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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

AIBU to ask your separation stories?

996 replies

lemonmeringue85 · 18/04/2021 22:35

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

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Yellowswan · 14/06/2021 18:00

@lemonmeringue85 yes I absolutely do. I think about this a lot, I imagine him finding someone else and how much easier that would make everything. Or doing something so awful I am somehow justified for ending it. It’s these thoughts that help me to know the relationship is over. But yes I feel horribly guilty about it too xx

Dazed24 · 14/06/2021 18:32

I can completely relate to these feelings mentioned. Having a good reason to end things…..because it feels like “I don’t love you anymore” or “the relationship isn’t fulfilling my needs anymore” isn’t something that is “acceptable”….

BTE152 · 14/06/2021 18:50

Agreed. Like I think a pp said, it doesn't seem like a good enough reason to put a hand grenade under our family life.

But I keep reminding myself that things are only going in one direction and there's no going back now.

loveyourself2020 · 14/06/2021 18:52

@lemonmeringue85
Does anyone find themselves wishing their DP would give them an actual reason to end it? I know that sounds awful, but I feel like it's a safe space here to put it out there. Selfishly I imagine I wouldn't feel as guilty for breaking up the family. Totally selfish of me.

I have waited for years for my STBX to get caught in adultery or something. Yes, it does sound horrible, but I was hoping he would do it so that I can set my self free. This is hard, I have to admit. Very hard.

Scooby2021 · 14/06/2021 20:37

Lack of love, intimacy, fullfiing relationship is reason enough. Staying with someone out of pity or guilt will not make for a good relationship. If you think you can rekindle that intimacy then go for it, but I think we know when we are done, it doesn't make us horrible people, ( I have to keep believing this) however much it hurts.

SummerSazz · 14/06/2021 20:47

@BTE152 I totally get the grenade thing and used it often to explain how I felt about what I was doing.

Our best conversations were had in the garden (neutral territory?) on balmy evenings over a glass of wine or two - no distractions and just a stillness around us. After the initial blame it did move, albeit not immediately, to something that had happened to us and not that I'd done it to him. Hopefully you can all get there at some point as it helped hugely with my guilt.

@Dazed24 the trite words resonates with me. It does feel like every cliche going but is sadly the truth. If you try and defend it more then you end up picking holes in each other just to make a point ☹️

@lemonmeringue85 hope all goes well with mediation and @loveyourself2020 the mediation sounds hard and don't let him hoodwink you with half truths

@Undecidedandtorn 6 weeks will be tough I'm sure but it will go quickly I'm sure.

SummerSazz · 14/06/2021 20:48

@Scooby2021

Lack of love, intimacy, fullfiing relationship is reason enough. Staying with someone out of pity or guilt will not make for a good relationship. If you think you can rekindle that intimacy then go for it, but I think we know when we are done, it doesn't make us horrible people, ( I have to keep believing this) however much it hurts.
@Scooby2021 spot on. We are not horrible people, just realists Thanks
Dazed24 · 14/06/2021 21:16

SummerSazz thank you that makes complete sense and is what’s happening…nit picking. This is a nice way to think about it and also something to communicate to my DW 🙏🏻

SummerSazz · 14/06/2021 21:21

@Dazed24

SummerSazz thank you that makes complete sense and is what’s happening…nit picking. This is a nice way to think about it and also something to communicate to my DW 🙏🏻
Also, if it gives you some hope, my Stbx described me as his best friend yesterday. It was uplifting and heartbreaking in equal measures!
Dazed24 · 14/06/2021 21:24

Deep down we are really good friends too - something that we should try to preserve if possible!

Original poster
lemonmeringue85 · 16/06/2021 14:18

Why is it that as soon as it comes to the crunch and it's out there about separating and you're in pain and both hurt, that all you focus on is the happy and amazing moments and how you don't want it to happen? But yet for the last 6 months I've been feeling that I'd be happier apart?

This morning my husband confessed to me he'd been through my phone before getting ready for work. He said he'd read some messages to my best friend that made him feel physically sick and he no longer knows what to think. The messages were from me to her, explaining how I didn't know what to do, that I'm enjoying time with friends more than him and is it worth breaking up the family.

There's a couple of messages he'd read totally out of context and now I'm in pain and upset and I can't work out if it's relief that we now have no choice but to have it out with each other, or that I'd be making a massive mistake.

It hurts. I don't know what's going to happen once he gets home and we talk. He's apologised for going through my phone and now asking me to be 100% honest with him. I know being completely honest will lead to us separating. And it hurts. I'm so torn because I don't know what to do. My kids are going to be devastated.

I really hope everyone's getting on okay xx

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Yellowswan · 16/06/2021 14:41

Oh @lemonmeringue85 I know this feeling well. Like you are desperate for so long for something to give and when it comes to it, and you’re faced with having to be completely honest it’s so so hard. Feelings of panic, am I doing the right thing etc and it’s suddenly not as clear anymore.

I wish I had some advice I could share to make things easier. All I have is that when you have been honest and got it out, you will hopefully feel better in the long run, if not straight away.

