AIBU to ask your separation stories?

[lemonmeringue85]

I hope not, it's not to be nosey and I don't want to dredge up feelings of upset.

I'm having a hard time deciding what the fuck is actually happening to my husband and I and feel like the worst person alive.

We've been together just short of 17 years, married just short of 10. 2 young children and what should be a lovely life.

He doesn't drink/gamble, doesn't treat me like shit, he shows affection and works hard.

I'm just not feeling it anymore. I love him, I'm just so fed up. I feel like we're growing apart in a lot of ways, he's not done anything particularly wrong but I find myself bickering with him more and more. Intimacy is a massive thing for him but I have lost all sex drive and don't want him near me. I feel like I'm being really unfair on him.

Can anyone relate?

I'm glad it's not just me stuck in a bizarre world where a serious conversation about splitting up is followed by days of pretending everything is fine.

I'm hoping the gravity of our own situation will trickle into the right part of H's consciousness soon, so we can have a proper conversation about the way forward.

I'm off to counselling next week to figure out how to suggest we seperate. But we've just had a conversation about buying a new bed. It's a very odd place to be.

Same here, counselling resumes next week.
I keep almost booking a holiday for 2022 and then stopping, wondering how many to book for, and if I'll have any money left.

@ILoveAnOwl

I'm off to counselling next week to figure out how to suggest we seperate. But we've just had a conversation about buying a new bed. It's a very odd place to be.

@ILoveAnOwl Oh, dear, I am so sorry, I know that this is not a laughing matter but I did laugh when I read your post and felt like crying at the same time. This had been happening to me just before I told my STBX that I want to separate and I remember how I felt. Hang in there just a little longer. Hopefully counseling will help you in finding the way to approach your DH.

@loveyourself2020 it's so bizarre isn't it? Outwardly, all is fine. If he chose to see the signs it's all staring him in the face. But as ever his head is firmly wedged in the sand.

I just feel like I'm being overly dramatic. I don't hate him. He doesn't hit me. He's not purposefully cruel. I just feel like I'm suffocating and that I'm happier when I'm not with him. And that's no way for a marriage to be.

@ILoveAnOwl I also felt the same when I read your post, no laughing matter but it did make me laugh- not least because it is soooo relatable!

You’re not being overly dramatic, you deserve to be happy xx

I remember that feeling well. Planning trips together while knowing it was almost certain I was leaving. Choosing wallpaper together while thinking "It really doesn't matter to me - not going to be here". He knew bloody well how unhappy I was and even why I was getting counselling - when I came home after my first appointment, one of the first things he said to me was "So are you going to divorce me now or when the children leave home?". Yet still not an incentive to amend his abusive behavior.

BTW, this is an example of what drove me mad with my STBX. I am sure you will all see how subtle this is and how easily you can miss it, and not realize that it is actual control and abuse.
We have not told kids yet that we are separating, and this is eating me alive. I wanted to tell them few weeks ago, but my STBX asked if we can wait until he knows for sure that/when he is moving out. Thinking how I owe him something since I am the one “kicking him out” I agreed. However, last week he sends me text to say, “we should tell the kids this week”. Idk why he changed his mind, but I agreed again. Mid week, everybody is home and I say let’s tell them, he says, no, I am tired I can’t do it now, let’s do it on Fri. Again, I said ok. Come Friday he is asking if everybody is home (our kids are grown up so it is hard to have them here at the same time), I said yes, but my son’s girlfriend is here too, so maybe we can leave it for Sunday. He says he wants to tell them now so they have time to process it all before going back to work/school. How about tomorrow, he asks. No, I say tomorrow I am going to my sisters, first time after 8 months. Either Sunday, or next weekend, I say. He says, “Idk what to tell you, we said we will tell them this weekend”.

I apologize for lengthy post, and I am sure many of you will scratch your heads wondering what am I trying to say, but the thing is, this situation is a classic example of how my STBX controlled me, my life, my kids life and drove me crazy. If you can see, he must control the situation. He refuses to do anything my way even if it is the right way, he is totally non-flexible, when he decides something it has to happen and in the end he will say that it is all OUR decision when all this time it was HIS. I am trying very hard lately not to cause any additional conflict so I did not say anything to his last text, but what I really wanted to say was: “No, WE did not say we will tell them this weekend, YOU did.”

It is really interesting how many of us say that we actually talk to our husbands about problems we have, tell them we are not happy, even flat out ask for separation, but a lot of them (if not most) pretend that they did not hear us. I do not get this. My counselor told me that it is usually us women who are trying to fix things and make them better while guys are more willing to stick around even if the marriage is not in good shape. She says they do not like change.

