very regularly. She’s always been a daddy’s girl (he is the “nice” parent and was a sahd until we split) but I never thought she would do this.

Would a judge give FC for this reason (that she wants to live with him and not me) alone? I’m so scared.

I’ve not got a lawyer yet because I only got the papers a few days ago, and I only found out today he wants fc. That is what I will do first.

OP posts:

supersonicginandtonic · 14/08/2021 08:15

So you've been separated 3 years but feel that if your ex-partner has a new partner, he is committing adultery? You sound unhinged.
You really cannot force somebody to stay married to you either, you are not in a relationship, he deserves to move on with his life and your religion should not dictate that. That's extremely wrong.
Is your daughter embarrassed by your religion? If you're so strict about the divorce, are you the same about other things? Do you let her have freedom? Go out with friends etc?
What do you usually argue about? Your daughter sounds like she may be unhappy, especially if she is ok with having to move schools.
I think you need to step back and concentrate on improving your relationship with her, right now. Between caring for your mom and sister and working, it doesn't sound like you'll be spending much time together anyway.

putthebinsout · 14/08/2021 08:15

So you chose to leave? Can I ask why you left? Because it sounds like you didn't want him anymore and wanted to live a single life but keep him tied to you by marriage because it's convenient to you and the church?

I also don't understand about you telling his new partner that he's adulterous? He will be able to prove when the two of you separated. I think everyone understands the technicalities of adultery but no one is going to actually consider him to be adulterous when you've been separated so long.

This is all relevant because of your DD knows about all of this then I imagine she feels annoyed for her dad that he's being treated in such a way. It won't be helping your relationship.

As others have said, at 14 she decides where to live. I have teens and it would break me if they wanted to live with their dad far away. Kids do usually want to stay with mum but where he was sahd and where you have family commitments, I can see why perhaps she feels closer to him.

Don't fight her. Tell her how much you'll miss her and that the door is always open. Keep encouraging her to visit and stay etc. She may miss her life (you, school, friends) and come back. She might hate his new partner. She might come back. But I think the best chance you have of this is letting her go and keeping your relationship in tact rather than forcing her to stay and potentially losing her for good as a result.

Fighting it in court is also a waste of family funds that could be spent on her.

sashh · 14/08/2021 08:17

I can’t move closer either because my family is all around me, and my sister is very ill at the moment and I care for her and my elderly mother.

I think this might have something to do with your DD wanting to be with her dad, you have a lot on your plate, it might be good for both of you and it doesn't have to be forever.

YoBeaches · 14/08/2021 08:21

I think the main point here is about her education and wellbeing. At 14 she is coming really close to exams and choices, a school move unless a total must do could impact her outcomes long term.

I would raise this with your ex to discuss the consequences, and try to negotiate an arrangement that means she doesn't need to move schools. Could he collect her one evening a week and drop her to school on the morning? It's only 30miles it's not massive. Do you both have cars?

Equally approach it that he chose to move o another town that would force her to move schools, there's no guarantee of school places (has he secured one). He should move closer to school to enable her life to carry on as normal as possible. If he lived closer then you could do one week each in rotation.

She might want to punish you, or she. If JT just have a better relationship with her dad. You said you argue a lot, no teenage wants to be at odds all the time with their parent.

This shouldn't even go to court given her age, you both need to talk through calmly and focus on consequence for your Dd long term. Not each other.

ineedaholidaynow · 14/08/2021 08:29

Why did you move out of the family home? Who is in the family home now if your DH has now moved out too?

Urghhhhh · 14/08/2021 08:36

@Pricklycactus1 you seem to be dodging questions about the reason for the separation. I wonder why that is...

happytoday73 · 14/08/2021 08:40

Honestly OP... Read back your post impartially... You come over as very controlling with very set ideas about life and how your family should live it...
Thing is.... You can't control everyone else or make them follow your rules... No matter how much you try.... They have the right to make their choices and have their outlook on life...you need to accept this.