We’ll be thinking of you and sending strength, you will get through this and come out the other end happier for it 💐

Good luck xx

Original poster
lemonmeringue85 · 16/06/2021 14:45

@Yellowswan thankyou. I am panicking, it seems real all of a sudden and I don't feel strong enough.

Hope you're doing ok. This group has been such a good space for me x

OP posts:
loveyourself2020 · 16/06/2021 16:49

I was also not prepared for the hurt that I felt after "the cat was out of the box". Also telling my kids was another hurdle and it hurt like hell too.
I felt a lot of guilt, shame, sadness, despair, could not sleep, could not find any peace. But every now and then when it would become unbearable I would ask myself, do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this man? And the answer was always the same. No.

The thing is, it always gets worse before it gets better. I say, tell him the truth, be honest, stay true to yourself. He deserves it and YOU deserve it.

BTE152 · 16/06/2021 18:49

@lemonmeringue85 another one here who felt the same- scared, anxious, confused. Not how I thought I'd feel after years of wishing myself out of the relationship. Next hurdle is the kids, then the finances- it's going to be a long haul but many people have told me to hang on as it will all be worth it in the long run. I hope they're all right!

SummerSazz · 16/06/2021 20:20

@lemonmeringue85 how awful for you 🥲. Whilst I have always been honest with stbxh I wouldn't have wanted him reading messages with friends.

I concur with everyone in that you have to keep revisiting what brought you to the place you're in and there is really no alternative.

I t/f my money to the solicitors today to buy 50% of our house from him. Very wistful after the bank lady pressed the button. I know it's right but by god it's hard 😫

ILoveAnOwl · 19/06/2021 00:23

So I told him tonight. Lots of tears from us both. He wants to go to counselling. I've said that I don't really have anything else to say- I've been saying the same thing for 12 years and he still can't sort it.

Evidently he hates his job, needs to give up his volunteering etc, etc.
I'm just done to be fair and this just seems to prolong the agony, but I'm happy to play the long game if that's what's needed.

SummerSazz · 19/06/2021 07:56

Well done @ILoveAnOwl. Well done on this momentous first step. Small incremental steps from now on and you'll get there x

ILoveAnOwl · 19/06/2021 08:50

Thanks @SummerSazz He wants to sit down today and draw up a plan of how we can make our marriage work. But I've been telling him for years including during months of counselling and he's not doing it, so he's hardly going to start now is he?

I just don't see a way back.

Scooby2021 · 19/06/2021 11:22

Yes well done @ILoveAnOwl it's really hard. My dh also thinks we can get back on track, but like you I am done, I feel I should try, but I know I have checked out. It hit him like a ton of bricks last summer and I can't get go back. So although it's hard forwards is the only way to go. Good luck with the talk today. X

Undecidedandtorn · 19/06/2021 18:58

@scooby2021 - I'm done too. I know my DH just want to paper everything over again and keep on going now but I just can't anymore.

Hope everyone else is doing OK - I finally got things moving to free up some money. I have a flat that I have been renting out - I have a plumber on Monday to fix a dripping tap, a handyman on Wednesday to fix the whole caused by the dripping tap and the tenet will be gone soon. Then a deep clean and on the market it goes. It all feels very slow but I have to remember its a marathon not a sprint.

SummerSazz · 21/06/2021 20:18

Well done on the house stuff @Undecidedandtorn as a first step to a bit more financial stability. Hope DH realises this really is it and moves along that 'change curve' as quickly as possible.

My purchase of 50% of our house from DH completed today. No great elation, rather sadness. We both had a little cry that things hadn't worked out as we'd envisaged 20 years ago when we met 🥲. He's boxing all his stuff up as his purchase completes next mon. Kids are finding that a bit tough too and the next few weeks I'm expecting to be pretty tough. Still the right decision though.

Hope everyone else doing ok with their small steps xx

Dazed24 · 21/06/2021 20:57

Great to hear your progress even though it very sad. Mixed emotions for you. I’m trying to be that strong and push things on xx

SummerSazz · 21/06/2021 21:09

Thanks @Dazed24. Mixed emotions for sure. However we've taken 18 months to get here from the point of telling the DC and I've not wavered so def the right thing.

Keep strong and focused on the end game (although certainly not a game 🤨) and you'll get there I'm sure. I'm a great believer in karma and that everything happens for a reason and that things will fall into place as they should.

loveyourself2020 · 21/06/2021 21:10

I am in a strange place right now. It seems that all the anger and sadness and anxiety from the last few weeks kind of ebbed away and I find myself chatting with my STBX almost so naturally as if none of this has happened. It feels a bit unnerving I have to say. I almost feel like I could go over and give him a hug and a cuddle and it will all be forgotten. Of course that is not what I did nor is it something he would want at this time. We are both weirded out with this situation as it is. I do not know how people live like this for years, I would not be able to do it. It has "only" been nine weeks for us and it feels like forever. We are now waiting for the apartment he was offered to get finalized so that he can move out mid July. Unfortunately, there is a possibility that he may not get it and I do not know what we will do. It is very expensive where we live and it is hard to find something affordable.

Trying to cheer myself up by planing how I am going to redecorate my house once he is gone. Smile