Over the years, I talked to my STBX many times, suggesting counselling few times. In the last year or so I purposely told him that our marriage is in “crises” and most of the time he would actually agree with me. But when I told him I wanted to separate, he was so surprised, he said, he did not think it is “that bad”. I wonder what he meant by that, “that bad”. What does he think “crises” mean?

I find that guys just want the quick fix. They do not have patience for any kind of process, like counseling or working things out the right way. “Let’s talk about this”, my husband would say, as if years, decades of neglect can be fixed by one conversation. Most of the time he would be satisfied if we had sex that night. There, all better!!!

Oh, I cannot wait to be free!!!!!! I am so tired, so spent, so stressed so sick of all his bullshit!

How is everyone doing?

It's as reassuring as ever reading all your replies, I too feel like I'm stuck in some weird soap opera. We've just had a little holiday, and one minute look at each other both knowing this is not what either of us wants.. the next minute we're talking about when we will visit that same little holiday location as it was surprisingly nice. Wtf?!

I'm so exhausted. Since returning I have took on a bit of a 'let's pretend I'm already a single mum' attitude and gone about my day with the kids as if he's not there. I asked him at lunchtime if he was planning on joining us downstairs as he'd still not got out of bed and then took them out with a picnic all afternoon without him as he didn't offer to come with us. And you know what? I bloody loved it. I had patience with them, we had ice cream and fun and I felt happy. But we're at the point of having discussed how we feel so well ignore it for another week now - it's so bloody frustrating!!

@loveyourself2020 I hear you. Until I joined this platform I had no idea I was with a controlling person. Even just the replies on this thread have opened my eyes to just how much I am controlled and let myself be controlled. And this is what worries me.. I have never organised the bills, the budget or even booked my cars MOT fgs. I've no idea how to live. By myself and with children! It's terrifying.

@BTE152 hope you're ok. Things didn't sound great, I hope you've managed to progress and feel more positive, even if just a little.

Thinking of you all xx

Boring practical pension question. Does anyone know if the claim on the other person's pension stops once you seperate, or when you divorce?

Hi all,

Can I join please? I’ve been reading the posts with my mouth hanging open - it describes me exactly.

Been with DH 11 years, married 5, two DC.

Things weren’t great after DC1, but I put it down to finding our feet etc. However the feeling continued and I planned to leave last year. I fell pregnant however (amazing really as only 3rd time that year we’d had sex and I was on the pill). Decided to stay and try really hard to bury my feelings, but still they’re here.

My DH is lovely, kind, considerate, hands on and does more than his share around the house - but Im just in love him anymore.

I’ve fully got the ick, and while I love him, I’m not in love with him.

I really hoped these feelings would go, but my DS is almost 4, and still they’re here 😞

It feels so selfish though to break up the family just because I don’t want to be married any more!

Not in love with him anymore*

@nicecupofteaandcake this is exactly what I'm struggling with. I made those vows. I stood in the big white dress and promised 'til death do us part'. I chose to have the DCs. How on earth can I just back out of that because it doesn't suit me any more? Sigh.

Thanks @lemonmeringue85, I guess I'm in a more certain position now than a lot of posters here. We've looked at possible financial scenarios ( not great as he got us into pretty bad financial trouble, but won't admit to it, another reason I went off him but don't want to be acrimonious over it as it will affect the kids 🙄 ), we've talked about sharing the kids and where we will both live. BUT, I'm struggling with anxiety over the uncertainty of it all- I am too old to get a decent mortgage if any mortgage at all. I just feel such a fool for letting this go on for so long, but like almost every other pp, I put up for the lovely life the kids currently enjoy. I felt for such a long time like you @ILoveAnOwl, @Nicecupofteaandacake

@BTE152 I was thinking about the mortgage thing this morning. If I wait until youngest DC has left home I'll only have five years left on a mortgage, and that's not going to get me far!

@ILoveAnOwl that's got to be incentive to move on this I guess. As a pp said, I hate adulting 😊💐

The mortgage thing is a real hurdle for me. I'd go from 14 year £50k (my half of the remaining mortgage) to 25 years £200k, whether I buy him out or buy somewhere else. This would push my retirement back by 8 years, and I'll have given him a chunk of my pension.
I'm fortunate to have a good job and be a homeowner, I know. But it's a huge leap in living costs.
On the lists of leave/stay/wait till DD leaves school, this is in the wait camp when I will be able to leave the home counties.

@Nicecupofteaandacake you're me! This is exactly word for word what I feel like. I wanted this life, made the vows etc. My husband is exactly the same, does his fair share and all that stuff. I just don't understand why I don't want it anymore apart from I'm not in love with him.