Your baby is actually a lot closer to being an adult.
You say you argue a lot... Is that usual teenage stuff or because you push what you want on her and she rebels.

You have a choice... Fight back... But you will lose and it'll push her more away.
Or swallow your principles and work on building a relationship with your daughter that's better/fun.
I suppose it's a question of what's more important to you... Your daughter or your principles/your take on religion

ItsDinah · 14/08/2021 08:40

Your current home circumstances are very difficult and not optimum for a 14 year old. At 14,lots of children flourish at boarding schools in a way they could not at home.Your commitments to caring for other family members while working full time and in a distressed condition about the divorce, do not make for a healthy environment for your DD. Your relationship with her has suffered. At this point, it sounds as if her father would be able to provide a better home base. You should not be relying on a child this age for emotional support and it sounds as if you are tipping over into this. With all you have on your plate,it is natural that you should lose perspective. You do not say what religion. is there a problem reaching out to your religious community for support and comfort? I appreciate it can seem difficult,but not doing so can be the thin edge of a wedge that leads to you being isolated and chip away at the strength your faith can provide.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 14/08/2021 08:54

Plus my sister is very ill and this time is the last she will have with dd. My mum is not far behind. She should be at home with me.

That’s a lot to carry OP and amazing for your family that you are there to support your family.

I wonder if the situation could be influencing your DD’s decision. At 14 running away from the reality of that might make staying with the other parent seem like an easier choice.

averythinline · 14/08/2021 08:54

It sounds like you are more concerned about your ill sister and mother...as that's why you want to stay there......if you work full-timeand also care for them where's the time on her.......maybe she wants to be the focus of attention? All your comments are about you/from your point of view... a teenage girl is not necessarily going to want that pressure and also a stressful sounding environment....I understand the struggle we have elderly parents and it can be hard to do everything....but this is a tricky time for your relationship as well
Especially if he was main carer ...she may just want a bit more normality..

Same with his maybe new relationship...its not up to you what he does....again your focused on your beliefs/faith which is fine but you need to let him go....as this will be affecting your relationship with your daughter......

MargosKaftan · 14/08/2021 09:32

You left the marriage so you broke up the home. A divorce is only putting a legal status on what you have already chosen.

Your husband is just tidying up the paperwork and making his status clear, rather than waiting to see if you come back or not.

Now you can fight or try to work round whats best for your dd.

Have you spoken to your ex re schools?

If your dd is about to start year 10, then you and your ex need to work together to get her started in a school for September with minimum distress and disruption. It will be shitty for you, but put her education first.

MargosKaftan · 14/08/2021 10:14

OP - another thought, could you speak to your ex and say you'll agree if she can stay in her current school? Many children travel over an hour to school each day, if she stays in the school near you, with local friends there is much more likelihood she'll find it easier to come see you/stay with you in the week.

Or explore if there's any issues at school - is it that she wants to move schools, rather than move in with her dad? (If there's bullying /friendship issues, this might seem like an "easy" way to fix the problem for her, get a fresh start, without having to admit she's struggling.)

I just say it seems unlikely to be a new woman- in my experience, separated fathers spend less time with their dcs when there's a new woman on the scene, not more. Much more likely he just wants dd to live with him and for whatever reason, she sees the idea of living with dad as better right now.

Notonthestairs · 14/08/2021 10:46

I think your best bet is to sit down with DD and DH and focus on the change of school. Do they have a place for her? Do they do the GCSE's she wants etc. What about sports, clubs etc. Be supportive but also very practical. No emotional blackmail.

I think this might be one of those situations where the harder you hold on the more she'll slip away. Show her that you love her (I'm sure you do that already but make it clear).

Don't say anything about your sister or extended family - she's already aware and will be worrying about them. Don't make it worse for her.

Your husband is entitled to divorce you - I'm afraid you don't get to decide about that.

And 45km is 27 miles - not an impossible drive some evenings.

And remember your daughter may change her mind in time - make sure the door is always open so she doesn't feel she can't come back if it doesn't work out.

