AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

So reassuring 🙏🏻🙏🏻

@loveyourself2020 we all have to deal with it in our own ways and there is no right or wrong.

Hope stbxh gets the flat. And regarding redecoration I've actually hired some interior designers. Am clearly in 'fuck it' mode 😄

[quote SummerSazz]@loveyourself2020 we all have to deal with it in our own ways and there is no right or wrong.

Hope stbxh gets the flat. And regarding redecoration I've actually hired some interior designers. Am clearly in 'fuck it' mode 😄[/quote]
Good for you! Enjoy it.

What a great mode to be in @SummerSazz
Love it x

Great to hear @SummerSazz!!! I am sure it is bringing up a lot of emotion for you now that things are finally moving on- but also lots of exciting times ahead now!! Xx

I've just found this thread, I feel absolutely desperate, been married 27 years ,2 kids at home 17 and 19
My marriage is dead, haven't slept together for 5 years and I don't love him
We've just grown apart and its intolerable being here, I feel on the verge of a breakdown today, its never been talked about, we just bumble along unhappily
Im so unhappy is crushing me, I've been having and affair and have fallen head over heels, he's single
I broke down earlier and called him and said just to pack a bag and be with him, I want this so much but I'd be walking out my kids
I dont know what to do, happiness is just within my grasp but I'm terrified
My thoughts are just to leave then have the conversation, please help

@Thelema72, I’m sorry to hear things are not great for you and you are feeling so unhappy. Does your H have any idea how you feel? My instincts would advise that you should talk to him and your children before you leave, however hard that is. As has been said before on this thread, it gets worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

So my advice would be to be brave and be honest. But of course I don’t know your story, only you do and ultimately up to you, but at the very least I think your children deserve to know the truth,

Good luck xx

@Thelema72 I'm so sorry to hear this. I can see my future self in your post if I continue as I am.

How are you feeling today?

So my main reason behind not leaving was that it all felt 'a bit over the top'.

I've spoken to a few very close friends about the situation and they are all completely shocked about his behaviour over the last few years and can't believe I've put up with it all for so long.

Which is bizarrely helpful that I'm not just being dramatic, he really is very difficult to live with.

He's still not mentioned the fact that I've told him I want to seperate since I told him last week. I'm away with work for a couple of days, but I'll bring it up again when I'm back.

I was quite amused when my friend said she'd always found him 'quite hard work'. You and me both love!

@ILoveAnOwl sounding very familiar. I've realised that I've never really gone into detail with friends about the way STBX is that they would have told me how bad he has been for me. I guess I wasn't ready to hear it before now.

I keep coming back to read this thread, it's oddly comforting. I'm sorry that so many are in this situation. It really is shit.

I've had a few weeks of telling myself that I overreacted, that there's no need to split up, that I'm probably being hormonal and irrational.

But today I feel like the lightbulb is back on. I never want to kiss him again, let alone anything else. He is respecting that, we have a kind of buffer zone between us that neither crosses into.

We can have a pleasant evening watching TV. But I don't want to share a house with someone when I have a major case of the ick.

He's not stepped up in responsibility despite his promises (why did I think he would?) and as a consequence I'm juggling all the finances, domestic stuff, work and being the only adult in the relationship.

I just can't get my head around telling DC that I can't stay with their Dad. Or who would move out. Or how, in such an expensive area. And so I fear I'll still be here for another few years.

All my ideas of things I want to do, all my plans for the future: he's not in them anymore.

Thanks for the opportunity to just write this down.

@WobbelingLockdown Sorry to hear we're in similar boats. I have a very clear vision of me in twenty years walking out of my very own front door, of my very own cottage that my very own money has paid for. And me right now owes me in twenty years this life. So it's awful doing what I'm doing now, and so bloody sad, but it has to be done.

@ILoveAnOwl 'And me right now owes me in twenty years this life.'

This is SUCH an empowering statement 👏 ❤️

DH completed on his house purchase today but hasn't moved out yet due to a number of circumstances. All feels so very real and scary. We've been getting on so well that it continues to be sad but I know this isn't my life for the next 20 years or more so is a foregone conclusion. Kids are taking it quite hard now it's all real but I'm working on one foot in front of another for now....

@WobblingLockdown just focus on the lightbulb and don't let it dim 💐

Hope everyone else doing ok x

Oh, and I have a nearly full (small) skip on my drive. It's very cathartic having a good clear out

Had a little cry tonight with DH. Man it's hard 😢

Sorry to hear that @SummerSazz 😢 how are you feeling this morning? Do you want to talk about what happened?

I've been thinking of jumping into this thread for a few days now - hope it's okay for me to join you all. I wonder how many others have read this but not posted yet, I had no idea others felt this way. Is the overriding gist here that these men are essentially good people but we just no longer feel it?

I'm only 7 years into my relationship (5 married and one DC) but so much of what I've read here resonates. In fact I think this thread has made me think so much more about what's wrong - along within a conversation from about a week ago when DH told me how he feels about my apparent lack of interest in him and the fact we haven't had sex for almost the whole year. We were averaging once a month since we had covid end of last year and a few weeks ago I tried to do it but my whole body seized up and I had to stop. That was shit. I don't even like hugs or pecks on the lips

Our DC is barely 3 and we moved location a few months back. I'm sick of being 24/7 in the house with him (both wfh) and we are so different in that he wants to be around and talking to me all the time and I just want some bloody space!