So, welcome. I hope you find some relief like I do when I read the replies and realise I'm not the only one

Well I have some news - DH has got a completion date for his new house - 28 June. Not quite sure how I feel now it's actually here but I do KNOW it's the right thing. He said to me today that I'm a really good friend which was nice. Complete friend zone which isn't obviously what I expected when I took my vows but I do think it's the best we can be (better than trying to be a couple in fact).

I am lucky I have a well paid job and have had an inheritance so I don't need to take a mortgage. My decision would have been SO much tougher than it has been so I feel for all of you in that position. Stay strong ladies 💪 and it will all work out one way or another I'm sure

Hi everyone, gosh there does seem to be quite a lot of us in similar situations, I keep wondering if lockdown has made the situation worse, then I think it wasn't any different before... I don't think that we have to explain why we feel as we do even though we took vows. Every time I feel guilty ( and that's pretty often) I have to think about whether I could continue doing this for another 30 years!!!!
@SummerSazz it's great to hear you are moving forward, it will be right in the end.
I know it will be crunch time for me too soon, I just hope I am brave enough to also move forward. I did have a friend (who is unaware) tell me it was the easy option to walk away!!! Hmmmm X

I'm worried about finances and what we will do about our living situation. I'm currently in the spare room/home office/kids play room/general storage which cant go on forever. I'm currently selling a flat that I have been renting out for years (once I've fixed it up a bit and the last tenant moves out) but will need to pay of the mortgage on that place (not massive) and then get some major work done on the family home - ceiling leaked for years, kitchen is not fit for purpose.

But what happens after that? This is the only house the kids have ever known and husband is never going to move out. Do I buy a cheap place (1 bed flat) and just vist every day? Do I get a new mortgage and buy a place where the kids can stay and do 50/50? What if the 14 year old doesn't want to ever come round? He's such a homebody.

OMG we told the kids. This was probably hardest thing I have ever done. I had to cook dinner, and eat it beforehand, I thought I was going to through up. Had chamomile tea and a sleeping pill. Still it felt like I am going to get heart attach. But my kids, omg, I am so proud of them, the older ones, they took it like the champs. My son, the oldest, just said, “wow, when did this happen”? Then he came and hugged me. After he went to the kitchen to clean up the mess. My middle one, daughter, was laughing, as she always does when she is uncomfortable and said, “as long as you guys are in agreement”, what prompted my STBX to say, that this has NOTHING to do with him, that he was "told" just like them. Youngest one, who is 16, took it the hardest. Ran up to the bathroom. She went for a walk with her dad, and I had a chat with her later. Will have to keep an eye on her. I guess as youngest, she was not picking up on clues that the older ones did. I mean, my older daughter knows literally what drives me nuts with him and my son asked, "is it because dad is not doing anything around the house?" which is also true, but you see, he noticed. Youngest one will need to be monitored as she is in mental health crises anyway, but I think that we will be ok, once he is out of the house.

I was not sure how I will feel because when I told my husband it felt good but only for a second and then I was on fire for weeks, my whole body was aching, anxiety, stress. However, with this one, I feel so good, I am so relieved, OMG guys, I feel so much better. I felt bad that I was holding this from them, lying to them, but I did not even realize how much it was affecting me. Now, onwards and upwards.

Well done for telling the DC @loveyourself2020 - glad your H finally came round to it after playing silly games. I'm fuming on your behalf that he told the kids that he was 'just told'. Can he take no responsibility at all for what has happened??

Sorry to hear DD is taking it hard - my 14yo is still not in a great place re our split and refused to go and see DH's new place at the weekend. We're not pushing things for now. Hope your DD is ok and glad the other DC understood a little more.

@Undecidedandtorn I'd leave DH to sort out the kitchen etc and get a new place and go for 50/50 if I were you. I actually wanted to move to a new place for a new start but wasn't to be finances wise so I'm trying to fall in love with our house all over again.

@Scooby2021 you can assure your friend it's not the easy option. But it's the only option to not feeling right and happy for the next 30 years and we only have one life.

@lemonmeringue85 good to hear you had a nice picnic & time with your DC and can't really believe (well I can 🤨) that your H is making so little effort in the circumstances. I hope you can revisit conversations in less than a week and find some resolution. It's so bloody exhausting otherwise.

@Nicecupofteaandacake welcome aboard to the bus we'd all rather not be on. I hope you and your husband can find a way through this amicably. I found it really tough having the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' conversations felt like such trite cliches 😖

@SummerSazz
Thank you. I am so relieved now, I slept last night like a baby. I knew that this was eating me alive but did not realize how much until last night. After the conversation I felt like a weight was lifted of my chest and I can breathe again.