CakeandGo · 14/08/2021 10:54

In your position I would do absolutely everything I could to delay the divorce and custody proceedings.
I would drag it out for as long as possible. I would challenge him over absolutely everything in the hope it would keep my child with me.
Not a chance I’d just let her go.

Potteringshed · 14/08/2021 11:04

@CakeandGo

In your position I would do absolutely everything I could to delay the divorce and custody proceedings. I would drag it out for as long as possible. I would challenge him over absolutely everything in the hope it would keep my child with me. Not a chance I’d just let her go.

That's a terrible idea and will utterly alienate OP's daughter. She's 14 already. What OP doesn't want is for her DD to walk out the door on her sixteenth birthday and just not come back!

Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 11:06

@CakeandGo

In your position I would do absolutely everything I could to delay the divorce and custody proceedings. I would drag it out for as long as possible. I would challenge him over absolutely everything in the hope it would keep my child with me. Not a chance I’d just let her go.

There's unlikely to be custody proceedings to decide this.

If op drags this out, he will be advised dd can just move to live with him. Or she will just decide herself and go.

Her making this more difficult to keep dd in her home when she has told her she wants to live with her father, is likely to only cause more issues between OP and her dd.

This is a big case of knowing how to pick your battles. The OP trying to control her dd at think point could end up with the dd cutting her off completely, at least for a time.

And after 2 years separation, the dh can divorce on grounds of desertion. How is op going to contest that? And since they have been separated 3 years, he can file in 2 and she wouldn't be able to contest it. Then there's the change coming in divorces.

Even if Op could force her daughter to stay with her until the divorce, which she can't, it would only be 2ish year til they divorce. And op can't force her.

If op fights this she could find herself in a much worse position.

CakeandGo · 14/08/2021 11:07

Well I wouldn't tell my daughter that is what I was doing!!!

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 14/08/2021 11:08

@CakeandGo

In your position I would do absolutely everything I could to delay the divorce and custody proceedings. I would drag it out for as long as possible. I would challenge him over absolutely everything in the hope it would keep my child with me. Not a chance I’d just let her go.

And realistically where do you think that would get you?

MattyGroves · 14/08/2021 11:09

@CakeandGo

In your position I would do absolutely everything I could to delay the divorce and custody proceedings. I would drag it out for as long as possible. I would challenge him over absolutely everything in the hope it would keep my child with me. Not a chance I’d just let her go.

You can't put a 14 year old under house arrest. She could just get her dad to pick her up from school and go and live with him. No one is going to force her to go back to her mum in that scenario. The OP might never see her again at that rate

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 14/08/2021 11:09

@CakeandGo

Well I wouldn't tell my daughter that is what I was doing!!!

So you'd lie to your child to keep them with you against their will?

What if a man did that? Would you think it was okay?

It's insane.

GlitterBiscuits · 14/08/2021 11:11

What are your DDs and her father's views on religion?
Maybe that is having an impact?

Luannee · 14/08/2021 11:13

@GlitterBiscuits

What are your DDs and her father's views on religion? Maybe that is having an impact?

I wondered that. I'd guess that's one reason DD wants to escape.

MattyGroves · 14/08/2021 11:16

@CakeandGo

Well I wouldn't tell my daughter that is what I was doing!!!

You wouldn't have to. She's not 4, if she wants to live with her dad, she can just go and unless she is very dim, she will just do that if the OP becomes (even more) unreasonable

SD1978 · 14/08/2021 11:43

If this is what she wants, then she will be allowed to- she's 14 and has a say. All you can ever do in these circumstances is make sure she knows that she is always welcome back if it doesn't work as she expects it to, and that you love her. You are separated, you will be divorcing- he is entitled- as are you, to move on. It's not adultery, and whilst the ts more than reasonable to grieve for the relationship, it's now about how you move forward for you both.

Hekatestorch · 14/08/2021 13:13

@CakeandGo

Well I wouldn't tell my daughter that is what I was doing!!!

So your need for control is that strong that will manipulate your dd, try and play the legal system to maintain the control?

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