I have a history of pushing away those who love me, and not sure if that's what's going on here or if I truly have the ick. I've changed careers over the last year and now on half the pay I was before, I worry how I'd support myself now and our DC absolutely adores my DH (if anything it's me who is bad cop) so I just envisage being rejected by DC as well. Most importantly here - I think my DH is better off without me (he just doesn't realise it yet).

At what point do you know for sure you have the ick?! Does that even happen in LTRs? Is it possible to get that love back? I'm just off ADs after a year on them so not sure that's playing a part as well but there were definitely feelings like this before.

Along *with a conversation ...

@SummerSazz sending love your way. I think this is what I find the hardest and most confusing part. When we talk about everything and I feel so sad and upset with the impending situation, it makes me question if it's the right thing to do. I'm crying, and upset and in pain at the thought of separating so my brains automatically telling me it's the wrong decision/we need to work through this/if it hurts this much it can't be the right decision, right? You're posts give me hope and help me, and I'm sure many others on here, see that it's definitely not easy but sometimes the right thing even though it hurts like hell. Hope you're ok this morning x

@heatwavemyarse all of this. I question my feelings everyday, feel like an awful person and that I should be grateful for what I have. But it just won't go away. Is this the ick people speak of?!

Since my last post, we've had a couple of weeks of talking and trying to make more effort etc and ultimately try and get the spark back. It's been ok but I cannot shake this feeling deep down that it's still not what I want. I honestly don't know how to handle it. My DD is having a really difficult time at the moment with school/hormones/growing up problems, and I feel like this would just top it off for her.
I personally don't feel strong enough to make the break myself. I have accessed counselling now, and go alone once a week. I've gone private, she's amazing and hopefully I will be able to think a bit more rationally after a few sessions.

DH has organised a night away for us both soon, in an attempt for us to spend time together and 'connect'.. however I know the expectation of physical intimacy is there and it's all I can stress about. Basically, I'm back to square one after our almost-split and wonder how many times I'm going to round in this circle.

How's everyone else getting along?

@Thelema72 how are you today?

@SummerSazz I hope you’re feeling better this morning. I agree with the above, your posts give me hope so I’m so sorry you are feeling low, I’m sure it’s a very natural part of this process. Sending love 💐

@heatwavemyarse welcome and so sorry you are in this boat too. For me, I absolutely have the ick but took me a long time to realise this. Firstly we just were intimate less and less, I used to think it was to do with me, maybe being on the pill, having babies, age etc. But there was quite a slow realisation that actually, this was not it, I just didn’t want to be with him. Now I am absolutely sure I cannot go back.

@lemonmeringue85 I really hope that counselling is positive for you, and helps you to stop feeling guilty, you really have no need to, you can’t help how you feel.

For me, I am still stuck in the same place really. We are moving house in a few weeks and are both aware that we need to do this first (we rent so it will not tie us together) and then make decisions about where we go from there. With this all taking time I just become more and more sure that I want to separate. I am so frustrated with him in a daily basis when he talks as if everything is fine, he knows it’s not and I can’t understand why he would want to continue to live like this?? Also, we are living separate lives more and more and this means I have completely stopped asking (nagging!) him to do anything. So I do absolutely everything around the house, even though I work the same amount of hours as him. This is also causing huge resentment. I just want out!

This just popped up on my Facebook feed- seemed apt 🙂

@BTE152 I love this. And needed it today, thankyou.

I am not in the right place these days. Not sure why. I wake up every morning feeling sick to my stomach, I am stressed, I am tired, I cannot work, I cannot sleep, I feel like I want to hide under the bed until it is all over. I feel tremendous guilt, when I look at him, he looks unwell and sad and everything that happened to him in the last year.. This was definitely the worst moment for him to lose his family too.

On the other hand, this morning he told me he is buying a brand-new car. WTF. We have never had a new car and currently have an old banged up car that I drive (he has a motorcycle). I started looking to buy something because this one is dying and I was feeling really bad thinking that this may not be the right moment to do it. Then he comes and says he is buying it too, and more expensive one and I am speechless. At the mediation I was told I will have to be paying him spousal support because he is currently earning less money than I. He has not moved out of this apartment yet, and already has a vehicle (motorcycle). The other day he was telling me that I should “give” him more money so that he can furnish his apartment. And now he is buying a new care, expensive car!!!

I know that he did not disclose to me all the money that he has and this is proving it to me. He may even be cashing this car, who knows. I am so stupid. First, I put up with him for so many years. Then I waited to leave him and am doing so at the worst possible moment, so everyone thinks I am a monster. And I still feel sorry for him for all of this, think of his health, his well being. He is going to screw me up, I can see it. I would be lucky if he ever moves out, or in the end he makes me move and leave my kids with him, which is really the only thing I care about.

In addition, I learned that he is already on Tinder. And I still cook and clean and do his laundry. Stupid, that is what I am.

Me too - thank you. Sorry to hear all of your stories and hope you are all ok. I can relate to all of it completely even though I am the male in my situation. I feel all of the things you all do. It’s ok to feel the way you do and you can’t help it xx

Hi everyone, sorry to hear its been a difficult week. @summersaz I feel your sadness, I have had more talks this week and repeated that I can't get those feelings back and it destroys me to see him so sad, lots of tears, but mostly mine, he then goes into angry mode and ignores me for a bit before going back to being sad. These are the times when I question myself but know I could never be intimate with him again and yet I crave intimacy. The actual leaving the house, when I get to that point will be so hard. Stay strong. @lemonmeringue85 good luck with the night away dh keeps suggesting going out and I find that stressful but a night away would ne impossible. We did have a night away a couple of years ago and I was stressed then, so I know this can't go on no matter how sad its making us both. Take care allx