AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

Thanks all - I'm glad to see those who are progressing are doing OK.

I've no idea if I'll get the courage to do anything about it just yet, it feels so hard when there is nothing inherently wrong - no abuse or anything like that.

Thankfully we rent, so things would be relatively straightforward in that sense.

It's so comforting to read of others feeling the same, although it's certainly a boat I wish we were not in!

These feelings are all very familiar to me too. Talking about things in the future like days out and plans to go away etc… it’s very strange when you have to “ignore” the conversations that have taken place. It’s been my daughter’s birthday in the last week so I said I wouldn’t bring anything up and we would focus on that. Now it feels that time has passed and the momentum has been lost a little. I need to raise it again with my wife but am struggling to do so after such a nice time for my daughter! However, my feelings haven’t changed and I have made a budget plan to show her about how it would work short term when I move out etc. Really focused on not creating disruption as best I can. So hard and I feel for all you dealing with these feelings - it’s so hard when the other person hasn’t “done anything wrong”. The basis of just not being in love anymore doesn’t feel enough sometimes 😌

@SummerSazz that’s great news! You must be so relieved after so long. And great that you are still getting along so well, I can only hope for the same one day. I’m sure your dd will come around once it’s happening and becomes more real.

@loveyourself2020 I’m so pleased for you!!! The next big step now complete, you’re getting there!

Hope every else is ok, as always, I completely mirror lots of the feelings in lots of the posts and comforting to know I am not alone xxx

Me too @SummerSazz , we both hope we can be good friends after this all blows away. Long may it continue for you both!

Great news @loveyourself2020!

@Dazed24 it sounds like you've lived out our past week too. I hope you can pick up the momentum again.

All the uncertainty over the future is really getting to me. I've contacted a financial advisor and a friend who's a family lawyer today to try and get some clarity.

Thank you 🙏🏻 me too!

My youngest daughter, who was really upset last night when I told them about separation, came to me today to talk. She said, she thinks that I am perhaps overreacting, that I have not thought this through, that I should perhaps try to work things out with dad and stuff. I was really upset to hear that. My therapist, I saw today, told me that kids will have ups and downs and to expect it, but I did not know she will come right away. I tried explaining to her, without going into to much detail, (as per my therapist’s suggestion), what kind of issues we have had, and how I tried to talk to him over the years, and how I suggested couples therapy that he refused, and how I feel that nothing can be done. She then goes to tell me that she talked to my STBX and he told her that he was also surprised when I told him I wanted to separate and he does not know exactly what is going on.

I was so angry, OMG. Instead of trying to make her feel better he is actually making it worse for her. Also, he has never accepted any responsibility for anything that is happening with us. Now, he walks around like a wounded animal, like a victim, like someone who has been wronged, OMG. They just got out again, and she told me she will try to “talk” to dad, and now I have no idea what he will tell her. He is selfish and totally self centered and can only think of himself and she is very fragile especially right now, but she has been struggling with mental health this last past year. I am doing my best to help her and protect her from additional damage, and I am not sure he has her best interest in mind.

Loveyourself - that is so selfish of him. I would be so angry. We have spoken to relate about our children and they have been very clear that you need to keep them out of it as much as possible (my husband had wanted to tell our eldest some very personal stuff about me) and its been something we have stuck to. I'm sorry he has been such an arse - how old is your daughter?

Sorry - just saw she is 16. Everything is so black and white at that age isn't it. My mum stayed in a miserable marriage for such a long time with my dad and it had a really negative impact on my view of relationships so you are 100% doing the right thing.

So I've been to see a counsellor tonight, alone. It was the one we went to together a couple of years ago. I was really hoping she'd say 'you're being silly, here's a way to go home and work it all out'. She did not. She was surprised I'd not left him already...

So, now I have to tell him. Any advice how on earth you do this as gently and kindly as possibly?

Ditto for me too….this is my big sticking point - how to deliver your message with kindness to my wife. Any advice is gratefully received

I’m glad you have made some progress today 😀

I'm not sure there is a kind or gentle way to do this. When I had the talk about our relationship I tried to be kind and talk about my feelings without nit picking or blaming, but ultimately being rejected is not nice. I can't decide if I have made it worse by not just leaving out right or whether he will feel I have tried by staying for a while. Is it the difference between pulling a plaster off quickly or slowly.... Both ways are painful. None of this is easy. X

I think that it also depends on what kind of a person your partner is. I tried to talk calmly and respectful with my husband and to explain certain things to him, but it seemed to me that he was not really listening to me, not really paying attention. He said he was shocked that I decided this and was not expecting it. I am not sure what he meant, as I have been "complaining" for years, but he said he did not realize it was "that bad".

Honestly, I think, short and sweet is best.

Thank you for your advice 🙏🏻

@Dazed24 and @ILoveAnOwl it was pretty obvious we were on the downward path to inevitability as no intimacy for c.18 months (I know many have a lot longer!!)

We'd started to argue more and also just go to separate rooms in the evening due to differing interests (another key reason for the split....)

I just pointed out the downward trend and the fact that we were essentially friendzoned but arguments creeping in from the tension. These have all but disappeared since the actual split

We must have discussed it over a good couple of months and eventually I just had to say sorry it feels like midlife crisis cliches but 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' and others similar

As I mentioned before, he initially felt he was being 'done to' with the split decision but in time came round to it was incompatibility on both sides and something unfortunate that had happened to 'us' that neither of us wanted but there was no way back. Luckily we got to this point before telling the DC.

It's been over 2 years and he's finally moving out at the end of the month. Partly Corona driven but also we've been better friends since and it's given everyone time to get used to it. Having said that I have friends who just ripped the plaster off and they seem to be doing ok and do-parenting well so whatever suits you

Good luck 🍀

We're away for a family party this weekend. Keep discussing all the other times we've been away and it's been lovely. Just makes it all so muddy.

Just checking in. @ILoveAnOwl @Dazed24 how are you both? This lovely weather is making for some great family days out. Plastering over the cracks.

DH is being really nice to me- very weird. I'm wondering if he's worried I'll get nasty over money 🙄. We keep nipping out to the shop together to have summit meetings to talk over arrangements away from the kids. It still feels a bit surreal.

@loveyourself2020 @Scooby2021 @Yellowswan and too many too mention- hope you guys are all hanging on there.

What to say/how to tell has been on my mind as well. We are doing the opposite of a trial separation- a trail getting back together for 3 months. We are half way through and on the surface seems ok (even having sex) but I'm so miserable that I know I need to end things.

Well @BTE153 its been an interesting weekend. Mainly it's been lovely. Seeing family, being relaxed in the sun. But he just irritates me now. The smallest thing sets my teeth on edge.

Also, a friend had quite a traumatic time one way or another and I saw myself in her. The way I am after one of his incidents. The loss of self, of self assurance, of presence of mind. A strong, capable woman just deminished. It was a pretty harsh wake up call.

But the thought of breaking up our little family still breaks my heart. The guilt of it still feels overwhelming. So I shall bide my time until I'm properly able to do it.

Hi @BTE152 and everyone else 👋 hope you’re all ok.

So over here I am getting increasingly frustrated with the just carrying on like normal, even though he knows full well how I feel. I keep putting myself in his shoes and think there is no way I could be like that.

We are having to move house imminently so we have kind of agreed that we move first as we are on a timescale, then we figure the rest out afterwards (keeping in mind that we are moving somewhere I can potentially afford on my own, this was the agreement made but not mentioned since 🙄). I am fine with this and it’s not like I need to discuss separation all the time, but some acknowledgment that it’s a possibility would be better. Instead it’s talk of holidays, plans for the house etc and him calling me ‘love’ which is actually so grating on me at the moment. As others have said, it’s a very odd place to be.

I think on a positive note, taking so much time over this has really helped me to be sure. I know I do not want to be in this relationship, no more doubts.

@ILoveAnOwl it’s so hard to get it out initially, I felt like that for a long time, wondering how I could ever say the words. Hope your managing to move forwards in some way.

@Undecidedandtorn that sounds really difficult and I imagine the sooner you are able to tell him the better, easier said than done, I know only too well!!

@yellowswan - I know your right. But also I'm going to stick out the next 6 weeks (I was in a vaunable place when I agreed to the 6 weeks) and its not all bad - so nice to have all this time with the kids and not having horrible tense conversations about stuff. And I'm still going to be living here for some time - although I'm starting to sort out getting the funds together to move as well its a very slow process.

Had my first mediation today. It was ok I guess, but I do not think my STBX disclosed everything to me. I think he is fooling me. At first I told him he could get a little extra money for moving expenses but I need to know exactly how much he has and since I do not think he did disclose I went 50/50. We got stuck on child support that he needs to pay me and spousal support that I need to pay him. I mean, we are working class people, not much money to go around. It will be hard. I feel drained. We decided to reconvene later when he moves out and hopefully gets a better job.

Hi everyone - good to hear from you all. Weekend has been ok - my DW hasn’t been around much, seeing friends etc which has been nice. I have spent time with our DD which is very nice and feels like I am already a single Dad in lots of ways. Feels like we are still in a “truce” type stage - it’s there but not mentioned. I know I need to bring things up and really be more assertive. Like one of you said earlier, I know I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore, I have emotionally left and believe my DW has too but doesn’t want to admit it. I have done some budget planning to see how it would work initially but haven’t been able to share that yet - it feels really harsh and like I’m the bad person! It’s a shit situation to find yourself in but likewise I know I need to be fair and push it forward. Can’t seem to find the courage to pin her down and make it happen. The relationship is over and we both know it really - just friends, companions in some ways but not in others, no sex or other intimacy for 4+ years - who wants to live like that??

Hi all, it feels like it's been a long weekend, visiting family pretending everything is OK. I have decided I need to have another talk as I think dh head is still stuck in the sand and is trying to ignore the whole situation. He is giving me space so living pretty much separate lives. I feel really bad for ds still at home, but he has now got a job before he leaves for uni so will be out most evenings. Don't know about anyone else but I find evenings and weekends soooo hard. I am going to put a time line to dh so he knows that once ds is at uni that's it.... Now to find the courage to say it. Take care. x

Hi everyone, been reading through the updates and finding myself still in the same frustrating situation of both of us not communicating honestly, skirting around the issue and pretending we're one big happy family.

Why is it so hard?

I've took a step forward, I feel, by arranging to speak to a counsellor. I'm going to speak to her over the phone tonight and arrange a face to face meeting for next week. I've decided I need to go alone, get everything out and take it from there.

I really hope it helps. I am aware I have a lot of work to do on myself mental health wise so it may be that she decides to focus on this which may help my home situation, or maybe it will give me the courage and words to communicate better with my husband.

I've lived like this for too long now, I can't do it anymore. I'm so tired. It's so bloody hard when they haven't done anything particularly wrong.

Does anyone find themselves wishing their DP would give them an actual reason to end it? I know that sounds awful, but I feel like it's a safe space here to put it out there. Selfishly I imagine I wouldn't feel as guilty for breaking up the family. Totally selfish of me.

@Dazed24 I can so identify feeling like the bad person even though I know things are rarely black and white and chances are both people have contributed to a relationship breakdown even if its just one person deciding to end the relationship.